Tim Key > Quotes

“Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car...”
― Tim Key

“POEM#1167 ‘COMMITMENT’ Clark kissed his wife on their first wedding anniversary. On their second anniversary he kissed her twice. On their third anniversary he kissed her four times. And on their fourth he kissed her eight times. On their fifth, sixth and seventh anniversaries he kissed her sixteen, thirty-two and sixty-four times, respectively. By their tenth anniversary he was kissing her 512 times and they both developed rashes and were late for their dinner reservation. On their silver wedding anniversary, they perished – Exhausted and thirsty. Only 800,005 kisses into the contracted 16,777,216. Blinded by romance. Killed by mathematics.”
― Tim Key, The Incomplete Tim Key: About 300 of his poetical gems and what-nots

“riting isn’t easy. People sometimes make the mistake of thinking it is. They make the mistake of thinking any old Tom, Dick or Harry can do it. They look at a book or a text message and they think: ‘I could do that.’ In actual fact they are wrong.”
― Tim Key, The Incomplete Tim Key: About 300 of his poetical gems and what-nots

“POEM#1142 ‘LONGTERMISM’ Barry went to the shops and bought everything he needed for the rest of his life. The carrier bags were so heavy. He got chatting with Mrs York on the way home and, after twenty minutes or so, the handles sliced his fingers off.”
― Tim Key, The Incomplete Tim Key: About 300 of his poetical gems and what-nots

“He has no great lust for war and, in his darker moments, has stated that he thinks there should be no more wars at all. The money saved, he argues, could be plunged into more sophisticated paintballing centres to satiate the needs of the bloodthirsty.”
― Tim Key, The Incomplete Tim Key: About 300 of his poetical gems and what-nots

“My darkest moments come when I imagine what else I could have achieved in the time I devoted to writing this. If I hadn’t wasted my time jizzing this out, what might I have accomplished? This question absolutely pickles me. Obviously the elephant in the room is that I could have become a dentist.”
― Tim Key, The Incomplete Tim Key: About 300 of his poetical gems and what-nots

“POEM#1139 ‘KAFKAESQUEISH?’ Franz Kafka86 Bought an orange. But it tasted exactly like a banana. In addition, it was shaped like a banana and was yellow like the other bananas. He stared gloomily down at his orange, Appalled that it was behaving like this.”
― Tim Key, The Incomplete Tim Key: About 300 of his poetical gems and what-nots