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Celebrate National Senior Citizens Day with Warren Adler!

August 21st is National Senior Citizens Day! Approaching his 90th year, Warren Adler has proven that your third act can be your best yet. Celebrate today with this beloved personal essay from Warren below…

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“Lying About My Age: A Reflection on Ageism” by Warren Adler

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I am seriously thinking about lying about my age. Of course it’s impossible. The internet has my age engraved in perpetuity.

I notice the difference immediately after my most casual face-to-face social revelation of the “number” – even if it is merely a reminder to my friends and my children. The change in expression is immediate, and the processing in the receiver’s brain, while subliminal, is obvious.

In a flash I have changed my status from respectful and collegial and transformed it suddenly to “over the hill,” someone to be tolerated, politely and diplomatically endured but no longer consequential. The reaction is typical and understandable. It is built into the life cycle, a generational flaw that carries few exceptions. It is hard to reeducate people to the notion that humans are not like socks, where one size fits all.

What I have begun to realize and which has motivated me to write this screed is that, whether deserved or not, one’s number reveals one’s category and my category and those of my peers sends the message of “tolerate but irrelevant.” It is a form of bias that closes the door on the wisdom that only first hand experience can convey.

The fact is that my “number” and upwards is shared by many people who are still very much involved, active participants in busy and arguably important human endeavors. We may be merely statistical survivors but we are still out there, a senior cadre of wisdom and experience that cannot and must not be consigned to the rubbish bin of contemporary history. We are still climbing the hill and are not yet at the summit heading downward.

We have witnessed the good and bad choices by politicians, journalists, academics, and various leaders in numerous other occupations that collude to create our culture. We have observed their many follies and their successes, have walked through the mountains of corpses of the last century, the stupidities of unworkable ideologies, and have seen the glories of science that have vastly improved our health, longevity and lifestyles.

In the U.S, there are six million in the number category of which I speak. Admittedly some of that group are incapacitated physically and mentally. But there are millions still in heavy involvement in contemporary life, contributing their experience, insight, imagination and creativity to make positive change in society.

There may be skeptics out there who believe I am offering conclusions based on narrow personal experience but I am willing to bet the barn there are millions out there who will testify that I am not alone in my assessment.

I am as active in my career as ever. My daily writing habits have not changed. I continue to write my novels, plays, poems and essays and do what writers do which is to conjure ideas, fashion them into stories and generally communicate the results to potential readers.

I do confess that I am not as agile or as flexible as when I was a 23 year-old soldier in the Korean War or as formidable as I used to be in other areas requiring more extreme physicality but I have not yet reduced my twice a week pilates exercises and can still claim a robust level in my fantasy life.

Nevertheless when I do honestly reveal my “number” to an inquisitive stranger, especially those of a younger demographic, I note an instant revision of their attitude and I am instantly reminded about every cliché about ageism that afflicts the culture from Charles Dickens’ “aged P” character in Great Expectations to the real life possibility of bureaucrats deciding end of life options.

Aged P, for those who don’t recall this wonderful masterpiece by Dickens, was the father of John Wemmick who instructs Pip how to socialize with his aged father “Nod away at him Mr. Pip, nod away at him if you please. That’s what he likes, like winking.”

Consider what can be learned from someone who has lived through the better part of the twentieth-century and on into the twenty-first, a witness to events that would seem to a millennial as beyond imagining. Indeed everything that has occurred in the long lifetime my number implies and having seen with my own eyes the ups and downs of the past offers lessons too invaluable to be dismissed on the basis of “tolerate but irrelevant.”

To throw that demographic of which I am a proud and lucky member on the rubbish heap of irrelevance is a critical mistake. Technology may radically change many things but personally witnessed and lived through experience tells us that human nature, however we manipulate and extend life, however we attempt to change the rules of human engagement, however much we destroy and, hopefully rejuvenate our environment, however long our planet can remain populated by the human animal, our basic nature with all its contradictions and propensity for good or evil will remain the same imperfect specimen.

