Lori Stevic-Rust's Blog, page 2

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The Value of Violent Video Games and Movies?

Remember when scary movies had scenes that would build up tension and then leave the violent stuff to your imagination. A successful scary movie used to create physical tension, a sense of fear of what was lurking around the corner or under the bed. Today, many movies not only show you what is under the bed or in the closet but with graphic detail reveals torment, body parts removed, blood, brain matter, vivid rape scenes and so much more that I choose not to even allow into my thoughts or writing. And yet even worse than the actual images, seems to be our reaction.When I asked a group of twenty year olds how they could stand to see such horror on the screen or in a video game, the response was “you get used to it”. The art of getting used to something or becoming immune or rather numb to something is referred to as habituation. Habituation is a learned behavior where after repeated exposure to a stimulus we get “used to it” and we stop responding. It is meant to be adaptive. For example, homicide detectives need to habituate to crime scenes and the sights and smells of death. What would make most of us physically ill and perhaps burdened with nightmares of these images, becomes routine with exposure. Repeated exposure leads to a reduction in physical and psychological reactions over time.

It is this behavioral technique of “overriding” our natural instincts and responses that is used in combat training for soldiers. We know that it is not a natural instinct for a healthy brain to seek out opportunities to kill even when it necessary or protective. Consider that during WWII, it was reported that only 15 percent of soldiers fired at adversaries in the field of battle. There was an instinctive tendency to pause and hesitate before killing another human being. Some studies point to the areas of the midbrain which seems to predispose us to recognize that it is maladaptive to kill one another and risk extinction. However, we can learn to “override” this natural mechanism in the brain.

Military training techniques have advanced since WWII and are now designed to make killing a more automatic behavior as a way of breaking down the natural resistance to killing. For example, the replacement of bull’s-eye targets with human shapes and faces has made the process more routine and familiar—leading to more effective killing statistics. In fact with changes in training techniques, more than 95 percent of combat troops during the Vietnam War shot at hostile fighters compared to the 15 percent of WWII. Today, the military uses combat video games to increase the accuracy of shooting and the exposure of soldiers to vivid images of dead bodies, blood and other graphic images. These games have proven very effective in habituating soldiers to the act of killing and the precision of their shooting.

In training our military, there seems to be value in habituating to the killing process. However, that is not to say that while necessary, killing is still not a natural tendency for the mentally well person. Subsequently, many of our veterans emotionally struggle when training and necessity “override” the natural tendency toward not killing others. While many might agree that for military training this is essential and adaptive, it has proven maladaptive for society—especially children.

According to the Center for Media Education, by the time children enter middle school, they will have witnessed more than 100,000 acts of violence on television, including 8,000 murders and these figures double by the completion of high school. Studies reveal that after repeated exposure to violence, some children will tend to act aggressively immediately after viewing. The brain is overstimulated with images that “override” the natural instinct for cooperative play and empathy for victims.

Moreover, violent games and movies often tend to glorify violence and habituate us to the pain and suffering of others. But then, isn’t that the purpose? In playing a violent video game you are unlikely to win or score points, if you are compassionate to the victim, react slowly, or shoot in an area of the body that is unlikely to render the person immobile or dead.

Now, I fully understand the argument that it is just a game or movie. I appreciate that not everybody who plays a violent video game or is exposed to images in a violent movie will ever act on what they have seen. I recognize that violent videos and movies are certainly not the only reason that we have become a more violent society. But there is no argument that they play a role. They do impact us. We have become more violent tolerant and numb to violent images.

So, I am left wondering, what price will we all pay for becoming “used to” violent images?

Cleveland Indians Baseball: Nana’s Reflections

I recognize that in some cities a baseball wild card game may create a bit of interest but real buzz doesn’t usually occur until a team advances. However, here in Cleveland Ohio, a wild card game is not just a game. It is BASEBALL in OCTOBER. The town is buzzing, the stadium is sold out and the local news stations are running many interesting stories about the Cleveland Indians during every broadcast.

Fans can’t get enough tribe talk and our household is no different. Well, maybe a little different. That’s because the cheering coming from our couch is from the oldest Cleveland Indians fan. Our Nana is 101 years old and arguably the most loyal and passionate fan.

She was at the 1948 World Series game when the Indians won and over the past sixty some years, she has never missed a game. For many years she would listen to the game on the old Motorola radio that still sits in our living room. Today, she mostly enjoys curling up on the coach with a big bag of popcorn to watch every play. She is passionate for the sport and particularly the team.

