Status Updates From The Insidious Dr. Fu-Manchu

Fu Manchu has the eyes of "a cold douche." My, how language evolves.

There could not be more dragons in this decor if this was the stage of a Megaman boss called Dragon Man.

Even the dragons on Fu Manchu's rugs are shifty and inscrutable. Rohmer wouldn't know subtlety if subtlety teamed up with four other different colored versions of subtlety, formed a giant robot, and stepped on him.

Oh, wow. I just realized that I'm reading a book about an obvious knock-off of a popular character fighting a one-man war on an entire ethnicity. This is Frank Miller's Holy Terror a century early

It's like Cyrano, only the best friend is suggesting the girl in question would quite like being dragged by her hair into a cellar and threatened with a whip.

"Lock me up, and I'll tell you everything! You wanna beat me?" The romantic dynamic between our protagonist and the femme fatale makes 50 Shades of Grey look like a gender studies textbook.

"Fu Manchu did it." "Kinda looks like a magic Egyptian mummy did it." " . . . He must work for Fu Manchu."

Our detective is very clear: being Chinese is enough reason to suspect someone works for Fu Manchu. I really want to see Shang Chi and the Girl with Ghost Eyes team up and kick the crap out of everyone in this book, although I bet her father would disapprove of . . . something.

Damn, Rohmer filled this mansion with a diverse array of ethnicities just to achieve a singularity of stereotypes.

A doctor. A detective. An inspector. This really is just an astoundingly racist knock-off Sherlock Holmes.

According to this, Chinese parents buy scorpions to murder their girl babies. How barbarous. Everyone knows civilized people use craigslist. If I didn't laugh, I'd scream. I bet people believed this. It's like a Bond novel crossed with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. . . . and one of my favorite Marvel characters came out of it.

Dear me. A murdered English noble with a Chinese butler in a Fu Manchu novel. I'm sure I could never solve this dastardly mystery.

"No white man, I honestly believe, appreciates the unemotional cruelty of the Chinese." Well, Dr. Petrie, we gave them a longer, more boring Chinese version of Iron Man 3, so who's the cruel schmucks now?

So early on, Fu Manchu is not a mastermind, but an agent working for a secret council of Chinese Government officials. He's literally China's Nick Fury.

It's dead obvious that "chapter 7" is actually where the second short story starts. Wonder why they didn't just go the Sherlock Holmes route: "The Case of the Exotic iced Other." "The Adventure of the Terrifying Asian" etc...

Also, I did not understand any of this Chinese man's dialogue until I realized I had to read the l's as r's.

Sax Rohmer describes Chinese people's hands as "paws."

Yep, I've never heard someone post-WW2 describe someone of Asian persuasion as chattering in a simian fashion before. This is exactly what I expected from this book.

I know this place! This is the opium den from the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comics!

Merciful Glob, our "hero" is discussing dyeing his skin dark to pass as a "Dago." This author really l is going to give Lovecraft a challenge in the Great Racism-Off. . . . I'm rooting for Mr. Potato Head to kill them all.

You know, no one in this book has actually described or explained who Fu Manchu is, despite people throwing his name around. 30 pages in, this book would make an equal amount of sense if you replaced every occurrence of Fu Manchu with Mr. Potato Head

Star Trek humanized aliens more than Rohmer humanized Asians.

Our protagonist can apparently recognize the genus of a centipede "in one breathless instant." I guess everyone has their hobbies

Why is the author using the word "dacoit?" is Fu Manchu employing Indian highway robbers?

Our hero reminds us that A) all women are dangerous two-edged swords, but thankfully B) "Oriental" women fall for white men at the drop of a hat. Any hat. Nayland Smith is a YouTube comments/shifty subreddit version of James Bond. So, James Bond, I guess.

"I heard an eerie wail." "What, like this one?" Our dashing hero imitating an eerie wail would only work in the movies if he's played by Inspector Clouseau. . . . Mel Brooks would make a great Fu Manchu film.

Even the phrase "it contained a blank sheet of paper" is ended with an exclamation point in this book. And then our protagonist is commanded to smell it

Never forget, people. Our hero is fighting for "the interests of the entire white race!" . . . I miss the killer crabs already . . .

"That scar was caused by a dart addicted Cobra Venom!" "Oh, my!" "Further, IT WAS NOT AN ACCIDENT!" Well, duh. Not many people play envenomed lawn darts anymore . . .

This book has more exclamation points than a drunk person playing Metal Gear