Kyle Michel Sullivan's Blog: https://www.myirishnovel.com/, page 90

Unsure what to do...

Okay, Ingram's not even responding to me, now, so I'm firing off a letter to the CEO, Shawn Morin, tomorrow, if I get no love at all. I want this mess explained and I won't stop until it is. My inner hard-head is running things, now, in defense of HTRASG, and it could get messy. They've already hinted if I get too demanding, they'll close my account.
Which leads me to a quandary. If they do, what do I do? Shift to Amazon? HTRASG and RIHC6, they will offer for sale, but not through KDP; already know that. And having been through two occasions where their puritanical nature has taken over and caused me all kinds of shit, I'm very leery of them.
So do I get printed copies and sell them through eBay? They're part of Amazon and just as picky. So do I set up my own shop? I'd rather not, because it could be expensive and I'm fairly certain I'd lose money on it. The vast majority of my sales are through Smashwords. Do I keep them all as available only in ebook? That seems to be the way this is going.
This has messed with me, big-time, focus-wise. And on top of it, a scammer apparently tricked one of the credit reporting agencies into giving them enough info about my credit cards to jolt me with a letter that looks like an official offer to cut the card debt in half. And they knew the exact amount of my cc debt.
Except...their name and address are not on the letter, nor is a signature; just an 800 number. And when I looked that up, it's to a company called Mini-C that has half a dozen offices spread about Chicago's suburbs. Probably people working out of their homes. Give us your cc number and we'll take care of everything.
No. Fucking. Way. I may be dumb but I ain't stupid. I don't think.
So yesterday and today were taken with Experian, Equifax and TransUnion as well as Ingram, and no writing done. I'm getting ticked off.

Ingram is being Amazon...

Okay...apparently after selling HTRASG for 8 years, somehow Ingram decided it's suddenly in violation of their catalogue rules and was removed -- in December 2021. What that violation is? No idea. Can't get a straight answer. 
The first rep said it was still being reviewed after submission, and there was a backlog. When I pointed out the book had already been accepted and distributed years ago, suddenly a different rep was saying it violated their terms and claimed I was sent a notice in December. Which I did not get; I keep all my Ingram emails. So I've asked them to resend it and maybe that will explain WTF is going on.
My gut says this is a situation like what happened with Amazon in 2010, when HTRASG was used by a reporter for Seattle's Fox affiliate as an example of pornography they were selling. Amazon freaked out and stopped carrying all my books, at that time. 
It took me 10 weeks to get Amazon to calm down, actually vet the book and see it does not fall under the aegis of pornography. At least, as set for by the Supreme Court. As laid out in Wikepedia -- 
(The) Court recognized the inherent risk in legislating what constitutes obscenity, and necessarily limited the scope of the criteria. The criteria (are): 
1. The average person, applying local community standards, looking at the work in its entirety, must find that it appeals to the prurient interest...2. The work must describe or depict, in an obviously offensive way, sexual conduct, or excretory functions...(and)...3. The work as a whole must lack "serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific values".
The third criterion pertains to judgment made by "reasonable persons" of the United States as a whole, while the first two pertain to that of members of the local community. Due to the larger scope of the third test, it is a more ambiguous criterion than the first two.
So all three apply, not just one or two. 
They finally agreed to offer all my paperbacks, again. But they wouldn't post HTRASG or RIHC6 in Kindle because of the word Rape in them. Ludicrous, but that they would not back down on...and sales never did recover.
So here we go, again. Some puritan dipshit probably complained and Ingram's gone all Amazon on me, regarding this one book. There's far more intense sexual content in my others, but none of them fall into the realm of porn. All have stories with meaning, characters who go through changes, relationships that matter and not one has a sex bit that is gratuitous. They're rough, but they all further the story.
Guess we'll see how it goes.

This is part of the research I'm doing for APoS -- follow...

This is part of the research I'm doing for APoS -- following Derry of the Past on Facebook and reading the comments. Filled with memories and arguments and information, lots of names linked into the thread...it's like sitting in a pub and just paying attention to the chatter...craic, as they call it...

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Here we have an old image from early in the troubles when Free Derry Corner was still an end terrace house. Thanks to Michael Johnston for sharing this image. 

