Whitney Gaskell's Blog, page 2

Heard Around The House, Part 84

The Secret Life of Dash Gaskell

Here is a list of what our new mini pin puppy, Dash, believes he is capable of catching and ripping to shreds, if only he had the chance:

lizards

cats

squirrels (“SQUIRREL!!!”)

rabbits

kites

pelicans

bicycles

cars driving toward him

cars driving away from him

150-pound Rottweilers

Here is a list of what Dash is actually capable of catching and ripping to shreds:

pencils

tissues

snausages

crayons

dead bugs

I hope he figures this out quickly.

Least Vertical of the Pack

My son — who is a brilliant cartoonist and a terrible speller — made me laugh when I saw his latest masterpiece.

 

 

He has a point.

 

What Went Wrong With Wednesday

Fellow author Neil Gaiman, whom I have not met. YET. *Cue creepy music*

A list. Not necessarily in order of importance. But that’s a judgment call.

1. I took a very, very cold shower. Tim Ferriss told me I had to in order to lose weight. I tried this, and screamed out many, many bad words. Most of these bad words called into question Tim Ferriss’s parentage and, in particular, the sexual practices of his mother. I hope he understands, and I invite him to scream about my mother in much the same way. I won’t hold a grudge.

2. The Martin County Library Association, which had invited me to speak at their Bookmania! event (the ! is meant to convey enthusiasm) RESCINDED MY INVITATION. The reason? Too many fiction authors! (This ! is meant for irony. And rage.) They considered sticking me on the Young Adult panel, but are holding out hope that Neil Gaiman – who is, apparently, staying in our tiny seaside town, two miles away from my house, and jogging in PUBLIC! – will agree to appear. I am now hoping that Neil Gaiman will be as one with me by telling them to go @?%$#! themselves (no need for translation), and will meet me for brunch as soon as possible to discuss my career prospects. My treat. The Osceola Cafe does a lovely Eggs Benedict.

3. I have a new puppy. His name is Dashiell Hammett Gaskell, or Dash for short. He is very cute, and springy, and cuddly. And today, he took a giant shit on my shoes. I no longer like him.

4. My ten-year-old son got his report card. It made me gnash my teeth, caused my husband to rethink how we might communicate with our son, and my son to cry for thirty minutes straight. Clearly, we’ve aced this parenting shit. Snaps for us!

5. Speaking of shit … the toilet backed up. At this point, I gave up on the day and chose to sit on the couch with a beach towel over my head, but – as my husband grabbed the towel from me to sop up the overflow – he informed me it was BAD.

So, dear readers, tomorrow is another day. And to prepare for it, I plan to purchase some vodka, mix up some martinis, and break out all of my best Dorothy Parker quotes. My late mother-in-law would be proud.

Heard Around The House, Part 83

ME: Happy Birthday!



GEORGE: I’m pretending that this birthday isn’t happening.

ME: I can’t believe you’re 45. Did you know that you’re now half-way to ninety?

GEORGE: That’s the worst thing you’ve ever said to me. Or to anyone else.

ME: And just think, tomorrow you’ll be closer to ninety than you are to birth.

GEORGE: Please stop talking to me.

ME: Are you going to walk around all day reciting that poem? You know — I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled?



GEORGE: Well, not now. I didn’t realize I was so predictable. I guess I need some new material.

ME: Yes, you do. But you know what they say about teaching old dogs new tricks. And forty-five is really, really old for a dog.

Heard Around The House, Part 82

ME: Do you want to watch Here Comes the Boom?

SAM: That doesn’t sound appropriate for a child my age.

ME: It’s rated PG.

SAM: Exactly.

ME: That means parental guidance recommended. I’m your parent. I’m here to guide you. It will be ok.

SAM: I think we should watch The Smurfs instead.

ME: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SAM: Why not?

ME: Do I really have to explain?

SAM: Yes.

ME: Dr. Who it is.

Sam: Yay!

No Dumping

Zoe is a rebel.

Bad Santa

As Sam and I were watching the old Christmas stop-action classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, it occurred to me that the Santa in the show is a complete dick.

Also, the show teaches some questionable life lessons.

It begins when the cute, fuzzy little Rudolph is born. Santa comes to visit, but is immediately horrified by the newborn’s glowing red nose.

“He’ll outgrow it,” Donner – Rudolph’s prick of a dad – promises Santa.

“I hope so, if he’s going to make my team someday,” Santa says, before breaking out in a Jingle, Jingle, Jingle song about how awesome it is to be one of his reindeer, presumably to rub Rudolph’s red nose in the fact that he won’t be allowed on the team.

Donner sticks a fake brown nose on Rudolph. When Rudolph complains about how uncomfortable it is, his father tells him that there are more important things than comfort. Like pride. And sucking up to Santa.

“Santa can’t object to you now,” Donner says.

Life Lesson Number One: Santa mocks children with disabilities.

 

Next we meet Hermey, a little elf who isn’t happy in his toy-making work. When he tells his boss that he wants to be a dentist, the foreman belittles and berates him. Apparently, dentists are the crack-whores of the elf world. Hermey is told that if he doesn’t shape up, he’ll be fired. Oh, and he’s not allowed to go on his break.

Life Lesson Number Two: Santa’s workshop is a hostile work environment where labor laws are non-existent and/or ignored.

 

The next time we see Santa, he’s grumpily sitting through his Elves’ choir practice, listening to them sing, We Are Santa’s Elves.

Santa responds by making a face. “It needs work. I have to go,” he says, before storming off.

Life Lesson Number Three: Santa hates Christmas songs. And Elves. And, presumably, children.

 

A now adolescent Rudolph joins in the Reindeer Games, and impresses Coach Comet with his flying jumps. However, when his fake nose unexpectedly pops off, Comet and other young bucks jeer and mock him.

Santa, repulsed by Rudolphs’s glowing red nose, turns to Rudolph’s father, and says, “Donner, you should be ashamed of yourself. What a pity.”

Life Lesson Number Four: If you’re different from other children, Santa will hate you and encourage your parents to reject you. Because of shame.

 

Rudolph and Hermey, tired of being treated like shit, decide to run away together. They meet up with Yukon Cornelius, and he takes them to the Island of Misfit Toys.

Life Lesson Number Five: It’s better to be a homeless runaway, dodging an abominable snowman and hanging out with a predatory pimp who pretends to be a gold prospector, than to live in Santa’s North Pole.

 

When Rudolph finally returns to the North Pole, there’s a big storm. Santa considers cancelling Christmas – after all, why should he risk his neck delivering toys to the children he clearly hates – when he suddenly realizes that Rudolph’s red nose can light the journey. Santa hastily starts sucking up to Rudolph, and asks him to join the sleigh team.

Life Lesson Number Six: Santa’s a user. And possibly a sociopath with a narcissistic personality disorder.

So, there we have it — a Christmas classic that teaches kids that it’s bad to be different, and will cause both Santa and your parents to reject you . . . right up until they need you for something. Also, dentists are crack whores.

The Art of Procrastination, December 2

Good stuff from around the web.

Harvest Crackers + Blue Cheese Bacon Dip = All Kinds of Awesomeness

A Textual Analysis of Hunger Games, Harry Potter and Twilight.

I want to be named Lolly and live in this Mews House. Maybe we can arrange a Freaky Friday switcheroo?

A story of two rude people acting rude on an airplane.

I really, really want to make a rosemary topiary. But since I can’t even keep my house plants alive, I don’t have high hopes.

Thanksgiving Recipe Round-up

Streuseled Sweet Potato Casserole. I’ve made this every year since Cook’s Illustrated first published the recipe. It causes grown men and small children to weep with happiness. You’re welcome.

Cranberry sauce. This is so easy, and so necessary. Repeat after me: I promise I will never, ever again serve the canned stuff. It’s also excellent with the addition of candied ginger.

Harvest Crackers with Cranberries, Pecans & Rosemary. This will be my first time making these, but they look scrumptious. I plan on making extra for hostess gifts, because I’m all about spreading the merry.

Pumpkin Pie. Don’t screw with a classic. Homemade whipped cream is a must.