Gina Harris's Blog, page 87
November 29, 2018
Band Review: Lida Pimiento
Lido Pimienta is a singer and songwriter from Colombia but in Canada, and with Afro-Colmbian and Waayu roots.
With that mix of elements, you could hear sounds from anywhere. I watched Latcho Drom recently, and some of Pimienta's music reminded me of the Romany music that was featured, especially on "Quiero Jardines".
The variety does make the music hard to describe. Higher pitches are often used, possibly as a way of bringing attention to what is overlooked but perhaps also contrasted with a low droning. I get a sense of rebelling against being ignored, but also against the alienation that could come from accepting the ignorance of the world. I found the opening on "Agua" instantly arresting. That is the opening track on her 2016 album, La Papessa, and a good starting place.
Pimienta was honored with a 2017 Polaris Prize. It was Digital Drum's tweet about her win that led me to do this review.
https://www.facebook.com/Lido.Pimienta.Musica/
https://soundcloud.com/lido-pimienta
https://www.youtube.com/user/antirecords/featured
https://twitter.com/LidoPimienta
With that mix of elements, you could hear sounds from anywhere. I watched Latcho Drom recently, and some of Pimienta's music reminded me of the Romany music that was featured, especially on "Quiero Jardines".
The variety does make the music hard to describe. Higher pitches are often used, possibly as a way of bringing attention to what is overlooked but perhaps also contrasted with a low droning. I get a sense of rebelling against being ignored, but also against the alienation that could come from accepting the ignorance of the world. I found the opening on "Agua" instantly arresting. That is the opening track on her 2016 album, La Papessa, and a good starting place.
Pimienta was honored with a 2017 Polaris Prize. It was Digital Drum's tweet about her win that led me to do this review.
https://www.facebook.com/Lido.Pimienta.Musica/
https://soundcloud.com/lido-pimienta
https://www.youtube.com/user/antirecords/featured
https://twitter.com/LidoPimienta
Not as embarrassed as I could be
I did not complete the Turkey Trot. I barely started it. I am okay with that.
I know between 2400 and 2500 people were signed up, and there didn't seem to be nearly that many people there. There may have been people who did even less. I remember hearing someone near me say that he would have been fine with taking the group picture and going back to bed. Still, I was there.
I'd had concerns about timing, but I had worked out a very specific plan for getting up early, getting dinner going, how long I thought the Trot should take, and what needed to be done for the Thanksgiving meal when I got back. The only thing I could not manage was the right amount of time for the rolls to rise, so I gave my sisters instructions for that.
Otherwise I was very organized. Wednesday night I set the turkey pan and the foil on the stove, next to the slow cooker and the brown sugar for the ham. I usually just cook the ham after the turkey comes out of the oven, but my sisters had expressed interest in this video showing slow cooker ham with pineapple and brown sugar, so I tried it. (I didn't care for it, but they thought it was good.) Other non-perishable items were on the counter. The pan for the rolls and the cooking spray and plastic wrap were on the opposite counter. My clothes were laid out with my race supplies in my hoodie pocket. I was set.
The morning went really smoothly. I had built in time for the animals to have needs, having learned from the last time we needed to be somewhere early. I got up, prayed, fed them, started the turkey, started the ham (which included de-boning it, because otherwise it would not have fit in the slow cooker, but I had tested that). I checked my blood sugar, medicated, and ate breakfast. The only variation in the plan was that I decided I would really feel better showering before, even if I would need to shower again later. I did that and still made my bus.
I was pretty proud of this. Planning and preparation had paid off. Then I was there at the starting line and it just didn't feel right. I tried to shake it off, because I had really been looking forward to it and I had written about it enough that people could totally have asked me about it. How could I not do it? But the mental "No!" was really strong, so I turned off into a parking lot, assessed, and decided this wasn't my thing. I considered doing something else, like going and walking downtown again, or this walking route I have around home, but ultimately going home felt best, so that's what I did.
In an effort to pack light I had not brought my keys. I did not want to pound on the door and get everyone out of bed, so I sent a text to Maria around the time where I know her alarm was set (also knowing that she was likely to hit "snooze") and Julie came and picked me up at the transit center. I did feel like a loser, but having gotten up, set a holiday meal going, and made it there while everyone else was in bed, no one at home was calling me that.
It was disappointing, but the decision to stop still felt right overall.
I think there were three possible factors in terms of why it felt more like "Do not do this!" rather than "This is not going to be fun, but push through anyway." (And I had expected it to be fun. I was just on that hill two weeks ago and I liked it.)
One is that I had not gotten enough sleep. I should have gone to bed earlier anyway, but then I just could not get to sleep. That was probably from having too much to do. Maybe most of the participants let other people cook.
Also, it is starting to get to be time to replace my shoes. My feet did not feel great, but again, I was wearing them two weeks ago and they worked fine.
Finally, my insulin dosage was recently changed, and I could not rule out that the exertion would lead to a plunge in blood sugar. Testing when I got home it was fine, but that was without doing much trotting. I had supplies for that, but let's say it plunged when I had gone up the hill and down and was at the part where you needed to start going up again - even with supplies on hand that would have sucked.
That last one is the biggest concern, where I sometimes wonder if my goal of doing a triathlon at 50 (for which the Turkey Trot was a step along the way) is realistic. If it's not, I can still get better at running, and get back into cycling, and develop some form for swimming (I enjoy swimming, but I know I could be better at it). The purpose of the goal was to know that I am entering 50 vital and moving, and I can still do that.
I also have to admit that I am not very vital now. Well, there are ups and downs to it. I do have some strength and endurance; they also get tested a lot in ways that are not fitness-related.
My post titles this week have been awkward and not at all snappy; they have also conveyed the moods of the posts and of my life right now. Said life is currently full of compromise and adjustment, but also one in which I am growing a lot, and where successes are small but there are still some.
I wanted to complete the event, I do not regret not doing so, and I still have some pride at my organization and execution of the morning right up until the time that I veered off to the side to look at the rest of the crowd and decide I did not belong in it. I have questioned whether I should have signed up in the first place. It felt like a good idea at the time.
That one is more complicated. If I had worked more on improving my sleeping patterns, or if I had been more proactive in working with the doctor so that my insulin dosage was already correct, would it have worked? But - and I say this fully believing that I do not achieve maximum efficiency - those things are hard, and I already have a lot of hard things to do. Navigating insurance and scheduling an appointment where I have coverage for Mom and am not conflicting with any of her appointments? There's a reason why yesterday was the first time I'd seen a dentist in two years. (Which did not turn out terrible, but I don't recommend that.)
So, that was my Thursday, and my Thanksgiving, but also this is very much me.
I know between 2400 and 2500 people were signed up, and there didn't seem to be nearly that many people there. There may have been people who did even less. I remember hearing someone near me say that he would have been fine with taking the group picture and going back to bed. Still, I was there.
I'd had concerns about timing, but I had worked out a very specific plan for getting up early, getting dinner going, how long I thought the Trot should take, and what needed to be done for the Thanksgiving meal when I got back. The only thing I could not manage was the right amount of time for the rolls to rise, so I gave my sisters instructions for that.
Otherwise I was very organized. Wednesday night I set the turkey pan and the foil on the stove, next to the slow cooker and the brown sugar for the ham. I usually just cook the ham after the turkey comes out of the oven, but my sisters had expressed interest in this video showing slow cooker ham with pineapple and brown sugar, so I tried it. (I didn't care for it, but they thought it was good.) Other non-perishable items were on the counter. The pan for the rolls and the cooking spray and plastic wrap were on the opposite counter. My clothes were laid out with my race supplies in my hoodie pocket. I was set.
The morning went really smoothly. I had built in time for the animals to have needs, having learned from the last time we needed to be somewhere early. I got up, prayed, fed them, started the turkey, started the ham (which included de-boning it, because otherwise it would not have fit in the slow cooker, but I had tested that). I checked my blood sugar, medicated, and ate breakfast. The only variation in the plan was that I decided I would really feel better showering before, even if I would need to shower again later. I did that and still made my bus.
I was pretty proud of this. Planning and preparation had paid off. Then I was there at the starting line and it just didn't feel right. I tried to shake it off, because I had really been looking forward to it and I had written about it enough that people could totally have asked me about it. How could I not do it? But the mental "No!" was really strong, so I turned off into a parking lot, assessed, and decided this wasn't my thing. I considered doing something else, like going and walking downtown again, or this walking route I have around home, but ultimately going home felt best, so that's what I did.
In an effort to pack light I had not brought my keys. I did not want to pound on the door and get everyone out of bed, so I sent a text to Maria around the time where I know her alarm was set (also knowing that she was likely to hit "snooze") and Julie came and picked me up at the transit center. I did feel like a loser, but having gotten up, set a holiday meal going, and made it there while everyone else was in bed, no one at home was calling me that.
It was disappointing, but the decision to stop still felt right overall.
I think there were three possible factors in terms of why it felt more like "Do not do this!" rather than "This is not going to be fun, but push through anyway." (And I had expected it to be fun. I was just on that hill two weeks ago and I liked it.)
One is that I had not gotten enough sleep. I should have gone to bed earlier anyway, but then I just could not get to sleep. That was probably from having too much to do. Maybe most of the participants let other people cook.
Also, it is starting to get to be time to replace my shoes. My feet did not feel great, but again, I was wearing them two weeks ago and they worked fine.
Finally, my insulin dosage was recently changed, and I could not rule out that the exertion would lead to a plunge in blood sugar. Testing when I got home it was fine, but that was without doing much trotting. I had supplies for that, but let's say it plunged when I had gone up the hill and down and was at the part where you needed to start going up again - even with supplies on hand that would have sucked.
That last one is the biggest concern, where I sometimes wonder if my goal of doing a triathlon at 50 (for which the Turkey Trot was a step along the way) is realistic. If it's not, I can still get better at running, and get back into cycling, and develop some form for swimming (I enjoy swimming, but I know I could be better at it). The purpose of the goal was to know that I am entering 50 vital and moving, and I can still do that.
I also have to admit that I am not very vital now. Well, there are ups and downs to it. I do have some strength and endurance; they also get tested a lot in ways that are not fitness-related.
My post titles this week have been awkward and not at all snappy; they have also conveyed the moods of the posts and of my life right now. Said life is currently full of compromise and adjustment, but also one in which I am growing a lot, and where successes are small but there are still some.
