S.G. Croup's Blog, page 99
February 29, 2016
February 28, 2016
nsfwkris:
Finally done! Sort of..! I didn’t really want to...
Finally done! Sort of..! I didn’t really want to spend any more time on details because painting is hard… ..hah… ha…
You deserve better than this, Benny………..
Uhhh…. Would you believe me if I said I paused here...
Uhhh…. Would you believe me if I said I paused here completely by accident…?
February 27, 2016
If you are somewhat uncomfortable about your sexuality, how did you manage to go to that gay bar and even grind on dudes while also wearing just a harness and a jockstrap?? How did you manage to launch yourself out at the world like that? That would terrif
Short answer: I got drunk.
Longer answer: It’d been building up for the longest time. All my life I’d played it safe. I didn’t drink, I didn’t party. I’d been so scared to put myself out there because I saw so many qualities in myself that were only negative. I didn’t think anyone would want to be with me, so why bother? But, y’know. Living like that hasn’t done much for me. I’ve stagnated. I’ve wasted time. And I still am, even now. Change is hard, and it’s scary, and I can only do a little bit of it at once.
The bar wasn’t my scene. It was loud. We had to yell to be heard. I barely knew the people I was with–a guy I’d met on Scruff, and one of his partners. And everyone else I saw was only a parade of stereotypes. What the hell was I doing there? I was clearly not going to have any fun and it was all a big mistake.
But at least it was a new mistake.
That’s the thought that stuck. Even if I was being stupid, at least it was a different sort of stupid than I’d tried before. At least I could explore myself the tiniest of bits. And, looking at where I was in life–friendless in a strange city, so far from home, a castaway with no direction… I honestly felt like I had nothing to lose. Maybe that’s dumb. I don’t know. I can see easily a horror story occurring under such circumstances. But, I’d asked the two guys I was with to watch out for me that night, and when they offered me some beer I made the conscious decision to trust them, to take it, and to let go just a little bit.
And it worked out. I had a fucking awesome time, and I’ll probably go again next month. Would I recommend it for everyone? No, of course not. But sometimes when you’re at the end of your rope, you just have to let go of it and hope the drop isn’t too far. Do something new. Branch out. Trust. Even when you know better.
What a very foolish notion.
