Out of Mind, Out of Sight Quotes

“they feel ignored, unappreciated, and unloved. That’s because their context-blind Aspie family members are so poor at empathic reciprocity. As we have learned, we come to know ourselves in relation to others. This doesn’t just apply when children are developing self-esteem. Throughout our lifespan, we continue to weave and re-weave the context of our lives, based on the interactions we have with our friends, coworkers, neighbors and loved ones. This is why it is so important for an NT parent/partner to get feedback from their spouse. A smile, a hug, a kind word, a note of encouragement: These are messages that reinforce the NT’s self-esteem and contribute to a healthy reciprocity in the relationship. Without these daily reminders from their loved ones, NTs can develop some odd defense mechanisms. One is to become psychologically invisible to others and even to themselves.”
― Kathy J. Marshack, Out of Mind, Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome

“Many NT spouses/partners report a variety of psychosomatic and immunodeficiency illnesses, such as migraines, arthritis, gastric reflux, and fibromyalgia. Even weight gain occurs as a result of the hypervigilance required to parent with an Aspie. When the body is regularly thrown into a state of alarm, the over-production of adrenalin and cortisol wreaks havoc with the body’s natural defense mechanisms. These alarm systems are designed for short-term emergencies, not for the daily crises regimen common to NT parents married to Aspies. Left unchecked, real physical illness can emerge in NT parents.”
― Kathy J. Marshack, Out of Mind, Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome

“So let me try to understand this Austen. Your bathroom needs cleaning, right? And you would like to get your laptop back, right? But there is this in-between step that is missing for you—the ‘not doing it’ part. Am I getting your drift?” “Yes that’s it,” said Austen, and he perked up. “Of course I want my laptop back, but Mother’s taking it away won’t make me clean my bathroom. Her actions make no sense to me. I know my bathroom needs cleaning. In fact I want it clean. What’s that have to do with my laptop?” Very Aspie logic. “And do you know how to clean your bathroom? I mean some teenage boys don’t know how,” I offered while I searched for the missing element. “No really that’s not it. I know how to clean my bathroom, but I don’t. It’s the ‘not doing it’ part I need help with.” Austen was trying to explain the missing element when he didn’t have a word for it.”
― Kathy J. Marshack, Out of Mind, Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome

“Austen, I think I got it this time. Let me try to see if this fits. Here are some words for what you are describing. First, you are motivated to clean your bathroom because it does need it. You can even understand your mother’s demand that you clean it, because it is a pit! And it is your responsibility, right?” Austen nods approval. “And you feel a sense of urgency to get your laptop back, too. Right?” Austen nods in the affirmative again. “In fact, you would do almost anything to get your laptop back. Right?” One more time Austen is tracking my logic. “It’s just that you can’t connect cleaning your bathroom and getting the laptop back, because they aren’t related. Right?” “Sure,” Austen says. “It is so obvious that these things aren’t related, and Mother is always trying this stuff. It never works, so why does she bother?” I smile with Austen’s realization. “Actually, this type of approach is used by lots of parents, and it seldom works with teenagers. We parents think that if we withhold a privilege or a favorite item, we’ll get our kids to mind and do things like clean a bathroom. It doesn’t work, and all that happens is a power struggle. But let’s give Mom some slack here and work out your dilemma.” Austen is ready. I explain, “I think the problem is that we need to connect up your motivation to clean your bathroom to your responsibility to clean your bathroom with a call to action to actually clean your bathroom. That will satisfy the urgency you feel to get back your laptop. You’ll get a clean bathroom. You can please your mother. She will be motivated to give you back your laptop even though the laptop has nothing to do with a clean bathroom. This is a win-win solution Austen. You already have motivation, a sense of responsibility, and a feeling of urgency. The only thing that is missing for you is a call to action. That’s the missing piece you keep calling the “not doing it” part. Are you ready to connect the dots?” Austen’s eyes widen, and he smiles. “Yes that’s it!” he says. “I am missing the call to action part.”
― Kathy J. Marshack, Out of Mind, Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome

“One AS husband wrote me the following very powerful e-mail (I have excerpted parts.):       I guess your heart probably sinks just a little when you get a message from an AS man. However, I’ve just read your book and I’d like to thank you for its honesty and indeed bravery.       I’ve been with my NT partner . . . for 25 years and have inflicted many distressing incidents on her similar to those you describe. But I can honestly say that none of them were ever designed to hurt. This feeling has probably made things much worse [for her]! I doubt I would have become so angry and defensive if I didn’t believe myself to be ‘innocent’ of the crime of intention. Hopefully I am coming to realise that I need to do more than just not intend to do harm. . .       . . . Reading your book I think I see parallels here between my fear of being overwhelmed in social or conflict situations. But I also see similarities to those feelings when my partner expresses her frustrations and needs - to admit to her point of view seems sometimes like I would be ‘destroyed.’ I mention this because I get the strong feeling that you equate spirituality and loving relationships. I feel that between myself and . . . there is something very important to us both, beyond companionship. For me there seems to have been a chance given that I would never believed I would have had. . .”
― Kathy J. Marshack, Out of Mind, Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome

“Empathy is part intuition and part taking action. It is the ability that NTs take for granted when they “just know” what is going on with another person. NTs can take action to “just say” or “just do” the right thing to move a relationship toward mutual understanding and mutual success. Empathy is not really a skill. It is not an object either. Empathy is the art of connecting to another person, then back to yourself. By connecting to others, we come to know ourselves, our motives and how we all relate—father to mother, parent to child, brother to sister, friend to friend, neighbor to neighbor, employer to employee. Empathy is so much more than the sum of its parts.”
― Kathy J. Marshack, Out of Mind, Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome

“Those with AS engage in bullying, too. It is often directed only at those in their home; hence when NT adults or children complain about abuse in their home, they often are not believed. Until empathy disorders, the symptoms of mind blindness, context blindness and zero degrees of empathy are understood, it is very difficult for outsiders to comprehend the chaos and abuse of which Aspies are capable.”
― Kathy J. Marshack, Out of Mind, Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome

“a basic human experience, such as giving and receiving love, is not so easy when raising children in AS/NT families. Love is more than feeling it (i.e. emotional empathy). Love is more than talking about it (i.e. cognitive empathy). Love is more than systemizing a moral code to live by (as many Aspies do to compensate for their empathy disorder). Love is more than practicing the Rules of Engagement (although politeness helps).”
― Kathy J. Marshack, Out of Mind, Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome

“I’ve been with my NT partner . . . for 25 years and have inflicted many distressing incidents on her similar to those you describe. But I can honestly say that none of them were ever designed to hurt. This feeling has probably made things much worse [for her]! I doubt I would have become so angry and defensive if I didn’t believe myself to be ‘innocent’ of the crime of intention. Hopefully I am coming to realise that I need to do more than just not intend to do harm. . .       . . . Reading your book I think I see parallels here between my fear of being overwhelmed in social or conflict situations. But I also see similarities to those feelings when my partner expresses her frustrations and needs - to admit to her point of view seems sometimes like I would be ‘destroyed.”
― Kathy J. Marshack, Out of Mind, Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome