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“You have to hope that he died before realising how alone he really was. You have to hope that he died still thinking that somebody loved him in the way he had wanted to be loved.”

“I remember lying down in that lonely bedsit and thinking about him and crying. I wasn’t crying because I was sad or worried, because I wasn’t those things yet. And I wasn’t crying because of the pain of missing him exactly. I was crying with a kind of enjoyment at the very fact that I was missing him, at that modest pain in me whenever I was missing a man”

“ I had nothing to do with myself, nor did I want anything to do, I only wanted to be busy missing him.”

“We broke up six months later because of me. I was unhappy even then, even when I was blissfully happy with him. I was already deeply into my cutting and starving. I knew enough to keep that hidden from him at first, and then I slowly forgot. ”

eu!

“ So much time had passed. So much time had passed since I had thought clearly about anything but Ciaran.”

“I felt sure that Dad was going to die. A punishment, I thought.
A punishment for ignoring my family; a punishment for needing only someone who could not see me, instead of needing the people who could.”

“He did not love me – couldn’t, for what Me was there to love? What Me had he ever known? – but he had become attached to me, dependent on me.
I had carefully created a circumstance in which a kind of love could be bred in him, like a scientist manipulating lab conditions.
I had exhausted his reserves, eroded his natural resistance, and now I was finished.”

never doing this again nopeno

“I would love to have one moment of want in my life when I am sure what I’m feeling is all my own and nothing to do with men, with what has happened with men in the past, with what they have said about me and my body, what thoughts they have put in my head without me even knowing.”

“True also, though, that despite my often sincerely shameless enjoyment of sexual greed, my promiscuity has sometimes been compelled by self-loathing. By a sudden and desperate need to have my beauty confirmed,”

nu mai vreau handralau gataaa

“I made mistakes like that all the time, seeking affirmation from the very worst people, so that what I must have been after deep down was confirmation of the fears instead of their dismissals. ”

“ Always things are being done to me. Rarely do I do things myself.”

“I dreaded for them to see what I ate, to know what went inside me, because the more they knew the more I would be forced to sincerely inhabit the role I was playing, the harder it would become to tell the difference between the me in there and the me at home.”

“The part of me that enjoyed being an accessory to him felt gratified by the calm and stillness of sitting beside him in silence, no demands made of me except to be attractive and pleasant and friendly, but soon the boredom became too much and I stayed home instead.”

“If he got something out of me, I was taking something from him, too. I was taking away his ability to live without me easily. I subbed his rent, I cooked his food, I cleaned his clothes, so that one day soon there would come a time when he could no longer remember how he had ever done without me, and could not imagine doing so ever again.”

“And after all, what individual had I been before? What identity was there to erase with my newfound house-pride? I had never found one resilient enough to live on in my memory once it had gone. There had never been one real enough to miss. I disappeared with perfect peace.”

.

“ But then I saw that siding with him was the safer thing to do. If I agreed with his outrage, and complained about the same things he did, we were by default teammates. He would begin to see me as not of the world that so angered him, but of his own world, the small one”

ughh

i hate men

“I would not allow him to be gone from me for ever. That was why I was unable to mourn authentically, how I could keep from abandoning myself.”

“I arrived to the dance and it was terrible. The boys were as boring, as childish, as ever. They did not resemble the boys in films, all played by twenty-five-year-olds, I had wanted to impress. The picture I had made in my head of me showing up and everyone turning to applaud my newfound beauty had not been realised. I went home. I had made myself an image and it had not worked.”

“It seemed to sum up all the ways in which men could take you without your permission and turn you into something you had never been, which had nothing to do with you.”

“And now he had left me and I was even less than that again – so much less. Now there was no thought that did not have to do with him and I did not want anything that wasn’t him. ”

“Every moment of my day was saturated by his absence, each second made damp and collapsing and airless beneath it. I sat staring into space for hours at a time, unable to move beneath the weight. I enjoyed my pain because it made me less than ever. I was nothing but living nerves, a petri dish of matter. I had no characteristics outside of it.”

“. I hated it but also worshipped it with an obscene devotion, because I knew what it was capable of inciting in myself and in others. In the mirror, I wanted to cry out with distress one moment, wanted to break the glass and cut great chunks of it away. The next I was on my knees staring in dizzy adoration, grazing my hands over the gentle shelving of my ribs, looking down at it from the same angle a boy would"

“ we might think sometimes about the misery of having a teenage body, a teenage girl’s body especially, how tedious and painful and punitive, and remember that sex might be the first time she realises that bodies can be made to feel good. That the million sensitive places which cause you to feel pain can also be sensitive to pleasure. That when you want to cry it will not always be from sadness.”

“But when I returned to Waterford it seemed again my defining trait, my characteristic failure. Every time I came back it was a reminder that, at least there, at least home, at least where it counted, I would always be wrong. I would always look like a misshapen version of my True Self, a hastily sketched approximation of a human being.”

“And then, whenever I fall in love, everything is made new, including myself. My body, my brain, the way I see the simplest things. And the best part is it doesn’t even have to be the first time to work. If I fuck it up once, the next time works just as well.”

“I was nothing, and I was happy to be nothing if nothing was what pleased him best. If nothing was the least trouble, then I would be it, and gladly. I would be completely blank and still if that was what worked, or as loud as he needed me to be to take up his silences. I would be energetic and lively if he was bored, and when he tired of that, I would become as prosaic and dully useful as cutlery.”

“Feeling this wrongness I knew it was true at last, and couldn’t believe it. I kept on stroking and stroking him, making deals with God. Thinking, If I stand here all night; thinking maybe if I stroked the awful, dead-thing stomach one thousand times exactly, thinking, Please, please, God, send him back to me, give him back to me, I won’t stop asking.”

can't se my life without kylie so i would do it too