Heather S. Ingemar's Blog, page 8

Springfest Uke

Waiting, in the court pavilion, ready to strum at a moment’s notice…

Tagged: bardic, medieval, out and about, sca, Society for Creative Anachronism, travel, ukulele

Springtime Music

My Cordoba 20TM-CE and lilac flowers.

This is the first in a series of informal photo posts I plan to do. I think it’s always far more interesting to see where a musician’s tools of the trade travel to, what environments they live in, the people and places they keep company with. Because instruments tell fascinating stories in their long and varied lives. :-)

Tagged: flowers, home, lilacs, out and about, photography, travel, ukulele

Secret

I lay down in bed, feeling whale-ish as I struggle to get settled amongst the covers.

My head hits the pillow.

I sigh, comfortably.

And my hand sneaks its way across my rotund belly,

Feeling,

Gently,

For the little body growing there, as he settles down as well.

 

It’s a secret if this moment is all I get.

My fingers make a cradle from the outside.

I wish, desperately, that it were not a secret,

That there were some solace to be had,

Some bit of peace, of mental relaxation, of guaranteed protection from the specter of fear and death…

But this moment is beautiful.

This moment is precious.

 

I wish that I weren’t so greedy, always wanting more than just this:

These few gentle breaths of time where I am, where nothing now can take it away.

Tagged: life, loss, love, neonatal death, poetry, Pregnancy

New Domain

Just a quick note, I’ve got a new domain name! Now, when you visit, you’ll now see http://moderndaybard.net/

heather-stearns.com will remain effective for the (near) forseeable future, but will redirect to the new address…

Here’s to a new leaf in my online shenanigans and musical adventures! :-)

Tagged: announcements, bardic, news

The Things I’ve Learned in a Year

They say you never know what you’re made of until you are tested. They say you never know who your true friends are until adversity strikes. They say, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

There are all kinds of sage bits of wisdom and quippy sayings about when life gets tough and our intrepid souls are forced into perseverance.

It is June, now, and in a few days a year will have gone by since J and I lost our firstborn son to what doctors call “neonatal death,” but what I like to call “God’s will.” It has been one Hell of a year, to say the least. We’ve dealt with the emotional rollercoaster, seen the sheer ugly insensitivity of people, and then turned right around and seen the amazing and beautiful love people are capable of. We made choices we never thought we’d have to make. We found friends we never thought we’d have. We’ve raged at God, then found ourselves still in church, singing His praise. We’ve lost our hope and somehow felt through the dark until we found it again, different and new.

We’ve been torn apart, seam from seam, and been put back together.

It has not been easy.

But I’ve learned that strength is not often seen, but felt, and it resides in everyone, even when we think it doesn’t.
I’ve learned that good relationships are too easy to take for granted, when they’re the most important part of life and MUST be nurtured above all else.
I’ve also learned that bad relationships aren’t worth wasting your time over.
Because we aren’t guaranteed five minutes.
And every breath we take is precious.

I’m not at the end of this story, not by a long shot. The ripples left by Michael’s all-to-brief life with us will be felt for a long, long time. And there is much I still have to figure out.

But here at the end of a year, I can see how good has come out of tragedy, rising like a phoenix. I can feel my broken heart and see the healing.

Onward and upward.

Tagged: God, grief, healing, life, loss, love, neonatal death, Pregnancy, Relationships

The Bard’s View: Projects Between Events

I am loving every minute of this Kingdom Bard thing!

This last week has really been challenging my creativity in the writing department — which is something I’ve been neglecting for the last couple of years, so I was glad of the challenge. At May Crown, our next King and Queen were selected by combat, and a couple weeks ago the call came out from An Tir’s scribal group that they need new award scroll texts for the soon-to-be new monarchs (because it keeps court interesting if the populace isn’t guessing the awards by the time the Herald has gotten halfway through the first sentence).

I’d been looking for some kind of creative writing project, so I volunteered my time and talents to helping generate some text for the newest award of our Kingdom, the Sable Gauntlet. It’s been fun, coming up with both prose and rhyme to honor the deeds of our talented fighters. :-)

Performing during court at May Crown. Photo by Geneva Day.

And all the prep for July Coronation — the next major event for my Bard-iness — is whetting my anticipation. :-) Our friends (who will be our new monarchs) absolutely love music, and have enthusiastically taken up my offer to help coordinate performances for their Coronation ceremony. I’ve already had a bunch of volunteers, and the list of specialties they command makes my musician-self absolutely giddy.

But truly the best part has been the compliments.