For her 90th birthday, we took her to Chicago to have a girls shopping weekend. When I was planning the trip I searched for a hotel that was convenient for shopping on the magnificent mile. I had no preference. I recall that the traffic was particularly heavy and I was frustrated with the hour delay it caused us. Nana was not frustrated I remember her simply staring out the window as she casually announced to me that the Cleveland Indians were in town to play the White Sox. I remember thinking that I didn’t care about baseball as we were here for shopping. I wondered if she would really want us to search for tickets and spend our time at a baseball field instead of shopping.

As we pulled into our hotel, I could not believe what I was seeing ahead of us. It was the Cleveland Indians team bus. The players were beginning to enter the hotel. Yes, the baseball gods were shining on Nana. We were staying in the same hotel as the team. Nana smiled as she got out of the car and said, “Thank God for traffic—timing is everything”. When the players heard that there was a 90 year old fan in the lobby, they signed autographs and took pictures with her. She even received a kiss from Charlie Nagy. It became crystal clear to me in that moment that my Nana was not just a fan but rather a super fan.

Since that day, she has been invited by the owners of the Cleveland Indians on several occasions to join them in the owner’s suite to watch games. She even threw out a wind up, over hand pitch (she likes when I describe it) at a game for her 100th birthday.  Omar Vizquel sent her a signed jersey for the birthday event. Today, as a 101 year old fan, she has been holding interviews with reporters, checking the stats on players and praying for a victory before she dies. She admits that the crack of the bat, the feel of a mitt and the smell of popcorn brings her back to a time when she sat on bleachers with picnic baskets to watch baseball with her sixteen brothers and sisters. Baseball seems timeless.

Roger Angell, a writer for the New Yorker magazine wrote, ”Within the ball park, time moves differently, marked by no clock except the events of the game. This is the unique, unchangeable feature of baseball and perhaps explains why this sport, for all the enormous changes it has undergone in the past decade or two, remains somehow rustic, unviolent and introspective. Baseball’s time is seamless and invisible, a bubble within which players move at exactly the same pace and rhythms as all their predecessors.”

When I read this piece, I finally understood. Baseball represents all that Nana cherishes. Her sport fosters opportunities for all to find a way to be successful despite unique differences. A philosophy that has guided her through life. The baseball field is a place where success is not dictated by the time on a clock but by each and every play much as her 101 years of living has been played.  She has spent a lifetime living her life in the present focusing on each moment with only a casual glance at the clock.

So, tonight as her Cleveland Indians takes the field, she will watch intently, eat her popcorn, yell words of encouragement but mostly she will cherish the pleasure of watching her beloved baseball team —win or lose.

 

Gratitude is the Key

Would you like to sleep better, physically feel better, cope better and think better? Are you looking for something to improve your immune system, reduce your blood pressure and improve your mood? Do want to experience more joy and purpose in your life? Well, it’s simple. The key is to practice gratitude.

Volumes of research shows us that people who practice living a life filled with gratitude tend to be in better health, emotionally happier and are more likely to maintain healthy relationships. But wait, there’s more. Grateful people tend to be more compassionate with a strong desire to do for others in the truest spirit of “paying it forward”.

Gratitude is not only about being thankful. It is about recognizing the gifts and kindness that are given to us. It is a way of thinking that forces us to move away from negative and pessimistic thoughts and to recognize opportunities and moments of joy that can be life sustaining.

There is no arguing that this life is short, temporary, and yet so filled with opportunities to fulfill our purpose. We rely on the voices in our head to guide us in our choices and decisions when we reach a divide on our path. In more recent years, I have learned to rely on gratitude for all that seems small and insignificant, as I have come to appreciate that these are the sentiments that sustains us when the inevitable disappointments and painful moment come in life.

It is our joyful moments that, when stacked together, give us our greatest strength. So, in celebration of World Gratitude Day, Nana and I would like to thank all of you for sharing our message of living a life of gratitude. Many of you have been kind enough to share your stories and messages on how you “stay greedy for life”.

There have been stories of generational love and connection that can only be found in the art of caregiving. A reminder that caregiving is truly a gift we give to ourselves. “When you take care of others, you sleep better at night,” Nana reminds us. You realize that you were here for a purpose.



There is the story of a dear friend, who despite her personal tragedy of losing the husband she knew to a terrible accident, still finds a reason to be grateful every day. She inspires us all with her ability to remain grateful for all the moments in life.



Then there were those silly stories of the importance of living life to the fullest, by embracing the moments in life that give us pleasure. Reminding us that the art of living an authentic life is found in being true to who we are and respecting the same in others.

Nana and I raise our glasses to each and every one of you who are living a life of gratitude. To those of you who are paying it forward and acknowledging the gifts in others, we salute you.

The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you. ~John E. Southard

http://www.amazon.com/Greedy-Life-Memoir-Aging-

Celebrating Grandparents and the Value of Generational Love

“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.”—George Washington Carver

The value of generational love has been a part of our family for decades. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I became an Aunt. I was young and only knew about having fun and being cool. There was no saying, “you can’t have that cookie until after dinner” instead I would show them how to get it from the counter without being caught. They were my sweet little girls in pig tails. Just a few years ago, or so it seems, they stopped wearing those pig tails and became amazing women with families of their own. I never could have imagined that anything could be better than being their Aunt but then I became a Great Aunt. I moved up the generational ladder and caught a glimpse of what being a grandparent someday might feel like.

On a recent visit to my niece Jennifer’s home in North Carolina, I had the privilege of spending some dedicated time with my three great-nephews, Xzavier (age 4) Lennox (age 3) and Nixon (age 14 months). I spent three days saying yes to everything that they asked for, giving baths that had no rules for time or splashing, and absorbing some of the most precious moments. I was sitting on the floor while Nixon took his first steps. I not only had the privilege of watching him walk but of seeing the look on my niece’s face as she watched her baby take his first steps. And the joy of watching Xzavier go off to preschool for the first time just as I had watched his mother. My 101 year old grandmother is right when she says that the generational ladder gives us perspective and love beyond our deepest imagination.

Studies have clearly shown us that being a grandparent and having a grandparent affords us many life benefits. For example, children who have ongoing and consistent contact with a grandparent experience less emotional and behavioral problems. Similarly, grandparents who are actively involved with their grandchildren suffer from less depression as they age and tend to experience overall greater happiness in later years.

There is much to be gained by sharing time with those one, two and sometimes three generations above and below us. In the many years that I have worked in senior care, I have witnessed the power of intergenerational programs. Seniors who were non-responsive suddenly would smile and become engaged. But it wasn’t just the seniors who would benefit, the children would become animated, happy and eager to gain the attention of the seniors as well. Intergenerational relationships are a gift to all who participate. Seniors stay cognitively active and engaged with life when learning about technology or life views from younger people. Similarly, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great-great grandchildren inevitable benefit from the wisdom and traditions of those who lived in a different historical time.

My daughters, as young women, have not only gained from the support and guidance of their grandparents but have developed a sensitivity and deep understanding of the rights and struggles of women—not from a textbook but from their great -great grandmother who lived through the experiences. As a generational family, we have all been enriched and forever changed by the traditions and life lessons that are learned around the kitchen table.

In the late 1970’s, a housewife from West Virginia, Marian McQuade, wanted to encourage and highlight the importance of visiting lonely elderly living in nursing homes. Further, she wanted to persuade grandchildren to stay connected to their grandparents to learn from their life lessons and wisdom. She lobbied for a day to focus on the value of grandparents.

In 1978, President Jimmy Carter signed into law National Grandparents Day. It is recognized on the first Sunday after Labor Day. Unfortunately, very few people know about the day and even less celebrate or acknowledge it. In fact, more people seem to know about Groundhog Day and national toss a fruit cake day.

While I am not a grandparent yet, based on the 2011 AARP survey, I could be, based on my age. The results showed the average age for a first time grandparent is 47 years old. More specifically, in the survey of grandparents who were age 50 and older, 24 percent reported having grandchildren of different ethnicity, race or mixed race and fifty-five percent of having five or more grandchildren compared to grandparents of different generations.

However, a grandparent is a grandparent is a grandparent whether it is a 50 year old new grandparent or an experienced 100 + year old, they all list spoiling and unconditional loving as the number one priority. That said, the role of a grandparent seemingly has expanded over the years. Today, there are more grandparents actively participating in the raising of grandchildren, providing financial support and sharing in custodial care as well as spoiling.

In addition, consider that if a person lives to age 65, their life expectancy is about 84 years old and that one out of every four of them will live past 90 years and one out of 10 of them will live past the age of 95. This means that there continues to be more grandparents, great grandparents and great-great grandparents actively participating in the lives of their grandchildren. What an incredible opportunity for generations to learn from one another.

In the AARP survey, more than 80 percent of grandparents reported communicating with their grandchildren at least once a month by phone, e-mail, Skype or text messaging. The conversations were important and often personal ranging from topics of morals and values, spirituality, illegal drugs, bullying, sex and drinking. In fact, many grandchildren report reaching out to discuss emotionally heavy topics with grandparents as opposed to parents citing that grandparents are often less judging and offer unconditional support.

We all benefit when we value, respect and celebrate our generations. Reaching up two and three generations before us for guidance and insight affords us something that other relationships can’t provide.