I wanted to complete the event, I do not regret not doing so, and I still have some pride at my organization and execution of the morning right up until the time that I veered off to the side to look at the rest of the crowd and decide I did not belong in it. I have questioned whether I should have signed up in the first place. It felt like a good idea at the time.
That one is more complicated. If I had worked more on improving my sleeping patterns, or if I had been more proactive in working with the doctor so that my insulin dosage was already correct, would it have worked? But - and I say this fully believing that I do not achieve maximum efficiency - those things are hard, and I already have a lot of hard things to do. Navigating insurance and scheduling an appointment where I have coverage for Mom and am not conflicting with any of her appointments? There's a reason why yesterday was the first time I'd seen a dentist in two years. (Which did not turn out terrible, but I don't recommend that.)
So, that was my Thursday, and my Thanksgiving, but also this is very much me.
November 28, 2018
Previously avoided fruit
I'd said that my tendency to use technology as long as possible was partly a matter of personality and partly a matter of economic situation. For the personality part, I hate wasting things.
I'm not saying that is completely disconnected from being poor now (and in the past), but it is also largely environmental. It stems from knowing that recycling doesn't help as much as reusing and reducing, and not being very materialistic and never really liking shopping (except for books, but I prefer to use libraries now).
I mention this because the reason my technology problems are ending is that my older sister found a good Black Friday deal on an All-in-One PC and bought it for me. I still need to get it set up (including wrapping the cables), but it will be brand new and I should be able to use it for a long time.
I do tend to hate Black Friday.
It's been easy to avoid participating in it. It is also easy to look down on participation in it, but I can't do that.
I know many people like to look and mock those who stampede like animals for cheap televisions. That strikes me a little bit as Hunger Games watching, though usually there aren't many deaths. Still, like that "People of Wal-Mart" page; you know, they are people. There may indeed be bad choices there, but many issues could relate to poverty, affecting access to healthcare and nutritional access and lots of other things.
Life is hard, and not having a lot of money doesn't mean you stop needing or wanting things. If some people take the chance, I can't fault them.
I have written about this before, but I avoided shopping at Wal-Mart for many years. That was a principled stand because of their impact on communities, and the way they get government subsidies by way of both corporate tax breaks and relief programs for their underpaid employees. Then they became the only affordable source of insulin. There are principles I could die for, but that doesn't seem like a reasonable choice here.
This year I have benefited from Black Friday. I would like a different economic system, but working within the current one, this is where I am.
I read some discussions on it on Twitter, and one tweet from @SeriousTyberius especially stayed with me. I will link, but also quote it:
https://twitter.com/SeriousTyberius/status/1066085910272339969
My point with that is that if we are going to make things better and equitable, it is going to have to come via cooperation and planning together. It will have to come by deciding to lift others up instead of always wanting to put others down.
I am glad to have this computer. Any complicated feelings I have about it will have have to be taken in stride.
I'm not saying that is completely disconnected from being poor now (and in the past), but it is also largely environmental. It stems from knowing that recycling doesn't help as much as reusing and reducing, and not being very materialistic and never really liking shopping (except for books, but I prefer to use libraries now).
I mention this because the reason my technology problems are ending is that my older sister found a good Black Friday deal on an All-in-One PC and bought it for me. I still need to get it set up (including wrapping the cables), but it will be brand new and I should be able to use it for a long time.
I do tend to hate Black Friday.
It's been easy to avoid participating in it. It is also easy to look down on participation in it, but I can't do that.
I know many people like to look and mock those who stampede like animals for cheap televisions. That strikes me a little bit as Hunger Games watching, though usually there aren't many deaths. Still, like that "People of Wal-Mart" page; you know, they are people. There may indeed be bad choices there, but many issues could relate to poverty, affecting access to healthcare and nutritional access and lots of other things.
Life is hard, and not having a lot of money doesn't mean you stop needing or wanting things. If some people take the chance, I can't fault them.
I have written about this before, but I avoided shopping at Wal-Mart for many years. That was a principled stand because of their impact on communities, and the way they get government subsidies by way of both corporate tax breaks and relief programs for their underpaid employees. Then they became the only affordable source of insulin. There are principles I could die for, but that doesn't seem like a reasonable choice here.
This year I have benefited from Black Friday. I would like a different economic system, but working within the current one, this is where I am.
I read some discussions on it on Twitter, and one tweet from @SeriousTyberius especially stayed with me. I will link, but also quote it:
https://twitter.com/SeriousTyberius/status/1066085910272339969
The leaders didn't say, no one ride buses. They provided a car pooling framework, made demands known, and used their power collectively. I've seen too many folks in the same working class bracket going off on each other for buying from the wrong brand. It's tiring.(It is linked to another thread that is pretty good, but much improved by blocking the graduate student who can't stop judging everyone else for just not trying hard enough.)
My point with that is that if we are going to make things better and equitable, it is going to have to come via cooperation and planning together. It will have to come by deciding to lift others up instead of always wanting to put others down.
I am glad to have this computer. Any complicated feelings I have about it will have have to be taken in stride.
November 27, 2018
Gratitude via the less expected paths
Maybe there is not really anything strange in how gratitude comes about anyway, but something unexpected hit me, and it was a good thing.
Last week I mentioned people reaching out to me. As fear of losing connection has been a concern, that was reassuring in itself. In addition, one of the contacts was about my technology issues, seeing if she would be able to help.
In that instance, my problem was specifically just old hardware, for which the solution is replacement. However, part of that was her asking how old the items were. My answers ended up impressing me.
I don't know how old the PC itself is. It was given to me by the parents of a friend after they replaced it. Old enough to be replaced, I guess. Having it was still a big help, and that was something I was grateful for then.
With the other items, I appear to still be on my original LCD monitor. I think I have had through three PCs, not counting this one. Well, the first of those would have had at least some of its time with my old CRT monitor, so two and a half PC lifespans, maybe, plus this one since February. Maybe I should keep better records, but that's at least nine years, probably more. I have to be impressed with that.
For the cable, I cannot swear to it, but I think that was the original cable that came with my first digital camera. The camera died in 2015, but I got it in 2007 or 2008, so that's pretty good for a little cable. Even now, I think its demise is due more to feline gnawing than age. I believe my first Logitech mouse still holds the record, but all in all I am very happy with the longevity of my devices.
I realize that some of my stretching things for that long is an aspect of my personality and economic position, but that wouldn't automatically make it work. I have had pretty good results, without knowing how much of it is luck and how much of it is good maintenance practices (which will clearly need to involve some cable wrapping now because of the cat). However it worked out, I am grateful for the ways in which technology makes my life easier and the ways in which it has lasted for me.
Even better, those particular problems are coming to an end, but I will save that for tomorrow.
Last week I mentioned people reaching out to me. As fear of losing connection has been a concern, that was reassuring in itself. In addition, one of the contacts was about my technology issues, seeing if she would be able to help.
In that instance, my problem was specifically just old hardware, for which the solution is replacement. However, part of that was her asking how old the items were. My answers ended up impressing me.
I don't know how old the PC itself is. It was given to me by the parents of a friend after they replaced it. Old enough to be replaced, I guess. Having it was still a big help, and that was something I was grateful for then.
With the other items, I appear to still be on my original LCD monitor. I think I have had through three PCs, not counting this one. Well, the first of those would have had at least some of its time with my old CRT monitor, so two and a half PC lifespans, maybe, plus this one since February. Maybe I should keep better records, but that's at least nine years, probably more. I have to be impressed with that.
For the cable, I cannot swear to it, but I think that was the original cable that came with my first digital camera. The camera died in 2015, but I got it in 2007 or 2008, so that's pretty good for a little cable. Even now, I think its demise is due more to feline gnawing than age. I believe my first Logitech mouse still holds the record, but all in all I am very happy with the longevity of my devices.
I realize that some of my stretching things for that long is an aspect of my personality and economic position, but that wouldn't automatically make it work. I have had pretty good results, without knowing how much of it is luck and how much of it is good maintenance practices (which will clearly need to involve some cable wrapping now because of the cat). However it worked out, I am grateful for the ways in which technology makes my life easier and the ways in which it has lasted for me.
Even better, those particular problems are coming to an end, but I will save that for tomorrow.
November 23, 2018
Band Review: Tanya Tagaq
Tanya Tagaq has multiple creative outlets, but I was listening to her as a musician.
From Nunavut, Tagaq uses throat singing to create her music, but it is different from Inuit throat singing, which is performed in duets. Without a singing partner, Tagaq learned how to perform solo.
It is not easy listening.
That is partly a matter of habituation. Guttural, echoing, and not really melodic - at least in the expected way - there is no place of comfort to rest in the music. Given the subject matter, there shouldn't be.
Tagaq deals with environmental damage, colonialism, and rape on many different levels. It should not be comfortable.
When I reviewed Snotty Nose Rez Kids, the word "unsettling" came to mind and took on a new meaning. That applies here too.
It is unsettling, and it should be.
http://tanyatagaq.com/
https://www.facebook.com/tanyatagaq/
https://soundcloud.com/tanya-tagaq
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgOeD7Q8nrTI9FYGJowQCFg
https://twitter.com/tagaq
From Nunavut, Tagaq uses throat singing to create her music, but it is different from Inuit throat singing, which is performed in duets. Without a singing partner, Tagaq learned how to perform solo.
It is not easy listening.
That is partly a matter of habituation. Guttural, echoing, and not really melodic - at least in the expected way - there is no place of comfort to rest in the music. Given the subject matter, there shouldn't be.
Tagaq deals with environmental damage, colonialism, and rape on many different levels. It should not be comfortable.
When I reviewed Snotty Nose Rez Kids, the word "unsettling" came to mind and took on a new meaning. That applies here too.
It is unsettling, and it should be.
http://tanyatagaq.com/
https://www.facebook.com/tanyatagaq/
https://soundcloud.com/tanya-tagaq
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgOeD7Q8nrTI9FYGJowQCFg
https://twitter.com/tagaq
November 22, 2018
Music Review: Reclaimed
Reclaimed is not a band; it is a weekly CBC Radio series hosted by Jarrett Martineau and focusing on contemporary indigenous music. It was also recommended under 150 Acts of Reconciliation.
