Peg Herring's Blog - Posts Tagged "conversation"
One-liners...I Want 'em
I'm not a particularly jealous person, but I do covet the ability some have to think of witty, clever shots, short but with lots of punch. Here are just a few.
Calvin Coolidge was asked after church one day what the minister's sermon was about. "Sin," the notoriously terse Cal replied. "And what did he say about it?" the reporter asked.
"He's against it."
Winston Churchill was apparently irritating, at least on one occasion, and a woman said to him, "Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea."
To which Churchill replied, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it."
And a Canadian comedian I saw just last night tells of his entry in Australia. The customs guy asked, "Do you have a criminal record, sir?"
And his reply: "I didn't think we needed one to get in here anymore."
Now why can't I think of such clever replies when the conversation becomes inane or proscribed or too personal? I am a victim of houritis, the condition where that witty remark occurs to me when it's too late, and the moment for rapier wit is lost forever. It doesn't do to chase folks down and tell them, "You know, when you said what you said, I wanted to reply... "
Give it up, and hope to do better the next time.
I did actually get the Golden Chance once when a man asked me (English teacher, remember) if I liked Kipling.
Should I? Did I dare? I did.
I replied, "I don't know. I've never kippled."
Calvin Coolidge was asked after church one day what the minister's sermon was about. "Sin," the notoriously terse Cal replied. "And what did he say about it?" the reporter asked.
"He's against it."
Winston Churchill was apparently irritating, at least on one occasion, and a woman said to him, "Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea."
To which Churchill replied, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it."
And a Canadian comedian I saw just last night tells of his entry in Australia. The customs guy asked, "Do you have a criminal record, sir?"
And his reply: "I didn't think we needed one to get in here anymore."
Now why can't I think of such clever replies when the conversation becomes inane or proscribed or too personal? I am a victim of houritis, the condition where that witty remark occurs to me when it's too late, and the moment for rapier wit is lost forever. It doesn't do to chase folks down and tell them, "You know, when you said what you said, I wanted to reply... "
Give it up, and hope to do better the next time.
I did actually get the Golden Chance once when a man asked me (English teacher, remember) if I liked Kipling.
Should I? Did I dare? I did.
I replied, "I don't know. I've never kippled."
It Will Be in the Last Place You Look
Well, of course it will, because then you'll stop looking for it.
We say stuff every day that makes no sense, and nobody even bats an eye. Okay, there's one right there. We use expressions that are archaic, but I wonder if they ever really made sense. Dead as a doornail, for example. Who decided that a doornail is deader than other types of nails?
We tell people to do things as if they can't figure it out for themselves. We scream at baseball players to run after they hit the ball. What else are they paid millions of dollars to do? Is it a choice? Are they thinking, "Should I run or go out for a latte?" Still, thousands of fans are shouting, "Run!" or "Go!" Should we add, "Travel to first base and then turn slightly to the left!"
We exaggerate regularly, but nobody calls us liars. I have a sort of mental scale that I apply to other people's memories. If they say, "We used to..." whatever, I figure it happened twice. When they add a word, "We used to always..." it might have happened three times.
I confess, I am prone to overblown adjectives. Everything is "wonderful" or "amazing". I know better, but then, a lot of other wonderful and amazing people do the same thing.
Conversation is just funny, even when it doesn't mean to be. We have proscribed roles to play, and we say what is expected of us, even when it doesn't make sense. I'm sure you could find the reasons for it in some psychology book, but I bet it will be in the last place you look.
We say stuff every day that makes no sense, and nobody even bats an eye. Okay, there's one right there. We use expressions that are archaic, but I wonder if they ever really made sense. Dead as a doornail, for example. Who decided that a doornail is deader than other types of nails?
We tell people to do things as if they can't figure it out for themselves. We scream at baseball players to run after they hit the ball. What else are they paid millions of dollars to do? Is it a choice? Are they thinking, "Should I run or go out for a latte?" Still, thousands of fans are shouting, "Run!" or "Go!" Should we add, "Travel to first base and then turn slightly to the left!"
We exaggerate regularly, but nobody calls us liars. I have a sort of mental scale that I apply to other people's memories. If they say, "We used to..." whatever, I figure it happened twice. When they add a word, "We used to always..." it might have happened three times.
I confess, I am prone to overblown adjectives. Everything is "wonderful" or "amazing". I know better, but then, a lot of other wonderful and amazing people do the same thing.
Conversation is just funny, even when it doesn't mean to be. We have proscribed roles to play, and we say what is expected of us, even when it doesn't make sense. I'm sure you could find the reasons for it in some psychology book, but I bet it will be in the last place you look.
