Codependent No More Quotes

“We are good. We are good enough. We are appropriate to life. Much of our anxiety and fearfulness stems, I believe, from constantly telling ourselves that we’re just not up to facing the world and all its situations. Nathaniel Branden calls this “a nameless sense of being unfit for reality.”6 I’m here to say we are fit for reality. Relax. Wherever we need to go and whatever we need to do, we are appropriate for that situation. We will do fine. Relax. It’s okay to be who we are. Who or what else can we be? Just do our best at whatever we are called upon to do. What more can we do? Sometimes, we can’t even do our best; that’s okay, too. We may have feelings, thoughts, fears, and vulnerabilities as we go through life, but we all do. We need to stop telling ourselves we’re different for doing and feeling what everyone else does. We need to be good to ourselves. We need to be compassionate and kind to ourselves. How can we expect to take care of ourselves appropriately if we hate or dislike ourselves? We need to refuse to enter into an antagonistic relationship with ourselves. Quit blaming ourselves and being victimized, and take responsible steps to remove the victim. Put the screws to guilt. Shame and guilt serve no long-term purpose.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Pneumonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. Alcoholics will drink until they get the same.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Give life a chance to happen. Give yourself an opportunity to enjoy it.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“reactionaries.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“You can spoil your fun, your day, your life—that’s your business—but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Forgiveness comes in time—in its own time—if we are striving to take care of ourselves. Don’t let other people use this principle against us. Don’t let other people help us feel guilty because they think we should forgive someone, and we are either not ready or believe forgiveness is not the appropriate solution.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Furthermore, we are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings, although we are responsible for choosing to be considerate of people’s feelings.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“The love we give and receive will be enhanced by the love we give ourselves.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“We don’t have to punish ourselves by feeling guilty to prove to God or anyone else how much we care.7 We need to forgive ourselves. Take the Fourth and Fifth Steps (see the chapter on working a Twelve Step program); talk to a clergy person; talk to God; make amends; and then be done with it.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Guilt and shame are not useful as a way of life. Stop the “shoulds.” Become aware of when we’re punishing and torturing ourselves and make a concerted effort to tell ourselves positive messages. If we should be doing something, do it. If we’re torturing ourselves, stop it. It gets easier.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“It (detachment) is not detaching
from the person whom we care about,
but from the agony of involvement.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“When should we detach? When we can’t stop thinking, talking about, or worrying about someone or something; when our emotions are churning and boiling; when we feel like we have to do something about someone because we can’t stand it another minute; when we’re hanging on by a thread, and it feels like that single thread is frayed; and when we believe we can no longer live with the problem we’ve been trying to live with. It is time to detach! You”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“codependency?”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Earnie Larsen, another codependency specialist and a pioneer in that field, defines codependency as “those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Was it safe to assume codependency was triggered through relationships with people who have serious illnesses, behavior problems, or destructive compulsive disorders? Alcoholism in the family helped create codependency, but many other circumstances seemed to produce it, also. One fairly common denominator was having a relationship, personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or dependent people. But a second, more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships.8 These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change—however healthy and beneficial that movement might be. These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families, too.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Love and closeness—involvement with people—are the greatest risks a man or woman can take. They require honesty, spontaneity, vulnerability, trust, responsibility, self-acceptance, and acceptance of others. Love brings joy and warmth, but it also requires us to be willing to occasionally feel hurt and rejection.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“I wanted to be a victim. I continued to act like I did not have choices and that it was always everyone else’s fault in the family for how I felt and reacted.” More”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More Workbook

“I realized that although I was saying I wanted my spouse to get better, I was really afraid of getting better and looking at my own stuff. I kept adding pressure as a way of sabotaging.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More Workbook

“Most of us have been so busy responding
to other people’s problems that we haven’t had time to
identify, much less take care of, our own problems.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More Workbook

“If you could have anything you wanted and it wouldn’t be bad or wrong, what would that be? So”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More Workbook

“Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman’s progress. In his hand, he carried a heavy wooden cane. Each morning, he asked her the same question: “Have you learned everything there is to know yet?” Each morning, her answer was the same. “No,” she said, “I haven’t.” The guru would then strike her over the head with his cane. This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same question, heard the same answer, and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping his assault in midair. Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. “Congratulations,” he said, “you have graduated. You now know everything you need to know.” “How’s that?” the woman asked. “You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know,” he replied. “And you have learned how to stop the pain.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“We don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections of our self-worth.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“We cannot begin to work on ourselves, to live our own lives, feel our own feelings, and solve our own problems until we have detached from the object of our obsession.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“You now know everything you need to know.” “How’s that?” the woman asked. “You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know,” he replied. “And you have learned how to stop the pain.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know,” he replied. “And you have learned how to stop the pain.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“But a second, more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships.8 These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change—however”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“There will be a rightness and an appropriateness to it.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“Most people with codependency issues feel genuinely unlovable. They attach themselves to people by caretaking, hoping to become indispensable instead. “I’d”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More Workbook

“you did your feeling all by yourself. Deal with it. Then, tell yourself the truth about what happened.1 Was someone trying to sock it to you? (If in doubt about whether to interpret something as an insult or rejection, I prefer to believe it had nothing to do with me. It saves my time and helps me feel good about myself.) Were you trying to control someone or some event? How serious is the problem or issue? Are you taking responsibility for someone else? Are you angry because someone didn’t guess what you really wanted or what you were really trying to say? Are you taking someone’s behavior too personally? Did someone push your insecurity or guilt buttons? Is it truly the end of the world, or is it merely sad and disappointing?”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself