please help me revise this!!!

[[deleted user]]

I wrote this short story today and it's realllyyy bad so I need people to give me feedback, particularly about the ending of it which I'm not sure if I like. Im not sure if it has any potential at all, but if it does please tell me but give my some feedback too! i'd really appreciate if you gave me feedback not just loads of compliments because I would rather have good feedback.

The storys first draft is on my blog. Here's the link to the page its on:
http://leopardkittybooks.blogspot.ca/...

Please read?! :) thanks.

[Stan]

"in front of me," I think a semi-colon might be better than a comma. In the first sentence you are mixing tenses, for example, "fixed" versus "will."
Consider tightening the second sentence. "My fingers just barely touch the silky petals, and it is so silent that it felt loud, like I was at a party where all the voices blended together into one steady hum."
How about;
My fingers barely touch the silky petals, and it is so silent it felt loud, like I was at a party where all the voices blended together into one steady hum.

After that it gets interesting.

[[deleted user]]

thank you for your help! :)

[K.L.]

Hi Anne,

I read your short story, is it just something you did freely or is it an assignment with restrictions on it (work count, etc.)?

First off you've got better vocabulary than a lot of writers and that is a big step. Being able to express things that might be similar, and make them 'feel' different to a reader is important and vocab helps with that, so keep expanding it.

One thing we might take a look at is your stories flow. It feels a little bumpy in places as you transition from one scene to the next or from one thought/image to another.

Here is an example, where the narrator is talking about her little brother, then switches to her sister.

I can distantly hear my younger brother, Henry, talking about school that day, but I don't really pay attention to what he was says.
Delphine is almost exactly a year older than I am, which means she's fourteen. We've always been civil to each other but not very close.

Look out for instances like that. To fix it, do you need to talk about the brother more and segway into the sister, or do you need to get rid of the brother and just go with the sister? On thing to keep in mind is that if the narrator views something as of little value (the brothers prattle) the reader is very likely to do so as well. Toy with it both ways and see what happens.

[[deleted user]]

K.L. wrote: "Hi Anne,

I read your short story, is it just something you did freely or is it an assignment with restrictions on it (work count, etc.)?

First off you've got better vocabulary than a lot of write..."
thanks!:D