Z.R. Southcombe's Blog, page 5

Embracing multipotentiality

Last week (or was it the week before?) I blogged about changing motivations, and how I am working through it. Well, I’m still working through it, which is only to be expected.

I’ve been thinking about the things that drive me, the things that excite me, and the things that had drawn me to previous endeavours. As I scroll through Instagram, I’m noticing things that trigger an ‘all lit up’ feeling (I have no idea how else to describe this, sorry!). As I’m writing this, I realise that I went through this exact exercise before I started writing for publication

Social Media and Comparison-itis

Last week I saw a post in one of the Facebook groups I belong to. One of my fellow members has a son who has decided to look into to how much screen-time adults have, on the belief that adults are on their phones more than children are.

Well. I do believe he was right. For pretty much as far back as I can remember, I’ve been dealing with anxiety, partly about perfectionism, and partly social comparison. Over the past year or so I have noticed that the social comparison part of this has gotten worse. I am finding it harder to see other people’s success or talent and be excited about it, like I used to. Now, it feels like competition. And I’m usually the loser.

I really, really don’t like this feeling. It was wonderful to see someone do something awesome and feel inspired, or just respond to their work as a reader/viewer. This space of judgement sucks.

Last time I was in this place, I worked on my self-acceptance, and this feeling went away. While I am trying the same approach this time, I’ve discovered that I need to work harder to get the same results.

So back to the experiment. We were asked to download a tracker app onto our phones (I’m on Android so got QualityTime) which shows our usage. The first day I had SIX HOURS of screen time. Imagine what I could have got done in the time that I was checking in on my phone? My average for the week so far (Sat – Thurs, so 6 days) is 4h 15m, with social media taking up about 2h of that time.

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Now, there is definitely value in social media. I have made some beautiful connections and very real friendships. It helps build my presence as an author / artist, and also helps sell my books. I can help other creatives out by sharing their work, too.

But do I really need to be on there for two hours a day? I don’t think so. Do I need to be researching, or checking emails, or getting advice from , or whatever it is I’m doing for another two hours? Definitely not.

I feel that this has something to do with the feelings of comparison-itis. If I am scrolling through other people’s highlights for so much time in a day, and reading or listening to other people’s advice (people who I deem are higher up the food chain), then maybe it’s only natural that this feeds into my social comparison.

Phase one of the experiment ends today, when we will send our stats in and get back suggestions to reduce our usage. I look forward to sharing my reduced usage time with you, and letting you know how I am feeling next week!

On squiggly journeys and a changing self

My writing journey began on the back of what could reasonably be called a breakdown. It was my second year in full-time classroom teaching, and I had some big emotional losses as well. On top of that, my depression and anxiety had not been diagnosed – and therefore had not been treated – so I wasn’t in a strong place to begin with.

In true Capricornian style, I was incredibly goal-driven; when I really wanted to achieve something, I would make sure that I did. My first goal was to have a publishing deal within 2 years (it took me 2 years and 3 months), and to publish 4 books a year (I published 3, plus 2 colouring books).

[image error]NZ Book Festival 2015 – 9 months into my publishing journey

But that year, I received some cutting criticism from an author ‘friend’. She was trying to be helpful, but I allowed her words to knock my confidence. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be brave enough to write fiction again. I turned to non-fiction, intending to give myself time to heal and get back into it, and found comfort in non-fiction.

It was easier than fiction. I wasn’t putting my heart on the line, or doing anything wildly new. I wasn’t experimenting with language, and as someone who became a strong essay writer I was comfortable with my skill level. It was valuable work (I Am An Artist and I Am A Writer were made to help others, and also supported kiwi creatives in the process). I could make a deadline and write to it. It kept me feeling like a writer.

At the same time, I returned to my painting practice. My brief stint in art school was far back enough in my past that I felt I could give painting another go. I was back in my comfort zone, feeling free from outside expectations, and enjoyed the immersive process that painting has for me.

[image error]Immersing myself in emotional, process-driven painting

I did get back to fiction, completing the 5th book in my children’s fantasy series, You Can’t Cure A Witch’s Curse, but even with my non-fiction I found it harder and harder to motivate myself. My confidence had picked up, I had 12 books’ worth of evidence behind me that I could do this, I was getting positive reviews for the most part, and I have supportive friends and family.

What on earth was going on?

I was reading Jonathon Hagger’s eBook on mindfulness when the change began to become apparent. Throughout my journey as a writer and artist, I had been on a parallel (and intertwining) journey of personal growth. I was rediscovering myself, and working on my mental health. A practice in mindfulness was a big part of this. Jonathon wrote that mindfulness is about being, not achieving.

I didn’t realise immediately, but this is what had happened to me. I was no longer as goal-driven as I had been when I set out on this journey: I had become a different person.

