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Danny
(new)
Aug 10, 2012 11:38AM
Okay, this is a thread for anyone who wants in-depth, constructive criticism for their story. Post the link to your story in this thread and Either me or The Mighty Katara will review it, telling you what was good and what needs fixing. NOTE: The criticism will be brutally honest; if you can't handle negative feedback don't post here.
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Well I would post the prologue of my novel, but I just sent it off to the editor so it doesn't exactly seem right to. Instead, I'd appreciate some feedback on my contest entries. I don't know which one to post--would you like to choose one, or should I pick one randomly and post it here?
Choose any two of your contest entries and post the links here.
Okay, I'll delete those comments.
Here you go. Comment 51 and 54: http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/9...
Here you go. Comment 51 and 54: http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/9...
You don't have to read all of the chapters. At least the first chapter (which is actually the prologue) would be greatly appreciated!http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
Mod
The Symptom: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
The Edge: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
Something Else Entirely: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
Wow, I'm pleased with all the entries :) I just finished reading district2tribute's story and am starting on a review. The Mighty Katara is going to review Like a Moth to a Flame, and we'll get to all the other stories too.
Here's mine. I would really appreciate if someone could read it.http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
Mod
Here you go. Comment 51 and 54: http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/9..."
Okay, well, I have a lot of complai..."
Excuse me, but I'm just gonna say this: I hated your review on Ashlyn's story. What part of that was constructive? You just tore it apart, but didn't give her any ideas to make it better. I loved her story, and all those things you complained about, I LOVED.
All that said, I am really excited to see what you say about mine ... hahaha 'cause I don't care if you do this to mine, 'cause at least it's your true opinion, which is hard to get.
The Mighty Katara wrote: "Ashlyn wrote: "Okay, I'll delete those comments.
Here you go. Comment 51 and 54: http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/9..."
Okay, well, I have a lot of complai..."
Well, I was actually going for her not being the brightest. Somewhere indicated is the fact that she stayed in her house practically her whole life. I didn't want her to be too intelligent for someone that's never been away from home except for maybe one or two times. That's why she didn't think about paying for her bracelet. That's why she's so awkward around people.
And the stalkerness I was kicking myself for. The sole reason I had that happen was because I didn't want to have a story too long.
With the guy...not all good people are pretty. That's why I didn't make him so. He wasn't meant to be funny, actually. And the salesman was just hairy and such because that's how I pictured him :P
"Rat's tails" happens when your hair gets wet and sort of becomes a bunch of wavy sections. They look like tails, hence the name. And mousy is a colour of hair.
Paragraph eight: She went under because she was relaxed and didn't notice she was sinking, and when she did there was a slight moment of panic.
Yeah, so there are my arguments. But thank you for the review. This personally isn't one of my favourite stories of mine. It's more frivolous than my usual.
Here you go. Comment 51 and 54: http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/9..."
Okay, well, I have a lot of complai..."
Well, I was actually going for her not being the brightest. Somewhere indicated is the fact that she stayed in her house practically her whole life. I didn't want her to be too intelligent for someone that's never been away from home except for maybe one or two times. That's why she didn't think about paying for her bracelet. That's why she's so awkward around people.
And the stalkerness I was kicking myself for. The sole reason I had that happen was because I didn't want to have a story too long.
With the guy...not all good people are pretty. That's why I didn't make him so. He wasn't meant to be funny, actually. And the salesman was just hairy and such because that's how I pictured him :P
"Rat's tails" happens when your hair gets wet and sort of becomes a bunch of wavy sections. They look like tails, hence the name. And mousy is a colour of hair.
Paragraph eight: She went under because she was relaxed and didn't notice she was sinking, and when she did there was a slight moment of panic.
Yeah, so there are my arguments. But thank you for the review. This personally isn't one of my favourite stories of mine. It's more frivolous than my usual.
Mod
Well, I respect everyone's opinions.
District2tribute wrote: "http://www.goodreads.com/story/list/9... i only have two chapters but i will post more soon thx"Okay, as I said before, I’m going to be brutally honest in my reviews. You don’t do someone any favours by pretending. Also, I know this review is rally long, but district2tribute better read the whole thing because I spent a lot of work on it. I'm going to have to post it in two parts. Now to the review of Crying Over Lamb.
I liked the idea for the setting, and I think the basic plot idea is okay, but overall the story is seriously flawed and needs to be rewritten. My major problems with the story are the feeling-less dialogue, the historically inaccurate setting, and the often clunky prose. Hopefully this review will give you some pointers so you can revise it.
Let’s start at the beginning. I don’t understand the title and think it really should be changed. Maybe it makes sense later on, but I think most readers are going to have a “what the heck?” response. Also, the story description is terrible. “This is a romance between a woman and man, but with a little suspense and mystery.” It sounds so robotic and boring. Describe what kind of woman and man they are, what kind of love they have, what obstacles there are to this love. Maybe something like this: “This is the story of the forbidden romance between an adolescent Victorian girl, who chafes against the constraints of her society, and her adventurous, handsome childhood friend, who has returned after years of separation to spark an uncontrollable passion in her heart.”
Now that we’re past the title and description we’re going to critique the story from start to finish. The first sentence is okay if an odd description of drowning. The rest of the paragraph should be reworded to say, “Was this the end? Was I ever to see my friends and family again? It didn’t make sense. How had I fallen under so quickly? My little sister and I were supposed to have a picnic and take a few laps on our small boat that wasn’t big enough to hold me let alone both of us, but Elizabeth was away to get the food so I decided to go on the water alone.”
The second paragraph should be reworded to say, “I had been rowing on the water with my little pink parasol in hand when Elizabeth had arrived. I stood to see my confused little sister wandering around looking for me and shouted, ‘Elizabeth I’m over here.’ In that moment, the boat rocked back and forth like a bassinet, and then I was in the water.”
In the third paragraph we just completely skip over her being saved. At least have her black out or something. Also, in this paragraph, we begin to hear the cruel abuse of poor Howard. I know he’s supposed to be bad, but he should still be a human being, who isn’t just made into a cartoon villain. Allow the reader to reach their own decision on Howard’s moral character; don’t just bombard us with statements of his wickedness.
The fourth paragraph was ok, but I didn’t like the simile, comparing William to a dog. It was kind of cruel. Also, get rid of the “after all” in the line “After all, he seemed as if he knew me.”
Now we have a dialogue session which I don’t really like. Rose’s first line is really jerky, considering the guy just saved her life, and the whole thing is just so feeling-less and devoid of emotion. Maybe, you’re going for a cold Victorian feel, but Jane Austen’s dialogue was still witty and fun to read even if it was a little stuffy. Also there were some errors. How did William know that she cut her leg off rocks? Then you say, “My head instantly went to my leg.” Shouldn’t it be eyes or something. William offers to “tell” her home; that’s just a typo. You need a semicolon in this line (actually there were a lot of sentences that need semicolons). It didn‘t have one, but I’m going to put one in, “I have a coach; it can take you home without straining your leg. It could get infected. At least let me wrap it.” Also, say “without you straining your leg.” This line is awkward and needs to be rephrased, “I must do you favour gratitude.” Also, put a semicolon in this line where I put it and a period at the end, “I wish to invite you to my home for supper tonight; i-it’s the least I can do.” Overall, you need to work on giving the dialogue a little more life.
Moving on to the paragraph after they part. It should be “waiting at the door” not “waiting on the door.” The next line also needs a semicolon between the words o’clock and maybe. I honestly just don’t understand the final line of this paragraph; it needs to be reworded.
Now, we have another dialogue session, which is once again sleep-inducing. I know it can be very hard to write good dialogue, but just work on making it more interesting. There are several errors or badly worded sections in this dialogue as well. There is a lot of punctuation missing— commas, question marks and of course semicolons. One common error in your dialogue is not using commas for direct address. For example if someone says, “Rose, get ready for dinner,” you need a comma after Rose The maid should have a name and not simply be referred to as Maid. Speaking of names, people who aren’t family should be referring to each other by last names. It is Victorian after all. They shouldn’t use the names William and Howard. Maybe Rose could call him William if she’s rebellious. Back to the dialogue session. This line desperately needs to be reworded, “Well you don’t have to marry right away, but the more time you spend with Howard you will entice you to marry him.” Say instead, “Well, you don’t have to marry him right away, but the more time you spend with Howard, the fonder you will grow of him.”
Paragraph after the dialogue. The first line should be reworded to something like this, “On my bed was laid out a light blue dress, a cage, and worst of all a corset.” The next two lines are okay, but change the word “until” in the last line to “but.”
Then we have a couple decent lines of dialogue before we get to another paragraph of prose. She just throws out his blond curls and blue eyes like they’re things we should know about, but you never actually described him in the first place. Also, you say that the memory of her last day with William was impeccable, but it obviously wasn’t if she forgot about him.
The first sentence of the next paragraph makes no sense and needs to be reworded to something like this, “It was that hair ribbon he had worn today, the man who had saved my life and earned my love.” EARNED MY LOVE. I think we need to slow down a bit. She’s only had one conversation with the guy. Take a little more time for her feelings to develop. I have some problems with the next line as well. You continue to jam Howard’s wickedness down the readers throat with the phrase, “brunette brute.” Once again give us time to develop a dislike for Howard. Another problem with this line is that you set up a tension over seating which never plays out.
The next part is truly confusing. First, Rose is talking to her mother, and then she is confiding things to her sister, and then the sisters are going down stairs together as their mother yells to them from the first floor. SPACIAL ORDER PLEASE.
Greeting Howard. There are several problems with the following line: “Hello Howard how have you been,” I heard my mother said. Put commas before and after Howard, put a question mark at the end, and change “said” to “say.” Change the next part to say, “I went to the door to see Howard standing on the porch. ‘Rose, what a pleasant surprise to see you,’ he said at the sight of me.” Rose’s responses is very uncivil and belligerent. He’s supposed to be the rude one, but he’s actually quite good-natured throughout the first two chapters. Also, “thoughtless thought” is redundant.
Greeting William. Get rid of the word on in the following phrase: “I was on the first to go out to the porch.” Change has to had in the following phrase: “the man who saved my life has just walked through the door.”
