Mark Steel's Blog, page 2

When it comes to Brexit, British interference got us into this mess

In any case, Boris Johnson knows for a fact the Russians have no interest in winning influence in Britain, because he accepted £160,000 from Russian oligarch Lubov Chernukhin to play her at tennis

Wearing masks from 24 July is a great idea. There is no point whatsoever in rushing

This strategy totally makes sense. if a swimming pool attendant notices a Great White Shark in the pool, it's important they make sure everyone gets out of the water in a week's time

Care homes are totally to blame for all the coronavirus deaths. It's their fault for following government advice

They did it themselves, the idiots. They probably served up bowls of coronavirus instead of custard, and told residents if they had a tickly cough, they should relax in the bath while cuddling an electric fire

Lockdown is now based on our cravings. So when we go down the boozer this weekend, we can say we're doing it for England

I'm sure everyone will stick closely to the rules that no one is sure of. Even if they don't, managers are planning with the utmost care, one even has plans to 'see how it goes'

The 4th July is now Boris Day, where we celebrate what a fantastic job our prime minister has done

On this day forth, children will dance in a circle and cough in praise of our heroic leader who single-handedly mopped up the virus in a huge dishcloth and squeezed it over France where it belongs

Thank God Dominic Raab is here – we might never have known the real reason Colin Kaepernick took a knee

Black Lives Matter has only been the leading global story for weeks. You can't expect him to be as well informed as footballers and almost everyone else in the world already

Toppling the Colston statue saved the council a hefty removal fee – protesters should send them an invoice

After a few more decades of meetings and petitions, it would have been removed by a hired building firm anyway

Trump seems to think it's essential to be violent against people who are peacefully complaining about violence

To be fair, the president and his supporters may have a point – otherwise the streets will be full of peaceful people, and no one can tolerate that as it could lead to violence

Now it's our turn to start making up outlandish stories every time we want to break the rules

'The reason I went to a barbecue on the beach with 30 mates was to see if my toothache had got better so I could look after my goldfish'

Johnny Foreigner's days taking advantage of are over. You've saved our lives, now fork over the cash

While we're at it, let's extend the health surcharge to other parts of our lives. If your immigrant plumber shows up on time and fixes your radiator, charge him for having the cheek to keep his word