Evil Editor's Blog, page 15

Help Wanted

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots. 

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/que...

Face--Lift 1466

Guess the Plot
It Comes All the Same
1. It Comes All the Same. IT COMES ALL THE SAME. it comes all the same. iT cOmEs AlL tHe SaMe.
2. Death and Taxes. Taxes and Death.
3. Nigel Ellis has a deal with Death: as long as he fills quotas as a grim reaper, he doesn't have to die. The catch? He can't mess with anyone's fates, as in he can only collect souls from people who are dying on their own. And he has to beat out every other grim reaper who made the same deal he did.

4. Harrison Moore was one of the richest men in the world. Now he's dead. Who had a motive? Actually, pretty much every person he ever knew.

5. Death and Time have been playing chess for as long as there has been life. But now the game has been interrupted. Do they restart the game or do they continue as is? Jordan sure would like to know, because last he remembers he is supposed to be dead.

Original Version

Dear (agent),

The devil comes in many forms, and Harrison Moore is [Was?] one of them. 

Set in 1930’s London, It Comes All the Same [Italicize title] is a 60k word mystery/ thriller told from multiple first-person points of view. When private detectives Nicholai Veidectte and Frederick Morfin are called in to solve the murder of Harrison Moore— one of the richest men in the country— they quickly discover this won’t be an easy solve. [Whattaya mean, "called in"? Hired?] Harrison Moore was not a man of few enemies, [Or, was a man of many enemies.] and when almost everyone in your life wants you dead, bringing your killer to justice won’t be easy. [Bringing your killer to justice is never easy, unless you're a zombie.] And to make matters worse, Nicholai and Frederick have three days to solve one of the biggest cases of their career, or the case goes to Scotland Yard. [Was that a Scotland Yard rule in the 1930's? We don't take any case until it's stumped all the private detectives for three days.?] The suspects are as follows: the wife, the sister-in-law, the maid, and the competition. [Who are the competition? The other richest men in the country? How did he make all that money?] But does a man as awful as Harrison Moore really deserve justice? Afterall, [two words] you don’t get to where he did without picking up a few skeletons along the way. [I'm not sure picking up skeletons is an idiom. Having skeletons in your closet is, but those skeletons, I believe, are secrets you wouldn't want revealed. Also, you've said he had many enemies, that everyone wanted him dead, and that he'd picked up a few skeletons made a few enemies  along the way, all of which say about the same thing. Plus, the phrase a "few" enemies seems like a massive understatement if almost everyone in his life wanted him dead.]

Our protagonist, Frederick Morfin, walks us through the case as him [he] and his partner, Nicholai, uncover the details of the murder. Our suspects provide flashbacks from their points of view, revealing their stories and vendettas, and of course, our dead man tells his tale, showing the kind of man he was before his rise to power and fall from grace. 

It Comes All the Same will appeal to readers who enjoyed the mystery and plot-twist elements of The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides, and the voice and character perspectives of I Eat Men Like Air by Alice Berman. [Italicize book titles] This book also resonates with the song The Fruits [Quotation marks around song titles] by Paris Paloma [Actually, I was thinking the book resonates with the song "You're So Vague," by Queens of the Stone Age.]  and is the song I often imagine playing at the last page of the book. [No need to imagine it;  just write it onto the last page.] [The song a book resonates with, whatever that means, is not useful information to include in a query.] This book also raises the very important question of how far people would go for love, and can murder be justified? [Does it also answer the questions?]

Notes

Useful information to include in a query: specific details about what happens. Here's what we know: Some unknown entity calls in two private detectives to solve the murder of some man who was rich and hated by everyone. One of the multiple narrators walks us through the case. Suspects provide flashbacks. We learn stuff about the dead guy's life. That's all vague. What is the detectives' plan of action to solve the case? Why are the particular suspects you mention considered suspects? Presumably we learn the answer in their flashbacks? Give us some specific examples of what Moore did to a couple suspects.

If this murder can be justified, I'm wondering why we should care whodunnit. 

Face-Lift 1465

Guess the Plot

Kingdom of the Dead

1. A quasi-non-fiction look at everything needed for a functioning society, brought to you by zombies, skeletons, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, etc. Also, politics, pest control, and what happens in sunlight.
2. When Stella accepted the Vampire King's marriage proposal, it was just because he could help her find her missing father. She certainly didn't expect to actually fall for the big [undead] lug. 
3. The Kingdom next to their own has always been ruled by the dead. Necromancer Gristly now just has to figure out if there is another necromancer in charge of the place or if something stranger has been going on.
4. When Willard finds a portal to another dimension, he's hoping for a vacation far away in a place without huge problems, and maybe some quaint talking animals. Instead he finds empty streets, empty houses, empty stores, an empty palace.... It's all pretty dead.

5. The zombies didn't have the foresight to realize that once they'd killed all the humans, there's be no more living human brains to feast on. But then they discover that dolphin, ape, dog and octopus brains are even more advanced than human brains--and more delicious.

Original Version
Dear Agent,

The following is the synopsis of Kingdom of the Dead. [This has the elements of a query letter, except it doesn't include the word count. A synopsis would include more plot elements. (No need to start by saying the following is a query letter for...)]
**A witch. An assassin. A Queen.**  [Who is the villain in Snow White?]
Stella Blackburn once feared monsters under her bed; now she is the nightmare every child dreads. A witch and an assassin, hunted by her own kin for crimes that forced her into hiding, she cloaks herself in shadows and enchantments. Years after believing her father dead, her dying master reveals he is alive. Now she has learned that he is imprisoned by the one spreading a malady [plague?] across kingdoms.
**The clock is ticking, the blood is running out.** [What was the last thing the Abominable Dr,                                                                                                Phibes said to Dr. Longstreet?]
The malady ravages the vampire kingdom, offering Stella her best chance to find its source. Yet, witches are loathed in those lands, and assassin or not, she won't survive long there. The Vampire King proposes a marriage, promising her safety within his castle and a joint effort to unearth the cause and the person responsible. But nothing is as simple as bargains, marriages, and blood. [I think that sentence says the opposite of what you think it says. Maybe just say she agrees to the marriage, though it means . . . What? What's the catch?] Stella would sacrifice anything to find her father, even confront the prophecy foretold to her at fifteen. For seven years, she has run from it, but now, it may be time to embrace her destiny. [She agrees to the marriage, though it means becoming/marrying a vampire, as foretold in a prophecy she's been running from since she was fifteen.] 
**Hearts are at stake, lies unravel.** [What happens in Interview with the Vampire?]
The Vampire King and his court defy her expectations. [What were her expectations? Are the king & court worse than she expected or better?] He has a manner with words that alone make her question her sanity, [Is it the words or his manner with them that . . . ? If the latter, the verb should be "makes."] that and his actions are worse. She refuses to accept that his behavior is anything more than vampire charm meant to unnerve her, because their marriage is a means to an end. So why does she have to remind herself not to waver at his words? Stella has no intention of staying with the King or living with the dead—or so she thought. Each day reminds her of her father’s agony, yet with the King and his court, those days are when she feels most alive. Every night she must remind herself that nothing—specially [especially] the Vampire King and his world of darkness that draws her in like vampire to blood—matters until she finds her father.
But unveiled secrets and a looming betrayal could shift her world even more than the King.
Kingdom of the Dead is an Adult Fantasy Romance, perfect for readers who like fast-pacing, secrets, dark elements, and swoon-worthy romance. 
Thank you for your time and consideration,

[I have never posted a query letter to an agent so I am wondering if the above will be enough  Also, should I be adding that it is Dark fantasy too? Or is adult fantasy enough?] Dark fantasy is probably a good description. Adult is assumed unless it's otherwise stated, or it's about cute talking bunnies. As for romance, while there are hints of romantic elements (She questions her sanity, wavers at his words, feels most alive with the King and his court) those don't seem strong enough to suggest to me that it's a romance, swoon-worthy or not.

Notes
Nothing matters until she finds her father, she would sacrifice anything to find him, but there's almost nothing in here about what she's doing to find him. What's her plan? What's preventing her from doing it? 
If you could condense the first two paragraphs, which set up the situation, into one, and get rid of the Jeopardy answers, something like:
When Stella Blackburn, assassin and witch, learns that her missing father is imprisoned in a nearby kingdom, she wants to rescue him. But she'll need help from the Vampire King, who agrees to help only if she'll marry him. It's a big ask, but Stella would sacrifice anything to find her father.  
. . . you'd have more room to talk about where her dad is, and what's involved in rescuing him, and how she can't help being attracted to the hunky king. 
If you want to emphasize the romantic elements she could almost swoon at his words, rather than question her sanity, which could be interpreted as negative.

Face-Lift 1464

Guess the Plot

Stormbound

1. None of the last seven skiers at a Colorado resort was concerned when a blizzard rolled in, trapping them. After all, there was plenty of food and drink to last a week. Then the murders started.

2. The Proctor family ignored orders to evacuate their home with a massive hurricane approaching, because they knew their brick house could withstand the storm. What they didn't know was that Grubhub, Door Dash, and Uber Eats would all shut down for weeks.

3. The Osborne family ignored orders to evacuate their home with a massive hurricane approaching, because they knew their brick house could withstand even a category 5 hurricane. What they didn't know was that thanks to global warming, hurricanes now also come in categories 6, 7, and 8.

4. When teen sisters Georgie and Lia find their parents went missing during a storm, they mount a rescue operation that brings them into conflict with secret agents and pirates hunting for a treasure that could change the course of history. Luckily, it's summer, so they won't miss any school.

5. For Jack "Twister" Tate, chasing tornadoes isn't just science, it isn't just a hobby--it's an extension of a childhood obsession with The Wizard of Oz. Okay, it's also science. That's how he gets funding. But can he keep his true motivation secret from his girlfriend Dorothy? Only his dog Toto knows.

Original Version

Dear Literary Agent, 

Sisters Lia and Georgie Covington thought spending their summer in Key West was going to be a breeze, with the biggest of worries being tan lines and becoming bored poolside at their family’s vacation house. 

With her final summer ahead of her before going to college, Lia knew she would be miserable and alone. [Wait, what? You just said both of them expected a worry-free breeze of a vacation, now you say one of them knows she'll be miserable. Or did you mean she knew she'd be miserable and alone in college?] Georgie saw it as her opportunity to finally brag to her prep-school friends about her tropical home, despite it being abandoned for the past six years. [If you have a vacation home you aren't using, you hire some rental company to keep it occupied and send you money. Not that I ever owned one, but what if the roof leaks or squatters move in or a violent storm destroys it?]

When their parents who work as history professors continuing a research project go missing during a violent storm, the sisters realize they are their parents' only hope for rescuing them [of rescue]– and protecting their research. [Why are they the only hope? Have the people with experience rescuing people given up on them?] [Are they already at the summer house when the parents go missing? In which case the parents are doing this research project in their beach house?]

Following the clues left behind by their mom and step-dad, Lia and Georgie begin to unravel the secrets held within [the?] Florida Keys. They become entangled with secret government agents, pirates, and a hunt for a treasure that could change the course of history. [Whoa. The last sentence of the plot summary may not be the best place to reveal that the course of history is at stake. Maybe your first paragraph should be something like:

Sisters Lia and Georgie Covington thought spending their summer in Key West was going to be a breeze, with the biggest of worries being tan lines and becoming bored poolside at their family’s vacation house. They certainly didn't expect to get involved with secret government agents, pirates, and a hunt for a treasure that could change the course of history.]

STORMBOUND is a young adult urban adventure-mystery complete at 65,000 words, the first in a planned trilogy. I have loved the beach as well as historical mysteries for my entire life, and knew that Key West, with its vast history and coastal culture, was the perfect place for a swashbuckling adventure to play out. 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The first pages have been attached for your review. I’d be delighted to send you sample chapters or the full manuscript at your request.

Notes

Good clear writing, but it does inspire questions about the plot. And I'm not sure it wouldn't appeal more to upper middle grade readers.

