Kathy Howard's Blog: Unshakeable Faith for Life, page 74

Are You a Grace Tightwad?

I’ve experienced it several times – the miracle in the Starbucks’ drive-thru line. That thrilling experience when you order your drink, pull around to the window, and the barista announces that the person in front of you paid for your coffee.

My first reaction is always “Wow! That’s awesome!” Then almost as quickly I think, “Man, I should have ordered a venti!”

Somewhere in there my gratitude fosters a desire to buy the coffee for the next person in line. But before I pull out my wallet I check out the vehicle behind me to make sure it’s not a 12-passenger van carrying a high school basketball team.

I mean, I want to pass along the blessing, but there are limits.

Do we ever feel that way about sharing God’s grace? Are we stingy with the kindness God has freely given us?

As believers, we have an abundant supply of His grace. In Ephesians 1:3-8, Paul beautifully describes the overflowing nature of God’s grace towards us. We have been lavished with the riches of His grace!

The Greek word “lavished” in Ephesians 1:8 means to “exceed, to exist in abundance, to be left over, to abound, to overflow, to furnish richly so that one has an abundance.”

We have more grace than we need. In fact, we are swimming in it! Yet, so often we hold it back from others.

Ironic isn’t it, that those of us who have been so richly blessed by the miracle of God’s grace are so hesitant to share it. Why is that?

In his book “Putting a Face on Grace,” Richard Blackaby makes a profound statement:

“We are not called to just bathe in grace; we are called to shower it upon others. Grace has not been fully experienced until it is fully expressed to others. The deeper our understanding of grace, the more we see the necessity of making it the fabric of our lives.”

I believe one of the primary reasons we fail to be people of grace is that we have failed to recognize how desperately we need it ourselves. We underestimate the depth of God’s grace working in our own lives. If we truly understood the magnitude of God’s grace to us, we wouldn’t dare withhold it from those around us.

I think another reason we are stingy with gracious words and actions is that – whether we will admit it or not – we don’t feel the other person “deserves it.” And you know what? Often they don’t. But you know what else? We don’t deserve God’s grace either. It’s just that simple.

God calls us to be people of grace. To “live a life worthy of the calling we have received” (Ephesians 4:1). Let’s reflect on the depth of our own need for His grace to foster and attitude of gratitude. Let’s open our hands and extend His grace to others.

Have you been a bit stingy with God’s grace? Is there someone in your life who needs to experience it today?

Confidently Humble

God calls believers to humbly serve one another. Unfortunately, our pride often gets in the way. Sometimes we hesitate to meet a need because we feel a particular act of service is “beneath us.”

We would never, ever give this as our excuse – in fact, we may even have trouble admitting it to ourselves – but deep down we’re thinking something like this: “Someone with more time, someone with less talent, someone less important, can do that task. But not me.”

The one person who had the right to that attitude didn’t claim it. Jesus said he “did not come to be served, but to serve (Matthew 20:28).” And our attitude should be the same as His (Philippians 2:5).

On the night Jesus was betrayed, He modeled humble service for us when He washed the feet of His disciples during the Passover meal in the Upper Room. I have read this story many times, but just this past week something new jumped out at me.

Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4 so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5 After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.  Luke 13:3-5, NIV

Jesus knew He had all authority. Jesus knew He had been sent from the Father. Jesus knew He would return to the Father in glory. By all human logic, the disciples should have washed Jesus’ feel. Yet, the God of the universe knelt to do a servant’s task. Why?

Jesus could serve them because He was confident of His authority and identity. He had nothing to prove to Himself or others.

So why didn’t one of the disciples do this task usually done by a servant? The answer is simple: They were just too prideful.

That very night, the disciples had been arguing about who was the greatest among them (Luke 22:24). When they entered the upper room, they all sat down with stubborn pride and dusty feet.

Can’t you just imagine the thoughts running through their minds? “I’m not doing it again. I did it last time.” “It’s Thomas’ turn.”

They were all jockeying for position. They didn’t want to appear weaker or less than anyone else. In their minds, taking on the task would have been an admission of inferiority to the others. Because they didn’t understand their spiritual position in Christ, they felt the need to produce a position for themselves.

We do the same thing. See, sometimes the most insecure among us can be the most prideful. Our insecurities produce prideful actions. Yet, when we are secure and confident in our identity in Christ, we aren’t bound by any fleshly need to make ourselves something, to prove our worth. We are free to serve.

Have you recognized this tendency in your own life to prove your worth? Has this kept you from humble service?

Worry Can’t Change Others

I am thrilled to welcome Kathy Collard Miller as our guest today! This post is based on her new book, “Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries: Finding Peace in All Kinds of Weather.”

There’s something deep inside of us that believes worry can change others. If someone we love has a different perspective than we do, we worry. If someone we love has a different belief about God, we worry. If someone we love has a character flaw, we worry. We just know their wrong thinking will mess up their lives.

Some of these worries may truly seem “worthy” of worry. Your mother may not know Christ as her Savior, and she has cancer. Your son may be on the street taking drugs. Your friend may demonstrate a lack of integrity at work. Another friend drives while intoxicated. You may have tried to reason, cajole, quote Scripture, even manipulate each person into changing their ideas and their behavior, but nothing has worked—not even prayer. God hasn’t changed them either. You fear something bad, really bad, is going to happen.

Even if it’s not a matter of something really bad occurring, we can easily take responsibility for someone else’s happiness and then respond in an unhealthy way. I recognized that possibility as we walked through the grief process with my mother-in-law, Audrey.

My husband’s parents, Don and Audrey, were married for sixty-two years and in that time, Audrey was only alone overnight for fewer than twenty nights—total. Even when Don was away during two different wars, Audrey’s mother lived with her. Four or five months before Don passed away, Audrey remarked to me, “If something happens to Don, I don’t know if I can live alone.” Then about a month later she commented, “I’ve been thinking about living alone and I think I can do it.” I was so proud of her.

The first night of Don’s hospitalization, Audrey stayed in our home. The next day she surprised us with her spunk, saying she wanted to return to her own home. I volunteered to spend the night at her home, but she said, “No, I have to get used to it.” And she did, even after Don died a week later.

But that doesn’t mean I didn’t worried about her loneliness. During the first two weeks we made sure she had something to do with us every day. But realizing we couldn’t keep that up for long, I wondered how she would cope.

In my prayer time I prayed verses for Audrey dealing with the topic of loneliness. I began praying Psalm 146:9 for her: “The LORD protects the strangers; He supports the fatherless and the widow; But He thwarts the way of the wicked” (NASB). Unexpectedly, I thought, I shouldn’t try to fill the place the Lord wants in her life.

Wow—that hit me hard. In my worry about her loneliness, I had begun to feel responsible to make sure she wasn’t lonely. I wrote in my journal: “I can try to be there too much and she could depend upon me and/or Larry instead of looking to You, Lord. Help me, Father, to resist the compulsion to ‘be there’ for her too much.”

When I told Larry about what the Lord had revealed to me, I jokingly (but with some seriousness) quipped, “God doesn’t want me to be your mom’s grief savior.” If I had continued to worry about her, I could have easily become that. And I’d be good at it because I so easily take responsibility for the happiness of others.

When I talked to Audrey later that day, she enthusiastically said, “Guess what Chuck Swindoll talked about on his radio program today?”

“What, Mom Audrey?”

“Loneliness. It really ministered to me.”

I laughed. God had come through. I didn’t need to be in charge of making sure she wasn’t lonely. Of course, she’s going to be lonely—she’s alone for the first time in her life. We certainly are going to help her, but she should primarily look to God, not us. Otherwise, she’ll draw too close to us and not closer to God.

BOOK SUMMARY AND BIOGRAPHY:

It is possible to worry less through trusting God more. Regardless of the storms of trials, temptations, worry, uncertainty, confusion, or regrets that you’re facing, you can trust God more. Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries offers a conversational style, personal testimonies, practical illustrations, and solid biblical teaching for breaking anxiety and the devastating effects of worry. Each chapter includes Discussion Questions for individuals or groups, along with a “Letter from God.” In addition, a profile of a woman in the Bible who struggled with or experienced victory over worry is featured in each chapter to inspire every reader to see God’s hand in her life.

Kathy Collard Miller is a speaker and author. Her passion is to inspire women to trust God more. She has spoken in 30 states and 7 foreign countries. Kathy has 49 published books including Women of the Bible: Smart Guide to the Bible (Thomas Nelson) and she blogs at www.KathyCollardMiller.blogspot.com. Kathy lives in Southern California with her husband of 43 years, Larry, and is the proud grandma of Raphael. Kathy and Larry often speak together at marriage events and retreats.

God is Now Optional

Have you heard the news? God is now optional. You can choose for yourself whether or not you want to acknowledge Him.

