Debmita Dutta's Blog, page 92
July 14, 2020
If you are feeling DISCONNECTED And don’t have TIME
I love it that every event that I am invited for – is filled with amazing moments of connection like this one.When parents complain about not having enough time to connect with their children – all I want to tell them is that connecting with a child does not take all day.
Just catch your child’s eye and smile whenever you have the chance.
A mischievous smile – a loving smile – a reassuring smile – a ‘no don’t do that smile’.
We often connect with our children with frowns and glares.
Just replace those with twinkling eyes and a fun smile and fill your life with memorable moments.
July 13, 2020
Children need to play
Whenever I have the opportunity to interact with children from orphanages - I always organise games for them.Because I believe - that more than anything else – children need the opportunity to play.
And when I play with these children - it breaks my heart to see how well behaved these tiny little creatures are.
If you ask them to shout they look around in fear.
If you ask them to jump they give a small little jump – they never leap with all their might.
They know that their survival depends on constantly behaving well because they don’t have parents who love them unconditionally.
Our children are boisterous and naughty at home because they can be – because they have our unconditional love.
Let’s take a moment to be grateful for that
Not everyone has what we have.
More than anything else.... Children need to play.
If your child cannot go out to play.... You need to become playful and childlike and play with them.
July 12, 2020
Be Kind, reduce the world's breastfeeding stress
A lady calls me to ask about my prenatal classes – the breastfeeding classes in particular“What stage of your pregnancy are you in?” I ask
I am not pregnant yet – but I want to attend the class before I get pregnant because this time I want to get it right.
I didn’t get you – I say
I just lost my newborn baby – she says bursting into tears. And everyone says it is because I did not breastfeed him right.
I am horrified. I am not sure who would be cruel enough to say such a thing – but apparently the world is full of such people.
I speak to her for the next hour – trying to reassure her and then I ask her to call and consult with a psychiatrist friend for further help.
I am all for breastfeeding. Yes breast milk is the best. Yes breastfeeding is the best. And believe me most mothers know that now and try their best.
But for whatever reason if they can’t breastfeed – let’s not be so unkind to them.
As the Breastfeeding week comes to an end – lets’ pledge to help new mothers to breastfeed – let us understand that breastfeeding requires time and patience – let us be kind and forgiving with them and cut them some slack. And let us definitely not judge them if for some reason they can’t breastfeed.
Let us be kind. Let us be empathetic. And the world will automatically be a place where more mothers can successfully breastfeed for longer.
July 11, 2020
When talking to teens, remember 'less is more'
At a consultation the other day – a very hassled mom said she was tired of telling her son to study.
She complained that her son was only interested in getting dressed up in fancy clothes and going out with his friends.
Despite his plunging marks – he was not putting in the effort required to score better marks.
She had read somewhere that children – especially teenagers – needed to be told in so many words – what the consequences of their actions would be – and she had done so.
But that had not helped.
If anything, she thought that the more she told her son about the consequences of his actions – the more he stayed away from home.
Here is what I explained to her – “Your son does not need to hear from you what the consequences of his actions will be. He already knows that. And to distract himself he is focusing on getting dressed and hanging out with friends”
The problem here is that he has no idea how to study what he needs to study.
He has probably studied and not scored well once or twice – and is now convinced that he is ‘dumb’ and that is why is afraid of studying. Because it reinforces his belief in the fact that he is ‘dumb’.
You need to help him with studying. Yes – there is no other way.
No. Tuitions will not help.
He has to see that he is worth your time and effort.
July 10, 2020
Praise can be addicting! Here is why
Have you heard that children must be praised to build their self-esteem?Most parents I meet at parent orientations seem to have heard that.
They also seem to know that they shouldn’t praise the child – they should praise the effort the child has put in.
So, they know they shouldn’t call their child “talented”. Instead they should say – “I like how patiently you have been colouring that fish.”
But they don’t seem to know when they should stop praising the child.
Because they are praised so much - a lot of children nowadays need to be praised all the time.
If they are not praised, they will start asking for praise.
“Mamma – how is this?”
“Mamma – Is this colour nice?”
This is because they are used to working on external motivation and validation – instead of internal motivation.
These children often find it difficult to settle into preschool because there they have to patiently wait and share the teacher’s attention with another 10 children – which they are not used to.
If you are preparing your child for preschool – an important element of that preparation is teaching your child how to work alone for short periods of time. And teaching your child to do things for the joy of doing them – to feel capable and self-sufficient – instead of always working for praise.
July 9, 2020
How involved should you be in your child’s studies...
The other day a very perplexed parent asked me -“How involved should I be in my child’s studies?There appear to be no straightforward answers. Too involved is bad and so is uninvolved. How do I know where the line lies?”Here is what I suggest –
1. Know what your child is studying so that you can have conversations about it.
2. Be involved enough to ask – “Do you need help with this?” every day.
3. Be engaged enough to chalk out a plan for learning and revising.
4. Be available to change the plan if required.
Children typically overestimate their ability and underestimate the syllabus. Be involved to the extent that you can help your child overcome that hurdle.
July 8, 2020
Children stop studying out of panic, not laziness
Many many many times …..parents come and tell me – my child is very intelligent – he just gets poor marks because he is lazy.He just doesn’t study.
He keeps watching TV.
He keeps playing on the mobile.
So – I want to say it here.
No child is ever lazy.
Laziness is a sign of fear of failure.
It is a bad sign – because those who are afraid of failure will never succeed.
If you have a lazy child – reach out for expert help to understand why your child is lazy and work to change that.
July 7, 2020
You Cannot Motivate if You're Trying to Manipulate
"We praise him so much. We keep looking for things that we can praise.
But the praise has no effect on him.
It doesn't improve his performance.
He still does things when he feels like it.
It does not motivate him to do anything more."
Perplexed parents of a teenager - tell me at a consultation.
I smile.
"Children sense INTENTION" I tell them.
PRAISING to MANIPULATE will never work.
Praise from your heart. Praise to appreciate.
Never use praise as a BRIBE.
Motivating a teenager is complicated.
Every teenager is different.
And every teenager needs a different approach.
Consult if you are struggling to motivate your teenager.
June 15, 2020
What To Do If Your Child Does Not Eat
If your child eats just 4 or 5 bites and then says “I am full” and “I don’t want any more”Then start using nuts and seeds in your regular dishes.
Nuts and seeds are concentrated sources of carbohydrates, protein, good fats, vitamins and minerals.
I have been using Aliv powder in the dough I use to make rotis at home for a while now.
Aliv seeds are a great source of iron and folic acid in addition to being a concentrated source of all other nutrients.
And since it is part of the roti dough no one notices that it is there and it gets consumed without anyone turning their nose up and saying “what is this?” and “I don’t like this”
Try it
June 11, 2020
How To Spend Meal Times Together
A student who is doing a project reaches out to me to validate some of the research she has done.She says that in her research – parents have told her that when they come home tired at the end of the day – they want to eat their meals while chilling in front of the TV. They don’t want to be burdened with having to feed their children. So they ask their nanny to feed the child before they come home.
They almost never eat with their children.
Do you think this is OK?
I don’t.
Food is much more than something you put into your child to ensure that she/he is healthy and keeps growing.
Food is the real connector in human relationships.
When you feel close enough to someone – you have coffee with them – then when you want to spend more time with them you go for lunch or for dinner.
If you never eat with your child – how will you ever have a relationship with her/him?
Of course, your child will throw tantrums then. Because they will need to yell and scream to get your attention to build that connection.
#parenting #DrDebmitaDutta #WhatParentsAsk