It looks like it just started this year, and that previous episodes are available for listening. I am thrilled that there is online access so that the audience does not have to be limited to Canadians.
Many of the featured artists are Canadian, as would be expected, but mainly I am pleased to see the variety, and to know that such a resource exists. After all, last year I finally covered every rapper in the Mic article. (Kind of, but more on that next week.) Some of the artists are familiar, but many are not.
I am glad to know that Reclaimed is around. I hope to be able to work through old shows, but even if I only go forward, this is a valuable service.
https://www.cbcmusic.ca/programs/reclaimed
https://twitter.com/CBCReclaimed
It looks like it just started this year, and that previous episodes are available for listening. I am thrilled that there is online access so that the audience does not have to be limited to Canadians.
Many of the featured artists are Canadian, as would be expected, but mainly I am pleased to see the variety, and to know that such a resource exists. After all, last year I finally covered every rapper in the Mic article. (Kind of, but more on that next week.) Some of the artists are familiar, but many are not.
I am glad to know that Reclaimed is around. I hope to be able to work through old shows, but even if I only go forward, this is a valuable service.
https://www.cbcmusic.ca/programs/reclaimed
https://twitter.com/CBCReclaimed
November 21, 2018
Prioritizing
A few people reached out to me after the "breakdown" - most of whom I didn't reply to, though I still want to.
Actually, one of my real concerns about this time of life is that I will permanently fall off of friends' radars. It would be fair, because I have not been good at keeping in touch. There have even been times where I tried and I sent messages out to people, and they were like "Long time no hear!", and then I didn't respond to that. So, if it happens, it was me, but I hope that won't be the case.
Anyway, I did respond to one friend, and she took me for a small hike in the general area of tomorrow's Turkey Trot, giving me a chance to get the lay of the land, and also a chance to unload.
I was able to talk and hike for all but the last upward stretch. I am not sure if that was because it was steeper or accumulated tiredness. Among all of the things that I wish I had more time for, I wish I had been walking more, but I am still doing pretty well and I'm just going to take it.
I had been thinking already that I should probably try and get two respite breaks per month so that I don't reach the breakdown phase. She thought I should go for one a week, so that I have something I am looking forward to every week.
I have toyed with that idea, because then maybe I could alternate having social times and alone times. I have also dismissed it as being too hard to work out, and then considered it as a good possible target because if weekly is my aim that should greatly decrease my possibility of going a whole month without respite again.
All of those viewpoints have passed through my mind after our walk. During the walk, we were focusing on her thinking weekly would be good, and me thinking it was impossible. My justification - which she questioned - was that this is temporary. I will not be caring for my mother forever. Her needs are acute. Mine are... I don't think "obtuse" is the right antonym for that; maybe they are just more slow.
I kept thinking about this later, probably because she had pushed back (though that was more on the relationship issue, which was also fair). I likened it to triage; it makes sense that my needs can wait. Then I remembered that sometimes the criteria for triage decisions would be not just the urgency, but whether any real benefit is possible. Then maybe she wouldn't come first. If she has a few years and I have many, and I need to care for myself now to be able to enjoy those years, then what?
Of course you can't always know. In my darkest moments I imagine all of this stress building into a cancer inside me that takes me out shortly after my duties are done. That is morbid, not really aligned with my medical history, and kind of insulting to people who get cancer, though that never occurred to me until after I read Susan Sontag's Illness as Metaphor.
Without knowing the future, I do know me. I know what I believe about life and afterlife and how I feel. I know that to feel good about my decisions, I have to take good care of my mother, and try and make her life as good as possible. I also know that she forgets things, and resets. I still believe more good times and better engagement matters. But if I can be healthier - physically or mentally - there is also a value to that.
Yesterday's post was largely about receiving clarity. Today's is more about getting more muddled. Perhaps I put these posts in the wrong order. It is ultimately more to think about.
I have accepted an evening engagement for this Saturday. Not long ago I decided that I wouldn't do that. I didn't think about it when I said "yes", but I don't regret it. I don't know that I will do it often, but if there is one thing you learn with dementia, it's living in the moment. I have learned a lot about that.
And there is still a lot I don't know.
But Saturday I will see friends. Tomorrow I am going to get fresh air, and accomplish something I have wanted to do for a while. Although there will be a lot of people around, it will still be kind of a getaway. And I will be getting up early!
There are totally a few things that could go wrong, but I am not focusing on that.
Actually, one of my real concerns about this time of life is that I will permanently fall off of friends' radars. It would be fair, because I have not been good at keeping in touch. There have even been times where I tried and I sent messages out to people, and they were like "Long time no hear!", and then I didn't respond to that. So, if it happens, it was me, but I hope that won't be the case.
Anyway, I did respond to one friend, and she took me for a small hike in the general area of tomorrow's Turkey Trot, giving me a chance to get the lay of the land, and also a chance to unload.
I was able to talk and hike for all but the last upward stretch. I am not sure if that was because it was steeper or accumulated tiredness. Among all of the things that I wish I had more time for, I wish I had been walking more, but I am still doing pretty well and I'm just going to take it.
I had been thinking already that I should probably try and get two respite breaks per month so that I don't reach the breakdown phase. She thought I should go for one a week, so that I have something I am looking forward to every week.