On this grandparent’s day, the challenge to all of us is to reach out to our biological grandparents, our surrogate grandparents, and the seniors in our community and celebrate the gift of being generational caregivers.

Tragedy in a Community: The Balance of Support and Privacy

 

 

I am proud to say that I am from Cleveland, OH. It is a city filled with beautiful museums, incredible restaurants and very passionate sports fans that can’t be found elsewhere. It is a city that has stood proud despite many years of being labeled the “mistake on the lake” and worse. We are O-H-I-O proud and strongly believe in the power of supporting our own.

Our strength as a community has been put to the test over the last several years. In 2009, it was discovered that eleven women had been held captive, raped and murdered inside a home in a residential neighborhood.  On February 27, 2012, many of us parents woke to cell phone messages that our schools were in lockdown. Quickly the news came that there had been a shooting at our local high school. Three students were killed and one paralyzed. And  most recently, three young women were found alive after ten years of imprisonment. Gina DeJesus, Michelle Knight and Amanda Berry are well known names in the Cleveland area as families held vigils and kept their faces in the media throughout the time they went missing, for over a decade.

Each and every tragic event brings out our community as we set up fund raisers for the families and the victims. We deliver flowers, balloons and cards to show our support and our concern. Communities are transformed by police cars, yellow tape, media helicopters vans and reporters from all over the world. Local media struggles to tell the stories with sensitivity and accuracy but can often be perceived as intrusive as they knock on doors and try to capture images of the victims.

When tragedy strikes it is our natural spirit to want to do something to manage our own feelings of helplessness and compassion. But perhaps in addition to what we do we need to  focus on what we don’t do as well. Privacy is often what families and victims beg for and so desperately need for healing.

For victims the road to healing begins with feeling safe and secure. This comes with time and private reflection with those that they love. While many of us are eager to hear their stories and want to show them that we did not forget them, that we are here to celebrate their release. We also need to be patient and let them take the lead on when they are ready for our community support.

In fact, perhaps the most supportive thing we can offer at this time to these young women and lefrom occurring.  As with most stories of abduction and abuse, there were signs and warnings. Some are subtle and some more obvious, but they are present. What to do with those signs remains the challenge for a community. Do you call the police because a neighbor seems odd and has plastic covering his windows? Does a family report their loved one to the authorities because they have a lock on a basement door? How far can law enforcement go with investigating all of these complaints? Clearly, the scope of this column cannot begin to address all of these answers but there is value in raising the questions and challenging ourselves to remain involved and aware. Some of our most vulnerable citizens including our frail seniors and children need watchful eyes who are willing to speak up on their behalf.

Research shows us that when we witness abusive situations occurring to others or we see signs of neglect, we convince ourselves that “somebody” else will take care of it. We may struggle with not wanting to get involved in something that we may think is “none of our business”. And often we lack the courage or the knowledge about what to do. Perhaps the best that Cleveland’s own can do for each other is to turn these tragedies into an opportunity for us to get more involved in our communities. To educate ourselves about resources that we can turn to when we need to report incidences of suspected abuse or neglect. And maybe we need to learn to give ourselves permission to say, “it is my business”.

 

 

Make Your Big Girl Shoes Fit

Make Your Big Girl Shoes Fit

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The Things I Didn’t Expect When I Wrote a Memoir

As a psychologist, I have spent the better part of my last twenty years maintaining my privacy. Early training clearly taught me that while the therapeutic relationship between a psychologist and a client is often critical to the change/healing process, personal information about me was not relevant. I never had pictures of my children in my office and took special care during waiting room chit chat to limit topics about me.

With years of experience of doing therapy, I have learned to strike the right balance between my early training of sharing nothing personal to the belief that some information is helpful in establishing and maintaining a therapeutic relationship.

All of that said it is clear to see why writing a memoir for me was like mailing my diary (if I had one) to the world. The word vulnerable does not even begin to capture the feeling I experienced when I woke at 2:00am the day that the book was to be released thinking for the first time about the faces of those who would read my stories.

I worried about my neighbors and my father reading about my sex life. I worried that readers would not be interested in the stories. I worried about revealing information about my marriage but mostly I worried about the impact that the process of revealing would have on my professional life.

Since the release of the book just six weeks ago, I never expected that the book would inspire people in the way that it has or to have what some have called “synchronistic events” or others have called “spiritual guidance”. Either way they have all enriched me in ways I could never have expected when I started to write a memoir.

