Attached Quotes

“A deactivating strategy is any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy. These strategies suppress our attachment system, the biological mechanism in our brains responsible for our desire to seek closeness with a preferred partner.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“And if we lack that sense of security? If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, our romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we’ll find it much harder to maintain focus and engage in life.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Game playing is a deal breaker as far as she is concerned. The important thing about her approach is that Tanya assumes that if her partner treats her disrespectfully, it’s indicative of his inability to be responsive in a relationship, and not of her own worth. She also doesn’t have too many negative feelings about these two men. It’s just a nonissue for her, and she instinctively moves on. This is very different from someone anxious who would probably assume that she was to blame for her date’s actions. She might start to second-guess her own behavior—“I must have come on too strong,” “I should have invited him up,” or “It was so stupid to ask about his ex”—giving the wrong people a second, third, or fourth chance.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring their psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until they do.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, first find the right person to depend on and travel down it with them.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Karen’s self-blaming view of herself as too needy and Tim’s obliviousness to his attachment role are not surprising and not really their fault. After all, we live in a culture that seems to scorn basic needs for intimacy, closeness, and especially dependency, while exalting independence. We tend to accept this attitude as truth—to our detriment.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Another option in a harsh environment is to act in the opposite manner and be intensely persistent and hypervigilant about staying close to your attachment figure (hence, the anxious attachment style). In a more peaceful setting, the intimate bonds formed by investing greatly in a particular individual would yield greater benefits for both the individual and his or her offspring (hence, the secure attachment style).”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic partners). This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones. The mechanism explains why a child parted from his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly, or cries uncontrollably until he or she reestablishes contact with her. These reactions are coined protest behavior, and we all still exhibit them as grown-ups. In prehistoric times, being close to a partner was a matter of life and death, and our attachment system developed to treat such proximity as an absolute necessity.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“adults show patterns of attachment to their romantic partners similar to the patterns of attachment of children with their parents.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“So not only do people with a secure attachment style fare better in relationships, they also create a buffering effect, somehow managing to raise their insecure partner’s relationship satisfaction and functioning to their own high level. This is a very important finding. It means that if you’re with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“• I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me. (Measure of the secure attachment style) • I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. (Measure of the avoidant attachment style) • I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person and this desire sometimes scares people away. (Measure of the anxious attachment style)”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Your date’s response to effective communication can reveal more in five minutes than you could learn in months of dating without this kind of discourse.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Whereas before, she saw every man that she met and liked (and she was picky) as her last chance to find happiness, now prospects were plentiful.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“In Psychological Care of Infant and Child, a popular parenting book in the 1920s, John Broadus Watson warned against the dangers of “too much mother love” and dedicated the book “to the first mother who brings up a happy child.” Such a child would be an autonomous, fearless, self-reliant, adaptable, problem-solving being who does not cry unless physically hurt, is absorbed in work and play, and has no great attachments to any place or person.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Remain true to your authentic self.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“Your attachment needs are legitimate.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“They are there to help us become the best person we can be, as we are for them.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“What we learned from watching the film is just how hard it is to let go concepts we’ve believed in our entire lives - no matter how unhelpful they’ve been.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“The writing was on the wall from the beginning.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“Once we let go of these delusions, the move, like many situations in life, takes on a very different meaning.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“When we’re in love and want to continue a relationship, we tend to ignore the contradictory messages we’re getting.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“Love alone isn’t enough to make the relationship work.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“Don’t feel guilty for feeling incomplete or unsatisfied.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“Reach an entirely new understanding about your different needs in an existing relationship.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“Navigate your way better in the dating world to find someone with intimacy needs similar to your own.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“People have different capacities for intimacy.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached

“We allowed some deeply ingrained misconceptions to influence our thinking.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, Attached