Ciaran Andy Anderson I create these replicas of the Corner during this phase in its history, you can see more pics over at Mini Inish if you like. 
Robert James Williams I see the word "Traitor" written, but scrubbed out, over the top line. I wonder what that was about. 
Tony Hewitt Thanks first time seeing the house often visit the bog side and Derry love it 
Anna Wilson My best friend Kathleen Mc Kane and her family lived there , Mc Kane family great people 
Andy P McCarthy Anna Jonny McKane was my uncle married to my Aunt Bernadette! 
Charlotte Kivlehan Bonner Andy P McCarthy Sheila Sinead Catherine Anna Wilson my mum 
Kane Gooch Anna Wilson my mum's old house Anna Wilson You made my day Sinead, we were so chummy, I loved going into your granny and grandas home 
Sinead Catherine Anna Wilson she talked about you a lot! Would love to see old photos of you two if you have any!!!
Anna Wilson I live in Canada now, I haven’t been home since Covid, I am coming mid August till early September, my brother Eugene Quigley’s daughter wedding Gillian is 2nd September, Eugene said she sent 400 invites, I said it sounds more like a convention than a … See more 
Sinead Catherine Anna Wilson I’m in The states I live in Ohio. 
Anna Wilson I live in Glenburnie Ontario, it’s Rural, we country girl, how long have you been there, Sinead
Catherine Anna Wilson I’ve been here since 99 our Kane Gooch is still in Derry and daddy…and all the rest of the lanes 
Geraldine Doran Anna Wilson my daddy and mammy X 
Helen Davies Sad times. 
Somhairlín Gallchobhair Levi Taylor we were just talking about that yesterday lol 
Levi Taylor Somhairlín Gallchobhair some change now 
 Gerry Edelsten That’s the way I remember it, travelling from Donegal to Glasgow as a 10 year old, long time ago now 
 Paul Lennon Gerry Edelsten 60 years at least mate 
Gerry Edelsten Paul Lennon not quite ,don’t mock the elderly, you’ll be old yourself soon enough, ha ha
John Bradley I have a picture of my mother by this wall with Mary Hampson her cousin. While it was still a house. 
Sean Paul Toland Mini Inish have a brilliant casting (if that's what it's called) of this... Love it 
Noel Melarkey did the o Kane family not live In this house 
Caroline McGeady Lana Campbell Maureen Campbell Frances Campbell Patrice Callan Caroline that’s what they’ll look like when they’re finished x 
Hob Bope They missed out the london part 
Noel Melarkey was Tara Linville 
Sinead Catherine Jonny Roulston Joshua Connolly Leo Mclaughlin We’re wud I get a large print of it. Looks deadly 
Kevin Carlin Chris Mc Monagle, was this your parents old house? 
Chris Mc Monagle Kevin Carlin yeah 
Kev A Meinir Thomas I have the same photo in my house.

Why I write...

It's funny. I sometimes worry that I've gone too far in a book...but then I read someone else's stuff and think, shit, I'm still vanilla. Vanilla bean with a dash of dulce de leche, yes, but still...it's a lot for me for me to expose to the world some of my stories. But I keep doing it because writing is therapy, to me. As I've noted before. That's why I wrote my first book, How to Rape a Straight Guy.
If you haven't read the story, to simplify it...it's told by a man named Curt, who's married and an ex-con. While in prison for drugs, he learned how to force a man to ejaculate while being raped. Thought it was a great method of revenge. Even did it to a prison guard who harassed him. He gets out, can't find a decent job, is hustling a couple of gay men in a bar, and reveals his ability...and they make a bet. If he can force a straight cop who's been harassing them to cum while being raped, they'll give him a car and cash. He agrees. And after a false start, they kidnap and do it to one named Shayes...and things spin out of control.

I've gotten my best reviews on that book...and my worst, save 1. People are horrified that I tell the story from the viewpoint of a rapist, but if they make it to the end, they find themselves feeling sorry for Curt.

I wrote it because I was going through a really rough patch. At the time, my mother was living with me and doing better in the film business than I ever had. She was an extra in Music Videos and movies. I was working at a book store. No gay friends, just a couple of straight ones. No need to hide myself but no social life. Losing interest in dealing with movies in any way, which was the reason I'd moved to LA, ten years earlier.

One night, I happened onto a guy on Third Street who was drunk out of his mind and trying to get home. Kind of cute. Lived a couple blocks from me, so I helped him. Liked how he felt leaning on me. Got him into his duplex. He crashed on the bed...and I began to undress him. Got his shoes off. His shirt. His pants undone and down his hips...and froze. 
Memories of my obsessions with Dean Corll in Houston and John Wayne Gacy in Chicago and William Bonin in LA flooded back into me...and I had the feeling if I'd taken one more step, I wouldn't have stopped. Wouldn't have been able to stop. There was something in the back of my heart that howled for more...of what, I'm not sure...just more. I was about to go over the line so left, freaked out at everything exploding within me.
I wrote HTRASG from Curt's perspective so I could understand something about a rapist...which is what I almost became. As I wrote, I found I liked the control narrative writing gave me...and that's what I actually needed. I had wanted control of that that guy...which would not have ended pretty. But with my books, I am in control...even when I think I'm not. And what I wanted was that sense of control in some part of my life.

I've been in therapy, more than once. Never on mood enhancers, fortunately. Close to becoming an alcoholic. And it was writing that saved me. Steadied me. Did more for me in gaining some sense of emotional stability than years of chat with a doctor ever did.

I bitch and I moan and I fight myself as I write, and I complain about my characters being assholes to me...but throughout I know it's me controlling the process. No one else. And that's what counts, in the end...to me...
And that's what keeps me from becoming what I write...

Tension is not a happy travel companion

So I'm heading home from Boise and think I'll get to the airport early and fire up my laptop to do some adjusting on APoS. Had an early lunch at Panda Express, again (don't judge me), then turned in my car and went to check in my bag at Southwest...and turned out I'd been bumped till the next morning. My Boise flight was running too late for me to make my connection in Denver, so they just moved me to a 7am flight on Friday. And I get to pay for my own hotel room. Not one word from them prior to this.

Fortunately, I had worked up some alternatives for just this situation and remembered there was an American flight to Buffalo by way of O'Hare. So checked with them, got a seat and canceled the Southwest flight. Cost an extra $90 and I didn't have time to do anything except get to the plane and find my seat, but it would get me into Buffalo hours earlier than SW would.

Except...then we sat at the gate for half an hour past our departure time. Some problem with the reservation system. Which makes no sense. Still, I had my book to read...and while I was changing planes at O'Hare and only had an hour and 25 minutes between landing and that flight taking off, to start with, I could make it okay.

Except...when we landed at O'Hare, we sat on the tarmac for an additional 15 minutes waiting for a gate. At the end of one terminal. Then I had to be at a gate that was two terminals over and past the security area. No time to grab dinner or a drink or anything. I barely had time to pee, which I absolutely had to do. I made it 1 minute before they'd have locked me out, followed by three other people who were racing to make the connection, too. And American's attitude? Good thing you rushed; you'd have missed the flight.

This is not the first time I've had to hurry between connections, but it's gotten worse. That's part of the reason I don't like to travel, anymore. I'm not able to just enjoy it. It's always hurry-hurry-hurry, the schedules are crap, and the attendants are really apathetic.

Dunno what I can do about it, but I must say -- it does seem like we're regressing to this method of travel...

Ore wagons in Ketchum, Idaho

Bomb...

Looks like I won't be doing anything to continue Blood Angel for a while, because it is not selling. I guess gay vampires only work in TV or under the teasing banner of Anne Rice. Since launching it at the beginning of August, I've sold a whole 7 copies @ $.99 each. Granted, it's only been available for 18 days and is only in ebook format, but that's still pretty bleak. I need to sell 200 just to break even.

I will finish writing the full series, eventually. Once I start a writing project I hate like hell to give it up, even as I bitch and moan and weep and wail about it, nonstop. And BA's nudging at me to get started, again. But I shrug it off because I want to finalize a decent draft of APoS...and I feel like I'm closing in on it.

The job in Ketchum is done, and I didn't do my best with it. I just so disliked the area and being here and I'm in an odd place, emotionally, so some errors slipped in. They're mitigated a bit because even on the packing list I had, it states a number of people have handled and counted this stuff so the numbers aren't precise. But it's still kind of weird to have a Box 18 of photo slides that isn't on the list, and that there is no Box 19, at all, anywhere. On either the list or in the shipment.  And to not notice I wrote one carton number on two different boxes until they were being picked up? That's sloppy.

I'm in Boise, now, and catching a flight tomorrow. Everything went surprisingly smoothly...though if I hadn't allowed the extra time for pickup and packing that I did, I'm sure nothing would have worked right. On a positive note, I passed a library that was having a book sale so stopped and shopped and wound up with six dvds and 4 books for $7.50. Then right next to it is a Human Rights park that made me feel nice...

In Boise. Idaho. The reddest of red states. Amazing...

I'm all feely, right now...

To let me love you is all I need.
Dreams are made with you in my arms
And the world loses all truth...
Except for the moments
Where we exist together.
Simple beauty does not drag me
Deep into your whispering soul.
It is the knowing that you care
I am here.
Nothing more.
Nothing needed.
Except to let me love you.

Idaho is really boring...

It's hot. Everywhere you go looks like generic suburbia. The people drive like idiots, and I'm used to idiots driving like idiots but these folks make those idiots look un-idiotic. The only two good things, so far, are the speed limit is 80 outside the city and they have a Panda Express. I had Beijing Beef for lunch and felt human, despite my fortune cookie having no fortune.
I did NOT like getting up at 2:30am to get ready for the trip. I mitigated it by hitting the bed at 8:30 and sort of slept, off and on. But that did help...except on the plane as I was trying to read I kept dozing off. Didn't work so well for my neck. But at least the flights were all on time.
I then had a 150 mile drive to Ketchum. Check my FB page  to see how little interest that drive entailed. To my credit, I didn't start zoning until the last 30 miles. Mainly because I got another idea on how to deepen APoS, thanks to Brendan.
I wasn't going to have him visit his brother at The Maze prison, when he returns from Houston, because Brendan might get found out and arrested. But he learns a college student was recording his father telling some of his tales about Irish history and gets copies of them...and one hints at why the man was so disconnected from NI society. And it references his oldest son, Eamonn.
So Brendan arranges to meet with him, as Jeremy Landau, and Eamonn doesn't recognize him...at first. They talk. Eamonn listens to the tape and sort of answers...but then a guard becomes interested in hearing it because the tale being woven is elegant. This makes Brendan nervous and his little cough pops up, verifying to Eamonn who he is. And Eamonn says, "Sometimes it's best not to know too much about a man."
This needs to be set up or foreshadowed in Book One, which is why I'm getting so detailed with it. 

Worried...

Okay...I've figured out part of my problem, right now, is I'm really nervous about a job I'm scheduled for in Ketchum, ID. Considering the issues the airlines seem to be having with making flights that actually go someplace, I can see a hundred issues falling apart and preventing me from making the trip. And it's got me pretty tense.

First off, I'm booked on a 5:30am flight to Denver, Tuesday morning, then up to Boise, then drive 3 hours. Not my favorite plan. I'm also going to be in an area of the country that is very anti-masking and I will be wearing a mask. Then comes packing archives into boxes in one day at a speed I don't normally do in time to be picked up on Thursday, then back to Boise...and finally getting home at 1:20 am Saturday morning. The whole thing makes me hurt.

I'm changing planes in Denver, right now, and if either of my flights are delayed or canceled, I still have to pay for that night's hotel room. I might lose the car I've reserved, and it will not please a very important client. It's made me very uptight. I hate the thought of not fulfilling an obligation or having to deal with an airline that's going to be a pain in the ass...or people that are. The one good thing is, I'd be traveling alone so don't have to worry about anybody but me.

What finally helped me calm down enough to get rid of a tension headache was working out how to get there through Salt Lake City. That would mean driving 5 hours but could be done. I also found another airline that goes into Sun Valley, which is next to Ketchum. It's more expensive, but it cuts out a 3 hour drive so I could arrive late in the evening.

None of this is perfect. And I'm still too uptight to focus on anything creative...so I watched Murder on the Orient Express (1974), again...and I'm almost back to human. Not one thought towards APoS, however. I'm still too tense.

I'm getting to where I hate to travel...though if I could do the train to there, I'd probably be a lot happier. I love taking the train to NYC.

Foggy day...

Brain-wise. Bright and sunny, outside, but my whole persona was meandering and unfocused. Slept till 11. Didn't dress. Made an omelet that was on the dry side so slathered it with salsa and that sort of helped, but it was DPZ on ice that made it edible. Puttered around. Watched way too many short videos on Facebook. Tried to get myself to work on APoS and failed, miserably. Even cooked up some cornbread, which usually makes me feel good...then didn't eat any.

This wasn't my usual Something's wrong in the story and I need to figure out what sort of situation. It's not me being afraid of writing Brendan honestly. Or getting the locale just right. With those episodes, I was also antsy and irritable. This time? I'm just adrift.

It wasn't till I saw this image that I realized I was feeling deep and lonely. Which is very usual for me. But something about it made me feel easier. Less isolated. Yes, he's got a nice body and all that...but for a moment I felt like I could tell him the story of my life and he'd understand. Like he shared my feelings, thanks to the near-pained expression in his eyes, the gentle tightness on his face. Would not cast judgement. A ridiculous thing to think about an image of a man you've never met, nor ever will, but there it was.

I've been a loner all my life. When I travel, I prefer to do it by myself. I've long preferred to live on my own, and the occasions where I had to share a space hurt me, psychically. Being all but hidden up in Buffalo was actually nice, due to that.

But today I just...I dunno...I just wanted someone I could lean against. A shoulder I could lay my head on and let the world float away. And I don't have that. Never have. This photo had to suffice...and it did well enough for me to regain my bearings.

I think I'm doing a sketch, tomorrow.