There was the story of a woman sitting on a plane reading on her kindle and my daughter Katie and her friend Kelli in the seats next to her reading, “Greedy for Life”. They struck up a conversation and the woman shared with them that she was traveling back home after just burying her mother two days ago. She inquired what the girls were reading. My daughter shared that it was a book her mother wrote about families and gratitude. She then offered the woman the book and suggested that she may find it helpful. While fighting back tears, the woman accepted the gift and said, “I think my mom had some hand in my good fortune of selecting the seat next to you.”

Of the 829 people who entered a book giveaway that I offered, one of the winners from Arizona shared the following, “I have struggled with the loss of my husband of 35-years and read book after book on grief and “going on” but haven’t come across one of “what comes next” your book gives me an answer I haven’t found elsewhere. And, my husband was an avid Cleveland Indians fan even up to his death of cancer so this was a little private gift. It made me smile.”

In my late night self-absorbed worries about what readers would think of me, it hadn’t occurred to me that the messages in the stories would resonate with so many. It is a reminder of how connected we all are to each other.

I have written three other clinical books designed to help and guide both professionals and the general public through issues of depression, heart disease and behavioral change, but none has had the impact that this little memoir has had for so many. I never expected the outpouring of hundreds of stories and experiences that have come to me over the last six weeks along with the numerous opportunities to give talks on the themes from the book. And, I clearly never expected that writing a memoir may turn out to be one of the most therapeutic and healing things I have done over the past twenty years.

Behavior in Chardon Court Pours Salt into Open Wounds

Chardon school shooter, TJ Lane appeared in court on March 19th for sentencing. While in the court room family members of those he killed on February 27th 2012, spoke about their loved ones and their loss.

The words were poignant and the emotions raw. Many eulogized their children providing insight into their character, their interests, their laughter, and their loving hearts. They spoke of the pain they have endured over the past year and how the killing on Feb. 27th changed them forever. They held photos of smiling, happy young men in their arms. Some cried while others appeared numb and still in shock. Some unleashed their anger and rage at the shooter calling him a “monster” and a “pathetic, weak, vile coward”. They wished him a “slow, torturous death” hoping that prison life would be hard and painful for him.

For all who watched the proceeding, you could not help but be moved by the strong emotions of anger and sadness that was being expressed.

Then the unthinkable, Lane who had earlier taken off his dress shirt to reveal a t-shirt with the word killer written across the front, began to laugh. He continued to smile, smirk and even gestured with his middle finger to the families and made vile statements, while they spoke of their loss.

The scene played out while we as viewers watched with disgust and horror. Social media lit up with everybody offering their opinions and expressing their anger. Then the phone call came from the media asking for an interview on my professional opinion on what would cause Lane to behave in this manner.

I have served as a media contributor for more than twenty years, addressing the Columbine shooting, the Sandy hook shooting, the Chardon shooting a year ago and other tragedies too numerous to count. But trying to gather my thoughts on what occurred in the court room was different and personal. This is our community with faces of people we love and support.

My reaction and response to these events was difficult to sort out. On the one hand, I am a mother who lives in this community and can very easily understand and relate to the anger and outrage that has been already expressed. Lane’s behavior dumped salt into the open wounds of these families. They deserved to publicly eulogize their children. To express their anger and openly confront the person who killed their loved one and subsequently changed their lives forever. While maybe some solace could have come from seeing remorse or sadness from the killer. Perhaps some observable sign of pain on his part at their words, but instead their anger and pain was further ignited by Lane’s callous and disrespecting demeanor. Of course we as a community share in their anger and empathized with their pain as we watched.

As a psychologist, I offer these thoughts. While Lane was found competent to stand trial, meaning he had the cognitive capacity to understand the proceeding and was able to participate in his own defense, it does not mean he is free of mental illness. Sanity is a legal issue. Sane individuals can suffer from mental illness. I argue that what we witnessed in that court room was the same pathology that entered Chardon high school on Feb 27th 2012. A normal healthy teenager did not kill his three innocent classmates nor did a mentally healthy teenager appear in court taunting the bereaved families.

Sympathy, compassion and forgiveness are words that don’t seem to apply here. Instead I would argue for more diligent recognition of early signs of mental illness, more aggressive treatment and expanded advocacy for mental diseases. What I observed in that courtroom was mental illness. That doesn’t mean that his intentions were not planned and calculated. It does not mean that he is free of responsibility. It doesn’t mean that a lifetime in prison is not justified. It doesn’t even mean that we need to feel sorry for him.

Lane’s sister filled with her own pain, disbelief and shame stood before us expressing her wish that perhaps something good could come from all this pain. Maybe, just maybe these tragic events will turn up the very dim light that currently shines on mental illness and make it more visible.

But for today, my hope is that the families of those killed will feel the support and love of their community. I encourage them to hold tight to their memories and remain inspired by the good that was their sons.