Status Updates From How to Do the Work: Recogni...

Achieving intimacy requires expressing your
authentic Self (as shadowy as it can often be)
without fear of being misunderstood or facing
reproach or retribution. When we are in a safe
space of mutual respect, we can express our
divergences without fear and still return to
homeostasis. This knowledge-that we have a
core resting state within reach--gives us the
flexibility to tolerate discomfort.

As the large majority of us are living with a dysregulated nervous system, we find ourselves literally unable to feel safe enough to connect with others. We are trapped in fight, flight, or freeze responses that make it psychologically impossible to form authentic bonds. This state is reflected back to those around us, who can’t help but internalize it.

Once we’ve expressed our needs and openly established our boundaries, we can enter an arena where we feel secure.

The more we learn self-accountability, the stronger our faith in our Self will grow. This allows for failure. It allows for flexibility and forgiveness when we inevitably fall off the path. When we have self-trust, we know that the path is still there waiting for us. This is the essence of self-accountability that leads to empowerment.

Emotional
maturity is about combining softness and
toughness when necessary-not only with the
people around you but with yourself.

as we continue to dig more and more to try to understand their conditioning and life circumstances, we can begin to empathize without explaining the problems away. You can relate to their wounds and
feel for their suffering while maintaining the
boundaries that are necessary for your men
tal, physical, and emotional health.

As you cultivate more grace toward and acceptance of your own imperfections, you may find yourself extending a similar compassion to your own parent-figures (as hard as that may be) and other
loved ones. coming to accept that they are
fallible beings can be frustrating, even rage in
ducing.

This reciprocal authentic expression is the core of the secure attachment style. When you come from a place of security and safety, you are freer to navigate the world around you, make mistakes, and get back up when you fall. This builds up our internal resources and
helps foster resilience as we navigate all the
hardships that life inevitably brings.

When you come from a place of security and safety, you are freer to navigate the world around you, make mistakes, and get back up when you fall. This builds up our internal resources and helps foster resilience as we navigate all the hardships that life inevitably brings.

With that safety and security, children will begin to reflect that honesty and security right back—a relationship of authentic Self expression cocreated and co-experienced by parent-figure and child. This reciprocal authentic expression is the core of the secure attachment style we encountered earlier.

parent-figures can rest assured that the traumas experienced in childhood will not be debilitating if a space of authentic love is created and internalized by the child. If parent-figures can cultivate the ability to hear and accept the differing realities of their own children, they will grant them permission to question and express the views and experiences of their authentic Self to the rest of the world.

When we model stress tolerance, or the ability to sit through difficult feelings and let them pass, our children will develop the internal reserve that will go on to sustain them in their childhood world and well into their adulthood.

Staying in a balanced and self-expressed state will help your child deal with their own moments of dysregulation, using you as a secure base to help return to safety.

As a parent-figure, the best thing you can do for your child is to devote time and energy to making sure that you are taken care of. When you honor your body, learn how to harness the power of your nervous system response, access your authentic Self, and model emotional regulation and flexibility, your child internalizes it all through co-regulation.

It creates a sense of confidence that enables us to face the challenges thrown at us without needing anything outside ourselves to take away our “feel-bads.”

The challenge for so many of us is to honor the emotions that come up in our body. It is often helpful to witness the stories that play out in our mind: note that they’re happening, be present, and try not to judge. Enduring requires an inner trust that soothing methods do not; we have to have faith in ourselves that we will get through this.

When I try to ease my feelings by relaxing—reading a book (my favorite hobby) or taking a bath—it actually puts me more on edge

I realized that when I’m angry or agitated—another feeling I’ve historically confused with anxiety—I benefit from moving my body. Anything that I experience as stagnating feels counterproductive. That means that when I’m feeling challenged, I take a walk. I do the dishes. I get my body moving any way I can to discharge the physiological energy associated with my feelings.

Stepping away from instinctive reactivity gives us the ability to sever the mind-body activation circuit and just exist with our body’s sensations. When we resist the habit of creating a story about where our emotions came from, we shorten our body’s often prolonged physiological reactions. In doing so, we can come to experience the truth that they will pass.

Your body can’t tell the difference between what was in the past and what is happening in the present—it’s all threatening

those of us who are dissociated and don’t allow ourselves to feel what we’re feeling, sensations can’t properly pass through us, remaining trapped as we keep ourselves a safe distance away. When you replay distressing thoughts, you activate your nervous system response as if you’re experiencing the distressing event again.

The fundamental aspect of emotional maturity is the ability to be aware of and regulate our emotions in order to allow others to express themselves. Or simply the ability to tolerate all of our emotions without losing control

One of the major achievements of emotional maturity is learning how to be at peace with these misunderstandings or with being misunderstood. This will help you to continue to live your life as your most authentic Self—no matter what the fallout may be—when your opinions, beliefs, and realities are valid—not in relation to anyone else, just because you have them.

our obsession with “views” and “likes” being driven largely by our unmet need to be seen and heard. Most of us spend loads of mental energy trying to be understood.

Letting go of the fear of what others think, the conditioned state of judgment, and all the pain of our wounded inner child is all part of the joyful side of the reparenting process.

The reality is this: You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to fall short. You’re going to mess up in some way or another. It’s not only okay, it’s actually beneficial in the long term. Experiencing some stress helps children build resilience, which is a key component of emotional maturity.

How can we make sure we don’t do this to our children?” is a question I’m asked almost every day. Let’s get this out of the way: you can’t. Parenting is difficult and incredibly emotionally activating. Being present and attuned to oneself enough to be present and attuned to another in order to identify and meet their needs is a tall order.

it’s helpful to do so without expecting that an outside party will validate your reality or experiences. The only person who can do that for you is you. Your reality is valid because you’ve experienced it, not because someone or something external has said so.

This makes perfect sense; our parent-figures have lived in a conditioned state for their whole lives. Decades of learned behavior do not just evaporate when you point them out. There will undoubtedly be confusion. Sometimes these conversations may be more hurtful than they are productive. There might even be anger directed back at you.

If you’re going in with the expectation that your parent-figures will apologize, validate your feelings, or affirm your experience, I suggest holding off on having this conversation until you feel more tolerant of the uncertainty of the outcome. Your inner healing is the priority. Often, parent-figures are not as open to these conversations as many of us would hope.