Kyle Michel Sullivan's Blog: https://www.myirishnovel.com/, page 18

Still in a bad place...

Jesus, they say time heals all wounds, but it's been nearly 40 years since fucking Doug...whom I never did get to fuck. But he made damn sure it worked the other way around. Times ten. Nearly 40 years...and memory of him came screaming out of nowhere.

He was the asshole who finally showed me I was unworthy of love or...or anything. I was just there to be used. And I've internalized that so much, it's part of my DNA. My only outlet is the books I write.

I've been celibate since June 1984...for a lot of reasons...but seeing what was happening to friends and guys I knew...in Austin and San Antonio and Houston...that sealed it. As did still being scarred by Doug's bullshit.

Good thing is, I'm at home. No explanations needed. No justifications or anything. I can mope as much as I want. Growl. Remember...

I'm trying to cleanse myself by focusing on costing out a potential job, making a pot roast to feast upon, and watching an old movie.

Diva. 1982. I saw it at an advanced screening in Austin, when I was at UT. Exquisite. Wilhelminia Wiggins Fernandez couldn't act worth a damn, on film, but oh God how she could sing...and the visuals...

Maybe I'll rewatch Gone With the Wind, tomorrow. Best movie ever made in Hollywood, bar none. That's taken me back to my comfort zone, in the past. I know it has issues, but what film doesn't?

FWIW, the pot roast turned out good...and did help, some...

Schizo-Kyle...

Crashed into one of my black moods...and stumbling onto these boys dancing to this song brought it on. Especially those fucking lyrics.

They look like a guy I was involved with in the 70s. Called himself Demian but his real name was Doug. And he was an asshole. Took money from me. Ran my credit cards up. Then shrugged me off. I had a decent job but I was in my early 20s and barely out of the closet, so it left me messed up, emotionally and financially.

However...for about 2 months I was so deeply in love I thought I'd die. Instead, he did. AIDs. And I fucking mourned him, like a masochistic idiot.

I get the impression these lads are much nicer...but you never know. Not really.

Son-of-a-bitch...I think I need to start drinking...

Re-focusing, sort of...

Okay...I'm self-indulgent. I whimpered and whined through yesterday, then today felt better. Did 5 loads of laundry and made spaghetti with meat sauce and figured out half the reason for my headache, yesterday, was how I'm cutting back on how much I eat. My body didn't like it.

I've always had a tendency to get headaches if I'm not eating enough, and I got a pointed reminder. So...light breakfast, spaghetti for lunch, Triskets with cream cheese and Pickapeppa for an afternoon snack, then Amy's enchiladas for dinner, and a small bowl of oatmeal for evening snack...and I'm verging on another headache. I just need to get more active to counter this caloric intake.

I'm going out, tomorrow, to mail the last copies of APoS and grab some groceries, then I'll come home and make a pot roast. Slow cooked in a crock pot. There's a special I'm taking advantage of at Tops, a local grocery store. They're very 1970's in decor and offerings, but they're also convenient.

I managed to work up another chapter of BDO and have no idea where I am in the story, anymore. I'm just along for the ride. Dirc has escaped the Feds, again, and now has four hostages, three of them soldiers, to use for negotiations. I didn't see that coming. The boy's got street smarts...

He's saved Lon from Helga's clutches, reconnected with Irin, and decided he needs to get some clarification from the Beast as to what is and is not happening, from this point. God only knows how many times I've contradicted myself in this story, but it's rolling along and when it's happening on the page I don't want to stop it.

However, it did take me a while to get into this chapter. What I initially wrote was boring. Now it's not...I hope. You never really know. But Dirc came up with a stunt at the beginning, during his escape, that actually got me out of bed to write. I just hope it makes sense....it may be too visual to really work...

Doesn't matter; Lon's now part of the pack and they've realized two of their hostages are a gay couple, so they don't want to hurt them. It'll work out.

Getting done sucks...

This was not one of my better days. Slept till almost noon and felt nice...for about an hour. Since then I've been slipping into a sadness I cannot seem to shake, and that's led to a near headache that is only now beginning to drift away.

Part of this is probably due to the evil being perpetrated by DOGE and Felon47 in Washington, about which I can do little. At least the Civil Service unions are fighting back, now, and people are furious. I was afraid we'd be sleepwalking into a dictatorship, like they did in Germany in 1933. 

Took Hitler 6 weeks to consolidate complete control of the government and start going after people he knew the Germans hated. Communists. Socialists. Unions. Gays. Gypsies. And then the Jews.

This is the reason I filed bankruptcy. I don't want debt hanging over me if I wind up being denied Social Security, which is not out of the realm of possibility. I've been very vocal on Xitter, Instagram, Tumblr and Facebook about how much I despise Muskrat and Felon47. Hell, I won't even type or say that bastard's name. And they are vindictive scum.

But today...mixed in is also a certain aimlessness. An uncertainty about what to do, next. I could bounce away from working on APoS while I was writing it because I always came back to it. But now? Nothing to come back to.

Do I try and find ways to publicize the book? Get it into libraries? See if book stores will carry it on consignment? It's not exactly a best-seller. Which is understandable. The books are $32.50 each, and I'm not a known author. I can't price them for less because then I'd lose money on them, after printing, distribution costs, and Amazon and B&N's cut just for offering it in their catalogues.

Part of me is glad it's available, and the ebook is only $2.99 so I could emphasize that. I just wish I had the ability to figure out how to sell it so people would want to read Brendan's story...

Almost back to my form of normal...

Got my hardback copies of APoS-HNH and sent them out to people who'd asked for a signed one. Also sent one to the Library of Congress to fulfill the LCCN requirements. I've got one left to go to the UK but I don't have a box for it, yet. I'll see what I can do about that.

But...and this is a big one...this marks the real, honest, official end of writing and publishing A Place of Safety. The most definite ending. I don't consider working up a paperback edition of the books as a continuation of the process. That's more graphics work and layout rearranging.

I do think I'd like to get feedback from people on typos so I can correct them for the paperback. And I may check around to see if there's someone similar to Ingram Spark who'll do them as a box set with a slipcase, since those guys won't. That would be perfect.

So I dropped off my expenses and invoices to the office, and nothing is on the schedule till me overseeing an archive repack and pickup in the UK. I won't be going, just working with a man who's helped me on other jobs, there. Like the humor library in Reading going to a university in Italy. And packing glass photographic plates to ship to the US from Swindon.

I'm trying to remember when it was I went to Stonehenge and stopped off at Old Sarum, just outside Salisbury. Used that to help me with finalizing David Martin, the fable I wrote that's too old for kids but too young for adults. Another book I poured a lot of money into and went nowhere.

I'd like to go back, but so much has changed, since then. The whole feeling of the world is looser and angrier and more difficult. Next time I go to the UK, I'll need a visa. Same for Ireland, since it's part of the EU. That is, unless I go before the end of June, when the new deal is supposed to take effect. But don't see that happening.

It saddens me, all of the bullshit being slung about. Change for no good reason except some assholes feel the need to prove they've got control...and are only showing how fucking incompetent they are.

Listen to your gut...

I’m back from my jobs in LA and Chicago, and I am exhausted. LA was lovely but a lot of work, while Chicago was fucking COLD. -14 one night, and I was dumb enough to go out in that to get milk at that grocery store. I was locked in my Gotta have some hot tea mode. I was nearly frozen by the time I got there. I spent an hour warming up enough to make the 2 block walk back.

And did not do it, again.

I also did not rent a car in Chicago. I'd planned to and priced for it, but I was in an I don't want the stress mood so canceled it and did a taxi to the hotel and Uber back and forth to the site. Which wound up being more than $100 cheaper, overall, once you factor in parking, gas and possible tolls. And no stress from trying to make sure I follow Google Map's less than perfect directions.

What’s interesting is, while the boxes were being collected by a crating company, yesterday morning, I got a message my JetBlue flight from Chicago O’Hare Airport to New York City’s JFK, that evening, was delayed by half an hour. Meaning I'd have only 10 minutes to get off the plane and to my connecting flight, to Buffalo.

I was in no mood for that, so I checked with Southwest Airlines, found they actually DO have a direct flight from Midway Airport to Buffalo; they just weren't offering it with the trip I'd planned. Bastards.

Well...I had enough points to get it for nothing. Meaning I canceled the JetBlue and took the Southwest. Got in 3 hours earlier than I would have on the original connecting flight, and have the full air fare in my travel funds for future use.

But the best part? That flight's "half-hour delay" wound up extending to overnight. If I’d stuck with the JetBlue, I’d have been stranded at O’Hare until the next morning. Already beaten to hell by the two jobs.

I’m glad I was in my fuck-it mood.

Maybe I'm not so bad a cook...

Job is done. Not feeling like socializing so did take-out for steak and mushroom sauce, pan seared Brussel Sprouts, and fries. Steak was tough but edible...with ketchup, which I have packets of. Dunno what the Brussel Sprouts were supposed to taste like, but were just greasy and bland. And the fries I'd swear were courtesy Ore-Ida. I've made this level of meal, myself, and it didn't cost me $25 (including tip).

Oh, well, I got all 240 books into 30 cartons, some of them oversized and HEAVY. But when one copy of a book weighs 30 lbs by itself, that's gonna happen. The client was very pleasant and accommodating, so my only whine is how tired I am. Dunno how much longer I can keep this up, but I'd like to rebuild by savings before I give into being too old.

Everything's being collected, tomorrow, then it's homeward bound. I'm paying $50 to check a bag on JetBlue. Too bad Southwest's schedule from Midway is so limited and still requires me to go through Baltimore. There used to be a nonstop from Buffalo, but that was back when the Canadians were coming across the border to fly around the US, and Chicago was a hub.

Now Canadians want nothing to do with us, and I don't blame them. Felon47 is doing all he can to isolate and destroy the US, like a controlling, abusive spouse. All I can do is support the Democrats who are pushing back, and howl at the MAGAts.

Don't do much good. Maybe I should start a religion based solely on the Gospels and use that to fight back against the beasts using Christ to excuse their evil. I am close to seeing Felon47 as the anti-Christ. Revelation 13:3 even seems to reference that ludicrous attempted assassination...
One of its heads seemed to have a mortal wound, but its mortal wound was healed, and the whole earth marveled as they followed the beast.

Like the ear that was clipped by a bullet...but is undamaged. And the red MAGAt caps being the mark of the Beast on their heads...

It's getting spooky.

Freedom brought by freedom...

Something is going on inside my brain, and it has to do with how I'm letting Dirc be the monster he is by proving he's not a monster but just a man. An extreme version of one, true, but more honest about what he wants, needs, and will do to get. I'm having no problem with any of it, all empathy in me be damned.

The next chapter in his story is him building his pack. Gathering others to be with him in his quest for wealth and comfort...and those others are all men. Dirc started off straight, but when he came back from the dead realized he was really gay and unwilling to be pissed upon. Which he is proving with a vengeance.

Irin was already gay but now is more-so and enjoying the fuck out of it. He can still get a bit overwhelmed by it all, but he's been to death and back so can't be all that intimidated. And these two fags being a pair makes them quite formidable.

Dirc's learned he can change the DNA of straight men he rapes. That may be why the Beast likes the men he submits to be eaten by the aliens flying by. Sort of like a Mel's Diner for ETs, with Dirc the master chef.

It's a pretty amoral concept to be happening...but if we ever do make first contact with the space crowd, I seriously doubt they'll see us as equals. Especially considering the MAGAt crowd's actions and Russian terrorism. 74 years ago, Klaatu said it well...Be nice or face obliteration.

Dirc's just setting the stage for the next level. Men on the same level as turkeys. White meat, or dark?

Quiet is good...

I got another chapter of BDO uploaded and think I may be closing in on the ending. It helps to have a nice hotel room with a small kitchen. They call it a suite but it's really a glorified single apartment. Which is good, because I've got a small stove, small refrigerator with a freezer, and microwave.

So after making a run to a nearby grocery store in sub-freezing weather to get lunches for the next two days and dinner for tonight, as well as water and DPZ, I hunkered down and started rewriting what I'd done yesterday. Three passes and it's gone.

I'm not worrying about precision or beautiful use of English or anything. Just let the story run till it's out of breath...something it's finally beginning to do. I think.

Dirc is a completely amoral beast, but I'm enjoying writing him. He kills two people in this chapter, one cold-bloodedly, but is also offering Lon some protection. He's the guy in the pawn shop who Helga got to verify Dirc and Irin were driving around Reno. He was quasi-arrested and has undergone experimentation to see if he's like Dirc, which he isn't. But he is damaged, now.

Dirc's like a wolf in the wild, with Irin as his mate, and he's building his pack. When they're done, they will be formidable. Barnes...AKA: Dr. Captain...recognizes the danger they pose and is hunting them down to remove them from civilization...by doing some very uncivilized things, himself. It's hard to tell who're the good guys and who're the bad ones, now, both sides are so vicious and vile.

Rather like life, these days.

I'm just along for the ride...

After a while, you just have to accept that you're nothing but the stenographer of your character's story. You input what they want into your laptop as they lead you through it, and then go back to make clarifications and revisions and work on inconsistencies. Something my characters like to forget about.

Me worrying about Dirc's situation was pointless. He's in control, and  already knew his way out. It had been referenced several times in the story. He's also a sneak and does things quietly while leading his oppressors down the garden path. Then he springs it on them.

On top of that, when he says he's going to do something, he does it. He once swore to break Helga's neck...and has done so. And very quietly, too, so no one knows.

Of course, that's not an absolute. I'm not crazy about how he gets to Petrie, one of the guards. It's too pat and easy, and I don't think the man would be there alone or harassing Lon. I'm a bit disappointed in Dirc for fronting that as a part of the story. He's better at what he does, than something so cheesy and bad TV-ish. So we need to discuss this further, dude.

I'm currently in Chicago in a nice-enough neighborhood on the north side of town. I took a cab from Midway here for $60, including tip. So much nicer than renting a car...and cheaper. Parking at this hotel is $40 a night. For 4 nights? Plus the cost of rental and gas? Even doing Uber every day it's $100 less, total.

I may try and do that from now on, whenever I can, since Avis is not exactly user friendly.