Last week, the Air Force Academy announced a decision to make a phrase in the honor code “optional.” Now cadets can decide for themselves if they would like to commit to resolve to do their duty and live honorably with or without God’s help.

According to the Academy’s official statement by Lt. Gen. Michelle Johnson, this change helps “build a culture of dignity and respect” among the cadets by giving them “freedom” to choose their religious preference.

What the Lt. General does not realize is that her “freedom” to not acknowledge God is really great foolishness with eternal consequences.

Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness…  Romans 1:28-29a

Maybe you heard the news story and shook your head or said “so sad.” Maybe you’re thinking it’s just a small thing. But God said this would happen. It’s another step along the “last days” path of destruction for our society. God warned us through Paul’s letter to Timothy:

You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. 2 For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. 3 They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. 4 They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. 5 They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that!

2 Timothy 3:1-5, NLT

Does any of that sound familiar? Just look around. The Air Force Academy cadets can now choose to abstain from lying, stealing, and cheating under their own power or with God’s help.

“We will not lie, steal or cheat nor tolerate among us anyone who does. Furthermore, I resolve to do my duty and live honorably, so help me God.” Or so help myself.

Those who choose to leave out the phrase “so help me God” are “rejecting the power that could make them godly.”

In reality, every one of us makes that choice every day. Will we live under God’s authority and accept the help and power that can only come from Him? Or will we choose to reject Him and be our own god? One choice leads to life and one leads to eternal destruction.

The choice seems easy. So why do so many choose the way of destruction? The real truth of it is that when we choose to reject the one, true God we are worshipping ourselves. We have set ourselves up as “god.” Lord, have mercy on us!

We can’t choose for the cadet. Or for our spouse. Or for our neighbor. But each of us can choose to live our life dependent on God. What will you choose today?

 

Have You Listed Your Prayers Before God?

I am honored to welcome Linda Evans Shepherd as my guest blogger today! The following post is excerpted from her new book “Experiencing God’s Presence: Learning to Listen While You Pray.”

Today I have a vibrant relationship with God, but this was not always the case. Though I’ve had a special love for the Lord since childhood, I felt lonely. I knew I could talk to him in my heart, but as far as I could tell, God either couldn’t or wouldn’t talk back, because I’d decided, God is silent, and his silence felt deafening.

Of course I knew God used the Bible to guide my life, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there had to be more. I longed for something beyond my one-sided relationship with him, to see him, to hear him, face-to-face. But I figured that wouldn’t happen until I graduated to heaven, and I wasn’t ready for that. I felt stuck because until then, my timid, little prayers had not seemed to connect me to God on a deeper level.

For starters, I wasn’t even sure how to pray correctly, effectively or in a way that helped me feel the warmth of God’s presence. It seemed to me that my prayers were only going as high as the ceiling. That’s why I set out on a quest to try to figure out how to crack the prayer code. Then the day came when I found myself listening to a speaker who explained that what I really needed to do was to create an elaborate list of requests to daily bring before the Lord. The speaker even demonstrated a clever notebook she’d developed that would help me organize my list. “The exciting part,” she explained, “Is getting to put a checkmark next to the requests as God answers.”

I was intrigued, so I dutifully bought the notebook and made my list, then carefully recited it to the Lord for an entire month. But I felt like I was merely reciting a shopping list to God. I couldn’t help but shake my head and grin; for if my husband only communicated with me through a list of everything he wanted me to do, I would certainly get annoyed.

Not wanting to annoy God, I abandoned my list until a couple of years later when I happened to find the notebook in the bottom of a drawer. When I opened it and read through my original requests, I was amazed that I was able to pull out my pen and put a checkmark next to every petition I’d jotted down two years earlier. So despite the fact that I’d been worried that my prayer list bored God, I realized God had not only heard my prayers, he had graciously responded with many miraculous results, even long after I’d forgotten to pray. This exercise proved to me that I could boldly come to his throne of grace, even when I came with a long recital of prayer requests.

Still I felt God was too majestic and powerful for me to think of him only as my ‘heavenly bag-boy’ and I knew my prayer life had a ways to grow if I were to develop the vibrant two-way relationship I longed to have with the Lord of the Universe.

Today, though I still keep prayer lists, I no longer recite them daily. However, I do review and update them monthly, and I do so enjoy checking off his answers.

However, I’m glad my prayer journey didn’t get lost in my lists, but continued as I pushed to connect with God. These days, I can tell you that my prayer times bring me the closeness to God I’d longed for. I’ve discovered that as I’ve reached for a more vibrant friendship with God, he reached right back with his presence. Not only has he given me a deepening relationship with him, he’s given me answered prayers, joy and peace, and most importantly, he’s given me his presence and allows me to hear his loving voice.