If it's college Lia thinks will  be misery, you could combine the first two paragraphs into:

With her final summer ahead of her before going to college, where she knows she'll be miserable, Lia Covington is looking forward to spending summer in Key West at her family’s vacation house. Her sister Georgie sees the summer vacation as an opportunity to finally brag to her prep-school friends about the tropical home, which has been abandoned for six years.

If the parents were abducted, I'm wondering what kind of clues they would leave behind. Clues like a post-it note that says If you can't find us, we were probably kidnapped and taken to Moscow.?

If secret agents are interested in the research project, I'm guessing it involves something beyond history. As your plot summary is only six sentences, you have room to add a couple explaining what's at stake if the research falls into the wrong hands, i.e. how might the course of history be changed?

Feedback Request

Dear agent

I am seeking representation for my thriller ALL THE MEMORIES COME TO KILL (89,000 words.)

Jack Foster, British accountant extraordinaire, [When you decide to make your main character an accountant, you have to do more than add "extraordinaire" to his job title to hook your reader.] is tired of busting the books of the Hong Kong Triad. [I don't know if busting the books means managing the books or cooking the books or something else.] Now he’s starting a new job in Los Angeles while waiting for his wife, Mara, to wrap up their affairs. Alone and lonely, he develops debilitating nightmares of a woman being tortured to death, her face masked by shadows. When his shrinks can’t help, he dulls the nightmares with alcohol and is fired from his job. [He just moved to LA and he already has more than one shrink?] 

Desperate to shape up before Mara arrives, Jack scours the internet for a way to cure his nightmares. He’s surprised to notice a series of similar murders spanning the globe, the most recent one only a few miles from his Chinatown condo. [I Googled "How to cure nightmares," and there was nothing about any worldwide murder conspiracies. Any accountant who doesn't know how to properly use Google is not extaordinaire in my book.]  Posing as a reporter, Jack digs into the local underworld, finding rumors of a vicious Triad enforcer newly arrived from Hong Kong. When Jack sets up surveillance on a Triad sweatshop, [This seems unreasonable for an accountant, but I forgot that he's an accountant extraordinaire.] he confirms the enforcer is the torturer in his dreams, but is forced to kill a gang member in self-defense. [Not clear what the part after the "but" has to do with the part before the "but."]

Now the police are after Jack. The Triad is right behind. And the woman in his dreams is growing more familiar with each sleepless night. Jack really needs to find some big guns, a good lawyer, and an even better shrink. ["even" better suggests his current shrink is pretty good, but you earlier said his shrinks can't help.] That and convince Mara to stay in Hong Kong until he can sort this out.

Now, if only she’d answer her damn phone.

Notes
This was going to be a new query critique, but then I realized we'd already seen two versions of it under a different title, and only two fake plots had come in anyway, so here is the most recent version, and the author would like feedback on this new one.
This isn't bad, but comparing it to the previous version, I'm wondering if there've been major changes in the plot, or just in what parts of the plot you're revealing in the query.
I don't think the title was part of the problem in the other versions.

A title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

 

A title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

Two titles in the query queue need your amusing fake pl...

 

 Two titles in the query queue need your amusing fake plots.

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake ...

 

 A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

Face-Lift 1463

Guess the Plot

The Secondaries

1.  The Secondaries are the ghosts/spirits of the dead. Their ranks have split into two factions fighting for control of the afterlife. And the only person who can bring peace and stability to the afterlife is a teenager who's already juggling her freshman classes while trying to keep her jealous street-performer boyfriend happy. 

2. After the primaries end in catastrophe when the Republican party realizes that all of its candidates are hot garbage, the state of Arkansas scrambles to acquire new candidates by kidnapping the ten democratic people who live there and putting them through a hunger-games-esque tournament, where only the last one standing doesn't have to apply for candidacy.

3. All sale items after the initial sale become secondaries, sold in the cellar. Joany will admit working in the cellar is a rather dull job, but it is at least a job. That is, until an unusual sale item goes unsold and an intrigue between a goat, a boat, and 10 yards of human hair make things complicated.

4. Phil Philmont II is tired of living in his father's shadow. He joins force with his childhood friends Rich Richardson II, and Dan Dianton II, to prove they are not simply children of self-made billionaires, that they have what it takes to out-party, and out-spend their parents and do it even better. They just need to rewind history 50 years first.

5. Maeve starts an odd-job company which mainly provides backup for important positions: kings, presidents, magistrates, etc. But when Claude, back-up to the archetype hero finally reaches the evil overlord's domain, he discovers Sorsha, back-up to said overlord. Will they do their duty and fight, or talk shop until their shift is over?

Original Version

I'm pleased to submit THE SECONDARIES, complete at 89,000 words.

Besieged with visions of the dead, Seren hopes for a normal life with a new boyfriend, Jackson. But a tangle with an immortal soul drags her into a battle between two groups of spirits for control of the afterlife.

Seren is a college freshman majoring in physics so that she can decipher her dead father's discoveries about consciousness. Since she was orphaned at the age of six, visions of spirits and their tragic human deaths have tormented her. Seren wants nothing more than to be normal, but the visions won't let her.

When she meets Jackson Meins, an alluring clairvoyant, Seren starts to believe [he convinces her] that her strange visions might actually be a gift. But just as she begins to fall in love with Jackson, a long-dead spirit named Finn tells her about the afterlife power struggle threatening the natural order. Finn is part of a group, which he claims includes Seren's father, fighting against the Ascendants, malicious spirits bent on taking control [of the afterlife]. Showing Seren her world through his eyes, Finn tries to convince persuades her that Jackson is helping the wrong side.

When Jackson finds out about Finn, he becomes enraged with jealousy and kidnaps her, keeping her prisoner at the compound where he is planning a mass suicide of his followers to infuse the Ascendants with an army of strong new recruits. [Speaking from experience, kidnapping and imprisoning your ex-girlfriend never results in reconciliation.]  Seren must learn to harness her own power to defeat Jackson's plans and restore the stability of the afterlife. [We know she has visions, but can we get a hint of what this power is that she can harness to affect the afterlife?]

THE SECONDARIES can be compared to Twilight (supernatural love triangle) meets Sixth Sense [I see dead people.] and Fight Club. [I'd declare the genre of the book before comparing it to other titles. According to my Internet research, the genre of Twilight is young adult fantasy romance, while The Sixth Sense is a psychological thriller. Your book sounds like an urban fantasy or a blend of that with paranormal romance. If all you provide is those comp titles, you may be giving the wrong impression.]  

Notes

Nice. Even if you ignore my comments, I can see this getting requests for the manuscript. 

Face-Lift 1462

Guess the Plot

No Alternatives

1. When Bob shows up at the diner five minutes before closing, they're out of everything except the end slice of meatloaf. He was hoping for the chicken and dumplings, but is this worth killing someone over?

2. Tadi just discovered that he isn't unique. There are a dozen more versions of himself, and only the version who is most beneficial to the empire will be allowed to live. Now Tadi has no choice but to do good deeds while avoiding being killed by the Tadis who are bad seeds.

3. The multiverse has been known for a long time. But now, rookie dimension cop Jim, has discovered that in five days time, after a singular event, the multiverse reduces to a singular verse. Can he figure out what caused the event, or will he end up erased? And what will they call this singular verse?

4. Maeve starts an odd-job company which mainly provides backup for important positions: kings, presidents, magistrates, etc. But when Claude, back-up to the archetype hero finally reaches the evil overlord, he discovers Sorsha, back-up to said overlord. Will they do their duty and fight, or talk shop until their time cards are up?

5. Elizabeth Parker feels compelled to go along with the boyfriend she just can't bring herself to dump, even when he decides to commit robbery, then armed robbery, then go on a killing spree. The only thing she can do after that is make murdering him look like suicide and claim to be yet another victim who he intended to murder. But will Hunky (married) cop Frank Hammer believe her?

