Gina Harris's Blog, page 91
October 1, 2018
Non-rapey reasons against confirming Kavanaugh
While I do have feelings about the assault allegations against Kavanaugh, there are plenty of other reasons to not appoint him to the Supreme Court. I want to quickly go over those first, because they make it clear that he is not a great selection. That makes a lot of the indignation on Kavanaugh's behalf even more stupefying. Let's go over that aspect before we get into the rest.
1. Kavanaugh's a liar.
Yes, he did lie during this interview, even about very minor things like watching Dr. Ford's testimony.
That raises a separate point of interest in that it kind of paints him as a habitual liar, doing so instinctively even in the absence of a clear benefit. However, I am more concerned with false answers given to the Senate Judiciary Committee in previous years as he was considered for other appointments.
https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2018/09/brett-kavanaugh-lies-senate-testimony-supreme-court.html
The motivation for those lies was pretty clear - personal advancement - so that raises ethical questions. Beyond that, the lies were covering dishonest behavior that was politically-motivated and related to lower-court nominees. Granted, for the Republicans partisan dishonesty is probably part of what makes Kavanaugh most attractive, but still it should be possible and desirable to find someone cleaner.
2. Mysterious debt
One thing about a known liar - whether habitual or just sometimes when they are in a crunch - is that you can't trust other statements, even relatively probable ones.
That $200,000 debt having been accrued through season ticket purchases for friends and suddenly paid back right before confirmation hearings is not a probable story.
https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2018/07/new-strike-against-kavanaugh-season-tickets/565022/
The origin seems more likely to be gambling; the resolution seems more likely to be favors. Those are assumptions, but as conditions that could indicate Kavanaugh is compromised and has a weakness that could be easily exploited for further compromising, that makes him look like a terrible candidate.
Even if you can't find someone above reproach, you can find someone less obviously below reproach. You can also often clear up bad appearances through investigation. This is not being delved into enough.
3. Temperament
We probably would not have seen so much of Kavanaugh's lack of fit temperament without sexual assault allegations against him. Having seen it, it should not be ignored. It's not just that he avoided answering direct questions, had difficulty controlling his anger, and only really seemed comfortable talking when praising himself and his achievements (there were a few more lies in there, by the way), but also his inability to be deferential even to US senators.
I have seen some people justify his rudeness to Sen. Feinstein by calling her a liar; sure I can say, "No, that's him", but it goes beyond that. Senator Klobuchar expressed empathy as she asked about his drinking; he still avoided the question and threw it back at her. That was completely unprofessional.
His lack of respect was most evident with women, but even with his interaction with Patrick Leahy - interrupting, argumentative, evasive - isn't the Supreme Court supposed to have some dignity?
Yes, I realize Senator Leahy is a Democrat, but still, they are at least supposed to pretend to be non-partisan.
I know the conservative argument is that Democrats are just being obstructionist. I promise you it was not because everyone liked Neil Gorsuch so much that there were no comparable allegations about him.
I don't know who else was on the short list for this seat. They could have all been terrible, but that is more of a problem with the list. Regardless, the first allegations (I think we are at five complainants now) came while he was still on the short list, making an already terrible candidate look much worse.
It kind of makes you wonder why him, and why the rush.
Or maybe you already know, but I am still going to write about it tomorrow.
1. Kavanaugh's a liar.
Yes, he did lie during this interview, even about very minor things like watching Dr. Ford's testimony.
That raises a separate point of interest in that it kind of paints him as a habitual liar, doing so instinctively even in the absence of a clear benefit. However, I am more concerned with false answers given to the Senate Judiciary Committee in previous years as he was considered for other appointments.
https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2018/09/brett-kavanaugh-lies-senate-testimony-supreme-court.html
The motivation for those lies was pretty clear - personal advancement - so that raises ethical questions. Beyond that, the lies were covering dishonest behavior that was politically-motivated and related to lower-court nominees. Granted, for the Republicans partisan dishonesty is probably part of what makes Kavanaugh most attractive, but still it should be possible and desirable to find someone cleaner.
2. Mysterious debt
One thing about a known liar - whether habitual or just sometimes when they are in a crunch - is that you can't trust other statements, even relatively probable ones.
That $200,000 debt having been accrued through season ticket purchases for friends and suddenly paid back right before confirmation hearings is not a probable story.
https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2018/07/new-strike-against-kavanaugh-season-tickets/565022/
The origin seems more likely to be gambling; the resolution seems more likely to be favors. Those are assumptions, but as conditions that could indicate Kavanaugh is compromised and has a weakness that could be easily exploited for further compromising, that makes him look like a terrible candidate.
Even if you can't find someone above reproach, you can find someone less obviously below reproach. You can also often clear up bad appearances through investigation. This is not being delved into enough.
3. Temperament
We probably would not have seen so much of Kavanaugh's lack of fit temperament without sexual assault allegations against him. Having seen it, it should not be ignored. It's not just that he avoided answering direct questions, had difficulty controlling his anger, and only really seemed comfortable talking when praising himself and his achievements (there were a few more lies in there, by the way), but also his inability to be deferential even to US senators.
I have seen some people justify his rudeness to Sen. Feinstein by calling her a liar; sure I can say, "No, that's him", but it goes beyond that. Senator Klobuchar expressed empathy as she asked about his drinking; he still avoided the question and threw it back at her. That was completely unprofessional.
His lack of respect was most evident with women, but even with his interaction with Patrick Leahy - interrupting, argumentative, evasive - isn't the Supreme Court supposed to have some dignity?
Yes, I realize Senator Leahy is a Democrat, but still, they are at least supposed to pretend to be non-partisan.
I know the conservative argument is that Democrats are just being obstructionist. I promise you it was not because everyone liked Neil Gorsuch so much that there were no comparable allegations about him.
I don't know who else was on the short list for this seat. They could have all been terrible, but that is more of a problem with the list. Regardless, the first allegations (I think we are at five complainants now) came while he was still on the short list, making an already terrible candidate look much worse.
It kind of makes you wonder why him, and why the rush.
Or maybe you already know, but I am still going to write about it tomorrow.
September 28, 2018
Concert Review: Johnny Marr
Johnny Marr put on a great show. I saw him Saturday night at the Roseland.
To be fair, that was expected. He is a fantastic guitarist and has been a huge influence on rock. It is generally pretty cool to see legends play. I wasn't expecting how fun it would be.
Full disclosure: not only was this my first time seeing him live, but I have not kept track of his many projects following The Smiths. Press photos often have him looking a little dour, which kind of goes along with my previous level of familiarity.
I didn't know that he smiled and told jokes. I was not surprised that he played a lot (I think about two hours) and well. It was wonderful to see how much he was enjoying himself, and to hear the energy from the band and the crowd, and to always be glad for another song, no matter which song it was.
Marr played some Smiths songs and that highlighted the difference for me. While there is a definite emotional truth in feeling that you are wasting time on people who don't care about you, or that you don't belong, there is only ridiculous vanity in thinking that you know how Joan of Arc felt or that anything you are being asked for would make Caligula blush. Marr's singing is fine on its own, then even better because you can believe that he gets the joke.
(I am tempted to say he is more down to earth, but there are themes on Call the Comet that deal with the future and the universe and it can feel kind of metaphysical; it just doesn't feel pompous and twee.)
So it is not just that Johnny Marr is a great guitarist and a good singer, but also he is utterly delightful.
In post-concert listening I have really enjoyed Call the Comet. Favorite songs include "The Tracers", "Hi Hello", and "Spiral Cities", but I also want to mention "New Town Velocity" from 2013's The Messenger and "Easy Money" from 2014's Playland. I can also see that I really need to check out Electronic.
Let me also call out the coolness of the band. Yes, they are under his name - which probably draws more attention - but it feels like there is a good harmony of relationship and unity of play there. That included Doviak who played keyboards and guitar.
There was also the distressingly familiar (I can't figure out whom he reminds me of) Iwan Gronow on bass and Jack Mitchell on drums. They were all wonderful and I am really glad I was there.
The Call the Comet tour continues through December, but the last US date is October 22nd in Philadelphia. Go if you can.
https://johnnymarr.com/
https://www.facebook.com/officialjohnnymarr
https://www.youtube.com/user/officialjohnnymarr
https://twitter.com/Johnny_Marr
To be fair, that was expected. He is a fantastic guitarist and has been a huge influence on rock. It is generally pretty cool to see legends play. I wasn't expecting how fun it would be. 
Full disclosure: not only was this my first time seeing him live, but I have not kept track of his many projects following The Smiths. Press photos often have him looking a little dour, which kind of goes along with my previous level of familiarity.
I didn't know that he smiled and told jokes. I was not surprised that he played a lot (I think about two hours) and well. It was wonderful to see how much he was enjoying himself, and to hear the energy from the band and the crowd, and to always be glad for another song, no matter which song it was.
Marr played some Smiths songs and that highlighted the difference for me. While there is a definite emotional truth in feeling that you are wasting time on people who don't care about you, or that you don't belong, there is only ridiculous vanity in thinking that you know how Joan of Arc felt or that anything you are being asked for would make Caligula blush. Marr's singing is fine on its own, then even better because you can believe that he gets the joke. 
(I am tempted to say he is more down to earth, but there are themes on Call the Comet that deal with the future and the universe and it can feel kind of metaphysical; it just doesn't feel pompous and twee.)
So it is not just that Johnny Marr is a great guitarist and a good singer, but also he is utterly delightful.
In post-concert listening I have really enjoyed Call the Comet. Favorite songs include "The Tracers", "Hi Hello", and "Spiral Cities", but I also want to mention "New Town Velocity" from 2013's The Messenger and "Easy Money" from 2014's Playland. I can also see that I really need to check out Electronic.
Let me also call out the coolness of the band. Yes, they are under his name - which probably draws more attention - but it feels like there is a good harmony of relationship and unity of play there. That included Doviak who played keyboards and guitar.
There was also the distressingly familiar (I can't figure out whom he reminds me of) Iwan Gronow on bass and Jack Mitchell on drums. They were all wonderful and I am really glad I was there.
The Call the Comet tour continues through December, but the last US date is October 22nd in Philadelphia. Go if you can.https://johnnymarr.com/
https://www.facebook.com/officialjohnnymarr
https://www.youtube.com/user/officialjohnnymarr
https://twitter.com/Johnny_Marr
September 27, 2018
Concert Review: The Belle Game
I really enjoyed The Belle Game. (I have seen their name with and without the "The".)
They opened for Johnny Marr Saturday night at the Roseland.
There was passion and poignancy in their performance, with some new age undertones in the music.
They still also totally made you want to dance, and did not let the need to play instruments stop them from feeling the beat. I would not be able keep up the music playing and move like that.
The dance-ability is not as obvious listening to recordings, but then you are still left with passion and poignancy, so it works out.
"Spirit" is a good song to start with.
http://thebellegame.com/
https://www.facebook.com/TheBelleGame/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXv_KiC9M-0jRU54oz7Uxhw
https://twitter.com/TheBelleGame
September 26, 2018
When the fix is in
I read many things about the role of misogyny in the 2016 election.
There were items about the higher standard women are held to for aesthetics and demeanor. There was definitely some focus on a double standard for liberals and conservatives, and I do want to get back to that later, but there were many ways in which sexism played a part and it looks different now.
At the time, I pretty much viewed the misogyny as a result of structural sexism; it was so ingrained into our society that it is easy to not even notice that sexism is happening, like with structural racism.
However, one of the more memorable examples of unfairness was Matt Lauer's twin interviews, where he lobbed softballs to Trump and interrupted Clinton while asking her stale questions. Given that those specific interviews were supposed to have a military focus, there could have been some interesting insight from the former secretary of state. Not on Lauer's watch. It was frustrating, but it was also possible to believe that it was just more boorish sexism.
Except Matt Lauer is a rapist. Yes, they mainly talk about sexual harassment, but at least one of the stories about him is something that you have to call rape unless you are specifically avoiding the word in order to not be too sensational (which happens more than it should).
Charlie Rose has sexual misconduct allegations. Les Moonves has sexual assault allegations.
See, I use the careful language too there. It's partly a habit, and also partly a deference to due process, which is not an unreasonable thing.
This post isn't about any one of them anyway; it is about how so much of the media is controlled not by mere sexists but by actual predators.
Funny thing about Les Moonves; one of my most recent Twitter dust-ups was with someone who "works in Hollywood". He was swearing up and down that diverse casting doesn't make money and studios shying away from diversity has nothing to do with racism, just finances. I provided many examples of films making money overseas while being diverse, but those were all cherry picking which is no good compared to actual studies and he blocked me for being closed-minded (which is much easier than providing data).
I had some thoughts about how studies and studios can and do cherry pick data, but it came back to me after reading Linda Bloodworth Thomason's letter to Les Moonves:
https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/designing-women-creator-les-moonves-not-all-harassment-is-sexual-1142448
How about that? She was making them money and getting critical acclaim too, and yet he still kept stifling her career despite her track record. It's almost as if sometimes they do care about other things than money.
Don't get me wrong; I am positive that he could tell himself that no one would want to watch this if he didn't want to, but these kinds of decisions happen.
With Moonves, he was also on the record as saying that Trump was great for CBS, if not for America. That just sounded like vulgar capitalism. However, when you are someone who benefits from a structure of power that allows you to sexually assault women, it is plausible that there might be some bias against the strong woman getting more power. There could be some kinship with the other sexual predator.
I remember noticing in the CBS lineup a lot of shows with crime enforcement teams made of up rebellious individuals. I found it interesting that they managed to be both authoritarian and anti-authoritarian, which is kind of perfect for adhering to the status quo but still believing you are a rugged individual playing by your own rules.
I didn't think about how many of those shows were procedurals where the majority of the victims were women until after reading her letter, but it makes sense. That goes along with the status quo too.
Think about the power of what you see. That includes the movies and television shows you watch (Weinstein, Spacey, Toback, Moonves, Louis C.K., Ratner), the news you watch and hear (Lauer, Rose, Brokaw, Halperin, Anthony Stack at NBC News had a reputation for protecting predators, O'Reilly though it pains me to call Fox "news"), and it includes the judges who make the laws, though I think that needs its own post.
The question for today is what kind of environment does this create?
Definitely one where rape accusations are considered more damaging than being raped.
It is a world where having wealth and fame and retiring with a large payout, or not getting a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court counts as a life ruined, but PTSD doesn't. Also, anything you do to make things better for people with PTSD - like trigger warnings - will be mocked.
In this world being raped while drunk means it was your fault, but raping while drunk is not your fault.
It is clearly a world with a lot more predators than you see on the surface, it looks like more things will be floating up.
Also, in this world even the men who don't rape and harass still tend to get pretty angry when women talk about the men who do. They should think about why that bugs them.
But mainly this is a world that ignores female pain. That is the accepted price of male convenience and success. That is the bonus for the highest success.
Fight your initial reaction to see this as an exaggeration and just sit with it for a while.
Then you need to be ready to fight it.
There were items about the higher standard women are held to for aesthetics and demeanor. There was definitely some focus on a double standard for liberals and conservatives, and I do want to get back to that later, but there were many ways in which sexism played a part and it looks different now.
At the time, I pretty much viewed the misogyny as a result of structural sexism; it was so ingrained into our society that it is easy to not even notice that sexism is happening, like with structural racism.
However, one of the more memorable examples of unfairness was Matt Lauer's twin interviews, where he lobbed softballs to Trump and interrupted Clinton while asking her stale questions. Given that those specific interviews were supposed to have a military focus, there could have been some interesting insight from the former secretary of state. Not on Lauer's watch. It was frustrating, but it was also possible to believe that it was just more boorish sexism.
Except Matt Lauer is a rapist. Yes, they mainly talk about sexual harassment, but at least one of the stories about him is something that you have to call rape unless you are specifically avoiding the word in order to not be too sensational (which happens more than it should).
Charlie Rose has sexual misconduct allegations. Les Moonves has sexual assault allegations.
See, I use the careful language too there. It's partly a habit, and also partly a deference to due process, which is not an unreasonable thing.
This post isn't about any one of them anyway; it is about how so much of the media is controlled not by mere sexists but by actual predators.
Funny thing about Les Moonves; one of my most recent Twitter dust-ups was with someone who "works in Hollywood". He was swearing up and down that diverse casting doesn't make money and studios shying away from diversity has nothing to do with racism, just finances. I provided many examples of films making money overseas while being diverse, but those were all cherry picking which is no good compared to actual studies and he blocked me for being closed-minded (which is much easier than providing data).
I had some thoughts about how studies and studios can and do cherry pick data, but it came back to me after reading Linda Bloodworth Thomason's letter to Les Moonves:
https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/designing-women-creator-les-moonves-not-all-harassment-is-sexual-1142448
How about that? She was making them money and getting critical acclaim too, and yet he still kept stifling her career despite her track record. It's almost as if sometimes they do care about other things than money.
Don't get me wrong; I am positive that he could tell himself that no one would want to watch this if he didn't want to, but these kinds of decisions happen.
With Moonves, he was also on the record as saying that Trump was great for CBS, if not for America. That just sounded like vulgar capitalism. However, when you are someone who benefits from a structure of power that allows you to sexually assault women, it is plausible that there might be some bias against the strong woman getting more power. There could be some kinship with the other sexual predator.
I remember noticing in the CBS lineup a lot of shows with crime enforcement teams made of up rebellious individuals. I found it interesting that they managed to be both authoritarian and anti-authoritarian, which is kind of perfect for adhering to the status quo but still believing you are a rugged individual playing by your own rules.
I didn't think about how many of those shows were procedurals where the majority of the victims were women until after reading her letter, but it makes sense. That goes along with the status quo too.
Think about the power of what you see. That includes the movies and television shows you watch (Weinstein, Spacey, Toback, Moonves, Louis C.K., Ratner), the news you watch and hear (Lauer, Rose, Brokaw, Halperin, Anthony Stack at NBC News had a reputation for protecting predators, O'Reilly though it pains me to call Fox "news"), and it includes the judges who make the laws, though I think that needs its own post.
The question for today is what kind of environment does this create?
Definitely one where rape accusations are considered more damaging than being raped.
It is a world where having wealth and fame and retiring with a large payout, or not getting a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court counts as a life ruined, but PTSD doesn't. Also, anything you do to make things better for people with PTSD - like trigger warnings - will be mocked.
In this world being raped while drunk means it was your fault, but raping while drunk is not your fault.
It is clearly a world with a lot more predators than you see on the surface, it looks like more things will be floating up.
Also, in this world even the men who don't rape and harass still tend to get pretty angry when women talk about the men who do. They should think about why that bugs them.
But mainly this is a world that ignores female pain. That is the accepted price of male convenience and success. That is the bonus for the highest success.
Fight your initial reaction to see this as an exaggeration and just sit with it for a while.
Then you need to be ready to fight it.
September 25, 2018
The failure of the press
The March series merged a lot in my mind with the movie Selma, They cover many of the same events, though with three books March fits in more.
I mention that because I remember having those feelings about the importance of the press while watching the movie, four years ago. It was seeing the photographers and reporters rushing to phones (no Periscope back then), and seeing people watching the news and then going to volunteer. I remember talking to people who saw those news reports and were shocked by them. I can this wasn't really that long ago.
Those memories came back when I was finishing March: Book Three. It was important that people could see. It was important that the eyes of the world were on the actions of Southern racists. It was important that people who turned a blind eye to the persecution were forced to see.
One of the disturbing things from earlier Black History months was hearing that when they were searching for the bodies of the three murdered Civil Rights workers (Goodman, Schwerner, and Chaney) they found other bodies. In a way it wasn't so surprising that in a climate like that more murders happened and were hidden, but also it felt like there should be more about that. This month I finally got some answers:
https://dickatlee.com/issues/mississippi/mississippi_eyewitness/valley_of_fear.html
Those answers came to me because I follow good people and this is a good thread: https://twitter.com/RustBeltRebel/status/1039193758389166080
Beyond that, the answers exist at all because of one reporter who went digging. He was not satisfied with sticking to the key story. He could see that those other lives mattered, and he put his skill and ability into finding that.
In 2014 a movie reminded me how the press could be good and it was inspiring. In 2018, similar images from a comic felt different, because 2016 and after showed me how much damage the press could do. When revisiting "her e-mails" daily was more important than actual financial scandals and racism, and negative stories (like knowledge of the Russia investigation) were held back, that was damaging. Even now the feelings of Trump voters are revisited again and again, despite more people voting for Clinton, and them also being people who have feelings and thoughts about this.
(Also this year, while I was starting to think about this post, one NYT figure who is one of the worst offenders demonstrated a sad fragility about it, but that wasn't really that surprising.)
None of this is really new, but I found surprising evidence of it in Been in the Storm So Long: The Aftermath of Slavery, by Leon F. Litwack on page 304:
And it does not succeed in afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted.
I have some thoughts on why it happens for tomorrow.
I mention that because I remember having those feelings about the importance of the press while watching the movie, four years ago. It was seeing the photographers and reporters rushing to phones (no Periscope back then), and seeing people watching the news and then going to volunteer. I remember talking to people who saw those news reports and were shocked by them. I can this wasn't really that long ago.
Those memories came back when I was finishing March: Book Three. It was important that people could see. It was important that the eyes of the world were on the actions of Southern racists. It was important that people who turned a blind eye to the persecution were forced to see.
One of the disturbing things from earlier Black History months was hearing that when they were searching for the bodies of the three murdered Civil Rights workers (Goodman, Schwerner, and Chaney) they found other bodies. In a way it wasn't so surprising that in a climate like that more murders happened and were hidden, but also it felt like there should be more about that. This month I finally got some answers:
https://dickatlee.com/issues/mississippi/mississippi_eyewitness/valley_of_fear.html
Those answers came to me because I follow good people and this is a good thread: https://twitter.com/RustBeltRebel/status/1039193758389166080
Beyond that, the answers exist at all because of one reporter who went digging. He was not satisfied with sticking to the key story. He could see that those other lives mattered, and he put his skill and ability into finding that.
In 2014 a movie reminded me how the press could be good and it was inspiring. In 2018, similar images from a comic felt different, because 2016 and after showed me how much damage the press could do. When revisiting "her e-mails" daily was more important than actual financial scandals and racism, and negative stories (like knowledge of the Russia investigation) were held back, that was damaging. Even now the feelings of Trump voters are revisited again and again, despite more people voting for Clinton, and them also being people who have feelings and thoughts about this.
(Also this year, while I was starting to think about this post, one NYT figure who is one of the worst offenders demonstrated a sad fragility about it, but that wasn't really that surprising.)
None of this is really new, but I found surprising evidence of it in Been in the Storm So Long: The Aftermath of Slavery, by Leon F. Litwack on page 304:
“... the New York Times correspondent tried very hard to maintain his detachment – and he succeeded. “Whipping, paddling, and other customs, peculiar to the palmy days of the institution, are practiced, and the negro finds, to his heart's sorrow, that his sore-headed master is loath to give him up. There is fault on both sides and equal exaggeration in the representation of his difficulties, by both master and servant.” (NYT, August 2nd, 1865)This sounds too stupid to have to say, but there is no moral equivalence between the person who is sad to no longer have slaves, thus keeps beating them, and the former slave who should be free - should have always been free, but now the law has caught up - but is still subject to slave treatment. That is a false equivalency. It goes beyond being stupid to being morally repugnant. It is neither honest nor fair.
And it does not succeed in afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted.
I have some thoughts on why it happens for tomorrow.
September 24, 2018
Making it
I almost forgot one of the Black History month topics.
It cam from reading Ain't No Making It: Leveled Aspirations in a Low-Income Neighborhood by Jay MacLeod.
MacLeod was working with youths as a student, and found an idea for his thesis in looking at two different groups of boys. He dubbed them the Brothers and the Hallway Hangers. One group was focusing on academic achievement and the other leaned toward more criminal activity. His initial work came out in 1987, but reconnecting with the grown boys later led to some additional understanding in 1995.
I personally leaned toward academic achievement, so I tended to favor the Brothers and root for them. It turned out that they didn't end up having much better job success than the Hallway Hangers.
One interesting thing to me is that the Hallway Hangers gained more from the group solidarity. They had a sense of community and belonging. It helped them because they knew that the odds were against them being able to get good-paying jobs and create better lives. That belief may have motivated some anti-social tendencies, but nonetheless, knowing that they did not have much they still had each other. Perhaps they felt some sense of accomplishment in knowing that it was rigged all along (thus being smarter than those chumps who kept studying).
The easy tendency is to call that a victim mentality and excoriate it; buckling down and working hard will fix everything. Pull up your pants!
The Brothers did that. They bought into the system and tried to work according to the rules of the system, but without significant improvements in their lives. I know hard work is supposed to be its own reward, but when there aren't any other rewards, eventually that is bound to raise questions. The Brothers were feeling much less positive eight years later.
Learned helplessness is one thing, but a deluded belief in the possibility of accomplishment is much worse. It's not that no one ever makes it - with the right combination of luck and circumstances it can happen - but more people are set up for failure and told that it's them.
The Brothers had a harder crash, but the Hallway Hangers weren't happy with the situation either. They just dealt differently. It saved them some grief, but only what it was possible to save.
Setting young kids up like that is rotten. Barring a better system you should at least be honest with them. No one wants to admit anything that ugly - especially if they are benefiting from it - because once you admit it you have to change it.
I want the change. I want a better world than this.
First you have to be honest about it. That's why we're going to talk about the press.
It cam from reading Ain't No Making It: Leveled Aspirations in a Low-Income Neighborhood by Jay MacLeod.
MacLeod was working with youths as a student, and found an idea for his thesis in looking at two different groups of boys. He dubbed them the Brothers and the Hallway Hangers. One group was focusing on academic achievement and the other leaned toward more criminal activity. His initial work came out in 1987, but reconnecting with the grown boys later led to some additional understanding in 1995.
I personally leaned toward academic achievement, so I tended to favor the Brothers and root for them. It turned out that they didn't end up having much better job success than the Hallway Hangers.
One interesting thing to me is that the Hallway Hangers gained more from the group solidarity. They had a sense of community and belonging. It helped them because they knew that the odds were against them being able to get good-paying jobs and create better lives. That belief may have motivated some anti-social tendencies, but nonetheless, knowing that they did not have much they still had each other. Perhaps they felt some sense of accomplishment in knowing that it was rigged all along (thus being smarter than those chumps who kept studying).