I have toyed with that idea, because then maybe I could alternate having social times and alone times. I have also dismissed it as being too hard to work out, and then considered it as a good possible target because if weekly is my aim that should greatly decrease my possibility of going a whole month without respite again.
All of those viewpoints have passed through my mind after our walk. During the walk, we were focusing on her thinking weekly would be good, and me thinking it was impossible. My justification - which she questioned - was that this is temporary. I will not be caring for my mother forever. Her needs are acute. Mine are... I don't think "obtuse" is the right antonym for that; maybe they are just more slow.
I kept thinking about this later, probably because she had pushed back (though that was more on the relationship issue, which was also fair). I likened it to triage; it makes sense that my needs can wait. Then I remembered that sometimes the criteria for triage decisions would be not just the urgency, but whether any real benefit is possible. Then maybe she wouldn't come first. If she has a few years and I have many, and I need to care for myself now to be able to enjoy those years, then what?
Of course you can't always know. In my darkest moments I imagine all of this stress building into a cancer inside me that takes me out shortly after my duties are done. That is morbid, not really aligned with my medical history, and kind of insulting to people who get cancer, though that never occurred to me until after I read Susan Sontag's Illness as Metaphor.
Without knowing the future, I do know me. I know what I believe about life and afterlife and how I feel. I know that to feel good about my decisions, I have to take good care of my mother, and try and make her life as good as possible. I also know that she forgets things, and resets. I still believe more good times and better engagement matters. But if I can be healthier - physically or mentally - there is also a value to that.
Yesterday's post was largely about receiving clarity. Today's is more about getting more muddled. Perhaps I put these posts in the wrong order. It is ultimately more to think about.
I have accepted an evening engagement for this Saturday. Not long ago I decided that I wouldn't do that. I didn't think about it when I said "yes", but I don't regret it. I don't know that I will do it often, but if there is one thing you learn with dementia, it's living in the moment. I have learned a lot about that.
And there is still a lot I don't know.
But Saturday I will see friends. Tomorrow I am going to get fresh air, and accomplish something I have wanted to do for a while. Although there will be a lot of people around, it will still be kind of a getaway. And I will be getting up early!
There are totally a few things that could go wrong, but I am not focusing on that.
November 20, 2018
Introvert, and my love language is Chinese food
Okay, one of those things is a joke, but there is some pertinent information there too.
Actually my love language is physical touch. While it is not hard science, I find it a helpful paradigm. I find it more helpful than Myers-Briggs types or star signs, though I certainly know people who find those helpful.
(Actually, I'm not sure that anyone other than INFPs and maybe INFJs cares about Myers-Briggs results, and even the people with the best anecdotal backups for astrology can't seem to describe a Capricorn personality, so make of that what you will.)
When I say that I have gained insight over this last time period, most of that has been about what makes me tick, and what I need. A big part of that is that I am an introvert.
Remember, that primarily means that I recharge by having time alone. It's not that I don't enjoy people, or need social contact or hugs for physical touch, or that I don't get any value from time spent with other humans. Good conversation definitely feeds my soul. I still sometimes need to be alone.
I am not alone very much. As my mother reaches a place where she needs more active engagement, there is less alone time available. There are aspects of work to it where even an extrovert would get depleted eventually, but my introversion is a specific reason that I need to be able to get away sometimes. It makes sense, but I had never specifically identified it before.
One of the things that knowing this helps me understand is my complete failure at establishing a successful sleep pattern. I stay up late. I keep meaning to go to bed early so I can get up early and do things before my sisters leave for their jobs, but I keep staying up because after everyone else is in bed there is breathing room. That emotional space is mine. I still think early to bed, early to rise is a better policy, but I might have more luck trying to use my nights productively.
One of the ways I realized this is because of my growing cravings for Chinese food as I go between breaks. It didn't seem that unusual because I like Chinese food anyway; it's my favorite. However, historically I eat it alone.
For my younger sisters, Chinese food is Panda Express, which is to Chinese food pretty much as Taco Bell is to Mexican food. That's not to say that I won't eat it sometimes and even enjoy it, but ultimately our palates differ. Recently I had Chinese food with my mother and older sister. It's not that it was bad, but it didn't satisfy that need. That's when I realized that it was more about the solitude.
(I am still more likely than not to choose Chinese food, given the option.)
An important part of all of the realizations was the last respite time that was really successful, which I wrote about under the provident living blog:
https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2018/10/planning-for-pastimes.html
This was useful in a couple of ways. Coming exactly four weeks before the "breakdown", it gives me a pretty clear time indicator of when I really start losing function and hating everyone. I mean, I do feel myself getting more tired and discouraged and longing for death, but that only helps on a reactive level. Knowing the time frame can help me be proactive.
Also, it helped in that it was kind of perfect. I had Chinese food, at my favorite place for that. I. walked outdoors and got fresh air. I explored a place I had been meaning to check out. I had a book and got to do some reading. I do think that the eye problems made everything worse. Reading is the one thing that I still reliably get to do, and it was harder. It was important that I was alone, but without doing it deliberately, I modeled my perfect respite. Having that example really paved the way for understanding it, besides being good on its own.
Because it worked. I felt recharged after, and happy again.
Imagine how effective it could be to not push that off to the last minute.