These benefits to going deeper with God are available to all who push into his presence and learn how  to recognize his voice.

Linda is the, founder and leader of Advanced Writers and Speakers Association and President of the non-profit ministry Right to the Heart. She oversees the publication of Finding God Daily, an online devotional as well as Thinking About Suicide, a ministry for the hurting. Linda has authored almost 30 books including co-authoring the bestselling Share Jesus Without Fear. She’s married to Paul and has two children. You can follow her blog here.

Our Battle with the Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy is a beast. Often referred to as “the green-eyed monster,” it hungrily devours our peace, contentment, and joy leaving nothing but decay in its wake. Shakespeare, who coined this metaphor for jealousy in his play “Othello,” knew it’s destructive power. Perhaps he had this proverb on the side of his coffee mug.

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30, NIV

I’ll be honest with you. I have green eyes, both literally and metaphorically. Jealousy is something I’ve struggled with over the years. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think most women share this struggle.

One of the biggest areas of envy is the comparison trap. I know it has caught me over and over.

She’s thinner… prettier… funnier… smarter… richer… more popular… (insert your own particular source of jealousy here)… than me. I wish I had/was that. I don’t like her. I’m unhappy. I’ll never be happy.

A drop of jealousy can begin a downward spiral that spins us right into decaying despair. Rotting bones.

Jealousy is a strong, even overwhelming emotion. We see a possession or quality that belongs to someone else and we want it. And we don’t want them to have it. Jealousy is hostile, disruptive, and consuming.

Think about the last time you felt jealous. What did you see that you wanted? Who possessed it? How did you feel about that person? How did you feel about yourself?

Jealousy plants decay in our hearts and souls. It eats us up from the inside out. It derails the abundant life Jesus says belongs to us in Him. And we do it to ourselves.

Oh, the world is filled with an endless supply of things that can spark jealousy. How can we kill that dreaded green-eyed monster?

King David – who definitely had some experience with jealousy – reveals the kill shot in Psalm 37.

1 Don’t worry about the wicked or envy those who do wrong. 2 For like grass, they soon fade away. Like spring flowers, they soon wither. 3 Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. 4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.  Psalm 37:1-4, NLT

We get jealous because we’re focused on ourselves. We must focus our eyes, our hearts, our desires on Jesus instead. The more we look at Him, the more we want Him. The more we want Him, the less of everything else we’ll want. Then what we desire and what God wants to give us will be the same thing!

The more of Him we want, the more of Him we’ll have. And unlike the stuff of the world, Jesus will complete satisfy our “wanter.” Isn’t God miraculous?

Focus on Jesus. Slay the green-eyed monster. Experience joy and satisfaction.

What is your weak spot? Where in your life does the green-eyed monster most often attack? What have been the repercussions in your life?

Great Opportunity for Moms, Mentors and Ministry Leaders

I want to share an exciting opportunity with you. It’s a conference I hope to go to. I know and love many of the women on the MOM Initiative Team that’s planning and sponsoring this conference. They’re the real deal and have a boat load of wisdom between them.

If you’re a mother, grandmother, mentor, or women’s ministry leader, please check this out. Sometimes we need to step away from things to refuel and be refreshed. Sometimes, we need to get our batteries recharged and gain a fresh perspective that will fire us up to keep on keepin’ on!

SOMETIMES…we just need a weekend to laugh together, cry together, and discover you’re not alone in your journey. BETTER TOGETHER is a weekend to connect with women just like you….moms, wives, single moms, moms in blended families, divorced moms, moms of teens, moms of toddlers, grandmas and ministry leaders.

BETTER TOGETHER, is a conference by The M.O.M. Initiative for women of ALL ages and in ALL seasons. It’s coming to the Southeast for MOMS, MENTORS, and MINISTRY LEADERS!

Powerful keynotes from moms and ministry leaders will highlight the BETTER TOGETHER conference. Plus, over 40 breakout sessions will be taught by experienced leaders, including a wide range of topics such as:

When Motherhood Should Come with a Training Manual
You Can’t Be 1/2 a Mom (for moms in blended families)
Social Media Wise Parents
Bully Proof
Balancing Life and Ministry
Fight for Your Family
The Making of a Mom
Lord, Help My Marriage
Building a Top Notch Team
Reaching the Hard to Reach Child

You’ll experience an amazing time of worship with The Journey Worship Band. You’ll learn, you’ll share, you’ll grow in Christ… as a mother… as a mentor… and as a ministry leader.