Next paragraph. How on earth can Rose tell that Elizabeth is in love with Howard? Attracted fine, but in LOVE. I can see Elizabeth being smitten with Howard but in a schoolgirl sort of way. Having a crush on someone and being in love are very different.
Dinner. Okay you seriously overuse the “eyes of longing.” Not to mention, how can Elizabeth notice something about her own eyes. You missed a very god opportunity at dinner to develop tensions between the suitors. The dinner conversation could have been very interesting with lots of hidden insults and such, but you glossed right over it.
Parting. Quoting Latin and giving roses to another man’s fiancé is pretty forward. If someone did that to my girlfriend I wouldn’t be too pleased, but it would be especially distasteful back then. Howard however has the patience of a saint. Sure we hear bad things about him, but he seems like a nice enough fellow. Also, it needs to be reworded like this, “At that moment he grabbed a rose from a vase on a porch table, and gave it to me, bringing back another memory from our childhood. A little brown haired girl sits on a rock in a wide expanse of flowers and plants, crying. Then a little boy comes to the crying girl and starts to smile, but it doesn’t help so he goes away, and comes back with cutting sheers. He goes to the rose bush, and cuts a rose for her. He takes it to her and puts it in her hair; this makes her smile.” On the positive side, this paragraph, along with the next one, actually have some emotion and feeling.
The opening dialogue to chapter two is fairly well written, but why is Rose meeting William alone for lunch. Rose is ENGAGED. Their relationship is scandalous enough for modern times, but her reputation would have been completely destroyed in the Victorian times. Rose’s parents would never allow her to meet William like this. If the two of them meet, it should be in secret, which might make the story cooler anyway. Also, why are Howard and Elizabeth planning to spend time alone. It’s really creepy. She’s only FIFTEEN. Is Howard a pedophile? I know that Victorians married younger, but they did not start courtships at the age of fifteen, especially with their sister’s FIANCE. I totally get her having a crush on Howard, maybe even thinking she’s in love with him, but the feelings should not be reciprocated, and the parents should not let her spend time alone with him. If you want this plotline to work the way it is, you’ll have to make Elizabeth older, except it’s still creepy to date your sister’s boyfriend, no matter what time period.Reword the paragraph that comes after the dialogue to say, “As soon as both of the men left, and the door was closed and bolted, me and Elizabeth ran up the stairs to talk about her new love for the vain man whom she had wanted to be seated next to at supper that night.”
Next dialogue session. For the most part this one is okay, but I still have several complaints. They both comment on the way Howard looks at FIFTEEN-year-old Elizabeth without thinking it’s creepy. He truly is a pedophile. Then Rose mentions that she is in love with William. A little flighty don’t you think? She shouldn’t be completely in love with William until they kiss at the end of this chapter. Also, I can’t believe I’m saying this because I am not an advocate of gushy romance, but get into her feelings for him a little bit more. One minute she’s like, “Look sister a member of the male gender; isn’t it fascinating to observe such behaviour,” and the next she’s like “O love of my soul wert thou to die, I would cease to breath as well.” We need some development. Maybe at first she fight her feelings for William, thinking a romance with him will be a betrayal of her family, maybe she rushes headlong into an affair, revelling in the rebellion. Also, why would Elizabeth be convinced that Howard is in love with her after one dinner? One more thing. You need to change the “have” to “had” in the following line, “We went to our beds, and have a restful night sleeps.” Also, change “night sleeps” to “night’s sleep.”
Tea Time. Why does the mother tell her daughter that she can go out with William as long as she spends some time with Howard first? Does she want to encourage love triangles? Why does Howard’s knocking sound so horrible? That’s just plain making a cartoon villain. Not to mention, what kind of a shallow human being dislikes someone because of the way they knock? The rest of tea time passes in a boring fashion without any interesting dialogue. Once again you miss a good opportunity for tension and conflict development.
Robots in love. Okay, we have some more stiff dialogue between William and Rose. We also glance over their catching up which could have been interesting. The racing of the horses actually has some emotion and so does the seen with the apples. Then they kiss, which besides not being Victorian is okay.
In closing, the things you need to work on are making the dialogue have feeling, keeping historical accuracy, and most importantly spelling and punctuation. Proofread your story once or twice before uploading it. Also, don’t be demoralized by this review. Sure, I picked it apart, but that’s how you get better. In my first story, as a result of bad writing, all the characters turned out sounding gay, and the action scenes were some of the most boring things ever written. My siblings ripped it apart, and consequently my next story was better, but it was still very flawed. The criticism for this story helped me for the next one, which I uploaded to Goodreads. It’s my best so far, but people have still pointed out a lot of problems. So, yeah, don’t be demoralized. Instead use all my criticism to improve your writing. No one starts off writing really good. The only way you get better is by not giving up.