Original Version

Tadi is a mistake. [I meant to say Tardis.] At least, that’s what the High Magistrate tells Tadi after he’s dragged into a room full of twelve other versions of himself who grew up scattered throughout the country. [One extra Tadi is carelessness; two or three is a mistake; four to seven is a colossal blunder.; any more than that is intentional, and someone's up to no good.]

They’re an accident, and over the course of three months, twelve will have the pleasure of being hurled straight into the jaws of an Underworld monstrosity. Only the version most beneficial to the Empire of Aughtlock will earn the privilege of existing.  [Is the winner the one who's most beneficial over the next three months, or is it going to take three months to decide which one has been most beneficial since they were created?]

But Tadi’s got this contest in the bag. Sure, his day job isn’t exactly heroic—he basically acts as a human lantern for travelers, keeping away the soulless wraiths that haunt the wastelands between villages. [Wait, why is that considered low on the heroism and beneficialness scales? Unless the Avengers are among the other candidates, I've got Tadi leading the field.] Sure, he’s got a grand total of zero kids, since he still hasn’t figured out how to be attracted to anyone despite his childhood best friend Lanlin’s increasingly obvious attempts to court him. And sure, his competition includes a highly decorated paragon knight and a renowned political assassin… [Assuming politicians are deciding which candidates get thrown to the monstrosity, I'm guessing the political assassin will be the first to go.] but Tadi’s dry wit and friendly smile will definitely be enough to tip the scales in his favor.

 

Jokes aside, Tadi isn’t stupid enough to think he’ll win this competition, but damn it, he’s going to try anyway. [If he can try to win, I'll assume the winner is the one who's most beneficial to the empire over the next three months. But then why would the fact he has zero kids matter?] If Tadi can use his light to reach the Underworld Wells and somehow stop the flow of wraiths up to the surface, it would have to be enough. [I disagree. Once he stops the flow of wraiths to the surface, his day job becomes superfluous. He goes from highly beneficial to no longer needed.] But for that journey, Tadi needs Lanlin’s help to interpret the runes on the Wells, even though she’s determined to move their relationship further than friendship and he hasn’t determined what to do with that. [If he has to hit the sheets with Lanlin to save himself, I don't think it'll kill him.]  And obviously, Tadi will need to figure out the deal with the assassin version of himself. The one who follows Tadi at knifepoint and promises to steal credit for his achievements before immediately injures himself saving Tadi from the zealots who attack Tadi for being an “abomination.” [That sentence is an abomination.]  [If Tadi is an abomination. wouldn't all the other "Tadis" be as well? How is he different from the others?]

And even if Tadi wins and doesn’t end up as a monster’s dinner, all of it will be in favor of  [fealty to?]  a country which shackles Tadi, erases his other selves, and calls him a mistake. [Is he currently shackled while doing his day job?]

NO ALTERNATIVES is a Fantasy novel of 94,000 words, mixing the wasteland adventure vibe of Hana Lee’s Road to Ruin with the smooth approachable prose and twisted social systems of Robert Jackson Bennet’s The Tainted Cup.

I am a second-year MFA fiction candidate at [place], and I served as the managing editor for the [magazine]. My short fiction has appeared in [magazines]. This story is heavily inspired by my own experiences as an asexual man, struggling with the lines between affection and romance and coping with the expectation that men ought to be sex-driven beings. 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Notes

Do all the Tadis look alike and are they all named Tadi? Are they the same species as the High Magistrate? Are they androids? How do you accidentally end up with 13 of the same  . . . person? And shouldn't you be eliminating the monster instead of feeding it?

I can see throwing the least beneficial Tadis into the jaws of an Underworld monstrosity, but the 2nd, 3rd, & 4th most beneficial Tadis should be allowed to just change their names to Toto, Toodles, and Shemp.

Aughtlock sounds like the noise my neighbor makes when he hacks up phlegm.

Technically, is the one who "follows Tadi at knifepoint" holding the knife, or is someone behind him holding a knife?

If Tadi doesn't win, who's gonna hold the wraiths at bay from now on?

Is this like The Hunger Games or Survivor, with periodic eliminations, or do they just announce the winner after 3 months? 

I have too many questions. Try to describe the plot without inspiring me to ask them.