Expect to have fun, meet other moms, find hope and encouragement, and laugh…a lot!

Great worship with the live band
Lots of giveaways!
Late Night Bash with the M.O.M.s on Friday night!
Lots of opportunities to shop in the Exhibit Hall!
15 Minute M.O.M. appointments where you can meet a M.O.M. and chat about what’s on your heart
Lots of breakout sessions (over 40) to help you in your mom journey, your mentor journey or your ministry journey!
Panel Talk on Saturday with some of YOUR questions answered by the M.O.M. team!

Here’s the details:

When: July 31st – August 2nd, 2014
Where: Trinity Baptist Church, Jacksonville, Florida
How Much: Only $49 ($39 for tickets purchased before 12/1/13 & groups of 10 or more)
How: CLICK HERE TO REGISTER NOW!
More Info: Click here for more information

You’ll be empowered, encouraged, refreshed and refueled…ready to fulfill your God-given calling with the confidence of knowing you don’t have to take your mom journey alone.

Don’t miss THE Southeast’s MOM conference of the year, BETTER TOGETHER by The M.O.M. Initiative…      Because we are ALL better together!

What is Wrong with Parents these Days?

I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m not the perfect parent. My kids aren’t perfect either. They’ve messed up. I’ve messed up. We’ll all mess up again.

But there’s a difference between my imperfect parenting and what I’ve seen in the news recently. Though this post is a bit different than what I normally write, two specific stories caught my attention and won’t let it go.

Brian Holloway’s House Trashed

Labor Day weekend, more than 300 teenagers partied at the vacation home of former NFL player, Brian Holloway. Unfortunately, Holloway was not at home. Nor did he know that hundreds of drunk, rowdy party goers were “enjoying” his home. Not until his son happened to see photos and posts pop up on Twitter and other social media outlets.

Holloway called the police but when they arrived the only thing they found was the aftermath – trash, graffiti, broken windows, beer and urine soaked carpet. Holloway estimates the property damage at around $20,000.

Instead of immediately insisting on arrests, Holloway organized a cleanup, but none of the partying teens or their parents showed up. So, in an effort to get the teens to come forward, take responsibility for their actions and change their behavior, Holloway reposted their partying photos on a website he created called HelpMeSave300.com.

How many do you think came forward after that? None! Unless you count the parents who’ve threatened to sue Holloway for posting photos of their delinquent teenagers online. Seriously?!

Twelve-year-old Bullied to Death

The second story resulted in consequences far greater than property damage. On September 9, 12-year-old Rebecca Sedwick jumped to her death from a water tower after suffering months of bullying by a group of 12 to 14 year-old girls.

It started over a boy late last year at school. Physical attacks. Terrorizing her online. The school knew. The parents’ knew. Rebecca’s parents resorted to homeschooling. But it continued. In fact, it continued even after Rebecca unsuccessfully attempted suicide last December by cutting her wrists.

So far, Florida sheriff Grady Judd has arrested two girls, charging them with felony aggravated stalking. And he hasn’t ruled out charging the parents too.

His reasoning? “It only can happen when parents don’t parent their children,” he said. “You need to know what they’re talking about online. You need to know who their friends are. You need to know if they’re bullying people at school.”

The arrests happened after one of the girls made an self-incriminating comment online last weekend. The parents’ response? “Somebody hacked her Facebook account.”

These two stories have some sad similarities:

Parents who refuse to take responsibility for the behavior of their children.
Parents who have not taught their kids that actions have consequences.
Parents who’ve absorbed or taken care of the consequences of their kids actions.
Parents who’ve fostered an atmosphere of entitlement.
Parents who’ve never taught  their children to care about or respect other people.

I realize that some kids will behave like this even when their parents have taught them these things. But in the aftermath, when a kid makes a bad choice, a good parent makes them stand up and take responsibility for their actions.

They don’t make excuses for them. Or blame someone else. Or sue the victim.Help me understand this. Am I making too much of this or is our society on a downward spiral?

In the wake of his experience, Brian Holloway has started a movement to encourage parents to teach their kids to be responsible for their actions.

What can we do as the church? What can believers do to help the younger generation change the direction they’re headed? What can we do to teach and encourage young parents?

Let’s share some ideas today!

A Pig with a Nose Ring

Have you ever seen a pig with a gold ring in its nose? I haven’t, but I’ve seen the equivalent many times. You probably have too. Check out this morsel of ancient wisdom to see what I mean:

A woman who is beautiful but lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout. Proverbs 11:22, NLT

Would you ever entrust a valuable ring of gold to a mud-wallowing, slop-eating sow? Of course not, it would be a waste! Likewise, physical beauty is wasted on a woman with low morals, poor ethics, and a loose, unguarded tongue. Unfortunately, a lot of beauty is going to waste around us today.

Numerous celebrities jump to mind as illustrations of this proverb. I won’t name names, but you know them too. These women have lovely faces and svelte bodies. They dress in only expensive designer fashions. But their speech and behavior is anything but beautiful.

They cheat on their husbands, curse like a sailor, shoplift, drive under the influence, trash talk the actress who took their part – or their man- and demean themselves on a concert stage in front of thousands of cheering fans.

It’s easy to point our fingers at the glaringly obvious. But, if we’re real honest, sometimes we are that bejeweled swine. Sometimes our speech and behavior contradict the beautiful woman of Christ God created us to be.

Gossip, immodesty, poor judgment, ethical compromise, and unfaithfulness are some of the characteristics that could describe a woman who lacks discretion. When we talk and act like the world around us, we are that pig with the gold ring.

God will teach us discretion if we ask Him (Psalm 119:66). Let’s guard our mouths and submit our behavior to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Let’s be different from the world. Let’s meld beauty with good judgment and in the process bring glory to God and point people to Christ.

Have you ever been that pig with the gold ring in its snout? What would you do differently today?

 

 

3 Ways to “Build” with Our Words

This post is the first in a short series, “Ancient Wisdom for Today’s Woman.” Each post will highlight a verse from Proverbs and explore how Christian women can apply it to our lives today.

None of us would purposefully drive our car through our living room window, set our bedroom curtains on fire, or take a sledge hammer to the living room wall. (Though Kathy Bates’ character did do that last thing in the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes.”)

In fact, most of us work hard to care for and protect our homes. We install locks, and smoke detectors. We polish and clean. We replace things that get broken and paint shabby surfaces. Unfortunately, sometimes we care more for our physical homes than for the people who live in them.

Sometimes we do pick up sledge hammers. But it’s not brick and mortar house we slam. Not the house, but the household. The family who dwells within. We wreak destruction with our words and our attitudes and our absence. We tear down fragile hopes and dreams with thoughtlessness and indifference.

This is nothing new. Wise King Solomon even witnessed this widespread tragedy about 3,000 years ago:

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1

How does this happen? Why would a woman – even a Christian woman – “tear down” (beat down, break down, ruin, destroy) the family she loves?

I dare say that none of us would do this on purpose or in one fell swoop. Instead, we tear down our loved ones a brick at a time in moments when our spiritual guard is down. Times when we are overwhelmed or tired or busy or anxious. In those moments when we aren’t leaning on Jesus.

Solomon calls this woman “foolish.” He also said we can recognize a fool when she opens her mouth (Proverbs 17:28), so it’s no surprise that our tool of destruction is usually our words.

Words are powerful. They can either build up or tear down (Ephesians 4:29). Destructive words discourage, deflate, and divide. Constructive words build up, encourage, and unify. (For more about words that “build up” see Words of Grace.)

Here are three ways we can purposefully use our words to build up and not tear down:

Share God’s Word (Acts 20:32) – When we keep the Bible central in our homes, our spouse, children, grandchildren will thrive on its truth. Talk about it, read it, memorize it together. As each member of the family grows in their relationship with God, they will also grow in their relationship with each other.
Pray for Them (Jude 20) – Whenever we regularly pray for another person, God seems to change our heart and attitude toward them. That change will in turn affect how we talk to them and treat them. We can pray for our family members in our personal time with God, but let’s also pray with them and over them.  As we pray, they’ll hear our heart for them.
Everyday Conversation (1 Thessalonians 5:11) – We tend to underestimate the impact of our day-to-day, normal interaction with our family members. Every word we say has the potential to tear down or build up. Anger, half-truths, deception, ridicule, insults, gossip, selfishness, berating, and more destroy relationships and injure the individual. But kindness, gentleness, forgiveness, humility, and compassion build relationships and encourage the individual (Colossians 3:8, Ephesians 4:25-5:7).

Let’s lay down the sledge hammer and ask God to guard our heart and our mouths. Let’s be women of wisdom who use our words to build up and encourage.

Who in your life needs a little “building up?” What is one specific way you can use your words to build them up today?