I can hope only that this message resonates beyond the periphery of the words in this issue. Instead of “tolerate but irrelevant” perhaps those who bear my number and beyond should be regarded with the frame of “listen, consider, and learn.”

Oh yes, my category. I was born seven months after “Lucky Lindy” made his solo flight over the Atlantic to Paris. It was a helluva year. You do the math.

Check out Warren Adler’s short story collection, ‘The Sunset Gang,’ which was adapted into the beloved mini-series on PBS that garnered Doris Roberts an Emmy nomination.

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Chris Holm

Before I became a writer, I was on another path entirely, working toward a PhD in infectious disease research. It was interesting enough, I guess, but I was unfulfilled. Science wasn’t so much my passion as it was something I fell into. Early aptitude led to advanced placement, which in turn led me to an easy choice of college majors, and the next thing I knew, I was in grad school. The truth is, I was sleepwalking, doing what was expected of me because I was too afraid to admit what I really wanted. Ultimately, I decided I couldn’t allow the arc of my life to be determined by a test I took in fourth grade. Like a lot of folks, I always said I’d one day write a novel. Eventually, I got sick of waiting for that day to come. I dropped out of grad school, got a job, and started writing. Aside of marrying my wife—who, it should be noted, was supportive and/or crazy enough to encourage me to embark upon this journey—it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Through writing, I found not only my voice, but also a tribe of wonderful, like-minded people whose friendship means more to me than I can say.

www.chrisholmbooks.com

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Tess Gerritsen

Why do I write? I think I owe it all to my mother, an immigrant from China. Although her command of English was shaky, she did enjoy American horror films, and I spent many happy hours as a child, screaming my head off in movie theaters. I thought the height of entertainment was to scare your audience, and I began to see the world as a place where the strange and unexpected happens. Once you start looking for the darkness in the world, you begin to see disturbing stories everywhere. The mother who vanishes. The house with the thick curtains. The man who lingers on your street. These stories intrigue me and scare me, and writing them is a way I deal with my own fears — by sharing them with others.

http://www.tessgerritsen.com/

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Marcus Sedgwick

When I was a young man I had a desire to do something creative, but I didn’t know what that thing was. I tried various outlets to express myself: I painted, I made wood cuts and wood engravings, I taught myself to carve stone. I sold a few pieces but something was missing, and that thing was writing. When I first seriously gave writing a chance (I’d only dabbled up to this point) I found a mechanism for expressing myself without which I would have led an emptier, less fulfilled life. Writing has given me so much, I (ironically) cannot put it into words…

http://www.marcussedgwick.com/

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Pia de Jong

I began writing in the middle of a single sweltering midsummer night in the year 2004 and have not stopped writing since. I had spent the previous years in fear for our newborn daughter Charlotte, who had been diagnosed with a severe leukemia. But to our amazement and delight Charlotte went into spontaneous remission. It felt as if we had been struck by lightning twice – first by her disease, then by her recovery.

My rational self did not know how to deal with all of this, but I discovered that my writer’s mind, which came from a different place altogether, did know.

With words I wove a protective coat. The words also became the building blocks to shore up my new, much more fragile existence. They also freed the stories I had kept inside, they unlocked my narrative. I found a rampart from which I could unfurl my flag. Eventually I found renewal in the richness of ideas hiding in me.

I still remember that night that I discovered writing, shivering in the middle of summer, writing my name on the back of an unopened envelope with the tip of a dried-up fountain pen.

That was the night I became a writer.

Pia de Jong’s memoir, Saving Charlotte: A Mother and the Power of Intuition, was published in July by W.W. Norton.

https://piadejong.com/

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The Wonders of Age

Yesterday I was lucky enough to speak to a classroom of eager students at The Center for Living and Learning here in NYC. This extraordinary group of people were all seniors. As in senior citizens. Wednesday’s class, “The Wonders of Age,” was an hour and a half of joy, wonder and bittersweet understanding.

I’ll be 90 in December, so I guess they wanted to hear from a real-life dinosaur like me  A big thanks to Dr. Thomas G. Voss and Judy Langer for having me.

Positivity is key and I made sure to keep my lecture on a positive slant. We’ve all had enough troubles in our lives. I didn’t feel it was necessary to dwell on the negative. That being said, I wasn’t there to weave a web of sugar-coated lies. I always like to be frank, so I didn’t beat around the bush either.

Folks are constantly asking me what my secrets to healthy aging are. I never know how to fully answer that. Part of it is luck and the other part is will. I refuse to become irrelevant. It takes work, but believe me, it is worth it. Take a class. Learn something new. It’s never too late.

I advised the students to record their histories for their future generations to learn from. It could be recorded on audio or written down, but it’s important to keep that thread going. My one regret is that I didn’t ask my parents or grandparents about their lineage and family background. Don’t let those treasures get buried over the years.

I love hearing other people’s stories so the Q&A portion of the seminar was one of my favorite parts of the day. It was enlightening to share thoughts and listen to others. When a few people asked me about The War of the Roses, the topics of divorce and materialism came up.

We spoke about adolescent dreams that for some had dissipated. I never let my dream die and I encourage you to do the same. Retirement, as Judy Langer mentioned, is a great time for people to dive back into pursuing their true passions.

One student shared her experience with ageism, where her own doctor spoke to her children about her own diagnosis as though she wasn’t in the room, after I shared what I encountered while on vacation with my sons. I recall the frustration I felt when people talked over my head, assuming a conversation about fitness would have no room for me in it. She didn’t take it sitting down. She changed doctors. You have a voice – never let stereotyping or ageism silence your voice. Someone else shared an epiphany he’d had that altered the way he thought about himself. You’re never too old to have a realization that can awaken and shake up your perspective. Keep an open mind.

To top it off, at the end of the class they surprised me with cupcakes and lit birthday candles, singing an early “Happy Birthday” to me.

I felt like I made a group of new friends who all understood what each other was going through and I couldn’t be more grateful.

All the best,

Warren Adler

 

 

 

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Estelle Laure

I began writing because I got too full to hold everything in. I tried. Went for years without any outlet except some occasional extravagant baking. I can’t cut straight, can’t so much as draw a stick figure. My hands are useless for fine art. Writing sometimes isn’t much better.

When asked what his favorite part of writing was, I once heard an author say, “having written.”

When the words go from thought to hand to screen, something is released. It’s a grapple. What comes out is often weakness and pain. Faced with my own limitations the writing winds up being a matter of patience and tenacity, striking a balance between taming something and giving it room to breathe.

I am grossly imbalanced.

Like I said. Can’t build. Can’t science. Can’t sing.

What I can do is remember. I remember exactly what it was like to be a teenager. I can feel in my bones what it was like to love a boy who didn’t love me back, the first betrayal wedged in my belly, the friendships that were simultaneously malignantly tumorous and blessings of flickering, ecstatic light. Everything filtering in extremes of bright and dark. When I’m too full and I need to let something out, when those thoughts exit through my fingers and appear on the page, even with all the difficulty, even in the fight, there is a great relief, as though finally, finally, in the remembering, I will be able to rest.

http://estellelaure.com/

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The “Veddy” Formal Dinner Party: Some Harrowing Hints

“‘The ‘Veddy’ Formal Dinner Party’ is a satirical piece I wrote that was originally published in 1977 in Washington Dossier, the society magazine for the nation’s capital from 1975-1991 run by my wife and eldest son. Every page in the magazine reveals a different nuance of life during that era – revisiting this piece brought back a lot of fond memories. I couldn’t wait to share it with you and I hope you enjoy it.” -Warren Adler

And now we come to the litmus test of Washington society standing, the environment when real reputations are made or broken… The “veddy” formal dinner party.

If you blow this, all your dreams of grandeur, all those fantasies of power, all those grasping years of hunting for true glory, will come crashing down around your ears as if Samson himself had moved the pillars and you were left to rot among the dying Philistines.

The “veddy” formal dinner party is an event so rigidly choreographed and disciplined that one false move, the tiniest “faux pas” such as merely lifting the wrong fork will set you back so far you may never retrieve yourself, even if everything you do from then on will be absolutely correct.

There are two firm rules that you should adhere to if your expertise at these events is faulty. The first is to remain absolutely alert. If necessary take a nap before attendance. You will need all your faculties. Secondly, watch the hostess. She is the mastermind behind this entire event. Pray that she knows her onions. Assume that she does, then copy her. Do what she does. Watch her fingers. Pick up the utensils she picks up. Eat when she eats. Turn when she turns. When she sips, you sip. When she cuts her meat, you cut your meat. Do not get waylaid, no matter how interesting your partner’s conversation gets. Hope your peripheral vision is perfect.

Just in case you tend to short spans of concentration, let us take you through the ritual as if someone frightfully snobbish, a monitor, is standing over your shoulder. Let us assume that the invitation is correct and that you have replied correctly. You have circled the date. You have chosen your gown or formal dress suit and remembered to take it out of the cleaners.

If the invitation says come at eight, you have ten minutes of lead time only, depending on your rank. If you are a cabinet minister, fifteen minutes late is obligatory. There are only twelve of those so the chances are you are outranked before you depart.

Don’t be later than ten minutes. Your apologies will only earn you demerits. If you have not got a chauffeur, be sure you find parking early enough so that you and your companion can arrive together. A drop off could earn you a demerit. Always enter together. That way it will seem as if you have arrived by chauffeured limousine.

You will be greeted in the vestibule by a butler. He will show you the placement chart or wheel little cards placed around an imaginary table. Do not take the card from its rack. Do not groan or show any emotion when you learn who will be your dinner partner.

Even if you hate your dinner partner and the butler is not looking, do not change the arrangement. There are other place cards on the table. Suspend your animosities even if, by some accident, you are placed next to your wife’s lover or your husband’s mistress or your ex-wife. There can be no mortal enemies at dinner parties. Everybody must speak, even those who are not speaking.

If it is not raining and you are a woman, do not go to the ladies room for a touch up upon arrival. It implies insecurity. The objective is to appear totally secure and cool at all times. Perform your ablutions immediately before leaving for the party.

Always greet the hostess first, even if one of the guests is your long lost mother, the hostess is the star. She will be waiting to receive. A two cheeker is an appropriate greeting. Greet the host next. If you are a man do not even give him a one cheeker. The host will probably introduce you to all the guests. Don’t let your eyes wander looking for the bar. A waiter will pass drinks. Take only one and sip slowly. Remember that alertness counts. There will be enough wine served to float a battleship.

The pre-dinner cocktail is a half-hour sometimes 45 minutes. It is the time to be complimentary only. Everybody must feel beautiful, well turned out. The hostess will be showing off her best crystal glasses and china, and you will be obliged to show yourself off to your best advantage. If any of the guests are tacky and ugly, lie to them.

You are not before a congressional committee. Everyone should stroke everyone else. From your earlier peek at the chart, you should have remembered your dinner partners on your left and right. If you haven’t don’t run back downstairs to find out. Hope that your dinner partners recognize you. If both have forgotten, stay cool. You will find out soon enough.

When you run out of compliments, the weather is appropriate for conversation. Save the choice morsels for the dinner itself (you will need every conversational resource you can muster. You will be trapped with your partner for nearly two hours.) Don’t try to bridge this gap by calling your hostess in advance to find out who will be your dinner partner. That will finish you before you start and you might be uninvited.

Getting to the dinner table will not be intimidating if you watch the hostess. She will announce the beginning of the party by walking to the dining room on the arm of the ranking guest. Follow her casually. Hopefully, you can find your place without putting on your glasses, but that is highly unlikely no matter how much you remember about the seating plan. Ladies are seated first. The gentlemen stand until all the ladies are seated. This is the easiest part of the ritual if you can tell the men from the women.

Now comes the hard part: identifying all those forks and spoons and glasses arranged like soldiers around the center plate. The napkin will be simple. There is only one of those. Some of the utensils will appear quite strange. It’s not like a table setting at a restaurant, and the chances are unless you’ve been secretly practicing it will not be the kind of table setting at your usual home meals.

Knowing forks is the most critical piece of information at this juncture. This is because the fork will be the kick-off utensil. When in doubt, watch the hostess. If she’s an amateur the entire dinner will be a disaster, and you may lose brownie points because of guilt by association, a familiar Washington malady.

Start the conversation with the person on your right. Turn when your hostess turns to the person on her left. The hardest part is making conversation. There could be a spill-over of the compliments. When in doubt or at a loss for words, name drop shamelessly and hope that your partner might know some of the names you drop. You can then gossip about third parties by transferring the compliments to them.

There are of course certain dos and don’ts on conversation. At a diplomatic party, watch out for human rights. If you are Jewish at an Arab dinner avoid religion. If you are a democrat at a republican dinner avoid politics. If you are a white at an African-American dinner avoid race. Sex is fine, but avoid mixing it with either the fish or the meat dishes. Movies are good as last resorts before name dropping. If you are dissatisfied with the president do not attack him, attack his press secretary or even Bert Lance. They are used to it. If you like the president and supported him in the election, slip in “Jimmy” occasionally when referring to him.

Do not tell off-color jokes. Time your anecdotes. If they run over two minutes shorten them. Avoid body contact with your partner especially under the table. Save any seduction sequence for a cocktail party.

The easiest place to become thoroughly bombed is at a formal dinner party. The wine never stops coming and it comes in every color. Chassagne-Montrachet with the opening seafood course. An old Madeira with the soup, Meursault with the fish. A fine Chateau or a Burgundy with the meat course and vegetables, Dom Perignon with dessert. Every sip will be quickly replaced.

Since you will be so busy watching the hostess, finding things to say to your partner, searching for the right fork or spoon, eating between conversations, worrying about slighting the dinner partner on either side by forgetting to divide your time, being nervous at the prospect of being called upon to make a toast, you will sometimes forget that the wine is still coming and wonder why your glass never empties.

This could have a domino effect, especially on your kidneys. It will not be easy to remove yourself from the table while the dinner is progressing. Even a full bladder could be interpreted as a flaw.

If you have not paced yourself, you can be either drunk or exhausted by the time dessert rolls around. But if you have arrived at this point with success you had better clear your head. Dessert can ruin you.

Before it is served you will be confronted by an odd little dish, it will be filled with liquid floating with a piece of lemon. It will be served on a plate and under the little bowl will be a doily.

Do not drink this liquid, even if it looks appetizing. Hostesses can be testing your mettle. Repeat: Do not drink. It is a finger bowl. But once you have hurdled that obstacle, another will immediately confront you. This is because you must now remove the finger bowl from the plate. That is the easy part. The problem is the doily. You see, the plate where this doily sits will quickly be used for some mushy variety of dessert, generally a mousse. Since you must serve it yourself from the waiter’s serving plate you can easily smear it all over the doily. Such a ”faux pas” is worthy of a flunking grade on its own. You must remove the doily from the plate with the finger bowl.

Some people have been observed placing the dessert in the finger bowl thinking it is some kind of sauce. Normally they die of mortification right at the dinner table.

Having reached this point without a hitch, you are probably thinking you have weathered all problems. Forget it. There are minefields ahead. First, there is the champagne. It will be served with the dessert. But watch out. It is strictly for the toasts. Others will argue that point. Don’t listen. Save it for the toasts. Do not fake it. If you are a teetotaling Muslim or a member of AA, lift your water glass. People will understand. If you are not one of these, lift your champagne glass and drink from it. Remember you are always under scrutiny.

Getting through the toasts will provide many anxious moments. Sometimes everyone at the table must make a toast. It is catching, like a virus. After you finish your dessert you will hear a light bell-like tinkle. It is the sound of silver on crystal. It is not the host showing off the fidelity of these articles, nor is it a signal to depart the table. It is merely an attention getter. The toasts are about to begin.

The methodology of toasts is quite rigid. The host will toast the guest of honor if there is one or the entire assembly or the country, or God, if he is so disposed. He will, of course, be complimentary, especially to the assembled guests who will be characterized as beautiful, especially the women, brilliant, especially the men, and warm, compassionate, friendly, all those things you secretly think about yourself. Don’t get carried away; “the devil” himself will come off as God’s equal in goodness.

The problem is in the response. If a country is mentioned, the ranking member of the government must rise and offer his own compliments. If any of the guests are mentioned by name, they too must rise but after the ranking government official. If the host’s toast is to the guest of honor, he or she must rise in response.

At diplomatic dinner parties, heads of state are woven into the toasts. You could easily find yourself toasting ldi Amin or Menachem Begin even if you are an Arab. Or King Hussein if you are Jewish or the Turkish prime minister if you are Greek. Do it. Nobody cares. Love everybody.

There will be much standing and raising of glasses. Your problem will occur when you are expected to make a toast. Especially if you are totally unprepared or drunk and up to now are hiding it well. Or you have indigestion. You cannot get away with it. People will notice the absence of your toast.

If you can manage to get your tongue loose, these simple pointers will stand you in good stead. By the time you rise, every conceivable subject will be covered except the chef and the parents of the host and hostess. This is absolutely safe ground. People will think you are clever, certainly unique. After all, without parents where would the host or hostess be, and without a chef the whole evening would not have occurred in the first place. Even if an outside caterer is used and you have seen his truck in the back driveway, make believe you haven’t.

After the toasts, the host and hostess will lead you to a sitting room for coffee and after-dinner drinks. There is still a great deal of confusion about the proper way to handle this. Before women’s lib, it was perfectly appropriate to separate the men from the women, the women to freshen up and have coffee with the hostess, the men to stay at the table for brandy and cigars with the host.

If you have what the movement calls a “raised awareness,” you will be torn no matter your gender. It would be a shame to have gone this far and ruined everything by making a political stand. There is only one way to finesse this. Start with the group of your own sex, then “freshen up,” drifting back to the group formed by the opposite sex. If you are a woman, do not smoke a cigar. Eccentricities are fine except at dinner parties, where what is outside the norm is considered tacky.

There is one more admonition. If you have retained your alertness through all this, and it is most unlikely, the timing of your departure is crucial. If you leave before the honored guest, no matter how pressed for time, you have probably cancelled your next invitation. Equally terrible would be to stay too long. Be deft. Watch your footwork and never stay beyond one hour after dinner. Even that might be too much, depending on your perception of the stamina of your host and hostess who will undoubtedly escort you to the door.

You may repeat the two cheeker with the hostess and the host if you are a woman. If you are a man, you may be tempted to give the host a two cheeker. You, by then, will be ecstatic that you have made it through the night and sincerely wish to show your affection. Don’t.

Leave with your companion. Walk slowly to the old Volks parked behind the big Mercedes a few blocks away and speed merrily home. Do not yell for joy until you have gotten out of your host’s neighborhood. If you have been perfect you will have reason to celebrate. If you have not been do not get depressed. You were probably a last minute choice anyway.

For a closer look check out The Washington Dossier Diaries available here.

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Lawrence Block

I was 15 when I first considered becoming a writer, and from that moment on I never seriously considered anything else. It seemed to me that this would be something I could do reasonably well, and that I would find it satisfying and fulfilling. I was conveniently unaware of the odds against succeeding in the profession, which was probably to my advantage. I wasn’t all that daring a youth, or all that persistent. I’ve since read about writers who wrote ten or fifteen or twenty books before they got anything published, and I don’t think I’d have stayed with it anywhere near that long.

Happily, I didn’t have to. By the time I was 19 I was selling stories to magazines, and a year later I had written and sold a novel, and I’ve been doing this ever since. My youthful fantasies didn’t include wealth beyond the dreams of avarice, which is just as well, as writing never did make me rich. Nor did it get me laid all that often, which was high on my youthful-fantasies list.