There’s just something… heartwarming? Satisfying? About being encouraged when you still feel like you’re floundering a little bit to figure everything out. Especially with a position like being a Champion, where it’s high-profile (a friend said I’m basically a rock-star in our Kingdom for the next year), and you want to honor both the importance of the position as well as the deeds, time, and care past Champions have put in.

Made my day. :-)

So, it’s back to the writing board with me; the birds are singing their songs to me outside my kitchen window, and words of valor and honor are calling my name.

Tagged: bardic, creativity, medieval, music, poetry, Renaissance, sca, Society for Creative Anachronism

1570s Italian Kirtle and Maternity Wear

Because I cannot remember if I posted any pictures… here are a few of my 1570s Italian kirtle that I made to match J’s black & red Tudor garb.

The kirtle was made from 7 yards of red linen, with the trim and the apron also being made of linen. My shirt is muslin, and the same one I’ve been wearing for the last year.

I made this kirtle this winter, pre-pregnancy. In the 16th century, there wasn’t such a thing as specific “maternity wear” as we know it. So what did women do, especially merchant-class women who weren’t wealthy enough to go into seclusion for nine months?

Just loosen the laces, folks. (21.5 weeks along in this photo, by the way.)

One thing I’ve noticed in my research is that wealthy women seemed to prefer kirtles that laced up the sides or the back — probably because they could afford “wet nurses” to care for their infant children. It was highly unlikely, and even rather disapproved of, that a noblewoman would dare to nurse her own child.

But peasant class and even the wealthier merchant class women tended to dress more for practicality, and front-laced kirtles were more common. In addition, wealthier women could afford ladies’ maids to assist in dressing them — laces didn’t need to be located in the front.

Though there are a few things I would like to do differently on the next kirtle I make (such as arranging the holes correcty for spiral lacing and doing a better job fitting the bodice), overall I am pleased with the result.

Tagged: Pregnancy, Renaissance, sca, Sewing, Society for Creative Anachronism

The Bard’s View: Celtic Revolt

Situated in the wild woodlands of the Barony of Wealdsmere, this event was an event to remember.

I always enjoy Wealdsmereian events, as they have a pretty active bardic community, and this event was no different. In the early afternoon on Saturday I taught my Beginning Bardic class to an eager group of teens and a couple of adults — I am pleased to say it was by far my largest group yet! It warmed the cockles of my heart to see such eagerness in the realm of performance arts, and I hope I was able to answer all their questions (a surprising number, of which, centered around Kingdom-level competition).

Other bardic offerings included competition for their Bardic Championship, a Filk Contest, and a Bardic circle around the fire late on Saturday night. I was honored to be asked to be a judge for their Championship, and was well-pleased to see they had gone the extra mile in creating actual judging forms, because I am finding there is a pretty big gap between typical, Baronial-level bardic competition and Kingdom-level competition. I am unsure as to why this is, but it is something I’d like to see change. As things stand right now, there is interest in competing at Kingdom Arts & Sciences, but it is intimidating to a performer who is used to populace choice judging to have to generate research, documentation, and tailor a performance to a score sheet. I was honored to have been consulted for my opinion on this very matter by those who ran the Baronial Championship this weekend, and was pleased to offer my knowledge and abilities in assisting them however I can.

I enjoyed the Filk Contest as well — afterwards, for fun, I debuted a lovely filk I’d been granted permission to perform and it was received with much joy and acclaim by the populace. And though I grew quite weary by the end of my very long day (we’d traveled that morning, so it was a loooooong day) I put in the requisite appearance at the Bardic fire and enjoyed socializing and performing there, as well.

Dear Husband with his rapier at Baron’s Ball, 2012. Photo by Thorkell Paulson

But truly, it was my husband’s weekend, not mine.

After my lack of support during May Crown, I made sure to attend all of his fights on the War field (he killed lots and laughed lots). I always love watching him fence; when he’s out there, he glows, and it seems like such an infrequent thing during our day-to-day mundane life, it makes me so happy to see him in his niche. :-)

On Sunday morning, he asked me for the honor of being his Inspiration for the Championship tournament (swoon), and I had the privilege of witnessing him win his first Championship. :-)

He has come such a long way since he began fencing, and it makes me so very proud to see him pursuing his passion.

The weekend couldn’t have been better.

Tagged: bardic, fencing, medieval, Rapier, Renaissance, sca, Society for Creative Anachronism

The Bard’s View: May Crown

I am back, exhausted and happy, from my first large event as the Kingdom Bardic Champion of An Tir. Good times were had and lessons learned, the biggest of which is that I cannot be in two places at once. :-P

For the uninitiated, a ‘Crown’ event is a large, kingdom-wide event. Typically, when someone refers to a  ‘Crown’ event, they are referring to the large event where we either determine the next heirs to the Thrones by combat, or coronate them our new Majesties.  And when I say they are a large event, I mean it: the lists had 105 couples (1 fighter + their inspiration) for the tournament to determine the new heirs to the Thrones. Plus their retinues. Plus the other fighters who came for “pickup” or practice fights. Plus the non-fighters and merchants who attended. The tent city sprawled across the site and hummed with activity.