Danny wrote: "The opening dialogue to chapter two is fairly well written, but why is Rose meeting William alone for lunch. Rose is ENGAGED. Their relationship is scandalous enough for modern times, but her rep..."Thank you very much danny i really took this to heart this has helped me so much i will try to revise it and add in more things, and don't worry im not demprolized i put this on here for this kind of critisism to here somethings that will help my writing be better all of the other ones ive gotten that just say o i love it, but it doens't help at all. I wanted to anwser some questions that you had like the one that you were wondering why its called crying over lamb, and its suppose to confuse people later in the story william asks her why she gave him the ribbon she answers this whole story and then she says that hes her lamb and i will give the basic plot to you well its going to change since you gave me all of this intersting feed back but basically she falls in love with him they secertely meet at midnight in a garden but he doenst show up for a month and rewind rose either hears or sees howard (i havent choosen ) tlaking to his friend saying that he totally hated william and he wanted him out of roses life so shes doesn't see him for a month she freaks out and then howard comes becuase he is using eleisabeth to get to rose and he hears that rose thinks that williams been killed he goes along with the story and says he saw william floating on the river unconsicous but he didn't save him he couldn;t swim so he uses that to his advantige or so he thinks (out of sight out of mind) then rose is devasted and locks herself in her room crying so if you put the puzzle peices together its crying over lamb. second question my description it wouldn't let me upload the wirting without a descriptions so i put something random. Third question Elizabeth is to young. when i orugunally wrote the story i had two sisters and one of them was a year younger than rose and she was the one that loved howard but when i cut her out i forgot to change elizabeths age.
you also asked why is roses parents alowing her to spend time with rose and that is becuase they think that they are just friends becasue they were close friends as children
Again thank you for the advise it has really helped me i think i need to read more jane austen and less J.rr tolikein and ally condie
Mod
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3..."Titans of Olympus" :D Its a short story that I might extend into a longer book :D
The Mighty Katara wrote: "Ashlyn wrote: "The Mighty Katara wrote: "Ashlyn wrote: "Okay, I'll delete those comments.
Here you go. Comment 51 and 54: http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/9......"
I really do appreciate your feedback, actually. Now that I look back I see what you mean. I was far too vague because I didn't want it to be too long. I've been thinking of ways to fix it and I think eventually I'll do a second version. I'm really thankful for how honest you were with your review. Even if I sounded defensive before (looking back at it that's what it seemed like), I'm so glad you told me. Next time I'll make a character a lot less handicapped :)
Here you go. Comment 51 and 54: http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/9......"
I really do appreciate your feedback, actually. Now that I look back I see what you mean. I was far too vague because I didn't want it to be too long. I've been thinking of ways to fix it and I think eventually I'll do a second version. I'm really thankful for how honest you were with your review. Even if I sounded defensive before (looking back at it that's what it seemed like), I'm so glad you told me. Next time I'll make a character a lot less handicapped :)
If someone has the time I wouldn't mind some feedback on one of my short short stories. Both ways to improve my writing in general and suggestions of how to end this story would be appreciated. http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
The Mighty Katara wrote: "Charity wrote: "You don't have to read all of the chapters. At least the first chapter (which is actually the prologue) would be greatly appreciated!http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3......"
Thanks so much for this! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
I really needed a pair of fresh eyes to give me some straightforward critique! Your review is very helpful and I will definitely work on the things you mentioned.
1. Gone MissingA boy she just met goes missing. she doesn't know why but she has to find him. so Briara goes out to look for him. The question is will she make it in time? Or will she be to late to safe him? PLEASE WRITE REVIEWS.
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3017990...
2. Under the Ice
Ava Was an Average teenager with normal friends and a normal boyfriend she lived a normal life, that is until she died. PLEASE WRITE REVIEWS
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3011043...
3. Trip Through Time
Ava & Damon are trapped in the past. There friends Clara & Stefan know where there are, but don't know to get them out. PLEASE WRITE REVIEWS.
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3011041...
4. Fear
just a short story i wrote about fear.
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
* 5. The Ritual *
Serena couldn't wait until it was her turn to do the ritual. So when her name finally appears at the opening she is ecstatic. Only if she knew that her destiny, wasn't what she that it was. She that that she would she go and do the ritual and get her wings, but no something much greater was written in the stars for Serena. Something that will test her will to live,and to be good. for the power she receives puts both her and the she loves in grave danger.
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
summaries of some of my other books. none of them are finished. please tell me what you think of . thnx
Okay, Kara, I'm really happy that you posted these stories here, but can you please replace the stories with links.
Destiny wrote: "Wow I think this is great! Please have someone review these! (I would love if anybody tells me what they think!)The Symptom: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
The Edge: http:..."
Okay I actually read the whole story. There’s some good things, but to be honest there’s an awful lot of bad as well. The prose is fairly solid, the overall story is not lacking in feeling, and it did keep me entertained throughout. However, the characterization is flawed, the plot doesn’t have enough substance, and the romance is way too gushy.
Let’s start with the plot. The prologue is interesting enough if slightly strange, but the next two chapters are some of the more boring things written by the human race. This is where you have to hook your reader, but it doesn’t even get remotely interesting until chapter three. We don’t have any character interaction, which could have been fine, but we also don’t have any vivid descriptions of the aquatic creatures and what they mean to Myra. It didn’t feel like Myra has a passion for the ocean. She tunes the tour guide out for whatever reason (why bother going on a tour to a place you go all the time if not for the information of your guide) and then lethargically snaps a few pictures of an octopus before her attention is diverted by Adam. Get into her love of the sea, her passion for aquatic life. Describe her losing herself in this other world, marvelling at the peculiar habits of the creatures. And for goodness sake, don’t use just the big name creatures. Do some research and find out about lesser-known creatures too. It will make your character a lot more believable as a lover of the sea if they know something about a creature that isn’t a great white shark or an octopus. Also, find out about the different species of octopus, shark, etc. Don’t just say she saw an octopus say what species it was. In summary, if you get into her emotional attachment to the sea and also make her more knowledgeable, she’ll be a better character and these chapters will be interesting.
