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Taggerung's writing for contest
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A decent story. I love the plot twist; it was very clever. The prose was a little bland however. Solid but bland. (Who would have known that a Josh Hutcherson, Logan Lerman fangirl could write such a coherent, correctly spelled work? :P Just kidding, lol.)
Thanks for the feedback! It's a first draft that I typed as I went, it was completely unplanned. I would have had a much more descriptive story, but 1000 word limit (which I had to chop this down even more for the actual contest :/) is extremely limiting. And yes, I actual do make a point of having good grammar and spelling. My friends say I get way too worked up over simply texting typos haha.
That was brutal criticism! THANK YOU!!!! Now I can improve it! :)
No, do not apologize, I forbid it! I'd much rather know where it has flaws and be able to improve! So thanks, soooooo much! :D and your right, I did want your opinion, thanks for giving it! I'll edit it later tonight. Right now I have to work on a project for a retreat I'm going on later this week.
It's called Teens Encounter Christ. It's a really cool retreat that focuses on Christ's love and mercy, serving one another, and loving our neighbors with agape love. I'm on team this time around, so I'm doing behind the scenes work.Okay, so, it's edited now. It being past midnight and my having had a lousy day...not sure I improved it. Might just be my frame of mind, idk. Hopefully it reads better this time around. Let me know what you think.
Yep, I'm catholic. Thanks for the criticism. At least I improved a bit haha. I seriously need to just go over 5 times on the computer where it's easier to edit....maybe tomorrow. I'll be really busy though with fair, and work, and then there's TEC this weekend, so we'll see. And I guess I'm choppy because I'm not used to writing stories that get past the beat up story journal, I'm used to writing papers in a certain way for my teacher. Bad habit for writing stories, good habit for A+ papers. I'll work on it some more for that....when I'm in a better mood and don't have a headache that is.
Out of home class, taught by a homeschool mom at her house, but it's an official program called Excellence in Writing. It was a writing class, but it was term papers, expository essays, research papers, persuasive essays, that kind of stuff. So, it wasnt the fun kind of writing. I can definitely credit my good reading and writing scores on the ACT to that class though. I was evaluated by my teacher, apparently I was writing college freshmen worthy papers in 10th grade. But ugh, that writing style is sooooooo structured. I can't stand Aristotle, he's the pain who invented the 5 paragraph essay format.
ϮAʛʛⅇℛʊℵʛ {J-Hutch's GF} wrote: "Here is my story for contest 6.Last Day in the Sun
Ciara walked along the beach. The occasional rock jabbed into her foot as she slowly strolled along the tideline. The water appeared gray blue ..."
I really like it. Being someone who spends a lot of time with horses, I think you captured some equine beauty in your description of the stallion. You have a unique style and I enjoyed it.
Have you read The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater? Your story reminds me of that book :)
Charity wrote: "ϮAʛʛⅇℛʊℵʛ {J-Hutch's GF} wrote: "Here is my story for contest 6.Last Day in the Sun
Ciara walked along the beach. The occasional rock jabbed into her foot as she slowly strolled along the tideli..."
Thanks! I don't get to spend nearly as much time as I want to with my friend's horse, but I tried to describe him, albeit the color change, when I described the stallion.
And I haven't read The Scorpio Races, but I'll definitely check it out. :)
Last Day in the Sun
Ciara walked along the beach. The occasional rock jabbed into her foot as she slowly strolled along the tideline. The water appeared gray blue in the dim, dawn light. A slight fog clung to the shore. It created wispy, ethereal images that shifted and billowed in the breeze. Ciara wrapped her cardigan closer about her. Despite the fact that it was August, the morning air was chill and damp. A soft, wet shifting, like something moving on damp sand, sounded behind her. Looking over her shoulder, Ciara expected to see one of the seals that would begin to nest on the beach soon. Nothing was visible though, save the swirling mist that hovered over the beach. Shrugging her shoulders, she turned back and continued walking. Snort This sound was much closer. Whirling around, and straining to see through the fog, she gasped at what she now saw. Walking out of the mist was a white horse. The equine stepped out of the surrounding mist with an air of confidence visibly evident in each dignified step. It's coat had a damp, glistening sheen to it, even in the low light, as if it were wet with morning dew. Ciara stared, thoroughly bemused. No one on the island owned a white horse. The island was too far from the other islands and the mainland for a horse to survive a swim from them. So how could this horse be here? Was this just a spectre created by a combination of lack of sleep, wild imagination, and fog?
The horse paced up to her. Ciara drew her breath in sharply when the horse blew out a warm puff of breath into her face. It nudged her shoulder. There was no doubting the reality of the horse now. "Where did you come from?" Ciara whispered. She slowly reached out to touch the equine's forehead. It's mane was plastered to it's body, and it's coat was beaded with damp. She could feel its body heat radiating out, to the point where it seemed...unatural, as if a furnace burned inside it. Puzzled, but not unduly concerned, she brushed aside the thought that no horse should feel that warm. "You must be used to people, huh?" She whispered. I wonder... Ciara gently reached out, and grasped a lock of the mane. The horse didn't resist the touch. Gently, she began leading the horse to a rock near the cliff wall that rose above the beach. Looking at the stallion, he had to be seventeen hands high, and Ciara's head was barely above his withers. Muscles flowed and rippled as he moved, bulging under his skin and speaking volumes of his strength. While the horse stood next to the rock, Ciara used it as a makeshift mounting block. There was no response to her leaning over his back. Placing her hands on the horse's broad back, she slowly eased her weight off of her feet and onto his back. He looked back at her, but in such a calm manner that Ciara was sure he must have been ridden before. She swung her right leg over his back, and settled onto him.
"Want to go for a ride, boyo?" she asked. Ciara twisted her fingers into his long, thick mane, and nudged him with her heels. Obligingly, he began walking. The steady rythym of his hooves was muffled by the wet sand. Soon they reached the path leading away from the shore, and up the hill to the inner part of the island. There was now a long stretch of moorland before them. "Let's see what you've got, big guy," Ciara whispered into the horse's ear. As she tightened the grip of her hands and legs, she felt his body tense beneath her in anticipation. A kick of her heels and he was off, galloping across the moors with an effortlessness and speed that belied that of any horse she'd ever seen or ridden. The sun was now high overhead, making his coat shine with an indescribable brilliance that was almost too much to look at. Ciara laughed with exuberance. She had never felt so free and untamable.
They continued riding the moors. The entire day, Ciara simply rode, letting the sheer power and speed of this horse delight and entrance her. As the sun began to set, she realized she hadn't even eaten that day, and soon her family would begin to worry about her. "Come on big guy, let's go to my home now. It's late." She gently tried to guide him in the direction of her family's farm on the other side of the moor. She could just make out the barn in the distance. However, the white stallion wanted nothing to do with inland though. He vigorously shook his head, snorted, and started cantering in the direction of the beach where they had met that morning. "No, I need to go home!" Ciara tried to guide him again. In response he gave a snort, but was an angry sound, so unlike the friendly ones he had given this morning. She tried to get him to at least stop, but he only began to gallop harder towards the beach. Ciara was beginning to panic. What the heck, why won't he stop! Why is this horse acting like an idiot! Ciara saw that soon they would be nearing the path that lead down to the shore. That's it, I'm ditching now! This animal's crazy! She took a breath to ready herself for the fall, and attempted to ease her leg over his back. It wouldn't move. She tried again. Nothing! She tried the other limb. That one wouldn't move either! She twisted at the waist, looking back at the swiftly increasing distance between the horse and her home. She whipped her head back around. She screamed and tried to jump off again. She couldn't, no matter how hard she tried. It was as if her lower limbs had been frozen, and then glued to the stallions flanks. He glanced back at the panicking girl on his back. There was a malevolent gleam in his eyes that she had not before seen. He gave a trumpeting neigh of defiance and galloped even faster.
He was now plunging at breakneck speed down the steep path. As soon as his hooves touched the sand, Ciara noticed a change come over the stallion. It seemed as if the light of the setting sun was able to pass through him, and he seemed to become increasingly wet. It was not like he was sweating though. It was a cool damp, like that of ocean water that was seeming to now coat him. By the time his hooves touched the edge of the surf, his body was completely translucent and as wet as the water he was plunging into. Ciara was too terrified to even scream. The last thought that penetrated her mind, as the setting sun gleamed over the water that was fast approaching Ciara's neck, was The waterhorse...he's actually real...and I find out too late. Then she disappeared beneath the waves forever.