[image error]Finding pleasure in slowing down.

So if my motivations were no longer achieving a goal, then what were they? Honestly, I’m still working that one out! I’ve been journalling a bit, and the topic has been on my mind since the ‘eureka moment’, but I’m not quite there yet. It’s got something to do with helping others, something to do with being ‘in flow’, and a lot to do with what makes me happy; the process more than the product. I know it’s something I need to work out moving forwards, because the way I motivated myself as a goal-driven person will not work on my current self.

[image error]Journalling – January 2018

Zee’s Photo Challenge #1

I’ve been listening to some photography podcasts, and watching some YouTube videos. There’s a lot about settings you can change on a DSLRs that simply don’t apply to me, so I’ve been trying to pick out the information that does (mostly composition). With both my painting and my writing, the point (other than creative satisfaction) is to encourage the viewer to feel something, which is what I’m leaning towards with my photography. There’s also something Jane Thorne said in her interview for I Am An Artist, that she notices things that other people don’t necessarily see interest or beauty in (to quote, like “a gorgeous brick wall”). I hope that my photos can bring attention to some things that are otherwise overlooked.

Crit #1a: Drosera binata

1a: Drosera binata

I took this photo after a re-potting, as documentation of my sundew (Latin: Drosera) collection. They are very small plants, but the close up and focus tries to show how delicate the ‘dew’ (mucilage) is on the plant.

I think this could have benefited from an even closer shot, with a darker, simpler background. I am not sure how effectively I can do this when I eventually swap to my point-and-shoot camera.

 

 

Crit #1b: Ponsonby sapling

1b: Ponsonby sapling

I was sitting on a bench getting my earphones out when this little green thing caught my eye. This was actually the second of two shots – the first had too much debris close to the sapling, which drowned it out completely.

I like this shot. Slightly off-centre seems to work, even though it’s not quite rule-of thirds (Ro3) either. I think because the green is such a juxtaposition against the grey/brown, it doesn’t need to be in the centre / Ro3 to show that it is the subject.

 

Crit #1c: Hunua Falls

1c: Hunua Falls

This was about the third shot. I first took one over the railing off the falls, and thought that it’s no different to any other photo of the falls, so what’s the point? I already have some good photos from the last time I visited.

I remembered something I’d heard about giving context with foreground, so I tried keeping the railing in the shot, and was pleased with the outcome. When I look at this shot, I feel like I could be back at the balcony right there in the photo. I’m not sure if a flash illuminating the railing would have worked better – it does seem a bit dark.

On exploring point-and-shoot photography

I remember getting my first camera as a child. It was our first holiday to India at eight years old (I was born in India, but moved to New Zealand that same year so didn’t remember what it was like). My sister and I were both given these pink-on-pink Barbie cameras, and it was one of the presents I loved the most. The whole process of photography was exciting – finding things that interested me, framing the shot, hoping I hadn’t done anything wrong, and waiting to see how it turned out.

For me, photography has been just for fun, though like many I harbour a desire for professional skills. Like writing, I just never thought I’d be good enough (and also in this case, afford the gear), but this year I am moving forward in my own hands-on, experimental way. I am using 365Project as a way to encourage me to photograph every day, and will be signing up for the 100 Days Project for the same reason.

Thus far the photos I’ve taken have been digital photos taken on my phone, but I have bought an old 35mm film point-and-shoot camera off TradeMe (for non-kiwi readers, that’s our version of eBay), and am just waiting for the film to arrive. I look forward with a nostalgic glee to using an actual viewfinder, having to be creative with less control, and the cross-your-fingers-and-wait aspect of film photography. Fun times ahead!

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My new old film camera!

 

On allowing creative play even though I’m a ‘grown up’

As you will all know by now, I have recently established a new publishing company called Blue Mushroom Books (if you visit the About page you can read about why I started it etc.). Initially, this was to separate my fiction and non-fiction (i.e. personal writing and commercial writing), but it has also afforded me significant creative freedom.

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I feel that as long as I allocate time and energy to growing Blue Mushroom Books in alignment with its primary goal (i.e. sharing the awesomeness that is New Zealand), I am ‘allowed’ to do things with my personal creative practice that are just for fun.

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Creative letter making with washi tape, scrapbooking memory cards, and found art.

This year, prompted by fellow creative Catherine Mede, I have begun making flip books and sending letters. I bought some fun children’s puzzles and a Harry Potter snitch 3D model, as well as an old 35mm film point-and-shoot camera to eventually take over my 365project photos. And I picked up my ukuelel again! It’s been awesome to give myself permission to do these things – just for fun.

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‘Cause Harry Potter.

It also means some changes on this blog. It’ll be less writing focused (though to be fair I’m not sure how writing focused it was in the first place!) and more about whatever creative stuff I’m doing, reading, watching, or possibly a reflection. I certainly haven’t given up on fiction, so you’ll still hear about my books as they happen, but it will be more about my version of ‘the creative life’ than anything else.

I’m not sure how my newsletter will fit into all of this, or whether I’ll ever really get my YouTube channel off the ground, but for now I am enjoying the freedom – and learning – of play.

One Word 2018: Trust

For the last few years I have been using the idea of ‘one word’ as a type of New Year resolution. With my birthday so close to January 1st, I don’t usually do resolutions, but use my birthday as a day of reflection and planning. However, I embraced One Word and have found it helpful.

In my second year of One Word, I chose the word ‘sparkle’. This was a particularly good one because when I didn’t feel like I had any energy (or hope) it reminded me to find what little spark was there to hold on to.

Last year my unofficial word was ‘experiment’. My experiments have shifted my career path and my health significantly. While I still enjoy the wondrous, imaginative world of fiction, my career focus is on the factual wonders of the world, and I allow more time for creative play. I look after myself better and am firmer with my boundaries.

This year I settled on the word ‘trust’, which has meaning in several ways for me: to trust myself; to trust in my talents, intelligence, and creativity; to trust that everything happens for a reason; to trust others, especially in the light of current and upcoming collaborations; and to trust that life / my life has a purpose, even if it is one that I concoct for myself.

I wrote a letter to myself with these and other thoughts to pull out when I am feeling down, and it’s already been used so I am grateful to past Zee for doing it!

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Looking back and looking forward

Note: It’s been a while since I blogged, and you can expect my blog posts to be more sporadic in the coming year – with my generous use of Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, I find that I say a lot of what I want to say there. I haven’t yet decided how frequent my newsletter will be.

Every year is an interesting year: I find that what I am learning most of all is just to enjoy life, and allow myself to be myself.

This year, I decided to pull back from selling at markets so much, work less at the day job, and allow myself to have more time actually off. For a while I loved following Inger Kenobi’s idea of ‘Fun Fridays’, and Meg Kissack’s Couragemaker’s podcast has become a place to find voices of encouragement and wisdom. On social media, I have particularly appreciated the positivity of my dear friends Amanda Staley, and Jonathon Hagger.

The decision to sell less in person has obviously affected my sales – in fact, this year they’ve almost halved on the previous year – but I still feel like it’s been a successful shift in terms of my own wellbeing and happiness. A few years ago this was my New Year ‘resolution’ and it continues to be first and foremost in my decision making processes.

I signed up for the Auckland half marathon, and while I didn’t do as well as I had wanted to, I’m proud of myself for having done it, and for being able to do some fundraising for the Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand, a charity I feel very strongly about for many reasons.

I published I Am A Writer (Feb), Ramble On (Oct), and just yesterday picked up copies of the 2018 NZ Young Writers’ Anthology, Nature. Yay! There’s been less published this year (but still, three books!) because I’ve a) taken time off, and b) done a whopping 17 school visits, mostly supported by my lovely supporters on Patreon (learn more about this here).

These books reflect my move into non-fiction, especially with the launching of Blue Mushroom Books, which will include books from other authors. By having a press with a strong & clear focus, I am better able to decide which ideas I follow up on, and which ideas I let go for someone else to pursue. My own projects (the dollhouse book, The Train to Nowhere; (wo)manpower & other zines; The Caretaker Series) will have loose deadlines and will pretty much just be for my own enjoyment. I feel incredibly good about this decision.

So looking forward to 2018 is working more with other writers and celebrating the talented people and beautiful places of New Zealand through Blue Mushroom Books. For me personally it’s about continuing to peel off the layers to just be me, and allowing my own wonderfully weird brand of creativity.

 

Change or failure? A pep talk to myself

Changing direction can feel like failure. You know, we’re taught to stick to things and not give up, to persist, to be consistent. Giving up is like admitting that the challenge has beaten you; that you’re not made of strong enough stuff.

So if I change my mind – if I stop persisting and give up to try something else – does that mean I’m not made of strong enough stuff? Is it the same as giving up?

This reaction emerged when I sat down to write this blog post. Goodness knows how many times I’ve blogged about changes. Why can’t I just stick something out?

I’ve realised that the sweet spot between my skills and my passions is creative non-fiction (including, perhaps, working with other authors as a publisher). This is quite a move from children’s fantasy fiction, and involves a change of audience as well.

So is this just me following a shiny new idea because fiction has ‘beaten’ me? Is this just giving up in a blue mushroom disguise?

I hope not.

I only started writing about five years ago. I hadn’t written a word of fiction before that since intermediate school, so I pretty much dived in head first, and everything I’ve published has been in that five year window.

So how on earth could I have expected to know what I wanted from the start? I couldn’t. Of course there were going to be changes! I was writing stories that were personal and creative, playing with zines, testing collaborations – in a word, experimenting.

And what’s the whole point of an experiment? That you don’t know what the outcome will be. It might be to find out if something is true, or to discover something new. After five years of experimenting, I am closer to something that will work for me.

Of course, the experimenting isn’t going to stop. It’s a bit like editing. First, you check the story as a whole – does it make sense? Is it exciting and engaging? Then you get into finer and finer details. At the moment, I’m refining rather than all-out experimenting.

This isn’t me throwing in the towel. It’s evaluating the outcomes of my experiments to create a business that is fulfilling, rewarding, within my skill set (but still challenging), and revolves around something I am incredibly passionate about: the beauty and wonder of our natural world.

And it’s not to say I won’t ever publish fiction again. I have The Train To Nowhere still in the works, and I’m sure there’ll be some more chapter books in my future, too – you can’t get rid of me that easily!

I am not going to see myself as a failure because I am open to change. In the words of Walt Disney: “Progress is impossible without change.” I am a work in progress, and I am proud of my work.

Go forth & experiment.

A new direction: Focusing on Non-Fiction

I’m starting a new publishing company called Blue Mushroom Books. Everything is still a work in progress right now, but this is the story behind the move:

For love or money?

Some time ago, my writer friend and official encourager J. C. Hart put me in the direction of a book titled For Love or Money by Susan Kay Quinn. There seemed to a be a divide in the indie publishing space – either you wrote for the love of it (and made little or no money) or you wrote to trend, made lots of money, and were considered a sellout.

We all know that life is never that black and white, but Quinn’s book not only built a bridge between the two, it showed that really there was only one side to it. Quinn talked about an author’s ‘wheelhouse’, that is the strengths of an author; what is easy for them to do well. She said to take the skills in our wheelhouse and see what successful genre it may match (disclaimer: I read this aaaages ago, so I might not be 100% accurate, but this is the gist of it anyway).

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For Love or Money

From then to now

I’ve been thinking about my wheelhouse ever since. I’ve published a fairly wide range of books, and it’s been fun experimenting. Looking back, my mindset has shifted significantly. At first, I was in it to be a children’s author. I love reading children’s novels, so that’s what I wanted to write. I held children’s authors in high esteem. But I also tried wordless picture books, non fiction, zines, anthologies, and colouring books.

I loved writing those books, but I think I’ve got them ‘out of my system’, so to speak. Like, I’ve said what I needed to say. Now I’m just forcing myself to write more – and that’s not good for anyone. I enjoyed the colouring book art, but it wasn’t challenging enough to keep me interested long-term. The zines were also fun, and I intend to keep making them, but I only really played the publisher role so I wasn’t involved enough.

Crafternoon Tea, March 2017

My author wheelhouse

What I’ve realised is that my wheelhouse is semi-collaborative non-fiction. I just have so much fun with it! It’s fun discovering new things, it’s fun publishing other people’s work, it’s fun illustrating, it’s even fun formatting (except when it’s not, then it’s extremely frustrating).

I’m focusing on New Zealand. New Zealand is a fascinating place. We have a ridiculous number of native / endemic plants, animals, and fungi, and some places that are still largely untouched by humans. I’m learning about the weirdness of nature, and I get to share my fascination and excitement with other New Zealanders. I get to draw on the expertise of people who know more than me – people who may not otherwise be published – and describe the wonders that make New Zealand worth celebrating.

The extinct huia bird.

Blue Mushroom Books

I had a couple of options before this name was chosen. First was White Pine Press, inspired by the kahikatea (which interestingly, isn’t actually a pine) but that was taken. I then tried Pohutukawa Press, since the pohutukawa feels like a sign that I am home. That was taken, too. Recently, I’d heard about these blue mushrooms (entoloma hochstetteri) which are native to New Zealand, but also found in India (for those of you who don’t know, I am an Indian-born New Zealander). It seemed like a good fit.

And it wasn’t taken! I registered the domain straight away, and over the next week started building the logo and the book topics. I’d done Ramble On, and I will also be including I Am A Writer / I Am An Artist in the Blue Mushroom Books catalogue, as they are based in New Zealand.

Following on from these I’ll be writing about our plants, insects, fungi, sea and river creatures, slugs & snails, and a whole raft of other things. The leatherback turtle book will also be published with Blue Mushroom Books, as well as a picture book about our native carnivorous plant, drosera arcturii. I don’t know whether I’ll branch out to publishing other people’s work.

Obviously I’m only just starting out, but I’d appreciate if you could follow me on Instagram and Facebook where I’ll be posting interesting stuff about New Zealand’s natural world.