I can’t think of a better way to have spent my life.

http://lawrenceblock.com/

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Our Exclusive Interview with ‘Heart of Gold’ Narrator Steve Ogden

This week we’re shining a spotlight on Steve Ogden, the audiobook narrator of Heart of Gold, Warren Adler’s bestselling new historical thriller about a mysterious inheritance that reveals dark secrets from the past.

Click to listen to the interview below:

What do you look for in a project?

I like projects with a diverse cast of characters sparking off each other.

Is there a particular genre you gravitate towards?

I guess I’m drawn toward action stories more than anything else, but it’s nice if it has a good bit of character development and drama, so that I have more to work with as an actor.

What initially drew you to Heart of Gold?

I was lucky enough to have been contacted by Warren Adler’s people who had come across my other work on Audible through ACX.com. The story had a lot going for it – the diverse cast of characters, a good bit of action, and some good scenes of drama and character moments, and was pretty hard to resist. It’s one of those books that is a little like watching an exciting movie.

Tell us a bit about your background.

My background as a vocal performer comes from being a singer in several bands in my misspent youth. When I read, I treat the narration and dialog like lines of a song. You really use the same muscles and techniques. It’s all expression and pitch and phrasing. Add to that the possibility of inhabiting characters with different speaking styles and accents, and it’s a lot of fun.

What inspired you to become an audiobook narrator?

I was inspired to get into audiobook narration specifically by hearing Neil Gaiman’s read of Stardust a few years back and I guess you could say I was hooked. From there, I discovered a bunch of compelling audiobooks that I have really enjoyed listening to, and re-listening to, and getting lost in those stories. I can look back on that as a moment when I thought – yeah- I want to do this! I wanted to give other people the same experience I’ve had listening to audiobooks. That’s why I do it.

What was the most unexpected thing about narrating audiobooks that you didn’t foresee going in?

Before I started a few years ago, I didn’t realize how much time was involved. Maybe, if a book is 12 hours long or whatever, I assumed that was just how much time the book took to produce. You know, some actor went into a booth for a couple of six-hour days and voila, all done! I assumed there would be some editing, but not much.

At least the way I do it, it’s not like that at all. I record for an hour, and then spend another hour or two editing to get 30 minutes of finished, polished audiobook performance. It’s getting better as I do it more, but getting a good product out of it is pretty time-intensive. At least for me.

Is there anything you learned about yourself or life in general after completing production of Heart of Gold?

Funny – I was just thinking about this – during the recording and production of Heart of Gold, I realized just how much I enjoy doing audiobooks and although I have a perfectly fulfilling job, I would be perfectly happy to just create audiobooks as my full time job for the rest of my career.

That wasn’t really something I expected to ever think.

What are the top three pieces of advice you would give to an aspiring voice-over artist?

I’m far from an expert, but here’s what I wish someone had said to me before starting:

1. Be patient. It took the author a really long time to get every word right. You’re not going to come in and be One-Take Charlie. You will have redos. You will make mistakes and mispronounce words, and breathe in the wrong place, and cough. You have to go back in and fix those things. So patience is a virtue.

2. Get clean audio. The cleaner your read is, the better your final product will be. That means not trying to record right after a meal – but also not if you’re too hungry – or you get mouth noises and all sorts of noises. It means not trying to record on a pretty spring day when your neighbors are mowing the lawn, which you can still pick up through the walls. And it means recording in a room that has as little background noise as possible.

You can cure a lot of ills with editing tricks and noise-reduction plug-ins, but the less of that stuff you have to do, the better, because it’s really time-consuming. So, a clean read up front is best.

3. Don’t read. Perform. This is the big one. Anyone can read words off a screen. The trick is not to let them sound like words on a screen. You have to inhabit the characters, and remember even the narrator is a character. You have to become them in a way. Their hopes and dreams and desires become yours, and once you allow that to happen, it gets a lot easier to put the right em-PHA-sis on the right syl-LAB-le. Or something.