As I mentioned above, the biggest lesson I take away from the weekend is that from now on I must be careful to not book myself solid. Granted, Crown events are busy affairs. But the biggest thing is that I barely saw my husband all weekend, and spent a good portion of my time hoofing it to various functions. The worst part was not feeling like I had enough time to devote to any one thing. :-/ So: lesson learned. Though I may try, I simply cannot be everywhere.

But that makes it sound like a sub-par event, and it most definitely was NOT. :-)

I had the honor of meeting several members of the Bards group, and enjoyed every moment. Such lovely, talented people! I look forward to meeting more of them as the year progresses.

And, I have to say, it was a BANNER weekend for my local Barony — our Baron and Baroness became our new Crown Prince and Princess, and many well-deserved awards and honors were presented to members of the populace. It is truly a privilege for me to stand behind the Throne and witness award-giving process: the joy in which they are presented and the joy in which they are received. After my term as Bardic Champion ends, that will be one of my fondest memories I take with me — being witness to the beautiful recognition given to deserving souls. :-)

In the evening at our baronial encampment, I debuted the baronial anthem which I had been working on, “The Blue, the White, and Gold.” I originally had not intended to perform it until our next local event, but after such an awesome showing, I could not resist. It is a lovely anthem which, unfortunately, has not been heard in our Barony for many, many years. I was honored to be put in touch with one of the composers several months ago, and knew I had to learn and revive this piece of Wastekeepian history. I am pleased to say it was well-receieved, and many of the “old guard” sang the refrain with me around the fire. My heart soared.

So I am home now, happy, exhausted, and back to the grind so to speak. There is a growing part of me that wishes I didn’t have to leave the magic of an event and rejoin day-to-day life, but I also think it is the contrast between the two that makes the memories so special.

Until next time…

Tagged: An Tir, bardic, medieval, music, Renaissance, sca, Society for Creative Anachronism

Names and — dare I say it — Anticipation?

This whole Pregnant-After-A-Loss thing is so tricky. Half the time — oh who am I kidding? — ALL the time, I never quite know how to feel.

Regardless, Passenger #2 keeps growing. Keeps kicking. Keeps making him/herself known in various ways throughout the day. I am happy and thankful for that.

Still doesn’t make the emotional side of everything easier, however.

I am rapidly coming up on the “big” ultrasound — the 20 week appointment where the medical professionals make sure everything looks like it’s developing okay, but where all parents-to-be are eager to see the “big gender reveal.” I’m kind of OCD about it, in that I feel massive pressure to have a name Picked and Ready before we walk into the exam room.

At first, I Dreaded It. I didn’t even really want to schedule the appointment. How on earth could we come up with another name — especially a boy’s name? How could I walk fearlessly, let alone hopefully, into that room knowing all the problems they might find, just in case Fate has it Out For Us, just in case we aren’t supposed to bring this one home, either? Each day is an exercise in endurance — not the anticipation, not the excitement a pregnant woman should be experiencing. So many hours of so many days spent walking on proverbial eggshells, stressing about the last thing I ate, the weight of the box I just lifted, the wood smoke I just inhaled from a neighbor’s bonfire, whether I should have done X, Y, or Z, and if my worries are all in my head or if they are valid… The minefield that is Pregnancy-After-A-Loss stretches for what feels like forever in front of me. Some days it’s paralyzing, realizing I’m carrying something so entirely precious, so entirely wanted… and knowing it can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Knowing I could “pay my dues,” put in my time, and still – STILL! — walk away with nothing to show for it. (I wouldn’t be the first woman that has happened to, and it is my greatest fear.)

I didn’t even want to look at names. It felt futile, so wrong. Almost like accepting ‘congratulations’ before we actually have a living child in our arms.

But slowly, I came around.

And now, there are two names posted up on my mirror and I’m kind of looking forward to the appointment. It’s almost an alien feeling. I have forgotten how to anticipate, so focused have I been on avoiding the pitfalls.

But here, at two weeks away from halfway there, I am finding a tiny seed of hope growing tenderly. The baby kicks and rolls around in my belly with vigor… and I find myself wanting to know who the Passenger is. Even if it hurts in the long run.

And that’s a start. :)

Tagged: grief, healing, life, loss, love, Pregnancy