Codependent No More Quotes

“Rescuing and caretaking mean almost what they sound like. We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Many of us learned these things because when we were children, someone very important to us was unable to give us the love, approval, and emotional security we needed. So we’ve gone about our lives the best way we could, still looking vaguely or desperately for something we never got. Some of us are still beating our heads against the cement trying to get this love from people who, like Mother or Father, are unable to give what we need. The cycle repeats itself until it is interrupted and stopped. It’s called unfinished business.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a fact, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system,” wrote Dr. Wayne W. Dyer in Your Erroneous Zones.2”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Sometimes codependents were blamed; sometimes they were ignored; sometimes they were expected to magically shape up (an archaic attitude that has not worked with alcoholics and doesn’t help codependents either). Rarely were codependents treated as individuals who needed help to get better. Rarely were they given a personalized recovery program for their problems and their pain. Yet, by its nature, alcoholism and other compulsive disorders turn everyone affected by the illness into victims—people who need help even if they are not drinking, using other drugs, gambling, overeating, or overdoing a compulsion.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“I worked with people who thought they were going crazy because they had believed so many lies they didn’t know what reality was. I saw people who had gotten so absorbed in other people’s problems they didn’t have time to identify or solve their own. These were people who had cared so deeply, and often destructively, about other people that they had forgotten how to care about themselves. The codependents felt responsible for so much because the people around them felt responsible for so little; they were just taking up the slack.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“I saw people who had gotten so absorbed in other people’s problems they didn’t have time to identify or solve their own. These were people who had cared so deeply, and often destructively, about other people that they had forgotten how to care about themselves. The”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Our consciousness, as individuals and as a society, has been raised. We’ve realized that women have souls, and men have feelings.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Sometimes, the things we do to protect ourselves turn on us and hurt us. They become self-destructive. Many codependents are barely surviving, and most aren’t getting their needs met. As counselor Scott Egleston says, codependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn’t get needs met. We’ve been doing the wrong things for the right reasons.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Not only can we lovingly detach from other people and take care of ourselves, it is our primary responsibility in life to do that. To”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“The important concept here is, get started. Light a fire under yourself.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Many codependents: have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment. become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally. don’t see or deal with their fear of loss of control. think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave. try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination. eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people’s anger. get frustrated and angry. feel controlled by events and people. DENIAL”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“react is important here. However you approach codependency, however you define it, and from whatever frame of reference you choose to diagnose and treat it, codependency is primarily a reactionary process. Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains,”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Detachment involves “present moment living”—living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Some of us may be without a special person to love. That can be difficult, but it is not an impossible situation. We may want and need someone to love, but I think it helps if we love ourselves enough. It’s okay to be in a relationship, but it’s also okay to not be in a relationship. Find friends to love, be loved by, and who think we are worthwhile. Love ourselves and know we are worthwhile. Use our time alone as a breather. Let go. Learn the lessons we are to be learning. Grow. Develop. Work on ourselves, so when love comes along, it enhances a full and interesting life. Love shouldn’t be the concern of our whole life or an escape from an unpleasant life. Strive toward goals. Have fun. Trust God and His timing. He cares and knows all about our needs and wants.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“I believe our professional lives can be different and better. We can learn to take care of ourselves and our needs on the job. And if we are not so absorbed in other people and their business, if we believe we are important, we are free to set our own goals and reach our dreams. We are able to capture a vision for our own lives.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“According to Earnie Larsen and others, the two deepest desires most people have are: to love and be loved, and to believe they are worthwhile and know someone else believes that also.1”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Fun is a normal part of being alive. Fun is taking time to celebrate being alive.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“It is almost impossible to have fun when we are bottled up with repressed emotions, worried sick about someone, saturated with guilt and despair, rigidly controlling ourselves or someone else, or worried about what other people are thinking about us. However, most people aren’t thinking about us; they’re worried about themselves and what we think of them.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Closeness to people may look like scary, mind-boggling business, but it doesn’t have to be that scary. And it’s not that difficult. It even feels good, when we relax and let it happen. It’s okay to feel afraid of closeness and love, but it’s also okay to allow ourselves to love and feel close to people. It’s okay to give and receive love. We can make good decisions about who to love and when to do that. It’s okay for us to be who we are around people. Take the risk of doing that. We can trust ourselves. We can go through the awkwardness and friction of initiating relationships. We can find people who are safe to trust. We can open up, become honest, and be who we are. We can even handle feeling hurt or rejected from time to time. We can love without losing ourselves or giving up our boundaries. We can love and think at the same time. We can take off our track shoes. We”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“We can discuss our feelings and problems without expecting people to rescue us too. We can settle for being listened to. That’s probably all we ever wanted anyway.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“We can tell the truth. Lying about what we think, how we feel, and what we want isn’t being polite—it’s lying. We”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Learn the words: I feel. Let others say those words and learn to listen—not fix—when they do. We”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Start by knowing that who we are is okay. Our feelings and thoughts are okay. Our opinions count. It’s okay to talk about our problems. And it’s okay to say no.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“If we think we’re inappropriate to life our communication will reflect this: We will judge others as having all the answers; feel angry, hurt, scared, guilty, needy, and controlled by other people. We will desire to control others, value pleasing others at any cost, and fear disapproval and abandonment. We will hope for everything but believe we deserve and will get nothing unless we force things to happen, and remain committed to being responsible for other people’s feelings and behavior. We’re congested with negative feelings and thoughts. No”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“I spent many years of my life not even bothering to think about what I wanted and needed, where I wanted to go, and what I wanted to do. Life was to be endured. I didn’t think I deserved good things. I didn’t think most good things were within my reach. I wasn’t that interested in my life, except as an appendage to other people. I didn’t think about living my life; I was too focused on others. I was too busy reacting, rather than acting.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“I spent many years of my life not even bothering to think about what I wanted and needed, where I wanted to go, and what I wanted to do. Life was to be endured. I didn’t think I deserved good things. I didn’t think most good things were within my reach. I wasn’t that interested in my life, except as an appendage to other people. I didn’t think about living my life; I was too focused on others. I was too busy reacting, rather than acting. I”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Remember, decisions don’t have to be made perfectly. We don’t have to be perfect. We don’t even have to be nearly perfect. We can just be who we are. We can make mistakes in our choices. We’re not so fragile we can’t handle making a mistake. It’s no big deal! It’s part of living. We can learn from our mistakes, or we can simply make another decision.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Sharing the emotional part of us with others creates closeness and intimacy. Also, being accepted by someone else for being who we are helps us accept ourselves. This is always a marvelous experience.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“The big reason for not repressing feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us to lose our positive feelings. We lose the ability to feel. Sometimes, this may be a welcome relief if the pain becomes too great or too constant, but this is not a good plan for living. We may shut down our deep needs—our need to love and be loved—when we shut down our emotions. We may lose our ability to enjoy sex, the human touch. We lose the ability to feel close to people, otherwise known as intimacy. We lose our capacity to enjoy the pleasant things in life. We”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Ultimately, too much dependency on a person can kill love. Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need, rather than on love, can become self-destructive. They don’t work. Too much need drives people away and smothers love.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself