Steffan Piper's Blog, page 7

The 9 worst pieces of writing advice I’ve ever heard

I'm usually an incredibly positive person and I don't like to focus on the negative, but when it comes to bad advice, it's usually something that you're unlikely to forget and you'll think about often when you discover it was rank and had you fooled. Here's my shortlist:


1. If you sign with AmazonEncore, you’ll have no career. You will be blacklisted by the publishers.
I heard this quite a bit back in 2009, and I was perplexed by it as well as troubled by the lack of sight in some of my writing colleagues. Not only has it not proven to be true, but the opposite has been achieved. AmazonEncore treats me like Samuel Beckett or James Joyce. My relationship with my publisher is closer to a positive familial one, rather than one of a cog in the machine. Other publishers would be wise to take a cue from them.
When I decided to sign with AmazonEncore, I had another deal on the table from a traditional publisher. I have never once regretted my decision, and if the Big 6 wants to stop me from having my books placed on the first few tables inside the door at Borders and Barnes & Noble … oh, wait a minute …
2. You should keep submitting to Agents and go the traditional route. If your work is good, someone will pick you up.
If I had listened to that piece of wisdom, I wouldn’t be here today. I would still be submitting to the already, grossly-overwhelmed agents who receive upwards of 500 queries per week. A few years back, an article lifted the rock on this nasty truth and the world hasn't been the same since. No human in the world can manage that, thus the likelihood of being ‘discovered by an agent’ – whatever that means, is highly unlikely, regardless of how ‘good’ one is. There will always be a place for them in the new world, but in all honesty, I’m focusing more on ‘my own place’ instead. Our time in life is limited, I say use it wisely.
3. You need to get an MFA in Creative Writing for anyone to take you serious or for your work to have any kind of lasting merit or depth.
Really? A single piece of paper will distinguish me, where 400 will not? My years of writing and my many novels, published and unpublished, somehow are less than without it? That makes absolutely no sense.
While many have gleaned much satisfaction from MFA programs, and many are worthwhile, for some it is not a necessary step in the pathway. It is a personal endeavor, not one dictated by a board of pencil-pushing bureaucrats. If this rankles you, be rankled. I sleep just fine. Some people need 12 Step programs and self-help, some of us don’t. Some of us have already had a bellyful. Some experiences in life that are rejuvenating to some, are like battery acid to others.
You can gain the experience you need from seeking out equally qualified people who are all around you. Editors, educated readers and thoughtful professors who are likely a complement of your own life will serve you, as they have served other writers since time immemorial. Friends are always to be avoided, as well as family, but this world we live in has many editors at the ready if you’re only willing to seek them out.

MFA's are for some, but not for all. Some people aren't really there to master the craft, let's be honest.
4. Literary Fiction is a waste of time, you need to write about Vampires, Wizard Schoolsand Pirates. You won’t make any money and you’ll never get decent reviews.
I write what I feel is important and while writing genre material for some is life-blood, it is not the course for all of us. I don’t knock it. I read it, too. For me, I have to write what I feel is important to readers who long for stories that are raw, close to the bone, from our own life and experience, as well as emotionally gripping, moving and heart-breaking.  While I would love to reap the rewards of commercial fiction, it is not my direction.
My readers love what I have for them and the emails and hand-written snail mail letters I receive, where they spill themselves and tell of a similar upbringing ring loudly which both justify and actualize my writing career.
5. You need to keep rewriting that book several more times before moving on to the next thing.
I once read in Publisher’s Weekly the story of the man that had written a book in 1978 and then kept revising and re-writing it because he didn’t think Agents and Publishers would like it. He was convinced, by himself and a small group of people, other Agents mostly, that he needed to re-write it and did so until the late 90’s. The book was published, released, and no one gave a damn.
He thought of his work as the New American Bible, and in my mind that is the absolute last thought you want to hold in your mind regarding your work. Yes, don’t approach the work lightly, but keep your sense and bearing at all times.

The sad truth is, I would've likely read and enjoyed the earlier story and found it gripping but likely been bored by the over-polished product at the end of it. 
Getting stuck in re-write hell is no place to be. Nothing is perfect, but the truth is – you already have every single sentence and situation inside of you, it’s struggling to bust out and break free onto the page. Your mind already knows the direction that the ship needs to travel. Don’t interfere. Write like you believe in yourself and your story. It will find good footing and build new strengths you wouldn’t believe.
6. From myself: “I hate that line. I better delete it now.”
I was stunned when I started seeing the same several passages being high-lighted by readers on their kindles and showing up as quotes on the Amazon main page. I found this feature mind-shattering. It gives the author a chance to peek into the mind of the reader and witness the thought process in action.
Several of the quotes that are highlighted in my book Greyhound … I had on the editing chopping block numerous times. A few, I couldn’t bring myself to kill and the others my editors told me to leave because they were deeply moved by them.
Trust your work. Trust the reader. What you might find commonplace and dull, might just be an earth-shattering revelation to someone else. Our lives really are different. If they weren’t, we would’ve all stopped writing books decades ago. Our stories and our life-experiences are our own.
7. Don’t spend time detailing or outlining your plots. That’s just not natural and it’s too contrived.
Really? Forgive me if I want to stand that notion up in front of a firing-squad and have it executed for treason. I had once heard a story on NPR about Vladimir Nabakov and how he outlined everything on index cards, and how they were about to put the index cards for Lolita in some far-away museum.
I laughed out loud and swerved while driving, almost going off into a ditch. I immediately felt vindicated as I had been practicing this same habit of writing prompts on index cards since High School. I flipped the bird into the air at Stephen King, whom I love, but who had made me feel incredibly guilty for a very long time as it was highly publicized that he loathed outlining and warned against it. Just read On Writing.
8. Don’t read Stephen King, he’ll pollute your mind. He’s grocery store drivel.
Stop all that nonsense. I love Stephen King and always have. We all have highs and lows. He’s fantastic. Let me know when you have 47 novels. We’ll talk. You must read On Writing, even if you find him to be cyanide to your senses. Don't be 'above' something, just because you say you don't like it.
9. There are no rules to this thing. The world is your oyster.
That's just hogwash, there are lots of rules. You just have to figure out which rules apply to you, and which rules you have the power to break and rewrite.

Intrigued by this? Keep reading, here's a few more of these 'Worst Advice' lists by some of my compatriots:

Craig Lancaster (author of The Summer Son)
Stant Litore (author of The Zombie Bible)
Vincent Zandri (author of The Innocent)
***
Steffan Piper is the author of several novels including Greyhound, Yellow Fever and Fugue State. He was once kicked out of Nome, Alaska due to a minor misunderstanding. He has a blog, a Facebook page, a favorite film and lives in Palm Desert, CA. Currently hiring for an experienced get-away driver. 

Changing Titles – The Uncool …

Along time ago in a life now far, far away, I once worked for a large company that was in the business of conducting Market Research for the Film and Motion Picture Industry. How I came into such a job, is a bit foggy, but it was both an interesting and strange occupation for sure. I thought it would never end when I was headlong in its employ, but looking back it felt like a moment that never really happened even though I have the scar to prove it.




It was the spring and summer of 1999 and I was living in a large one bedroom apartment on McCadden Street in Hollywood which overlooked the intersections of Sunset and Highland. Lounging in the front room all day and night you could lock yourself fully into listening to the continuous traffic, car crashes and people on the street five stories below and never get bored.
Part of my job with this marketing company was to analyze screener cards from the free viewings of the general public and minor press members who would attend out of interest in seeing either an almost complete film with their favorite star and starlet in, or a rough cut of something big before it hit theatres. Nowadays things are a lot more secretive and these free screeners of major blockbuster films are almost non-existent. Independent and minor titles though, probably still create the bulk of the workload for these folks now.
When the audience would attend a pre-release film, they would receive a screener card that was a quick questionnaire that had a variety of carefully worded and carefully chosen questions. For example:
What did you think of the title of the film?What did you think about the name of the main character?What was your impression of the Period Costumes?Some were direct, and some were not. The Producers and the Writers were often looking to gauge very specific things to test the quality of the storyline or find out how it might fare in opening weeks. These companies have often been derided in the industry for these practices as foolish, meddling, art-tampery and so on, but as an overall statement, they've probably done Hollywood more good than harm at the end of the day. My experience was a little different.
Often between 150-200 people on average would see these pre-release films and my job would entail counting up hash-marks made every time a box was filled, or something specific was written.
“Goddamn, this film sucks ass!”
The longer I worked there, the better my duties became and I went from hash-mark counting Grunt, to an Organizer. This person would begin to consolidate these hash-marks into an overall report and total everything up into a two page document that looked an awful lot like an excel spread sheet. After too many months of that, I was then promoted to do what I've always thought I was born to do (write) and I was then put to the task of making a one page written statement that would resemble Don Draper-esque Ad Speak to satisfy the Studio Execs. I thought I had arrived and someone was finally giving me my shot. It was beautiful.
Except it wasn't, because the majority of the films were completely forgettable and worthless. Most of them I barely remember even today, but after all this time – one film stands out above all of them and it was this particular film that got me fired from this job. Yes, it goes all downhill from here.

Let me say that the culture of this company where I worked was a bit weird. The employees were pretty much split up into a few main groups. A lot of the people who did the grunt work counting hash-marks, were folks that seemingly played in Rock-Bands late at night, after hours, had really long hair, wore Megadeath t-shirts and always had a glazed over appearance. There were approximately thirty odd people in this pool, and it was really evident that the bulk of these people were just happy to have a sit down office job inside a big building with AC. These people were the burn-outs and people came and went rather quickly. The turnover was pretty bad.
There was another sub-set of this company, both Grunts, Organizers and the Writers who all had a very strange penchant for wearing pajamas to the office several days a week. Several of them wore pajamas to the office every damn day.I had quickly figured out that if you wanted to advance – you needed to fit in – and wear pajamas. It was a fad started by a couple of the older, crafty, college-educated girls that had banded together and began rising up the food chain quick. Others followed their lead creating an almost 'new generation' or hipster feeling in the office.
Let me say, as an Honorably Discharged Marine who saw battle in a foreign land, this idea was about the most bizarre and frightening thing I had ever faced. I knew if I wanted to advance, I would have to swallow this pill and get over it. When I explained what was going on to my then-first-wife, she was equally shocked and thought I was joking. It did sound like a really bad joke. However, she was always resourceful and very practical. She said this, and to this day I can still hear her voice in my head, saying these words forever:
“Well, Steffan, if you have to wear pajamas to work, So be it. But don't be a slouch. Go to Nordstrom's, buy five pair of dark blue, pinstripe, two-piece jammies and I'll make sure that they're dry-cleaned and pressed so you don't look like a complete fool.”
She also recommended buying me a pair of slippers with hard soles, which in 1999, weren't as ubiquitous and normal as they are today. This situation occurred about a year to nine months before the craze had actually swept across the nation and became something of a running joke until just after the turn of the century where it was clearly time to let it go.
And so, I did exactly as she suggested and I purchased five sets of pajamas from Nordstrom's at the Beverly Center and had them all dry-cleaned. If this was the culture, and it meant me getting more money per-hour, I was going to embrace it.
Then, a film entitled The Uncoolwritten, produced and directed by Cameron Crowe came to us. The office was pretty excited landing the project and everyone went above and beyond trying to get as many people into the theatre seats as possible to capture a well-seasoned and hopefully accurate gauge on the film so that the Studio execs would be grateful and utilize us further down the line. It was at this time as well, that Market Research firms were getting bad press because of this intrusion, so the company rightly felt the threat to their livelihood.
When all the cards came in and all the hash-marks were counted by the Grunts, and the Organizers had done their job, they passed the football to me to write up a report. Then it happened.
I had been working there for over a year now, eight hours a day, sometimes even at the theatres helping to collect the screener cards and I had witnessed some of the Execs in action and I knew what would set them off. When I saw the remark listed on the Organized report. I about came … un-fucking-glued.
In almost 350 screener cards, two people had written the following statement:
“I don't understand what the title means.” and “I don't like the title.”
Having already seen the movie numerous times and having had fallen in love with it – as is, and completely understood the title, which was based upon a telephone speech in the middle of the second act of the film by Phillip Seymour Hoffman, I cringed with fear that some dull spark would grab onto that and panic needlessly and then campaign to change the title based upon two people's lazy remarks on a screener card. Yes, I felt it was time to strangle someone.

So what did I do? Instead of doing the lazy ass thing and letting it sit and ignoring it, I grabbed my pencil and erased the two lines from the Organized Reports and then spent over an hour looking for the two screener cards that were buried somewhere deep within the pile. I found them, shit-canned them quickly and never looked back. This all went down on a late Friday afternoon and the office was about as dead as a doornail.
Monday came around and I had to go into a board room, in my pressed pajamas, with several other pajama clad individuals and read my results in a salesman-like tone to Cameron Crowe and about eight different Studio execs and Producers all attached to the picture.
I was asked several questions, as I was now the front man for the Grunts and Organizers on this project. One of them was this:
Faceless Exec: “What was said about the title of the film?” Steffan: “Nothing was said about the title. Everyone remarked positively in regards to Philip Seymour Hoffman's speech.”Faceless Exec: “Wait. No one said anything about the title? How many people were screened?” Steffan: “Approximately 350 screeners were collected.”

And then the bomb went off.
Faceless Exec: “Wait, I remember seeing one screener card I collected on the night at the theatre and I saw the remark myself that the person didn't understand the title or something like that.” Steffan: “No, we didn't have any cards like that at all. They're all here for you to look through.”Cameron Crowe: [paraphrased obviously] “Why are we focusing on the title over one remark. It's my title and I think it's the best title for the project, and even though complaints have been voiced by a few in production, I see no reason to change it.” Faceless Exec: “But I remember the screener card. So we need to find it and it better be in the stack. I'm not mistaken. I even circled the remark with a red pen. Market Research Boss: “Steffan, can you please wait outside.”
That Faceless-Exec had actually circled the remark in red pen. I was caught, and it was now only a matter of time before I had to come clean and eat crow. The meeting broke, but the first order of business after lunch, we reconvened into the office and I was questioned about it.
I didn't lie. It was time to 'man up' and exhibit some self-worth.
Steffan: “I tore them both up and threw away the screeners card Friday. Those two comments were made, but they were stupid and not reflective of any of the data collected. I knew it would cause a problem.” Faceless Exec: “I knew it. I knew he was lying.” [this guy had a really annoying voice] Steffan: “And let me tell you something, I would do it again, you Jackass!” [at annoying guy] “Why the hell would you tamper with such a perfect title of a film unless you were that stupid as well? Obviously, you don't understand your own title!”
It got heated quick. I wasn't the only one yelling. The room was a complete mess.
Market Research Boss: [defeated tone] “Steffan, you're fired. Please take your things and go.” Faceless Exec: “Go back to bed, loser!” Steffan: “Bite me, you fucking crack-baby!”
And that was that. I was fired from my pajama wearing Market Research job to defend a Cameron Crowe film title and guilty for destroying studio and company property. I got a letter about it almost a week later to the day and showed it to my then-wife. She just laughed.
“Steffan, sweetie, seriously. Don't even waste a moment thinking about it for a second. You were wearing your pajamas to work. Get it?”
Later, when I saw the film poster show up sometime later on the marquee at the Mann Chinese on Hollywood, I was agitated and just shook my head. I did my best to fight for Crowe's original title and I threw myself on the tracks. I had little to do with the change and the outcome, but I was just a witness to break-down of it.
In the end, and after all these years, I still think that The Uncool is far better than Almost Famous. They scrambled for that title and took it from the marquee of their tour bus that was shown in a single shot. The substituted title was never as good as the original. The Uncoolwas honest and unmerciful, to quote the film.

I'm dredging this story up a whole thirteen years later a simple reason. I'm in the middle of an equal dilemma with my current book Shitbird, or Fugue State … or …
As you can see we haven't quite landed on a title. Shitbird causes obvious distribution problems. Fugue State causes confusion if you've never studied psychology or music. For the people that have read the book, they all reported that Shitbird is the greatest and most appropriate title, but I'm not on a suicide mission, so the search goes on. I was reminded of this strange piece of my history after a phone call the other day and felt obligated to write it down before it slipped back away into the file-cabinets of things forgotten.
We'll all be around for the update later down the line.
“The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool.”  -- Lester Bangs....

The 9 Rules of Write Club ...

This is Steffan's mind on an all-too quiet Saturday morning ...
With the world changing as drastically as it is regarding publishing, writing, making a living and selling books, several things have been floating around in the garrett rooms of my mind lately. 
While I wrote a twenty page dissertation on each of these points, I'll save you all the angst of having to read or ingest it as it's likely to cause many to wilt and come across as opinionated bombast. 
It seems that I did you one favour already. Mark a check in my column ...

The first rule of Write Club is ... There are no Legacy deals.
The second rule of Write Club is ... There are NO Legacy deals!
The third rule of Write Club is ... His name was Winston Groom. Read up and never forget.
The fourth rule of Write Club is ... You are not your book deal. You'll likely despise that Legacy contract at some point in the future anyway.
The fifth rule of Write Club is ... We write novels, not IKEA catalouges.
The sixth rule of Write Club is ... You're not here to follow in someone else's footsteps, so don't.
The seventh rule of Write Club is ... Self improvement? Try self-destruction. Stop running away from yourself in your writing.
The eigth rule of Write Club is ... Your book doesn't own you, let it go. Get over it. Don't obsess.
The ninth rule of Write Club is ... Editor before Agent and not the other way around.


Did you understand all that? Fill in the blanks if you did and think further on it. If not, your homework is to write twenty pages on each point. Be specific.

Thoughts about Stephen King's On Writing ...

When I first read OnWriting back in 2000, I was living in my truck on Venice Beach.Those were vastly different times as opposed to where I am now, thankfully. Iread the book with a very different mindset as well. Even then, I always knewthat I would spend my life writing one way or another. If I ever made moneyfrom it -- then all the better, but I didn't see that happening and most daysit's just a mirage in the desert. More on this mirage later.

I picked the bookup, not to ingest a sort of primer for my brain, which I probably should have,but because I was addicted to reading biographies during that period and I readthis with the mindset of reading about the life and times of Stephen King. I honestlywasn't ready for some of the information in the book the first time around andthus missed the boat back in two thousand. Reading it again has given me alittle more hope and possibly even triggered my default settings on a fewthings.

I once heardAmerican Poet Gregory Corso speak about Jack Kerouac and his early days whenthey first met. He stated that before Kerouac had even written `On the Road' oranything that followed, Jack had already written over a million words. Nowthat's not just a direct quote from Corso, but it's pretty astonishingconsidering the fact that these days a standard novel could be around 100,000words or less. That would mean that Kerouac wrote the equivalent of ten modernnovels. In terms of King, it's most likely only three or four, but anyway youslice it, it's a lot of writing.

When I considerthese words in context of some of the things stated by Stevie in his book, I wonder not only whereKerouac's missing novels are, I also wonder where his missing books are, as hesays he writes close to 100,000 words a month. I know he's published a lot, butI'm sure he has a library of manuscripts that for whatever reason he'll neverlet see the light of day. Heck, I've got a few myself, but I'm not StephenKing. Not by a longshot.

A very wise friendof mine recently suggested that I needed to take a remedial writing class andread Stephen King's book On Writing after she read the first draft of my mostrecent novel Greyhound. I guess I brokeKing's 24th commandment about letting an unfriendly draft out of the office.While I'm glad that I got feedback on something that I puked out, I learned alesson about patience and reading what you've written at least once beforereleasing it on the world.

Most of those demons found their wayin the manuscript during the nightmare of transcribing them from thehandwritten yellow pad to the eye-burning computer. A task I never look forwardto. If I could have someone like Anton Schindler work as my secretary andtranscribe my writing, I would be much happier and my migraines might be halfof what they are on their worst days. But alas, I'm no Beethoven and thus musttrudge.

Like King says, ifyou're going to let someone read it early in the game, make sure it's someoneyou trust and I would add - someone that knows you as a writer and what you'vedone. Too many times, new eyes get wrapped up in the grammatical, which isoften inescapable. This is the type of experience a writer would also have withan agent and is probably bad for both parties. Don't expect any grandacceptance letters with material in that state.

After reading OnWriting again, I found the information more meaningful and much more directedat someone like me. I was able to internalize and counsel myself with King'svery direct advice. I would state that a struggling writer might get the bestuse of this book -- after they've written a book or two, or as in my case, amere half million words. It's hard to be honest with yourself until you've beeneither beaten over the head with your own mistakes or you've beaten yourselfover the head with endless editing.

As for the mirageof making money ... Stephen says that you should never write for money, but Ithink that's something someone with money would say. Whaddya think? The rest ofus breathe for money let alone write for it. When Steve was locking himself inhis laundry room in his rented trailer and stinking of rotten seafood from thenight shift, I can assure you he was hoping, just like the rest of us that hewould get paid and that he would also sell more than one book. Visualizing theend of the rainbow is just as important as chasing it. If you're dreaming ofgetting checks in the mail, it's not necessarily a bad thing. But if they haveyour own name and address in the top left corner, then you probably weren'tspecific enough when you sent your dream out into the Universe, haha.

I can understandwhy some people got so incensed with some of his statements. Especially numbers33 and 34 regarding bad writers. (See below) Strangely,though ... I agree. As a rule, I don't read anything when I write. I know thatmight be unorthodox to some, especially Mr. King, but that's the way I roll, touse the parlance of our time. When I do read, I often come away with thefeeling that most of what I've read is useless and badly conceived detritus.Some of it I adore, like Haruki Murakami. I wait impatiently for his next bookevery time. I'm now holding the opinion that he could very well be the greatestliving writer of our time. But that's just me.

But most of thestuff I read I don't like. I think the publishing industry has a policy ofattrition, regarding our wallets. They'll just print whatever they think willsell, which usually doesn't and reject the rest, which also probably would selland is far more interesting. It's also no wonder that more and more theself-publishing market is breaking out some real gems and providing a morevaried market for good novels.

I think it's alsosafe to say that a lot of people wonder how some books get published or how abad film gets made, quite frequently. Publishers are working overtime right nowtrying to re-invent the industry and cull more readers. One thing I heard wasthat they want to publish fewer writers, thus narrowing the field of focushoping to sell more of the books they do publish. Sound scary yet? It's in theworks or something like it. Don't be surprised if we're one day surrounded byHarlequin Murder Mysteries and Young Adult Fantasy all by the same 10 to 15authors. The publishing Industry believes that's the only formula worth lookingat for some unknown reason.

I think I wanted tosay more, or rather something in a different tone, but after finishing OnWriting over two weeks ago, most of what I thought I wanted to say, Iprocrastinated on due to my other writing concerns. Obviously, I broke anotherwriting commandment which wasn't in the book, but one that we all know ...strike while the iron is hot - or suffer the consequences.

... ...





The rules according to Mr. King:
1. If you want to be a writer you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There is no shortcut.

2. Reading is the creative center of a writer's life.

3. The TV is about the last thing an aspiring writer needs.

4. The sort of strenuous reading and writing program I advocate is four to six hours - every day.

5. Once I start on a project, I don't stop and I don't slow down unless I absolutely have to.

6. Strunk and White is to a Writer what the Bible is to a Preacher.

7. Life isn't a support system for art, it's the other way around.

8. The idea that the creative endeavor and mind altering substances are entwined is one of the great myths of our time.

9. You must not come lightly to the blank page.

10. The first draft of a book should take no more than three months, the length of a season.

11. The adverb is not your friend.

12. The combination of a healthy body and a stable relationship with a self-reliant woman who takes zero bull from me or anyone else has made the continuity of my working life possible.

13. I like to get ten pages a day, which amounts to 2,000 words. That's 180,000 words over a three month span, a goodish length for a book.

14. Only under dire circumstances do I allow myself to shut down before getting 2,000 words.

15. When you write, you want to get rid of the world. It's wise to eliminate every possible distraction.

16. Paragraphs are almost as important for how the look as for what they say; they are maps of intent.

17. The paragraph, not the sentence, is the basic unit of writing.

18. Grammar is not just a pain in the rump; it's the pole you grab to get your thoughts up on their feet and walking.

19. Write about anything you want as long as you tell the truth.

20. You need a room, you need the door, and you need the determination to shut the door. You'll also need a concrete goal as well.

21. You should anything that improves the quality of your writing and doesn't get in the way of your story.

22. Writing fiction is a lonely job

23. The first draft should be written with no help from anyone.

24. Never let an unfriendly draft cross the threshold of your office or out of your desk drawer.

25. The most common tool of any writer is vocabulary.

26. Put your vocabulary on the top shelf of your toolbox and don't make any conscious effort to improve it.

27. Do not dress up vocabulary, looking for long words because you're a little ashamed of your short ones.

28. Invest in a copy of Warriner's English Grammar and composition.

29. Don't be a Muggle. Avoid the passive tense!

30. I believe the road to hell is paved with adverbs

31. Good writing is often about letting go of fear and affectation.

32. The object of writing isn't grammatical correctness but to make the reader welcome and then tell a story.

33. I can't lie and say that there are no bad writers. Sorry, but there are lots of bad writers.

34. While it is possible to make a competent writer out of a bad writer, it is equally impossible to make a great writer out of a good one.

35. The secret of my success is that I stayed physically healthy (well, almost) and I stayed married.

36. You're job is to make sure the muse knows where you're going to be everyday from Nine `til Noon.

37. Novels consist of three parts: narration, description and dialogue.

38. Plot is a good writer's last resort and the dullard's first choice.

39. The situation comes first. The characters come next. Once I have these things fixed in my mind I begin to narrate.

40. Description is what makes the reader a sensory participant in the story.

41. With characters, it boils down to two things: paying attention to how real the people around you behave and then telling the truth about what you see.

42. Symbolism exists to adorn and enrich, not to create a sense of artificial profundity.

43. Symbolism is a focusing device for both you and your reader, helping to create a more unified and pleasing work.

44. Revising is three drafts, or two drafts and a polish.

45. Good fiction always begins with story and progresses to theme; it almost never begins with theme and progresses to story.

46. You should put your first draft away for six weeks before starting the second draft, because it's always easier to kill someone else's darlings than your own.

47. When you give out six or eight copies of a book, you'll get back six or eight highly subjective opinions about what's good and what's bad in it.

48. Pace is the speed at which your narrative unfolds.

49. Your early readers will also gauge whether or not your story is paced correctly and if you've handled the back story correctly.

50. The most important things to remember about back story are that (a) every one has back story and (b) most of it isn't very interesting.

51. Routine interruption and distraction don't much hurt a work in progress and may actually help it some ways. It is the dab of grit that seeps into an oyster's shell that makes the pearl.

52. You don't need writing classes and seminars any more than you need this or any other book on writing.

53. You learn best by reading a lot and writing a lot, and the most valuable lessons of all are the ones you teach yourself. These lessons almost always occur with the door closed.

54. You should have an agent. If your work is salable then you will have only a moderate amount of trouble finding one. You'll probably be able to find one even if you work isn't salable, as long as it shows promise.

55. The scariest moment is always just before you start.

56. Writing is magic. 

William Blake and Face Eating Unicorns ...

Yes, it's time to Believe in Your Dreams ... or else ... Face Eating Unicorns will jump from the butts of pissed off chicks that have had about enough of your excuse-ridden shit.

Creative Writing week 2 ... or is it Week 3 already? Week 3!

I have to now include my time sitting in British Lit, which is the class just before Creative Writing, as it's something I can't ignore as a kickstart or -- outright bombdrop --  to my imagination.

So, British Lit ...

I was confronted with the assertion regarding the Arthurian Legend being the catalyst to Western Expansion across the globe, being that it legitimized the collateral damage because 'they were the chosen ones' so to speak and in 'God's favour.' William Blake of course breathing life into that machine as it rolled along steadily for the British Empire. Add in Noah cursing his son, Ham, and it seems you may have a full-fledged recipe for either disaster or Manifest Destiny. Oh, Joseph Campbell ... you saw it all ...

I didn't even get a chance for a cup of tea yet at that point.

There be no slackers at 9:30 in the morning for Steve Acree's lectures. I struggle to keep up with the thinking and definitely do my best to keep my trap shut, but in a class like that it does get muy dificile.

At 12:30 in Palm Desert on Thursday, it was overcast, rainy with thick clouds milling above ... time for Creative Writing with Amy Dibello. Love this class. Queue Black Sabbath:



Creative Writing on Thursday opened with an Author Lecture, which some know I cringe about, but wasn't that bad this time.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love hearing about the craft, but let's be honest, most writer's, myself included, are not the best sales people. When I hear someone lecturing, I want a Southern Baptist, not an info dump from the back of a bottle of Advil, but that's just me. Seriously.

I know, I have my failings. Being put to sleep by someone peanut-buttering dry tedium over my eyelids causes thine brain to drift through the etheral miasmic brine ... or some other such nonsensical place. I want to know about face-eating Unicorns that might hump you in your sleep if you don't write every day, not an application process on receiving state aid (for example) -- which, as you know, is soooo much more thrilling.

I think this is why I'm excited about this particular class, the instructor could have her own NPR Talk Show or Late-Night Info-mercial selling just about anything. You need the energy, and she has it. A lot of it. And not crazy unfocused energy either, like me. She would've made Carlos Castaneda proud as she was even adorned with her animal spirit for extra power.

Tuesday was a personal read-a-loud which caused me much distress as I get incredibly nervous reading on front of people, likely for the reasons mentioned above -- namely, I don't want to bore people to death and I fear I will bore people to death. I also hate hearing my own voice and a few other reasons to ice it over, making it something I may likely pass on next time around.

I enjoyed hearing everyone else's stories more and hearing their writing styles spoken aloud. It's good to know that there are some very talented people sitting within arms length of you. I need to be around creative people and creative minds. Otherwise, I turn too far inward.

So, now I get back to writing ... creatively ... lest unhappy Unicorns find me, hump me in my sleep and snack on my face.

Ride on, people ...

...

Downburst of Dreams ...

I wrote this last night in a hurry for a Creative Writing course which cancelled out today. In order to get it away from me, lest I start editing the hell out of it, I thought I'd post it up on the blog.

It's about Insomnia, Los Angeles, Driving, Television and possibly Winona Ryder ... I think. The topic was 'coming from a place of fury' ... anyone that knows me, knows how I get with zero hours of sleep, which does happen often.

nopartner.pdf

8 pages ... took about an hour.

Okay enough distractions.

Light through a Prism ...

Thoughts Gathered from my Creative Writing Class
week one -  01.30.12 thru 02.02.12

Are you the kind of person that:

A. Sees the world and must make mention of the ceiling above everyone, all the while telling them how far up it is and "You're definitely welcome that I noticed it for you because you weren't looking and not able to see it."

B. Constantly bumps and thuds against that ceiling everyday of your life unknowingly, until it finally shatters, breaks into a thousand pieces and then stops, turns and apologize, saying: "Sorry, I had my headphones on and was focused on something else. Whoops. Really sorry 'bout that."

add question mark.

I've taken many Creative Writing classes through the years and I've always been keenly aware of my fellow students, but this time it's a little different. Hearing other people's struggle is the reward for participation.

Before, it was about me and I was always caught up in some life or death struggle that had me half-distracted. Now, my writing has my full-attention and it's impossible for me to see everything through my own single lens. I'm always perplexed by people, older than myself who are still complete prisoners to themselves. It can be grotesque even. This must be the nexus of good horror, or it feels like it.

Some say that we revert back to an infantile status as we age, but I think Aubrey DeGray would disagree, or at least hope to. I spend a lot of time thinking about aging, but that's my own cross.

For me, it will be a challenge due to proximity. I usually keep a very long distance but discomfort is often the price of admission into many things.

Managing a Creative Writing Class of 30 odd folks? Sounds incredibly exhausting. Thankfully, I have an instructor with the energy to handle it all. Some people seem born to it. The craft of writing needs more energetic people like that. I have had some previous instructors where it was like one of those Visene commercials with Ben Stein, literally. Glad to be back around people who want to write versus rowing around in a little boat by myself for the last two years.

The story of four brothers … over a very long period of time …

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My one complaint with U2 … for a very long time … was thelack of what they've done here in this film. Something close and personal.Something intimate and revealing – outside of a song. Something that explains,from them, what the hell we've all been engaged in, headlong, for so damn long.
There are a group of people on this planet that wheneverthey hear the word U2, they cringe. It's hard to get around or dismiss thesepeople and for someone like me who is a serious fan, it's hard to understand whyand difficult to grasp how all that happened. If you watch this documentary …and pay close attention … all becomes clear.
The film opens with a narration from Bono, interspersed withsnippets from Edge, Larry and Adam as well as moments from everyone else closeto the center of this universe. Brian Eno, Paul McGuinness, Anton Corbijn. Itpicks up – exactly – where the last real documentary footage they remasteredand released left off. Most that read this likely bought the remasteredreleases which included The Unforgettable Fire and had their experience ofmaking that album at Slane Castle in the eighties.
The first revelation: They struggled with putting on bigshows, being consistent and worrying that they didn't have enough material tokeep it going.
Wow. I have a lot of the concert recordings of them throughthe eighties and I never once thought that at all. Your fears are truly yourown, no matter who you are. That's probably revelation number two, but that wasmine, for me, maybe not a universal one.
The conversation steers towards Rattle & Hum and it'ssad to hear all the reflections on it. Honestly. These four lads from Dublin invested everything they had financially to make asmall film about them being on the road and their journey through America. Theconcerts after the Joshua Tree release, for them, "were like a roller coaster,"Edge says. This is the point where the world met up with them and instead of listeningto the music and just hearing the album, which still stands up and is timeless,people became distracted by the commentary in the press, which somehow andunfortunately became louder. They were scoriated in the press for Rattle & Hum and after putting so much into it, it killed them or rather, almost killedthem.
The world, Roger Ebert, Rolling Stone, everyone – saw theeffort and them as Megalomaniacs and it would be something that was heavy,painful and difficult to shake. What's more painful is finding this out after watchingthat musical road movie so many times, so many nights, so many Sunday afternoonsand loving it every time – even if it just played quietly in the background. I had heard that, but I never shared the opinion. I just saw it as a modern day version of Kerouac's On The Road.
There is an odd parallel here with what happened at thispoint with U2 and what happened with Weezer during their Pinkerton release[same time frame]. They both went over the edge with something too personal,something too raw, something too good for mass consumption and the critics justwalked all over it and threw it back in their faces as if none of it mattered.
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For the haters, nothing happened here in this period that hadchanged. Let's be honest. One might say that during the first 5 albums U2slowly embraced more and more of the American spirit and made it theirs. Whenyou ask some people they always say the same thing and it's a variation ofthis:
"I like old U2 before they sold out and changed. When theywere a Rock band they kicked ass, something happened after Joshua Tree. Theirearly albums were all that mattered."
These sentences are like the jigsaw pieces that fall out ofpeople's mouths and unfortunately from a set of people old enough who stillcontrol radio station playlists which is why we're always subjected to the same5 U2 songs on FM every time they get play. It's an ongoing shame. I was in New York in April of2011 and I was stunned at the amount of U2 I heard on the radio and the varietyof the songs that played over the airwaves. I heard 'Love is Blindness' on somestation driving out to Jersey and 'Please' thenext day. For me, it was incredible. I mentioned this dilemma to my friend but he just ignored me because I often go off on tangents about history, U2, or the history of U2 -- in no discernible order.
This film is magic from the beginning to the end and willgive you a viewpoint of U2 no matter what you feel about these guys. There'sabsolutely no politics in this, no soapboxing, nothing of that magnitude. It'san internal struggle and "each man for himself" as Bono says, which isunderlined as a betrayal to the concept of a band. They were on the verge ofbreaking up and getting over the loud ringing critical tone of hate that cameat them from the failure of Rattle & Hum continuously. All of that beganthe birth of The Fly, MacPhisto, the pushing back to save themselves.
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Stopping here. It's odd to write the words: "The failure ofRattle & Hum," Jesus that's absurd. "The failure of Pinkerton." An albumthat Rolling Stone later wrote was one of the great top ten concept albumsever. I'm curious now what they say about Rattle & Hum. The irony and thenext revelation, which isn't the first time one might here it, is:
"You can't listen to the critics."
But possibly, there's some serious untruth in that. In dealing withthe pain of what had happened, they came up with 'One' which thenchanged everything. The album came from that moment and everything after followed.