The rest of the story was thankfully much more interesting, but it is not without serious flaws. The plot lacks substance. I’m not saying it has none, but it is in desperate need of more. I get that it’s a romance, and I’m fine with that, but there needs to be more there than just romance. I love action in books, but I wouldn’t want to read a story where every other seen was a fight of some sort. In an action book, you still need scenes of conversation, character building, etc. It’s the same thing with your story. True, you had the whole father-leaving thing, but that’s not enough. As it is, the story feels kind of shallow. Nearly every scene is devoted to her thinking, staring, or talking to Adam. It makes her feel like she has no life and is a stalker. You need to weave other threads into the romance. My suggestion is the ocean stuff. Maybe the teacher, instead of showing the class these lifeless “ocean videos,” shows them a video on how a certain species is endangered or some other marine problem. Adam, Myra, and a few passionate others could start up a project of sorts to fix it. The project could span the length of the novel and be intertwined with the romance. This way, your climax would be twofold. This would give Myra a life outside her boyfriend and introduce knew plot dimensions and conflict. Maybe Mallory gets jealous because Myra spends all her time on this project and not with her. Maybe at the end when she’s about to fail her father shows back up to give her the drive to finish.
Now let’s move on to the prose. As I said before, your writing is overall pretty solid, BUT you get WAY to absorbed with every little romantic feeling. I am by no means advocating robotic relationships without passion, but no one needs to know about the chills Myra get’s when Adam says her name with his Australian accent. Back to the action example. If I read about a duel, I don’t want to know about every swing. I used to write action scenes like that, and they were painful. It’s much better if the author sums up poetically big sections of the fight that aren’t really important. It’s the same thing with your story. I know she likes the guy, but her incessant drooling over Adam made the story sound like wish fulfilment. So, yeah, cut down on the gushy details a bit and feel free to be poetic about her feelings as opposed to stating her every sensation and romantic thought.
Okay, let’s talk about the characters now. Adam was okay if a little too much of a “too cool for words character.” Just remember that he is still a human and not a demigod, especially since he’s kind of supposed to be a bit of a nerd. Also, make sure he has personality traits outside of being awesome. Overall, though, decent job on Adam.
Myra and Mallory were the ones I really had problems with. Nothing about Myra’s personality felt authentic, except her depression. Not in a million years is she a nerd. She daydreams during class over Adam, she drools over him like your most ditzy girl, and there’s no mention of school or homework or studying anywhere. All her dialogue, actions and thoughts just didn’t line up with nerd. I think the big problem there, Destiny, is that you’re cool, and so it’s harder for you to write from the other perspective. Which actually is probably a good thing, lol. Mallory also didn’t feel like a nerd, especially that line about Adam being too nerdy for her. She felt like the, typical, shallow, pretty friend. The other unauthentic thing about Myra is her marine interest. It just felt like you don’t know what you’re talking about because there was no details about the marine stuff. It was like, “the teacher showed them ocean videos, but Myra stared at Adam oblivious to the film.” Pray tell, what are the contents of these mysterious ocean videos? The way to fix these problems is what I said earlier about the project. It will help drastically with both her neediness and aquatic passion. Also, if she’s a nerd put a little more focus on what she actually learns as opposed to just the social parts of high school.
And now we get to the worst character of them all. Daniel Prendergast. If he’s so hot and cool and stuff, why does he devote his life to spiting to insignificant girls. Sure, he could mock them sometimes, but he crosses over to the realm of idiotic pettiness. No one would think he was cool because of this pettiness. Also, tripping a girl, is totally not cool when you’re a guy. And finally, his jokes are plain stupid. Please at least try to give him some wit even if he is evil.
One last random complaint. If Bobby’s is such a dump, then why do they have HOMEMADE pasta?
Well, to sum this massive review up, your story had a lot of problems, but it kept me hitting next chapter till I couldn’t anymore. You have a lot of talent, and I look forward to reading more of your works in the future. P.S. Is she called Myra after Aquaman’s wife?
Danny wrote: "Okay, Kara, I'm really happy that you posted these stories here, but can you please replace the stories with links."yeah sorry,
P.S i just added them to my post that had the other links to some of my other stories
Kara wrote: "Danny wrote: "Okay, Kara, I'm really happy that you posted these stories here, but can you please replace the stories with links."yeah sorry,
P.S i just added them to my post that had the other ..."
Thanks
Danny wrote: "Kara wrote: "Danny wrote: "Okay, Kara, I'm really happy that you posted these stories here, but can you please replace the stories with links."yeah sorry,
P.S i just added them to my post that h..."
No problem, and i hope you like my stories
Mod
The Symptom: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3......"
