Unconditional Parenting Quotes

“The research overwhelmingly showed that competition holds people back from working or learning at their best. For a variety of reasons, optimal performance at most tasks not only doesn’t require people to try to beat one another—it requires that they be freed from such an arrangement. There is no trade-off. Cooperation makes more sense than competition if we care mostly about bottom-line results, just as it does if our prime concern is how people feel about themselves and those around them.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“My advice is to make a point of apologizing to your child about something at least twice a month. Why twice a month? I don't know. It sounds about right to me. (Almost all the specific advice in parenting books is similarly arbitrary. At least I admit it.)”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“So what, exactly, is the positive reinforcement that’s being suspended when a child is given a time-out? Sometimes he’s doing something fun and is forced to quit. But this isn’t always the case—and even when it is, I think there’s more to the story. When you send a child away, what’s really being switched off or withdrawn is your presence, your attention, your love. You may not have thought of it that way. Indeed, you may insist that your love for your child is undiminished by his misbehavior. But, as we’ve seen, what matters is how things look to the child.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“The inevitable result of consistently employing power to control [your] kids when they are young is that [you] never learn how to influence.” The more you rely on punishment, therefore, “the less real influence you’ll have on their lives.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“Not only is that all we can do; it’s what we have to keep doing, no matter how many of those meals end up in the garbage can.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“It’s more common to ignore the epidemic of punitive parenting and focus instead on the occasional example of permissiveness—sometimes even to the point of pronouncing an entire generation spoiled. It’s revealing, and even somewhat amusing, that similar alarms probably have been raised about every generation throughout recorded history.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“you’re so busy trying to deal with the implications of failing that you don’t have the time and energy to do what it takes to succeed.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“There’s a huge difference between a student whose objective is to get a good grade and a student whose objective is to solve a problem or understand a story. What’s more, the research suggests that when kids are encouraged to focus on getting better marks in school, three things tend to happen: They lose interest in the learning itself, they try to avoid tasks that are challenging, and they’re less likely to think deeply and critically.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“Competition makes self-esteem conditional and precarious, and it has that effect on winners and losers alike. What’s more, the effect isn’t limited to “excessive” competition. Rather, it appears that anytime children are set against one another such that one can succeed only by making others fail, there is a psychological price to be paid. *  *  *”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“Obviously, things work best when parents and teachers are helping kids to become good people—and, better yet, when they’re actively supporting one another’s efforts.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“The point isn’t just whether children know what to expect; it’s whether what they’ve come to expect makes sense.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“What matters most is the reason for our decisions, and the extent to which we’re willing to provide guidance, to support children’s choices, to be there with them—all of which is a lot more challenging than just saying yes or no.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“When you come right down to it, the whole process of raising a kid is pretty damned inconvenient, particularly if you want to do it well. If you’re unwilling to give up any of your free time, if you want your house to stay quiet and clean, you might consider raising tropical fish instead.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“When you stand by and let bad things happen, your child experiences the twin disappointments that something went wrong and you did not seem to care enough about her to lift a finger to help prevent the mishap.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“After all, if we want a child to grow into a genuinely compassionate person, then it’s not enough to know whether he just did something helpful. We’d want to know why.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“But, as with punishments, they can never help someone to develop a commitment to a task or an action, a reason to keep doing it when there’s no longer a payoff.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“Nothing is more important to us when we’re young than how our parents feel about us. Uncertainty about that, or terror about being abandoned, can leave its mark even after we’re grown.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“My mother maintained a sense of loving connection with me even during our worst conflicts” or “When my dad disagrees with me, I know that he still loves me.”13 So, how would you like your children to answer that sort of question in five or ten or fifteen years—and how do you think they will answer it?”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“Some parents withdraw their love by simply refusing to respond to a child—that is, by making a point of ignoring him. They may not say it out loud, but the message they’re sending is pretty clear: “If you do things I don’t like, I won’t pay any attention to you. I’ll pretend you’re not even here. If you want me to acknowledge you again, you’d better obey me.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“Use your words!' is a common instruction given to small children, sometimes even when they don't really have the right words. But the best way for us to use our words is to help kids see that the reason to help - and not to hurt - isn't what they'll get out of it, but the effects their actions have on others. To put it differently, I'm all in favor of teaching by 'consequences,' as long as the consequences we're stressing are those experienced by the people our children are interacting with rather than just those that they themselves experience.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“As Thomas Gordon pointed out, 'The inevitable result of consistently employing power to control [your] kids when they are young is that [you] never learn how to influence.' The more you rely on punishment, therefore, 'the less real influence you'll have on their lives.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“In extreme cases, the "press for success" can reach a fever pitch, such that the child's present is essentially mortgaged to the future. Activities that might bring meaning or enjoyment are sacrificed in a ceaseless effort to prepare for Harvard.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“When unconditional love and genuine enthusiasm are always present, "Good job!" isn't necessary; when they're absent, "Good job!" won't help.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“The research suggests that praise may have [a negative, unintended] effect, directing attention away from the task [at hand] and toward your reaction.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“Empowered kids are in the best position to deal constructively with disempowering circumstances. And we, as parents, are in the best position to empower them - as long as we're willing to limit our use of power over them.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“Norman Kunc, who conducts workshops on inclusive education and non-coercive practices, points out that "what we call 'behavior problems' are often situations of legitimate conflict; we just get to call them behavior problems because we have more power" than children do. (You're not allowed to say that your spouse has a behavior problem.)”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

“Being afraid of failure isn't at all the same thing as embracing success. In fact, the former gets in the way of the latter.”
― Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason