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Perhaps that is what it is like being with other people. Perhaps even people you like and admire immensely can make you see the World in ways you would rather not. Perhaps that is what Raphael means.

'A vision of cosmic grandeur, I suppose. A symbol of the mingled glory and horror of existence. No one gets out alive?'

"Ladies & Gentlemen, let the Fiftieth Hunger Games begin!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"Ladies & Gentlemen, let the Fiftieth Hunger Games begin!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“I feel exhausted and energised, happy and tearful, full of hope and despair. Contradictions that only make sense when you know you're in love.” 🥹✨

“I wanted to… until I found him.” 🫠🫠🫠🫠

Anyway, rules are what protect us all. It's
what we're fighting for. Order. The right way. On the other side, chaos. Tearing up a nation's borders because it suits you. Invading, destroying homes, communities. Burning it all to ashes. Killing innocent people simply because you want their land. And dressing all that carnage up in the language of a righteous crusade. It's only rules that stop us devouring each other.

Je n’ai pas besoin de dominer pour me sentir exister.

De vous deux, c'est le seul dont l'amour ait dépassé l'amour passionnel des débuts. Toi, tu vis encore dans cette phase d'obsession qui ne dure normalement que les premiers mois d'une relation. Tu ne lui fais même pas confiance, c'est comme si vous n'aviez rien construit ensemble.»

«Je pense que tu te trompes sur toute la ligne. Tu ne t'es jamais dit que ton mari t'aimait plus que toi tu l'aimes? Tu dis que tu es folle amoureuse de lui, mais ne crois-tu pas que c'est lui le véritable amoureux?

'But maybe sometimes we need a bit of chaos?' I try. 'Just to keep things ... alive?'

There must be no greater feeling in the world than to know that this isn’t forever.

That reminds me of something Winnicott said - about the "true self". He said it is only accessed through play?

He meant our true self only appears when there is no one to perform to - no audience, no applause. No expectation to be met. Playing serves no practical purpose, I suppose, and requires no reward. It is its own reward.

Once I saw the kid in me, I started seeing kids in other people - all dressed as adults, play-acting at being grown-up. But I saw through the performances now, to the frightened children beneath. And when you think of someone as a child, it's impossible for you to feel hatred. Compassion arises, and -

'After all, that's what he grew you for, isn't it, Elliot? A strong adult body, to look after him and his interests? To take care of him, protect him? You were meant to liberate him - but ended up becoming his jailer.'

'When we are young', Mariana said, 'and afraid - when we are shamed and humiliated - something happens. Time stops. It freezes, in that moment. A version of us is trapped, at that age - forever.’

'A frightened child is hiding in your mind - still unsafe; still unheard and unloved. And the sooner you get in touch with that child and learn to communicate with them, the more harmonious your life will be.'

God knows, we spend our whole lives not being heard.

The real tragedy is, of course, by always looking outwards, by focusing so intently on the other person's experience, we lose touch with our own. It's as if we live our entire life pretending to be ourselves, as imposters impersonating ourselves; rather than feeling this is really me, this is who I am.

Those like us were not meant to be kind. We were born to rage and burn and destroy all that must be destroyed, so that maybe, one day, much better people than us can live in a world where they’re rewarded for their kindness instead of having it twisted to bind them.

I’m sorry. For being the way I am. This world has not made me kind.

Him wanting to fuck me doesn’t mean he respects me. In fact, it probably makes him respect me less. Men like him are strange like that, seeing what should be intimacy as conquest instead.

After all, a society that takes care of its own does not produce children who grow up dreaming of burning it down.

Every oppressor, through their denial of humanity, sows the seed of their own destruction.

If to exploit is an element of human nature, then this, to resist exploitation, is also human nature. No exploiter has ever lived in peace without weapons, their soldiers, and their propaganda and lies. And I have enough faith in human self-interest to believe that those who do the true labor of society will rise for their own sake until there are no more exploiters to combat, however many eons it may take.

Do you understand what revolution is? A revolution is always a tragedy, a destructive force unleashed by those stripped of every last option for peace. There's not a revolutionary in history who doesn't wish they could've gotten what they wanted within the world order they knew, but you cannot reform a system designed to keep power out of your hands.

At night we crossed the hollows of each other's skin, and when he kept I would lay beside him, feeling the warmth where our limbs octed, aching the soft pulse at his throat. His eyes had creases, and his neck had more. When people saw us, they thought I was younger. But though I looked and sounded like a mortal, I was a bloodless fish. From my water I could see him, and all the sky behind, but I could not cross over.

“I had no right to claim him, I knew it. But in a solitary life, there are rar moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. Such a constellation was he to me.”