The easy tendency is to call that a victim mentality and excoriate it; buckling down and working hard will fix everything. Pull up your pants!
The Brothers did that. They bought into the system and tried to work according to the rules of the system, but without significant improvements in their lives. I know hard work is supposed to be its own reward, but when there aren't any other rewards, eventually that is bound to raise questions. The Brothers were feeling much less positive eight years later.
Learned helplessness is one thing, but a deluded belief in the possibility of accomplishment is much worse. It's not that no one ever makes it - with the right combination of luck and circumstances it can happen - but more people are set up for failure and told that it's them.
The Brothers had a harder crash, but the Hallway Hangers weren't happy with the situation either. They just dealt differently. It saved them some grief, but only what it was possible to save.
Setting young kids up like that is rotten. Barring a better system you should at least be honest with them. No one wants to admit anything that ugly - especially if they are benefiting from it - because once you admit it you have to change it.
I want the change. I want a better world than this.
First you have to be honest about it. That's why we're going to talk about the press.
September 21, 2018
Band Review: The Alpacas
I really liked The Alpacas; I still don't know how to describe them.
I guess the indie rock/pop that the band chooses is reasonable, but it is also almost meaningless.
I'd like to find a good way of describing that hippie-ish vibe I get. It's not that listening to them makes me think of the dirt and drugs of Woodstock, but the peace and love thing does seem to exist there. I can easily imagine them cheerfully busking.
Their videos are sweet and touching. My favorite song - "I Miss You Girl" - does not have a video yet, but I like "These Train Tracks" and "Pictures of You" more after watching the videos.
I recommend checking them out. It is probably also a good idea to use the links below, as there are at least two other bands called The Alpacas.
http://www.thealpacas.co.uk/
https://www.facebook.com/alpacasofficial/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZoWMfGJILEVscxmyPHqQDg
https://twitter.com/LasAlpacas
I guess the indie rock/pop that the band chooses is reasonable, but it is also almost meaningless.
I'd like to find a good way of describing that hippie-ish vibe I get. It's not that listening to them makes me think of the dirt and drugs of Woodstock, but the peace and love thing does seem to exist there. I can easily imagine them cheerfully busking.
Their videos are sweet and touching. My favorite song - "I Miss You Girl" - does not have a video yet, but I like "These Train Tracks" and "Pictures of You" more after watching the videos.
I recommend checking them out. It is probably also a good idea to use the links below, as there are at least two other bands called The Alpacas.
http://www.thealpacas.co.uk/
https://www.facebook.com/alpacasofficial/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZoWMfGJILEVscxmyPHqQDg
https://twitter.com/LasAlpacas
September 20, 2018
Band Review: Jose Aguilar
Jose Aguilar is an experienced singer with roots in Michoacan, Mexico and Porterville, California.
Although his Youtube channel has many videos, many of them do not contain singing. For official recordings, there is really only audio and video for "Te Reconquistare".
You can get a general sense of Aguilar as a singer through some of the other videos, with excerpts of live performances and some informal recording sessions. The playfulness of those relieves the drama of "Te Reconquistare".
It's not bad that it's dramatic, and Aguilar delivers the drama really well. It is still nice to know that the music can be fun too. A few more songs organized in a playlist to give a better idea of his range would be helpful. It also seems really possible for someone who has been singing for twenty years.
https://joseaguilarmusic.com/
https://www.facebook.com/joseaguilarofficial
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzv9PV6qzFvvQ86G_tYZZnw
https://twitter.com/joseaguilarofic
Although his Youtube channel has many videos, many of them do not contain singing. For official recordings, there is really only audio and video for "Te Reconquistare".
You can get a general sense of Aguilar as a singer through some of the other videos, with excerpts of live performances and some informal recording sessions. The playfulness of those relieves the drama of "Te Reconquistare".
It's not bad that it's dramatic, and Aguilar delivers the drama really well. It is still nice to know that the music can be fun too. A few more songs organized in a playlist to give a better idea of his range would be helpful. It also seems really possible for someone who has been singing for twenty years.
https://joseaguilarmusic.com/
https://www.facebook.com/joseaguilarofficial
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzv9PV6qzFvvQ86G_tYZZnw
https://twitter.com/joseaguilarofic
September 19, 2018
Reparations Happy Hour
Here is one article on a local Reparations Happy Hour:
https://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2018/05/reparations_happy_hour_portland.html
Black, brown, and indigenous people could show up and be handed $10 for drinks, the money coming from donations by white people who did not attend. About forty people attended, so that was $400 total, which - depending on the location - is not extravagant for drinks. No one was forced to donate or attend. People had a good time.
That shouldn't make people particularly angry, despite the long list of white people calling the police on Black people enjoying themselves, but there were some very angry responses.
I have some thoughts about why that would cause anger, but for now I just want to go over why it could be reasonable to give much more than $10. I had pictured this as turning into a screed of righteous anger; and it might be more of a weary lament. I should still get this on the record.
It is not just slavery.
Slavery would be enough. The beatings and family separations and loss of culture and the hard labor to build wealth that you do not get to share creates plenty of reason for reparations, with that last reason possibly being the most concrete.
However, it is not just slavery.
It is also that when land owners were finding it difficult to let go of their indentured servants and they were looking for a way to hold onto that labor without spending more money, and when Bacon's Rebellion reinforced the danger of letting poor people of all races unite, that whiteness became a weapon to use to strengthen hierarchies of power. (See Theodore W. Allen.) It gave racism deep roots.
It is that Bacon's Rebellion happened in Virginia, and racist shoring up of greed became formalized there, "the birthplace of presidents", and so became a huge part of the nation's birthright.
It is that for all the talk of state's rights, it was not just the desire to keep slavery in the Southern states but to be able to make the rules for the Northern states, as with the Dred Scott decision. They would do anything to hold onto that slavery.
It is that even after Emancipation freed slaves were not allowed to leave plantations, and that Freedman's bureaus would often take the sides of the former owners, and that even supportive bureaus workers couldn't prevent outright murder, which happened.
It is that after creating wealth former slaves were not considered to have any part in that wealth, starting new lives with zero assets.
It is not being able to take advantage of the Homestead Act, if not officially, largely still true in practice. (https://aeon.co/ideas/land-and-the-roots-of-african-american-poverty)
It is that immediately after Emancipation debt peonage started, not only depriving many Black people of their freedom, but making it more economical to have slave labor than it had ever been. (See Douglas A. Blackmon.) This did not help white people regard their Black neighbors as fully deserving of life and liberty.
It is that even though during Reconstruction education and opportunities were expanded for poor white people too, that poor white people still feel threatened by progress against racism.
It is that Reconstruction was abandoned so quickly and cheaply with the Compromise of 1877.
It is that lynching was used to punish Black economic success, but was painted as a necessity because of the brutality of Black men, continuing the tradition of their dehumanization. (See Ida B. Wells.)
It is the constant tradition of white men accusing Black men of raping white women, but white men raping Black women. (See At the Dark End of the Street by Danielle L. McGuire.)
It is Plessy vs Ferguson upholding segregation while paying mere lip service to equality.
It is Woodrow Wilson re-segregating government offices because even a little progress is too much, and because he was a huge racist.
It is that it wasn't enough to lynch some Black business owners individually or in small groups, but that sometimes whole business districts and towns needed to be destroyed. (See Rosewood and Black Wall Street.)
It is that the 1921 Tulsa Race Riot that destroyed Black Wall Street and the 1923 Rosewood Massacre seem to have been at least partly inspired by the return of Black veterans who had served in World War I and felt that they had earned equal treatment.
It is also that redlining and other corrupt real estate practices and very corrupt lending practices and even racist design practices kept Black people limited in where they lived. This allowed for some wonderful communities, but it also severely hampered growth of home value, a very reliable investment for white people. (There is interesting information on New York and Robert Moses, but that is not the only big city with issues.)
It is also that this concentration of people of color has made it easy for some areas to be subject to worse industrial pollution. There is some information on that in Harriet A. Washington's Medical Apartheid but also Flint, Michigan.
Also, if we are going to refer to Medical Apartheid it is the Tuskegee syphilis study, and J. Marion Sims experimenting on slave women, and many other examples.
It is parts of the New Deal being set up specifically to exclude Black people.
It is Black people serving in World War II and then not being able to use the VA loans, or to get into some of the programs that they were technically entitled too, but somehow still not allowed to.
It is white men getting off and avoiding punishment for rapes and murders of Black people.
It is Emmett Till, Medgar Evers, Jimmy Lee Jackson, Martin Luther King Jr. but also Alberta Williams King. It is Addie Mae Collins, Denise McNair, Carole Robertson, and Cynthia Wesley, but also Johnny Robinson and Virgil Ware. It is other Black bodies being pulled out of the water when they were looking for James Chaney, Michael Schwerner, and Andrew Goodman. It is James Meredith imprisoned because he dared to apply to Ole Miss, and not getting out until he was dying of cancer.
It is so many people. The Half Has Never Been Told, by Edward E. Baptist - that title comes from a quote about slavery, but it is true about so much more than slavery.
It is about white artists getting rich off of copying Black artists - even when they give credit - because the white performers are always more palatable.
It is about braids being unprofessional on Black women but being daring and fun on white women.
It is about film not taking Black skin into account for decades.
It is about getting the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act passed and then work immediately beginning on undoing them.
It is about integration sending whites to set up private schools rather than giving up their discrimination.
It is about the Southern Strategy where the racism becomes less blatant but is still there. It is about the war on drugs.
It is about white people assuming that affirmative action means that people who weren't good enough on their own get in, when the issue was that being good wasn't enough unless you were white.
It is about Affirmative Action primarily benefiting white women. It is about a Black man making on average $15 an hour to a white man's $21, and a Black woman $13 to a white woman's $17. It is about it being as easy for white high school dropout to get hired as a Black college student.
It is about white people taking advantage of pot legalization to start profitable new businesses while the jails are full of people of color in there for nothing worse than possession.
It is about our police system being based on Southern slave patrols and still being used to enforce the social order. It is about police budgets being supported by over-policing low income communities that disproportionately affects people of color, because they can get away with it.
It is about Ferguson.
It is about the over-policing leading to full jails of people who haven't even been convicted languishing because of the cash bail system and full court dockets.
It is about Kalief Browder.
It is about video showing us cops escalating incidents, using unnecessary force, planting weapons and murdering, and still not being convicted of murder. It is about Walter Scott and Eric Garner.
It is about unnecessary and patently false 911 calls and the police shooting before there is a chance to respond, and still there are no charges, just dead bodies. So it is about John Crawford and Tamir Rice, but not just about them.
But with Tamir and Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin, it is about Black teenagers and children being seen as scary men, but Ryan Lochte and Brock Turner (and Kavanaugh) get youth as an excuse.
It is about the police searching Botham Jean's apartment but not Amber Guyger's.
It is all the fatal shootings, but it is also all of the calls that don't result in a shooting; only humiliation. There are all the reminders that Black people are not allowed to barbecue, or sell water or ride in a car with their white grandmother, or own a legally registered gun, or play golf or ride a wine train or use the bathroom at Starbucks or use coupons or use their community pool. That even though sundown towns aren't supposed to exist, they still do. That even though we are not yet officially a police state, you may always be required to justify your presence and may be asked to leave.
It is about Sandra Bland.
It is that even when Jacqueline Woodson win an award, her "friend" Daniel Handler still has to make a watermelon joke, 17 years after Fuzzy Zoeller directed his remarks at Tiger Woods. It's not that there is anything terrible about watermelon or fried chicken or okra, but that they always need to be brought up, always reminding you that you are other, and that will always take precedence over your accomplishments.
It is that a quiet and respectful protest gets you fired from the NFL, and that an ad campaign makes people care about sweatshops who never cared before. It is about people thinking that kneeling during the anthem to protest police brutality is offensive to the flag, but waving Confederate flags is just about heritage, as are ugly statues that were raised quickly at times when there was a threat of rising equality.
It is about progressives saying "Listen to Black women" and then getting mad about things they say. It is about Sanders calling people who didn't vote for him "low-information".
It is that even in progressive Portland, this site exists and never runs out of material:
https://browninpdx.tumblr.com/
It is about another event from the Reparations Happy Hour people being planned because a Black woman was put out of the shop by an employee.
So yes, in Portland, forty people of color got $10 to spend on drinks. It that is what makes you angry, the problem is yours.
https://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2018/05/reparations_happy_hour_portland.html
Black, brown, and indigenous people could show up and be handed $10 for drinks, the money coming from donations by white people who did not attend. About forty people attended, so that was $400 total, which - depending on the location - is not extravagant for drinks. No one was forced to donate or attend. People had a good time.
That shouldn't make people particularly angry, despite the long list of white people calling the police on Black people enjoying themselves, but there were some very angry responses.
I have some thoughts about why that would cause anger, but for now I just want to go over why it could be reasonable to give much more than $10. I had pictured this as turning into a screed of righteous anger; and it might be more of a weary lament. I should still get this on the record.
It is not just slavery.
Slavery would be enough. The beatings and family separations and loss of culture and the hard labor to build wealth that you do not get to share creates plenty of reason for reparations, with that last reason possibly being the most concrete.
However, it is not just slavery.
It is also that when land owners were finding it difficult to let go of their indentured servants and they were looking for a way to hold onto that labor without spending more money, and when Bacon's Rebellion reinforced the danger of letting poor people of all races unite, that whiteness became a weapon to use to strengthen hierarchies of power. (See Theodore W. Allen.) It gave racism deep roots.
It is that Bacon's Rebellion happened in Virginia, and racist shoring up of greed became formalized there, "the birthplace of presidents", and so became a huge part of the nation's birthright.
It is that for all the talk of state's rights, it was not just the desire to keep slavery in the Southern states but to be able to make the rules for the Northern states, as with the Dred Scott decision. They would do anything to hold onto that slavery.
It is that even after Emancipation freed slaves were not allowed to leave plantations, and that Freedman's bureaus would often take the sides of the former owners, and that even supportive bureaus workers couldn't prevent outright murder, which happened.
It is that after creating wealth former slaves were not considered to have any part in that wealth, starting new lives with zero assets.
It is not being able to take advantage of the Homestead Act, if not officially, largely still true in practice. (https://aeon.co/ideas/land-and-the-roots-of-african-american-poverty)
It is that immediately after Emancipation debt peonage started, not only depriving many Black people of their freedom, but making it more economical to have slave labor than it had ever been. (See Douglas A. Blackmon.) This did not help white people regard their Black neighbors as fully deserving of life and liberty.
It is that even though during Reconstruction education and opportunities were expanded for poor white people too, that poor white people still feel threatened by progress against racism.
It is that Reconstruction was abandoned so quickly and cheaply with the Compromise of 1877.
It is that lynching was used to punish Black economic success, but was painted as a necessity because of the brutality of Black men, continuing the tradition of their dehumanization. (See Ida B. Wells.)
It is the constant tradition of white men accusing Black men of raping white women, but white men raping Black women. (See At the Dark End of the Street by Danielle L. McGuire.)
It is Plessy vs Ferguson upholding segregation while paying mere lip service to equality.
It is Woodrow Wilson re-segregating government offices because even a little progress is too much, and because he was a huge racist.
It is that it wasn't enough to lynch some Black business owners individually or in small groups, but that sometimes whole business districts and towns needed to be destroyed. (See Rosewood and Black Wall Street.)
It is that the 1921 Tulsa Race Riot that destroyed Black Wall Street and the 1923 Rosewood Massacre seem to have been at least partly inspired by the return of Black veterans who had served in World War I and felt that they had earned equal treatment.
It is also that redlining and other corrupt real estate practices and very corrupt lending practices and even racist design practices kept Black people limited in where they lived. This allowed for some wonderful communities, but it also severely hampered growth of home value, a very reliable investment for white people. (There is interesting information on New York and Robert Moses, but that is not the only big city with issues.)
It is also that this concentration of people of color has made it easy for some areas to be subject to worse industrial pollution. There is some information on that in Harriet A. Washington's Medical Apartheid but also Flint, Michigan.
Also, if we are going to refer to Medical Apartheid it is the Tuskegee syphilis study, and J. Marion Sims experimenting on slave women, and many other examples.
It is parts of the New Deal being set up specifically to exclude Black people.
It is Black people serving in World War II and then not being able to use the VA loans, or to get into some of the programs that they were technically entitled too, but somehow still not allowed to.
It is white men getting off and avoiding punishment for rapes and murders of Black people.
It is Emmett Till, Medgar Evers, Jimmy Lee Jackson, Martin Luther King Jr. but also Alberta Williams King. It is Addie Mae Collins, Denise McNair, Carole Robertson, and Cynthia Wesley, but also Johnny Robinson and Virgil Ware. It is other Black bodies being pulled out of the water when they were looking for James Chaney, Michael Schwerner, and Andrew Goodman. It is James Meredith imprisoned because he dared to apply to Ole Miss, and not getting out until he was dying of cancer.
It is so many people. The Half Has Never Been Told, by Edward E. Baptist - that title comes from a quote about slavery, but it is true about so much more than slavery.
It is about white artists getting rich off of copying Black artists - even when they give credit - because the white performers are always more palatable.
It is about braids being unprofessional on Black women but being daring and fun on white women.
It is about film not taking Black skin into account for decades.
It is about getting the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act passed and then work immediately beginning on undoing them.
It is about integration sending whites to set up private schools rather than giving up their discrimination.
It is about the Southern Strategy where the racism becomes less blatant but is still there. It is about the war on drugs.
It is about white people assuming that affirmative action means that people who weren't good enough on their own get in, when the issue was that being good wasn't enough unless you were white.
It is about Affirmative Action primarily benefiting white women. It is about a Black man making on average $15 an hour to a white man's $21, and a Black woman $13 to a white woman's $17. It is about it being as easy for white high school dropout to get hired as a Black college student.
It is about white people taking advantage of pot legalization to start profitable new businesses while the jails are full of people of color in there for nothing worse than possession.
It is about our police system being based on Southern slave patrols and still being used to enforce the social order. It is about police budgets being supported by over-policing low income communities that disproportionately affects people of color, because they can get away with it.
It is about Ferguson.
It is about the over-policing leading to full jails of people who haven't even been convicted languishing because of the cash bail system and full court dockets.
It is about Kalief Browder.
It is about video showing us cops escalating incidents, using unnecessary force, planting weapons and murdering, and still not being convicted of murder. It is about Walter Scott and Eric Garner.
It is about unnecessary and patently false 911 calls and the police shooting before there is a chance to respond, and still there are no charges, just dead bodies. So it is about John Crawford and Tamir Rice, but not just about them.
But with Tamir and Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin, it is about Black teenagers and children being seen as scary men, but Ryan Lochte and Brock Turner (and Kavanaugh) get youth as an excuse.
It is about the police searching Botham Jean's apartment but not Amber Guyger's.
It is all the fatal shootings, but it is also all of the calls that don't result in a shooting; only humiliation. There are all the reminders that Black people are not allowed to barbecue, or sell water or ride in a car with their white grandmother, or own a legally registered gun, or play golf or ride a wine train or use the bathroom at Starbucks or use coupons or use their community pool. That even though sundown towns aren't supposed to exist, they still do. That even though we are not yet officially a police state, you may always be required to justify your presence and may be asked to leave.
It is about Sandra Bland.
It is that even when Jacqueline Woodson win an award, her "friend" Daniel Handler still has to make a watermelon joke, 17 years after Fuzzy Zoeller directed his remarks at Tiger Woods. It's not that there is anything terrible about watermelon or fried chicken or okra, but that they always need to be brought up, always reminding you that you are other, and that will always take precedence over your accomplishments.