Thank you for this :) Sorry it took me so long to reply. I haven't been online in a while. And I loved your idea about Adam and Myra starting a project ... but the only thing is that I can't have a huge plot because this is the first of 3 short stories. It's not a novel. And thanks, this is not one of my favorite things I've worked on so I agree with most of the flaws you pointed out. Thanks :)
What about my other 2 stories? I would love critiques on those
Can someone please review this? If you do, I'll review your in return. Thanks ahead of time. http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
Destiny, glad I could be of some use. And yes we plan to review everything in this thread, including your other stories and Darby's.
Hey guys! So this is what I'm considering for the introduction to the novel I'm writing. Feedback? :) The Legend of Pax
The street was empty, a single lamp flickered on and off, silence engulfed him. He quickly looked behind himself again to ensure that there were no followers in pursuit. He was alone.
He trudged on through the slush of the dirty trampled snow, breathing into his gray overcoat as a gust of frigid air rustled the night. He shivered and looked to the bundle hidden inside his coat. The infant twitched in her enchanted sleep.
A sad smile played on his features.
He breathed in again, and continued on, up the street to his destination. At the corner of Maple and Everington, he noticed a small child, appearing no older than his own, peering out the window of a large, European styled home. The toddler stared at him with interest, as if he could sense what he hid in his coat. Without thinking, he carefully pulled her out of his warm hiding place and showed her to the toddler in the window. The child stared at her for several long seconds and then, to his horror, the child began to cry.
Quickly, pulling her back inside his coat, he hurried on. Without any other disturbances, he finally arrived at the large house at the top of Edith Circle.
Standing on the porch, he stared at the infant, tears streaming down his cheeks. He softy kissed her forehead. “ One day you’ll come back to me,” he whispered. As an after thought, he added, “by then it may be too late.” He paused. “I love you.”
He set her gently down upon the front door matt, and with a single last glance, he ran out of sight.
From behind a tall pine tree, a few houses down, another man appeared and slowly made his way to the infant.
“The fool,” he muttered. Grinning wickedly, he stared at her with loathing in his eyes. “Let’s not make it too easy for you, shall we my dear?” And out of his own coat, he procured a similar bundle and placed another infant next to the first.
Smiling, he rang the door bell and vanished into the night.
Mod
thank you!
Thabata wrote: "Hey guys! So this is what I'm considering for the introduction to the novel I'm writing. Feedback? :) The Legend of Pax
The street was empty, a single lamp flickered on and off, silence engu..."
This was very goood for something so short. Mysterious, atmospheric intiguing. As usual, though, I have some complaints. Let's get right in to them.
In the first paragraph, you use commas when you probably should have periods. I don't care too much because I don't mind when people bend the rules, but I just figured I'd point that out. Also, change "no followers in pursuit" to "no one following him."
How does air rustle the night?
"A sad smile played on his features" is an innapropriate phrasing for this scene. Just say "A sad smile crossed his face" or something.
The paragraph where he shows the girl to the boy is filled with ambiguous pronouns. I understood it, but you should make it clearer. Also, be more specific than "European styled."
Aside from the nitpicking, good job!
Have you guys had a chance to read mine yet?
The Mighty Katara wrote: "I read it, but I didn't get a chance to write it yet. It will be up later today :)"Okay, I was just wondering. There's no hurry. :)
Laura wrote: ""Daddy, I don't understand. Where is Ally?" A young boy sat in front of the television, but his blue eyes were turned to his father, which had just told him a horrible thing.
"Allison isn't here ..."
What a storyline that would make! You could expand soo much with that! I actually started a story a bit like that a while ago, and always intended to expand it. Anyway, check your word choice. Some of it is a bit awkward.
XOXO Kim @ Snuggle
Have you gotten a chance to read one of my stories yet. :)Just wondering. :)
No hurry. :)
Hope you like them. :)
Thnx for reading. :)
Kara wrote: "1. Gone MissingA boy she just met goes missing. she doesn't know why but she has to find him. so Briara goes out to look for him. The question is will she make it in time? Or will she be to late t..."
Okay, sorry for the delay, but I finally got around to reading the first chapter of Gone Missing. It’s ok; I like the premise, and the short part you had was interesting. But there are some major problems.
My number one complaint is the grammar and spelling. It was so rough in this area that it was hard to read. Reread and edit carefully. Also, Justin talks like a robot. Put some personality into his lines. And too much obsessing about lip gloss.
Overall, it was too short for me to really get a feel, but I do think the idea was cool.
Laura wrote: ""Daddy, I don't understand. Where is Ally?" A young boy sat in front of the television, but his blue eyes were turned to his father, which had just told him a horrible thing.
"Allison isn't here ..."
Pretty good little story. It was kind of touching, but I thought that the parents were blunt and cruel, and the boy was a little too obsessed with his sister.
Danny wrote: "Kara wrote: "1. Gone MissingA boy she just met goes missing. she doesn't know why but she has to find him. so Briara goes out to look for him. The question is will she make it in time? Or will she..."
Ok I will, thnx
The Mighty Katara wrote: "Emily wrote: "Comment 22: A Forbidden Destiny: http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/9..."Well, I’ll start by saying that I thought this story was good and entertaining. The mood ..."
Thank you for reading it and critiquing it! I agree with most of what you said.
