Billy Crystal > Quotes

“That’s the thing about jazz: it’s free flowing, it comes from your soul.”
― Billy Crystal

“Consider the rose...The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place”
― Billy Crystal, 700 Sundays

“Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place”
― Billy Crystal

“Do something special on your birthday. Whatever you do, celebrate the fact that you’re here, and that people love you and you love them. We only do this once.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“Westboro Baptist Church: STOP. Stop protesting the funerals of our soldiers who died in action because you are anti-gay. When one of you dies, I’m going to show up with a couple of gay veterans and we’re going to do a musical at your funeral.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“Nothing can take the sting off the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other golden statues.”
― Billy Crystal

“The kind of people who spoke mostly Yiddish, which is a combination of German and phlegm. This is a language of coughing and spitting; until I was eleven, I wore a raincoat.”
― Billy Crystal, 700 Sundays

“You bought a one-way ticket to New York with no return flight booked,” he says. “I’m flying to New York and I’m not coming back for a month or two,” I explain. “I’m not booking a round-trip flight at this point.” “I understand. No problem. We’ll be finished right after a quick thorough search.” I think he’s kidding. He’s not. I keep trying to joke with him as he frisks me a little too eagerly. “I thought you’d buy me a drink first,” I say. “I guess the only people drinking fifteen minutes before a flight are the pilots.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“We tiptoe around like we’re the Frank family and the Gestapo is downstairs. The baby monitor is in our room, and the unspoken rule is that when the kids go down, so do we. So at seven P.M., I’m in bed waiting for the sandman to come. I can’t watch TV, because the noise may wake up the kids; I can’t listen to music with my iPod earbuds, because then I can’t hear the monitor; and I can’t have sex, because that could wake up Janice.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“It's more important to look good than to feel good.

Billy Crystal on Saturday Night Live”
― Billy Crystal

“Thurmond—same thing. Kennedy, Eisenhower, Clinton . . . all men of power, and the power went right to their pants. Even FDR fooled around. This”
― Billy Crystal, 700 Sundays

“Think of renovating a house like operating the federal government. You start with a budget and the revenue to finance it. Then the special interests keep adding items to the list; you have to end the war between the interior decorator and the electrician, so you pump in more money to buy peace; and by the time you’re done, you’re $16 trillion in debt and having to borrow money from the Chinese.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“...but I had learned over the years that if you're not happy doing what you're doing, then you shouldn't be doing it.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“And if we really want to stay current and relevant, we have to use social media. And by that I mean Facebook. There are one billion people on Facebook. Maybe older people should have our own social media. We can call it What Did That Doctor Do to Your Face Book? In fact, we can have our own text and Facebook abbreviations. We can have our own WTF, LOL, and LMAO. GNIB: Good news, it’s benign. OMG: Oh, my gout. DMMLIMNWD: Don’t make me laugh, I’m not wearing Depends. WAI: Where am I? ITIHSBCR: I think I had sex but can’t remember. ILI: I like Ike. TKDC: The kids didn’t call. DTLSTY: Does this look swollen to you? CTDMELOFM: Call the doctor—my erection lasted over four minutes. PAMUHNASIHSB: Put a mirror under his nose and see if he’s still breathing. Bottom line: we can’t be dial-up in a Wi-Fi world.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“I found a sense of peace on Beechnut. I could just walk with him and not have to say a word. In between takes, I would sit with the cast and Beechnut would stand behind me, sometimes with his head on my shoulder. I didn't have to tie him, up; he would just stand there. I loved being a cowboy... again. The only other times
I'd felt this sense of peace had been while fielding ground balls or playing catch on a baseball field or doing stand-up when everything was working. When filming was over, my agent, Andrea Eastman, gave me Beechnut as a surprise gift. at first, I didn't want him. Owning a horse is an enormous responsibility, and
I was concerned hat my relationship with him was just a location romance. But I accepted, and I rode him until 2009, when he passed away at the age of twenty-eight.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“We all have a different image of what old is, and if you were exposed to senior citizens at a young age, as I was, it can color your soul with terror.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“Insomnia, from the Greek word meaning "I can't fucking sleep!”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“I miss those days, those midnight hours on the turnpike with nothing on the road but trucks and me, and nothing on my mind but the act and how I could make it funnier.”
― Billy Crystal

“We first knew something was up when the construction chief pulled out a stethoscope and started listening to the wall.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“But I say to all of you, as my Mom said to me: Do something special on your birthday. Whatever you do, celebrate the fact that you're here, and that people love you and you love them.”
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“There's no explaining why something's funny. It just is.”
― Billy Crystal