It is that a quiet and respectful protest gets you fired from the NFL, and that an ad campaign makes people care about sweatshops who never cared before. It is about people thinking that kneeling during the anthem to protest police brutality is offensive to the flag, but waving Confederate flags is just about heritage, as are ugly statues that were raised quickly at times when there was a threat of rising equality.
It is about progressives saying "Listen to Black women" and then getting mad about things they say. It is about Sanders calling people who didn't vote for him "low-information".
It is that even in progressive Portland, this site exists and never runs out of material:
https://browninpdx.tumblr.com/
It is about another event from the Reparations Happy Hour people being planned because a Black woman was put out of the shop by an employee.
So yes, in Portland, forty people of color got $10 to spend on drinks. It that is what makes you angry, the problem is yours.
September 18, 2018
Status of limitations
Last night I posted really late.
Tonight I was trying to get my rant going, and it is again really late. I don't think I can do a good enough job of it. I thought about getting my journalism bit in, but I may want to take that a little deeper, where putting it in next week makes sense.
I am going to give a little update on me instead, which I had thought I might do next week or the week after anyway.
The most obvious status update is that I am so tired. It doesn't even make any sense, because it feels like I am not accomplishing anything. I have been trying to think about potential health issues, but my sisters have similar tiredness issues, and it looks most like it is the mind-body toll of living with dementia. That was the most obvious answer.
I avoided it for a long time because then it feels like being a bad daughter, and assigning blame that I don't want to assign. She's not even that bad, in a lot of ways. I can see a lot of things that could be worse. It is still tiring. My sisters have demanding jobs, and I have this.
To be fair, I feel like I am doing really well at it. She is mostly happy, and we have gotten better at navigating certain things. With a progressive condition every time you get adjusted it changes again, but it is something to have successfully adjusted over and over again.
The biggest part of what makes me sucessful is everything I have let go. When this started, I was going to cure it. Even in June with her last MoCA test, I was thinking about ways of working on the specific testing areas. I have a stack of connect-the-dot worksheets on my desk just for that. It wasn't to game the test, but if exercising those areas could slow the progress... but it may not work that way. Also, people with higher scores are leaving the house in their pajamas and not realizing it, so you can't depend too much on the number. It presents and progresses very individually.
My biggest concern is that I am forgetting how to relax. At that last assessment, I was reminded of the tendency for dementia patients to wander. Shortly after that, I got two glimpses of how it could happen, with a very small distraction or moment of restlessness. Nothing terrible happened either time, but then later as I was taking a deep breath in the shower I gasped; what if it happened then? That scared me.
And still, we are mainly getting along okay. I know people who have it much worse. My faith is a huge help. There are still a lot of fluctuations with fear and sadness and worry. I might have a lot of difficulty responding to "How are you?" right now. Maybe I am several contradictory things at once.
Actually, I was asked recently how long I have been care-giving, and that was really hard to answer as well. Definitely since I lost my job, and when I realized that I could not have another job, but what about when I started telecommuting and it was such a relief to know I would be there? What about when I was still working downtown and I would do meal prep and write notes to give a schedule the day before? Did that count? Because it's been a while.
Currently the blog has been a source of stress. The time writing and the time spent listening to the music for band reviews is becoming harder and harder to find. I keep thinking maybe it is time to give them up. I would miss them, but also then I think "Now? I am so close to finishing my Black History Month blogging!"
Right now it still seems to serve a purpose, and I still usually like what I write, but that could change. If it does, this will be why.
Right now, anything I do that isn't care giving is a major accomplishment, even if it wouldn't be for someone else. You have no idea how much feels overwhelming and then gets done anyway.
The care giving is a pretty good accomplishment too. It has some complicated feelings associated with it, but I know it matters and is where I am supposed to be.
It also leaves me very tired.
Tonight I was trying to get my rant going, and it is again really late. I don't think I can do a good enough job of it. I thought about getting my journalism bit in, but I may want to take that a little deeper, where putting it in next week makes sense.
I am going to give a little update on me instead, which I had thought I might do next week or the week after anyway.
The most obvious status update is that I am so tired. It doesn't even make any sense, because it feels like I am not accomplishing anything. I have been trying to think about potential health issues, but my sisters have similar tiredness issues, and it looks most like it is the mind-body toll of living with dementia. That was the most obvious answer.
I avoided it for a long time because then it feels like being a bad daughter, and assigning blame that I don't want to assign. She's not even that bad, in a lot of ways. I can see a lot of things that could be worse. It is still tiring. My sisters have demanding jobs, and I have this.
To be fair, I feel like I am doing really well at it. She is mostly happy, and we have gotten better at navigating certain things. With a progressive condition every time you get adjusted it changes again, but it is something to have successfully adjusted over and over again.
The biggest part of what makes me sucessful is everything I have let go. When this started, I was going to cure it. Even in June with her last MoCA test, I was thinking about ways of working on the specific testing areas. I have a stack of connect-the-dot worksheets on my desk just for that. It wasn't to game the test, but if exercising those areas could slow the progress... but it may not work that way. Also, people with higher scores are leaving the house in their pajamas and not realizing it, so you can't depend too much on the number. It presents and progresses very individually.
My biggest concern is that I am forgetting how to relax. At that last assessment, I was reminded of the tendency for dementia patients to wander. Shortly after that, I got two glimpses of how it could happen, with a very small distraction or moment of restlessness. Nothing terrible happened either time, but then later as I was taking a deep breath in the shower I gasped; what if it happened then? That scared me.
And still, we are mainly getting along okay. I know people who have it much worse. My faith is a huge help. There are still a lot of fluctuations with fear and sadness and worry. I might have a lot of difficulty responding to "How are you?" right now. Maybe I am several contradictory things at once.
Actually, I was asked recently how long I have been care-giving, and that was really hard to answer as well. Definitely since I lost my job, and when I realized that I could not have another job, but what about when I started telecommuting and it was such a relief to know I would be there? What about when I was still working downtown and I would do meal prep and write notes to give a schedule the day before? Did that count? Because it's been a while.
Currently the blog has been a source of stress. The time writing and the time spent listening to the music for band reviews is becoming harder and harder to find. I keep thinking maybe it is time to give them up. I would miss them, but also then I think "Now? I am so close to finishing my Black History Month blogging!"
Right now it still seems to serve a purpose, and I still usually like what I write, but that could change. If it does, this will be why.
Right now, anything I do that isn't care giving is a major accomplishment, even if it wouldn't be for someone else. You have no idea how much feels overwhelming and then gets done anyway.
The care giving is a pretty good accomplishment too. It has some complicated feelings associated with it, but I know it matters and is where I am supposed to be.
It also leaves me very tired.