Should I explain the law more in paragraph thirteen and give it more background information? And her name is Laurel because I just made it up. I've never heard of "Tristan and Isolde".
And, in paragraph ninteen, her fists are bloody because the rope was jagged and dangerous. Should I still change it to "scratched up"?
Hey! So I've been having a really hard time getting reviews on here, and I'd love it if you'd review one of mine. It's the second comment in the link, "Sarah's Grief". http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/9...
Thanks and looking foward to some harsh reviewing. I enjoy giving hardcore reviews, but I never seem to get them(:
Hi,This is the story i wrote for the seventh contest.I would like to know what you think about this one. I will not worry about negetive coments, so please state the hard facts...
The Strongest Bond - By Dreamer http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/9...
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3... Could someone please review this? I will return the favor! :)
Hi everyone, this is my Prologue to my unfinished novel "Wicked Vengeance" how it reads in the prologue is not how its like for the whole novel. So tell me what you think.A tale NOT so old as Time
Once there was a Hideous Man who lived all alone in a dangerous forest. Though he was hideous he was not cruel as people assumed but kind and loving. He took to living on his own after years of being tormented by people not
The Hideous Man was misshapen with one arm longer and thicker than the other, which was sickly and too week to use, hair gangling and thinning with warts and scars all over his face and body from being beaten away by the villagers who didn't want him around their children after being told by their young ones that The Hideous Man liked to scare them and tell them all horrible, grotesque, story's.
One day The Hideous Man heard a woman screaming and he ran off to help her.
He saw a woman on the ground with her belongings scattered everywhere and her carriage doors pried open and her horses wiled with fright.
"Somebody help! Please!" The woman cried.
"The Hideous Man wanted to help her but he was terrified that The Woman would only be more scared once she saw him. He looked at her and could not help falling in love, The Woman was beautiful with dark brown hair and pale luminous skin, and he couldn't believe she was real.
"Somebody, please help! I've been ransacked by thieves."
Despite his fear The Hideous Man came to The Woman's side and unlike the other's who looked upon him with discussed The Woman only looked relieved and happy.
"If you like- I can take you back to my cabin. It is small and I do not have much food but you are welcome to anything I have." Said The Hideous Man.
She agreed and after settling the horses he helped The Woman on and took her to his cabin where he fed her and treated her wounds. The Woman's leg was sprained from one of the thieves pulling her out of the carriage and landing hard on her foot.
"You are welcome to stay as long as you like"
And so she did and over time The Woman began to care for The Hideous Man.
"My Dear, you are so beautiful and I am so hideous, how could you ever love me?" Said the Hideous Man
"How could I?" said The Woman, "You are kind and loving and strong. You are unlike any men I have ever known who have all been monsters! That is why I love you."' She held his face and gently kissed a deep red scar that ran across his cheek.
But The Hideous Man did not believe her and told her so.
"You deserve someone rich and handsome" He screamed and roughly pulled away.
"Fine, if you will not have me unless you are rich and handsome then I will make you rich and handsome"
"It is impossible."
"I am a witch- do not be frightened! I have made a vow to myself ever since I was little that I would never use my powers. I will break it only this once because I love you and want to be your wife"
"If you can make me rich and handsome it will not matter to me that you are a witch"
So The Witch made him so rich he became a lord and made him so handsome strangers took to calling him The Handsome Man.
The Handsome Man and The Witch got married moved into an estate, attended many elegant balls where the husband became very powerful with the nobles and politicians…and other very special royals…
The Witch became pregnant and she felt overwhelmed with happiness! Finally after all these years of torment she had everything she wanted and so did her handsome husband, but truthfully, she wished he had stayed hideous for there where changes in him she didn't like; he was not the man she fell in love with.
The pregnancy was hard and left the Witch bedridden for the last remaining months and in that time the husband could barely be seen or heard of.
“Where is my husband?”
“We do not know, Miss.” Her midwife said.
“But the baby is coming!”
Her Handsome Husband was not planning to see the birth of his child for he would just suffocate the hideous thing after tonight’s plans followed through. The Husband had been consorting with the Princess of Willavera and manipulating his way into her heart and mind until he had her just where he wanted her.
The Handsome Man told the Princess that he was married to an evil witch who casts spells on him to keep him bound to her.
"But you are beautiful and so I have fallen in love with you and that love has given me the strength to resist her powers- but I don’t know for how long!"
"Aw! I will help you and your child any way I can."
The Handsome Man annoyed at her for mentioning the child tried not to show it as he begged her to convince her father The King to kill The Witch until she finally agreed.
The Princess was true to her word and begged her father The King to kill the evil witch so she could marry The Handsome Man. He agreed and ordered the arrest and execution of the witch.
“Ahhhh!” The Witch cried.
“You are almost there Miss!”
“Where is my Husband?”
“Push!”
The Witch pushed with all he might until she heard a crackling cry.
“You have a son Miss”
The Witch’s vision was blotchy but she forced herself to focus on her newborn son. The midwife cleaned him off and placed the small infant in his arms.
“He’s so beautiful.”
Both The Witch and The Handsome Husband discussed that the child might take after the Husband and be born hideous. But no his perfect baby eyes starred up at her and she looked at him adoringly.