Haters love to mention the album Pop, but that's only because they haven't listened to it from beginning to end. They should called the damn thing 'Hymnal' because that's honestly what that thing is. It's like Bach's collections of Chorales. Everything points back to God in one manner or another and that's not a crime or a bad thing. Some people could use a little more faith, even if it's just in themselves.
In modern mass-consumed music, everyone gets eaten alive,people implode, check out, blow it, say no more. Rarely do people survive it inthis manner shown here. Often bands ditch members and continue, note Foreigner'sproblems and Lou Gramm. Note Creedence Clearwater Revival who are stillfighting with lawyers to this day. Something has to be said about the intensedesire to show up to work and keep going, keep making music and pushingforward. Nothing is ever perfect, but nothing would've been a bitterer pill toswallow for sure. If you can't find something good, you're probably just notlooking.  
"You have to reject one expression of the band, first, beforeyou get to the next expression – and in between, you have nothing. You have torisk it all." -- Bono

Marlowe's Respect for Privacy ...

Having read a lot of Raymond Chandler through the years and now, finally going back and re-reading everything with a more widened perspective on the genre, The High Window easily stands out as his finest work.

The High Window, unlike a lot of genre Private Detective stories, which so many other authors have spent lifetimes struggling to copy and coming up short, keeps you guessing until the very end. Some authors give you a nibble about half way through a story and it falls apart in your lap and you figure it out. The High Window defies that solidly. You will be guessing about this one until the very end. Nothing is done ham-handedly or over-quick just to wrap it up either. This book could serve as a role model to other authors about how to write an ending, as I'm sure it has -- even if you don't write Detective Noir fiction.

If you're reading this review and a certain Humphrey Bogart film brought you here, and you don't know much about Raymond Chandler, just know that he was and is considered one of the greatest writers of the 20th Century. During his lifetime however he was dismissed as just a regular struggling hack novelist, because of the Genre, and not given a lot of attention. A lot of other authors, like Philip K. Dick for instance, another Angelino, suffered greatly under this prejudice during their lifetime because of supposed conventionalities. Sometimes, looking back you just have to wonder if it really was a West Coast prejudice, where anything outside of the New York circle of authors was thought worthless, or the critics just didn't have enough insight into life. Probably both.



The High Window moves very quickly, very smoothly, never misses a beat or falls flat for a single page. Chandler did drink a lot and it sometimes shows in his other novels, but with this effort you can see a lot of genius, planning and careful, methodic work ... just like the protagonist Philip Marlowe working a case.

The dialogue is as witty as Farewell, My Lovely and the wisecracks are even sharper than The Big Sleep. This book is also absent of the one problem that I have Chandler and that is his disconnection of information from novel to novel. Some of his stories never mention a single word about anyone or anything from his other books, however, in The High Window, I underlined five direct references to his other works. These are nice touches and just things I like, because it's like going to a friends house and being able to recognize the furniture. The Little Sister does a better job with bringing out a familiar cadre of Policemen, but this book is seriously where it's at.

The main thought regarding the story though is all about protection of the client and their anonymity. Marlowe knows that if he has to turn over and talk, he's pretty much out of a job. This is a story about just that and Marlowe goes to great lengths to protect that trust and Chandler does a deft job in making it a subtle undercurrent throughout the book, giving The High Window a sort of 'Moralist' back-drop. While he takes on only one paid client, it feels as if he makes an exercise in proving that his word is his bond with just about everyone he meets.

Personally, this is easily my favorite Chandler novel to date.

There's a few youtube links below regarding some documentary footage concerning Chandler as well a Chandler interview with James Bond author Ian Fleming, where Chandler states that he believes himself to be one of the greatest living American writers -- and Fleming agrees. Fantastic stuff.










4 part Interview with Raymond Chandler and Ian Fleming:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zj6cc0...

3 part Raymond Chandler Documentary on Crime, Los Angeles and his writing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIbFzc...

...

Fast Food Coffee ... the breakdown ... Top 10.

After many years of searching to alwaysfind the best cup of coffee in the morning – in a hurry, I'vecompiled a kind of impromptu list from my daily journals from notesI've taken about the morning cup of coffee that most of us are forcedto drink or run head into.
Over the years, I've gone from anon-coffee drinker, to someone who used to order Ethiopian beans inhuge bags off the internet and roast my own every morning – to now– a person who doesn't really give a damn excepting the fact that Ihate shitty coffee and I know exactly what it is and where it willlikely be found and thus easily avoided. If this list helps you at all, then I've done my work.
This is a list built of my own opinion,hence it is not gospel, however, I'm sure if a list were constructedby unbiased experts, I'm betting I wouldn't be far off.
First the top ten, then I'll post abrief description or explanation of each entry. There really is nobenchmark in this, because the real benchmark should be the stuff youmake in your kitchen that you're perfectly content with, but that'sreally more of a high-water mark, or rather high-coffee ring, so tospeak.
7-11Jack in The BoxMcDonaldsStarbucksIHOPBurger King / Seattle's BestDenny'sAmPmCircle KSubway
I've left Karl's Jnr off the listbecause seriously, the coffee isn't their strong suit and it's arelatively unvisited franchise even on the East Coast, which is knownas Hardee's. Dunkin Donuts also have good coffee but their franchisebase has diminished to such a level that they're more popular in theGrocery Store now. Peets coffee is also in the same boat. If I wereto make a list of Grocery Store brands, this list would obviouslylook diffferent.
Honorable mention goes to Sheetz forsome of the best tasting and the most thoughtfully constructedexperience in the business. I've had Sheetz several times, and sadlyonly on the East Coast when I was out visiting family, but here's agroup of folks that don't take coffee lightly. If Sheetz was WestCoast – they'd be in the number 1 spot, just sayin. If you've hadtheir coffee – you'd agree.
7-11 … This place takes their coffee duties very seriously and if you've ever seen the episode of Undercover Boss where they featured the CEO working as a grunt for the company, you'll know just how serious they take the business of coffee. 7-11 understands it to be the reason of their success and they have it down to a science. The coffee is typically consistent, as it can be, rarely burnt or burnt tasting and always in stocked supply. You just cannot go wrong. The coffee is damn good, not acidic and the milk and creamers safe.
Jack in The Box is a place that most people wouldn't normally associate good coffee with, but when it comes to high quality, superb and consistent tasting coffee this fast-food franchise tops the list. They, like 7-11, specialize in the idea of coffee as they take their breakfast menu as serious as gospel. If Zagat rated them, they'd have a sticker in the window for sure.
McDonalds, as everyone knows does – these days – have fantastic coffee. It's tasty, full flavoured and mostly consistent. The downfall though is that it's TOO DAMN HOT. I have to wait almost five to ten minutes every time I get a cup to cool down or I'll burn my face off. There's no reason to be serving coffee that hot, but yet they do. It's almost as if someone at McDonalds realized they had great coffee and then stopped thinking about everything after the taste. For this reason, if you come later in the morning, the likelihood of getting a burnt cup of coffee exists and is more likely the later it gets and the older the pot is. C'mon people. Fix it.
Starbucks should be the benchmark for everyone as they're the most prolific, but they're just not the best. Most people's chief complaint with Starbucks is that the coffee – the stuff you get for just over a buck that's not espresso based or mixed – is always burnt tasting, badly acidic and too bitter. I have a belief that this is something that occurs in their roasting process because it's also evident in the bags you can buy either at the store or in the Grocery mart. Even at home, after I've ground it and brewed it, it's still bitter harsh and burnt tasting. Most people say the same thing across the board about Starbucks, but year after year, they don't address it and don't seem to care, agree or even offer a real alternative. Their smooth blend is just as acidic as the rest. There is likely a disconnect between coffee and coffee snobbery in this equation.
IHOP or International House of Pancakes makes a damn fine cup of mud, the coffee is good, usually not painfully strong, but just enough and often -- just right. The only problem they have is when they're busy, they have the tendency to serve watered down or stale coffee and often the coffee canisters they have never seem to be washed thoroughly between servings. A cup of coffee at two in the afternoon is likely being served to you in a canister that has been in service since 4 am. The other breakdown is their coffee cups which sometimes come dirty and usually end up giving you a stomach ache and force you to run to the bathroom as soon as you get home.
Burger King makes decent coffee. It's Seattle's Best brand, and if you haven't already caught on, Seattle's Best suffers from the same curse that Starbucks does. It's often too strong, too burnt and typically inconsistent. I've been told by people who have worked for Seattle's Best that they use a lot of the same machinery that Starbucks does to mass-roast their beans for consumption and that they also use the same specs that Starbucks does during the roasting process, thus the similarity in taste and obvious similarity in dissatisfaction. Seattle's Best is everywhere and you'll often find it in Airports, in the mall and other smaller restaurants that have decided to carry it. They've done a good job in getting the brand out, but they suffer from being too much of a Starbucks clone and user error, like letting coffee sit, or dirty cups in places that serve in mugs.
Denny's is honestly the last place you want to get coffee simply because the dirty cup error rate is through the roof. Coffee goes from being a good stimulating beverage to being nasty, greasy laced grump water that will have you running for the can. It is what is. They do use good premium coffee though and if you have a cast iron stomach and bowels, you'll likely survive it. They should actually just serve coffee in disposable paper cups like Starbucks and move on to be safer. Get it together Denny's.
AmPm Coffee, across the board, is pretty bad and most people usually have to suffer a cup whenever they're driving somewhere or have no other option. The have that 'High Voltage' coffee that I wouldn't give to a coma patient or a Red Bull addict. They do strong sales on the stuff because they often are found in places where their isn't much choice and folks are usually in a daze or coming down from a high from something else. The coffee is often cold, stale and too acidic. I can't think of anyone who actually likes this stuff, speaks highly of it or goes out of there way for it. On top of it, when I've gone in and had to get a cup, driving away several times, I've noticed a surcharge on the coffee because I paid with my ATM. Damn them. I paid extra for a mixture of crude oil and stomach acid?
Circle K really needs to overhaul their coffee operation as it's an embarrassment. I've seen employees, with my own two eyes, when making the coffee recycling the coffee bags for a second go round, which is just mind-numbing. Circle K doesn't mean Recycle the Koffee, even though it should. The coffee is ALWYS burnt and old and I'm often too scared to use the creamers and milk as I once poured out sour milk from the canister and on another occasion the little creamer things looked older than time itself. Circle K can take umbrage with this post all they want, but they have an employee-coffee handling-breakdown that is just unacceptable. I would also imagine that store owners tell them to recycle the coffee bags in order to save money. Sad.
Subway is also Seattle's Best but if you wish to taste the coffee at Seattle's Worst, go here. Whatever they're doing, it's all wrong. The interesting thing though is that there is so little employee interaction with the coffee, the failure really isn't due to user error like at Denny's, but the way the process was thought out. The coffee is ALWAYS too damn strong, (look at the miniature thermos's they use) usually on the cold side and often stale, and typically because MOST people DON'T go to Subway for coffee because they've failed in creating a worthwhile and memorable cup of joe. Their breakfasts are fantastic, I just wish the coffee would get it together and became as spectacular. I might spend more early mornings there enjoying some, but alas. They come in last because this kind of thing is like suicide on your business. If you can't bring people in for breakfast, you're losing out to someone else like Jack in The Box or McDonalds. Sorry. You guys need to get it together quick. Buy some real equipment to handle your coffee, it'll pay for itself quickly. No brainer.
Earlier this summer, my Krups coffee machine broke after many years of valuable service and I've been using a French Press thus discovering how good and simple a cup of coffee can be and how easy to attain without fuss.
All the best ...Steffan