Actually my love language is physical touch. While it is not hard science, I find it a helpful paradigm. I find it more helpful than Myers-Briggs types or star signs, though I certainly know people who find those helpful.
(Actually, I'm not sure that anyone other than INFPs and maybe INFJs cares about Myers-Briggs results, and even the people with the best anecdotal backups for astrology can't seem to describe a Capricorn personality, so make of that what you will.)
When I say that I have gained insight over this last time period, most of that has been about what makes me tick, and what I need. A big part of that is that I am an introvert.
Remember, that primarily means that I recharge by having time alone. It's not that I don't enjoy people, or need social contact or hugs for physical touch, or that I don't get any value from time spent with other humans. Good conversation definitely feeds my soul. I still sometimes need to be alone.
I am not alone very much. As my mother reaches a place where she needs more active engagement, there is less alone time available. There are aspects of work to it where even an extrovert would get depleted eventually, but my introversion is a specific reason that I need to be able to get away sometimes. It makes sense, but I had never specifically identified it before.
One of the things that knowing this helps me understand is my complete failure at establishing a successful sleep pattern. I stay up late. I keep meaning to go to bed early so I can get up early and do things before my sisters leave for their jobs, but I keep staying up because after everyone else is in bed there is breathing room. That emotional space is mine. I still think early to bed, early to rise is a better policy, but I might have more luck trying to use my nights productively.
One of the ways I realized this is because of my growing cravings for Chinese food as I go between breaks. It didn't seem that unusual because I like Chinese food anyway; it's my favorite. However, historically I eat it alone.
For my younger sisters, Chinese food is Panda Express, which is to Chinese food pretty much as Taco Bell is to Mexican food. That's not to say that I won't eat it sometimes and even enjoy it, but ultimately our palates differ. Recently I had Chinese food with my mother and older sister. It's not that it was bad, but it didn't satisfy that need. That's when I realized that it was more about the solitude.
(I am still more likely than not to choose Chinese food, given the option.)
An important part of all of the realizations was the last respite time that was really successful, which I wrote about under the provident living blog:
https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2018/10/planning-for-pastimes.html
This was useful in a couple of ways. Coming exactly four weeks before the "breakdown", it gives me a pretty clear time indicator of when I really start losing function and hating everyone. I mean, I do feel myself getting more tired and discouraged and longing for death, but that only helps on a reactive level. Knowing the time frame can help me be proactive.
Also, it helped in that it was kind of perfect. I had Chinese food, at my favorite place for that. I. walked outdoors and got fresh air. I explored a place I had been meaning to check out. I had a book and got to do some reading. I do think that the eye problems made everything worse. Reading is the one thing that I still reliably get to do, and it was harder. It was important that I was alone, but without doing it deliberately, I modeled my perfect respite. Having that example really paved the way for understanding it, besides being good on its own.
Because it worked. I felt recharged after, and happy again.
Imagine how effective it could be to not push that off to the last minute.
Breakdown
Yes, I'm still around.
I had a really bad week, though it was really more the week before last, when I was still keeping up with the blog (though they were more shallow, entertainment-oriented posts).
Regardless, things were hard, and blogging just couldn't be the priority. I did get some insights, though, and I will be writing about those.
I have been posting later and shorter anyway, and that is not a coincidence. There is more stress, and there are more demands on my time. I could manage time better, but it is not just a time management issue. There has been another reduction in attention span.
The most important thing to say may be that I cannot make any guarantees about the blog right now. I hope to keep it up, because it is something that I care about, and that I find satisfying, but it is also not top priority.
Prioritizing is a challenge. That will probably be more Wednesday's post.
For today (late enough to be slipping into tomorrow), there is a litany of brokenness; it is not just me.
My PC has been acting sluggish for a while. The monitor is starting to malfunction now too. Right now that means that control windows keep popping up. I can dismiss them, but they come back (the buttons are sticking), so I am shrinking windows and putting them in odd placements to make the popups less intrusive.
The bright side is that with having less time to be on the computer and the monitor issues, processing slowdowns seem to be happening less. They are at least less noticeable.
The webcam died too. I hardly ever use it, but I was in the middle of a teleconferencing study group, where I did need it. That was the least of my problems, because I had bought one really cheap cam years ago that I hated and never used, and that purchase finally paid off.
My regular camera still takes pictures, but I have not been able to upload them. I am pretty sure it is just the cable, which should be a cheap and easy replacement. I am still taking selfies, but I have to say that not posting them really dilutes the power of that whole process.
The other big issue was that my eyes were not working. I have been needing to fill my new prescription for some time. I am used to getting gradually more far-sighted, but my short-distance vision has now taken a nose dive. For reading I was alternating between doing it without glasses and with glasses but holding the book farther out, and other combinations of trying to get the best clarity, with a real need for bright light.
Being able to read is really important for me.
Fortunately, I was recently able to replace my glasses.
Unfortunately, the need to get that errand done, and within certain time constraints and needing to rely on other people, meant it killed the day that was going to be my first respite day in a month.
That's where it got really bad.
More on that later.
I had a really bad week, though it was really more the week before last, when I was still keeping up with the blog (though they were more shallow, entertainment-oriented posts).