“Hello my sweet Julian.”
The midwife satisfied with her work started cleaning up but saw something shocking.
“Miss, you are having another baby!”
“What?”
The midwife took the child from the witch and placed him in a crib to witch he started to cry.
“Please start pushing!”
Still weak from her previous birth she didn't know if she had the strength to go on.
“Almost there!”
A commotion was coming from outside the room but she could hardly hear if from her son’s cries and the shouting from her midwife.
“What’s going on?”
“Just push Miss!”
With one final agonizing push the Witch new it was over.
“It’s a girl.”
Another witch, she had to bless the child but before she could even see her guards broke threw her doors carrying witch-hazel that made the witch scream in torment. Her little witch daughter cried out as well but she still could not see her.
“In the name of the King we are here to take you in witch!”
They picked her broken-bloody body of the bed but the witch did not care all she cared about was her children and her unblessed daughter.
“Her name is Johanna!” The witch cried to the midwife.
“Yes Miss.”
The Witches Husband, The Princess, and The King were all present in the city courtyard for the Witches hanging. They tied roped around her laced with witch-hazel preventing her from using magic to get free.
Vengeance was the only thing the Witch wanted and if she couldn't have it alive she would make sure he was punished some other way after she died."
"My Handsome Husband what have I done to you that I deserve this?”
"You are an evil witch that is reason enough!”
One thing the Witch didn't tell her husband was that she was a legendary crone and had ancient powers beyond an ordinary witch.
"You have not seen the evil I can do! My children will grow up to avenge me! One day when you are the most powerful ruler in Willavera they will come for you! They will travel far and grow strong and when they return it will be the end of you!" Once finished the whole city vibrated with the power of the curse.
"Enough! Hang her!" The Husband shouted.
The witch laughed until the rope broke her neck.
After, The Handsome Man and The Princess got married and two months later the old king had mysteriously died making the Princess's new husband ruler of Willavera. He was not a gracious king and he punished and executed anyone he saw fit. Taxes where so high many became without lands and homes; plus he sent monsters to kill all tough’s unable or unwilling to pay.
He sought every chance to kill his children but something always happened to get in his way.
The twins, Julian and Johanna to which The new King thought where horrible names, where both growing up strong and beautiful which the King felt more and more threatened by as the years went on; Especially of his daughter, the little half-witch.
As the Witch proclaimed after failing to kill them again the twins were taken and handed over to the neighboring kingdom of Verettion. Verettion is now were the young siblings are sheltered and where their parent’s story ends, their story begins...
Hi guise ! C: I seriously think this is only my . . . Second (?) comment in this group, so I'm gonna try to be more active here ^^
Anywho, I'd be really really grateful if someone could review some of my writing C;
Here's a link to a short story I'm working on for a school submission to a contest, which will be relatively short since there's a 3,000 word limit I do believe. Thus, it probably won't be my best writing, but I'd be extremely grateful nevertheless- It's called Diary of the Deranged Divine: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
And than here's a story I came up with awhile ago and haven't really done much with as of late. But ! If I got enough people interested, I'd probably pick it back up again- Titled Beautiful Remains: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
And lastly ! I came up with the idea for this story. . . Last summer, I believe ? And I haven't really done much with it either but, again, if I were to get enough people interested, I'd totally be willing to write some more with it. It's called Deception: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
Thanks ! <3 And I be perfectly willing to return the favor, of course !
Hey! I'd be ever so grateful if you guys could read this story :) I'm not at all very good, but I'm hoping to get there one day :) so please comment. I don't care if it's pure criticism (so long as it's respectful please) I'd just be happy to know that someone cared enough to read it and comment on it :)http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
Here’s a new idea/description for a story that I might write. What do you think?Nikolina Chernicova is a hunter, but not just any kind of hunter. She hunts a rare sort of animal called Oboroten, which is just werewolf in Russian, her family in Russian so that‘s what she grew up calling them. Oboroten is spelt like this Оборотень in Russian and pronounced like obərətʲen. She hunts them down and kills them. She hates all Oboroten and she has her reasons too. A pack of Oboroten killed her family when she was just a little girl. The only reason she survived the attack was because she was staying at a friends house. Nikolina knew it was a Oboroten attack because her family came from along line of Oboroten Hunters, that’s why that attacked them. The Chernicova line was the last of the hunters, once they were gone there would be no one else to hunter them down. Now the Oboroten live without a care in the world, because for all they know they killed every last hunter.
Nikolina had been fourteen when Oboroten pack killed her family, so she had been sent away to stay with some relatives out of state. While she was a way she trained herself for the day that she would return to the small town of Timmber Valley Minnesota. The town were everything happened, a town filled with Oboroten. Well at least it is for now, because Nikolina is going back and she’s set on getting revenge, no matter what the cost.
Nikolina arrived in Timmber Valley with a plan, but what will happen when she unknowingly starts to fall for one of the Oboroten she’s trying to kill. She went there to kill them all and then get out, no questions asked. That was her plan anyway, until she meet Mikhail. He changed everything, but did he change enough that she won’t kill him when she finds out he’s a Oboroten.
Translations
Oboroten (Оборотень) obərətʲen ~ Werewolf
