Tony Noland's Blog, page 6

The Martian

Today's XKCD captures it perfectly:


And the rollover text is priceless: 

 "I have never seen a work of fiction so perfectly capture the out-of-nowhere shock of discovering that you've just bricked something important because you didn't pay enough attention to a loose wire."

Yes, this. Exactly this. If you haven't read "The Martian", you should. It's a gearhead's triumph dream.

And I'm SO excited about the movie!



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Landless by Tony Noland. If you like the blog, try one of the books.

"Beyond the Sea of Storms" - an interview with Larry Kollar

Larry Kollar is a writer and friend of mine from Georgia. Not only does he write some great fantasy, having had wonderful success with his Accidental Sorcerers series, but along with P.J. Kaiser and myself, he's one of the three guiding lights of Tuesday Serial, a site that curates and promotes serial fiction. Larry's got a new book out (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00YBDHQKE) and I'm happy to give him an opportunity to introduce it to you and to talk about his writing.

"Tell us about your book."
Beyond the Sea of Storms is the sixth Accidental Sorcerers story. Chronologically, it picks up shortly after Book 5, Lost in Nightwalk. By now, our heroes have been away from home for almost two years, and it's starting to wear on Sura. Mik, meanwhile, has issues stemming from the debacle in Nightwalk and his near-death. The presence of the Deep Forest, the ancient home of the Unfallen, has a calming effect on Mik… but when Sura hatches a plan to walk through it to get back home, they find the Forest has other plans!

"Do you have a specific writing style?"Yes, it's one that all the writing advice sites say is w0RnG. I tend to edit as I write. After a few attempts at breaking the habit, I gave up and rolled with it. It does make for less rewriting and lighter editing, so I get the time back one way or the other. My first drafts still suck, but they suck less.
"Name one entity that you feel supported you, aside from family members. A writer's community? A social network? A mentor?"
I don't think I would be where I am now without the #FridayFlash community on Twitter. I met so many of my best Twitter friends, and a lot of my writer friends, that way.
"Is there anything you find particularly challenging in your writing?"You mean besides getting time to write? I may be a little too prone to letting inspiration drive me. It's so easy to get distracted these days, and if I'm not feeling the writing vibe, I'm not going to get many words down that day.
"Who designed the cover art?"
As always, Angela Kulig. She's done a wonderful job of finding the right artwork for each book, and they do a great job of connecting the books together.
"Did you learn anything from writing your book and what was it?"
The most important thing I learned is that I'm still prone to procrastination. I should have been doing this a month ago, getting all the things done, but I didn't. Now I'm behind the eight-ball once again on the next thing. :-P
"Your doctors inform you that you have developed a life-threatening allergy to ketchup (any and all brands), and can never have it again. Not on fries, not on burgers, not at all. How do you feel?"Wife has a similar allergy to shellfish, so I know what that's like second-hand. I'd probably be OK with BBQ sauce—if not the red stuff, the yellow mustard-based stuff that's popular in South Carolina. I don't much live for ketchup, although I would have to start remembering to tell the guys behind the fast-food counters about it… that would be the hard part.
"What's next for Larry Kollar?"
Several things! First, we're working on getting the Accidental Sorcerers series into print. I'm bundling the books in threes for the paperback release to get them up to a reasonable size. I've got conversion scripts to transform the eBooks into typesetter markup, and a set of expert fonts to use. There's some hand-fiddling to do, but they're going to look tons better than something dumped straight out of Word.
After that, it's Book 7. I'm about 15% of the way done, but don't yet have a title. I'm also drafting up the third part of my serial Blink, and getting ready to post it on writeon.amazon.com.
Thanks for giving me a soapbox!



Larry Kollar lives in north Georgia, surrounded by kudzu, trees, and in-laws. His day job involves writing user manuals—some of which may have been fiction, but not by intent. He has had short fictional works published in the Hogglepot Journal, the Were-Traveler, and the anthology Best of Friday Flash, Vol. 2. Longer works include his first novel, White Pickups, and the popular Accidental Sorcerersseries.

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#FridayFlash: The Thrill Is Gone

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

It was as far as he got before his nerve failed him

The priest, who had heard more halting recitations of sin than any of the laity would ever believe or could ever understand, said nothing. He heard the tension in the man's breathing, heard the crack of knuckles and the wringing of hands. This was a good sign. The ones who were completely composed either had very little to confess (and who therefore needed little in the way of help from him) or they were not truly penitant (and were therefore not ready to accept the blessings of contrition and absolution).

The ones who came in with their emotional armor wrapped tightly around them usually ended up lying their way through the confession. It was disappointing, but the priest consoled himself with the thought that merely being in the confessional was a step in the right direction.

He listened to the man's agitation. What he didn't hear was the creaking of the seat or the rattle of the doorknob. There was no indication that the man had changed his mind and was preparing to leave without confessing. So, with the wisdom of age and experience, the priest allowed the moment to stretch for a while before speaking.

After a minute or so, the man said, "It's been... it's been a long time since my last confession."

"Yes, my son? Months? Or years?" The priest spoke gently, but clearly. This was one of his favorite tactics to get the reluctant to open up. Once they've admitting to something as trivial as having neglected the sacrament of confession, the process of admitting to larger sins became easier. He knew that his voice also reminded them that they weren't alone in this shadowy box, and weren't speaking to a disembodied smartphone app. They were unburdening themselves of their sins, something they could not do by their own power.

"Y-years, Father. Many years. A long, long time."

The silence fell again, but the man didn't wait so long this time before speaking again.

"Father... this is going to sound... bad. I mean, it's going to sound crazy." The man paused. Again, the priest could hear him wringing his hands. "The thing is," the man said, "I think... that is, I know that I... that I..."

"Go on, my son. What is it that weighs on you?"

"Father, I killed B.B. King."

Silence fell again in the confessional, now punctuated by the man's heavy breathing. Each breath caught in his throat, sounding close to a sob.

The priest sat for a moment, his years of experience allowing him to keep his disappointment and irritation utterly hidden. He squelched the urge to sigh and roll his eyes. Even through the screen and in the darkness, he knew that such aspects of demeanor were apparent to a person on the other side.

Still, it was disappointing. The man was clearly not a congregant with heavy heart, not a penitant sinner, just a lucid lunatic, giving voice to his madness in the shadows behind a closed door. But no, the priest thought, however absurd the man was, he was clearly in pain and needed some help. Psychiatric help, yes, but spiritual help was a good start, too.

"My son," the priest said, "what makes you say this?"

"Because I know it's true," the man said. "I killed him. I must have. There's no other explanation for it."

"You can rest here, my child. You are safe here in God's presence." The priest knew that telling someone to calm down often had exactly the opposite effect, but that inviting someone to rest usually worked to draw down tensions. "We were all saddened to hear of his death. He was a fine musician, and I understand that he was a good man. It's a great loss, one felt keenly by those who knew him."

"You don't understand, Father. I'm not upset because I heard about him dying. Before yesterday, I only barely knew who he was. I'm upset because I killed him."

"I know how upset you are. I can hear it in your voice. My son, the confessional is a place of truth, a place where we can take off the masks we show the world. We can reveal ourselves to God in this place. Can you tell me why you think you had anything to do with his death?"

"Because I can play guitar. I mean, I can play all his songs, every one of them. 'Sweet Sixteen', 'The Thrill Is Gone', 'Every Day I Have the Blues'... I can play all his hits, note perfect. Not just those, but even the really obscure stuff like 'Sunday Morning' and 'One Shoe Blues'. I can play every riff, every solo, every goofball track he ever laid down."

"I don't understand."

"Father, I couldn't play AT ALL before he died last night! But when I woke up this morning, I had only thought in mind: to get my Gibson back in my hands. MY Gibson? Father, I've never owned a guitar in my life! But I just had to have one. I called in sick to work, Googled the closest music shop and went straight there. As soon as I walked in, I knew something was seriously wrong. There were dozens and dozens of guitars hanging on the wall, the kind of thing that would have been a complete mystery to me. Father, I knew every make and model. It was like I'd spent a lifetime around guitars, like they were my life! I went straight to the Gibsons. They didn't have an ES-355, so I got an ES-339, the model with a fatter body. They only had brown lacquer in stock, not black or red. I bought the ES-339, figuring it would be good enough until I could hunt up an ES-355. And Father... that was when I knew."

"Knew what?"

"That I'd killed B.B. King! I dropped $1800 on a guitar this morning, and I don't even play! Or at least I didn't play. As soon as I had it in my hands, I played exactly like B.B. King for ten minutes straight. The saleguy was amazed, but I was terrified. I bought the guitar, a strap, a pitch-pipe, extra strings, and ten picks. I ordered an amp, cables and pickups, to be delivered later this week. I've spent the entire day playing Lu-... playing this guitar, off-amp. But I don't have the calluses of a guitarist. My fingers are sliced to ribbons - I finally had to stop playing because I was spattering blood on the finish, even though the bandages. Father, all of B.B. King's musical ability and knowledge is inside me! I must have killed him and done some kind of a musical vampire thing, drawing out and consuming his soul. B.B. King is dead in the world, but he lives inside me! Help me, Father - forgive me for taking his life! I didn't mean to, I didn't want to, but I did! I killed him!"

Sobbing, the man collapsed in his seat, the entire confessional shaking with the force of his anguish.

And in the shadows behind the screen, the priest quietly pressed the emergency button, the one that activated the buzzer in the church office. Two shorts and a long... the code for "assistance needed with distraught congregant".

This was more than he could handle alone.

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Landless by Tony Noland. If you like the blog, try one of the books.

What I'm Working On

What I'm working on at the moment:





It's just DRIPPING with passion!!!!!

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Z is for Zombie

This is another fruity drink with a silly name. However, unlike the mostly-forgotten  Harvey Wallbanger or the not-yet-passé Sex on the Beach , the Zombie WILL take you out if you're not careful. From the Wikipeadia page:

Commonly used ingredients1 part white rum1 part golden rum1 part dark rum1 part apricot brandy1 part pineapple juice½ part 151-proof rum1 part lime juicePreparationMix ingredients other than the 151 in a shaker with ice. Pour into glass and top with the high-proof rum.NotesBecause of the high proof rum, this cocktail could be lit if desired.
I remember my nights spent at Ciril's House of Tiki in Chicago, on a gray, cracked section of 53rd Street. Decades later, I can't think of that place without smiling. I usually drank Mai Tais or Singapore Slings, but every now and then would end the night with a Zombie.

Perhaps you're asking, why not start with a Zombie? Why end the night with such a strong drink?

The fact is, once you had a Zombie, your night was over. Oh, there were those in my circle who could claim to be able to drink them all night, and rightly so, since I saw them do it. Not me. Also, they cost $5 each, which was a stiff price for a drink back then, even for a stiff drink.

Any drink you can light on fire is a drink to treat with care. Tasty, but dangerous.

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Landless by Tony Noland. If you like the blog, try one of the books.

Y is for Yellow Bird

The letter Y is a tough one to draw a cocktail for. There's Yellow Chartreuse, a milder, honey-flavored version of Chartreuse, an aromatic liqueur. I'm sure there have been novelty cocktails named Yellow Submarine, Yellow Snow, Yellow Fever, etc., but I'd rather go with something less obvious.

Therefore, I present to you the Yellow Bird , which has an official IBA recipe: 2 parts white rum, one part triple sec, one part lime juice, one part Galliano. Shake and strain into a cold cocktail glass.

I think the Galliano is overkill, since it doesn't make it particularly yellow, but whatever.

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X is for X on the Beach

I seem to recall hearing about something called a Xanadu Cocktail , but since 1) I've never had one, and 2) it sounds disgusting, I'll write about Sex on the Beach instead. I realize it's cheating to put this one up for "X", but it's my blog.

Sex on the Beach is a drink much like the Harvey Wallbanger in one way (deliberately goofy, titillating name), but very unlike the Harvey Wallbanger in another: people still drink Sex on the Beaches, long after it was first introduced.

(Sex on the Beaches? Sexes on the Beach? Sexes on the Beaches? Or is the plural an eponymous Sex on the Beach? Must research this.)

Anyway, it's the kind of drink that has so many variations, and is served in so many different overpriced touristy contexts, that it's hard to say with certainty what this drink would taste like. I've had a few, but they were always made with cocoanut rum. They were also overly iced, sickly sweet and far too weak for my taste.

The Wikipedia page gives a few details on official recipes:

General typesThere are two general types of the cocktail:
The first type is made from vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, and cranberry juice. This is an International Bartenders Association Official Cocktail.The second type is made from vodka, Chambord, Midori Melon Liqueur, pineapple juice, and cranberry juice. This type is listed in the Mr. Boston Official Bartender's Guide.[1]The drink is built over ice in a highball glass and garnished with orange slice.[2] Sometimes they are mixed in smaller amounts and served as a shooter.

Given my experiences with peach schnapps , I don't think I'll be trying the IBA recipe any time soon.

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W is for White Russian

The Dude knows a good drink, I'll give him that. However, I'm not so exclusive about it as he is. For example, if I were someplace that didn't have any cream (or whole milk), I would NOT use powdered dairy coffee creamer to make a White Russian. I'd just make a Black Russian; the Kahlua and vodka mixture tastes pretty good all by itself.



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V is for Vodka Tonic

A story about me and vodka tonics:
My first airplane ride was a flight from St. Louis to JFK, the start of a three week trip to the USSR. I was 14 years old and thrilled to be leaving my family on my first independent adventure. In command of lots of bravado and some pretty sketchy Russian, I was really excited and really nervous.
My parents made sure I ate a good breakfast before going to the airport, since a good breakfast is how you start any long trip. Being excited and nervous, I surely ate more than I should have. (Then as now, I had an unhealthy habit of taking comfort in food.) Fried eggs, bacon, lots of buttered toast... what I now know to be the worst thing to have before a flight.
Our flight had a scheduled stop in Detroit. My nerves, excitement, and an unrecognized propensity for motion sickness conspired together, much to my detriment. During takeoff, I was violently ill, uncontrollably throwing up my substantial breakfast into my air-sickness bag. When mine was full, I used my neighbor's.
There is no humiliation so blazing as that of a 14-year-old boy throwing up in public. Of that, I can assure you.
My situation was made worse by the terrible headache the exertions of my vomiting brought on. By the time we began our approach to Detroit, I was thoroughly shaky. When we began our descent, I began throwing up again, this time into my other seatmate's air-sickness bag. Only when we were taxiing to the terminal did it stop.
By then, it was hard to know where my physical misery ended and my psychological misery began. And if I'd known that worse was to come, I might have gotten off the plane in Detroit and hitchhiker home. 
We sat at the terminal for what felt like a year - a slow, burning, excruciating year. For the most part, the people around me did everything they could to ignore me. Their restraint was forced upon them by circumstances, of course. It was a full flight. It would serve no purpose to complain about the sweaty, pudgy, trembling young man in 23C who had been steadily vomiting for the past hour and a half. The smell, the noise, the sight of it all... none of it was intentional. The best thing anyone could do was grit their teeth and suffer through a flight from hell.
I was left alone to cope as best I could. 
When the plane left the terminal and began the taxi for takeoff, I was terrified that I would lose control yet again. After all, I was now out of air-sickness bags in my entire row. What would I do if...?
Alas, I had occasion to find out. My terror of further humiliation had amped up my adrenaline so much that just as the wheels left the ground, I felt another wave of nausea. With a voice that was spooky with dead, flat calmness, I gently asked the person sitting in front of me if I might have their bag. Three people passed me theirs.
It turned out that I barely even needed one bag. Vomiting, yes, but dry heaves. Yes, dry heaves as we gained altitude leaving Detroit. Why? Why me? I had nothing left to give, no further sacrifice to offer up for the gods of air travel. Why punish me so?
The heaving stopped as we leveled off. I just wanted to die in peace. 
The flight attendant came back to my seat and asked if there was anything I needed. Ashen-faced, drenched in sweat, trembling from my illness, half-blind with a terrible headache, I stared down at my hands. After a moment, I spoke, again in a voice that was so calm, so flat, so drained of energy and emotion that it must have been creepy as hell to hear.
"Yes," I said. "May I have a vodka tonic, please?"
(Note: you might think it strange that a 14-year-old would even know what a vodka tonic was, let alone order one on an airplane in a desperate attempt to find some way of calming his own overwrought nerves. I'll spare you the full background, but leave it by saying that a) that wasn't the first vodka tonic I'd ever ordered, and b) I had a strange childhood.)
If the flight attendant gave me a funny look, I didn't see it. What she did was to leave and return a moment later with a glass of iced tonic water, a lime wedge, and a little airline bottle of vodka. With my shaking, sweaty hands, I opened the bottle, poured it into the glass and stirred. I began to take small sips, one every few minutes as we flew on to New York.
The man sitting next to me, who seemed old at the time, but who was probably close to the same age I am now, spoke to me for the first time since we'd left St. Louis.
"Good idea. That'll help calm your nerves."
"Yes," I replied, "I hope so."
Neither of us spoke again. I finished my vodka tonic a little while before the approach to JFK. I didn't enjoy the landing, but I didn't throw up, either. 





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Landless by Tony Noland. If you like the blog, try one of the books.

U is for Union Jack

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a cocktail that starts with "U"? I ask this so that you will have an idea of how hard I work for you.

The Union Jack cocktail is one that, frankly, I wasn't familiar with. After wracking my brain for weeks to come up with a drink for "U", I finally had to cheat and look one up in the index of my Old Mr. Boston Mixologist's Guide. (Side note: everyone should own that reference text. I'm on my second copy, the previous one having fallen apart from use.)

I'd never had a Union Jack, but, because this is all about ethics in blogging, I realized that I had to make one before I could write a blog post about it. No problem - 2 measures of gin, 1 measure of sloe gin, 1 measure of grenadine, stirred with ice and strained into a chilled glass. What could be easier?

Except I was out of sloe gin last night. Not sure how that happened, since my bar is pretty well stocked. What to do? I didn't have time to run out to get a bottle before the evening's activities, so I made do.

I substituted cointreau for the sloe gin. Not bad, but too sweet. I put it back in the icer, added a small slug of sweetened lime juice, stirred and decanted again. That did the trick. It cut through the sweet with a citrus tang, and gave a delicious, complex drink. The balance of sweet orange, lime, and pomegranate with the hot floral notes of the gin was very tasty.

Later today, I'll pick up a bottle of sloe gin and try a Union Jack according to the traditional recipe. I'm looking forward to it!

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