Regardless, things were hard, and blogging just couldn't be the priority. I did get some insights, though, and I will be writing about those.
I have been posting later and shorter anyway, and that is not a coincidence. There is more stress, and there are more demands on my time. I could manage time better, but it is not just a time management issue. There has been another reduction in attention span.
The most important thing to say may be that I cannot make any guarantees about the blog right now. I hope to keep it up, because it is something that I care about, and that I find satisfying, but it is also not top priority.
Prioritizing is a challenge. That will probably be more Wednesday's post.
For today (late enough to be slipping into tomorrow), there is a litany of brokenness; it is not just me.
My PC has been acting sluggish for a while. The monitor is starting to malfunction now too. Right now that means that control windows keep popping up. I can dismiss them, but they come back (the buttons are sticking), so I am shrinking windows and putting them in odd placements to make the popups less intrusive.
The bright side is that with having less time to be on the computer and the monitor issues, processing slowdowns seem to be happening less. They are at least less noticeable.
The webcam died too. I hardly ever use it, but I was in the middle of a teleconferencing study group, where I did need it. That was the least of my problems, because I had bought one really cheap cam years ago that I hated and never used, and that purchase finally paid off.
My regular camera still takes pictures, but I have not been able to upload them. I am pretty sure it is just the cable, which should be a cheap and easy replacement. I am still taking selfies, but I have to say that not posting them really dilutes the power of that whole process.
The other big issue was that my eyes were not working. I have been needing to fill my new prescription for some time. I am used to getting gradually more far-sighted, but my short-distance vision has now taken a nose dive. For reading I was alternating between doing it without glasses and with glasses but holding the book farther out, and other combinations of trying to get the best clarity, with a real need for bright light.
Being able to read is really important for me.
Fortunately, I was recently able to replace my glasses.
Unfortunately, the need to get that errand done, and within certain time constraints and needing to rely on other people, meant it killed the day that was going to be my first respite day in a month.
That's where it got really bad.
More on that later.
November 16, 2018
Band Review: Leonard Sumner
The next three reviews were inspired by 150 Acts of Reconciliation, specifically step 44:
http://activehistory.ca/2017/08/150-acts-of-reconciliation-for-the-last-150-days-of-canadas-150/
Leonard Sumner is an Anishinaabe singer, songwriter, and MC from the Little Sasketchewan First Nation around central Manitoba.
Singer and songwriter get combined a lot, but it is less common to have them combined with MC. In the case of Sumner it makes sense. Sometimes he raps, but sometimes that sounds more like spoken word poetry. Sometimes he sounds more like a country musician, but really it is more roots music. All of that flows into and around each other on Sumner's two albums: Rez Poetry from 2013 and Standing in the Light from 2018.
At first I was surprised by the mix, but it feels natural, and it also ends up meaning that what needs to be said can be said in the most appropriate manner for the message. You can sing about the content in "I Know You're Sorry" and some have, but the cadence and tempo - including the pauses - are perfect for what they are. It takes multiple listens to notice the skill that is present in the delivery, because at first you can only feel the impact. The contrast of it then leading into the gentle wisdom of "The Ceremony" is even more pronounced.
Later it is possible to step back and marvel at the versatility, but first you need to feel the emotion. That there are both makes it really understandable that Sumner was chosen for inclusion on the list.
Listening then becomes a good choice. If non-Native listeners can sit with the discomfort that comes with acknowledging the wrongs - the genocide - then even listening to music can become an act of reconciliation. Not the only act needed, of course, but perhaps a good starting place.
http://www.leonardsumner.com/
https://www.facebook.com/leonard.sumner
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQ238KmdHQLSirj2gqc22UQ
https://twitter.com/LeonardSumner
http://activehistory.ca/2017/08/150-acts-of-reconciliation-for-the-last-150-days-of-canadas-150/
Leonard Sumner is an Anishinaabe singer, songwriter, and MC from the Little Sasketchewan First Nation around central Manitoba.
Singer and songwriter get combined a lot, but it is less common to have them combined with MC. In the case of Sumner it makes sense. Sometimes he raps, but sometimes that sounds more like spoken word poetry. Sometimes he sounds more like a country musician, but really it is more roots music. All of that flows into and around each other on Sumner's two albums: Rez Poetry from 2013 and Standing in the Light from 2018.
At first I was surprised by the mix, but it feels natural, and it also ends up meaning that what needs to be said can be said in the most appropriate manner for the message. You can sing about the content in "I Know You're Sorry" and some have, but the cadence and tempo - including the pauses - are perfect for what they are. It takes multiple listens to notice the skill that is present in the delivery, because at first you can only feel the impact. The contrast of it then leading into the gentle wisdom of "The Ceremony" is even more pronounced.
Later it is possible to step back and marvel at the versatility, but first you need to feel the emotion. That there are both makes it really understandable that Sumner was chosen for inclusion on the list.
Listening then becomes a good choice. If non-Native listeners can sit with the discomfort that comes with acknowledging the wrongs - the genocide - then even listening to music can become an act of reconciliation. Not the only act needed, of course, but perhaps a good starting place.
http://www.leonardsumner.com/
https://www.facebook.com/leonard.sumner
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQ238KmdHQLSirj2gqc22UQ
https://twitter.com/LeonardSumner
