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message 1: by Daisy (last edited Mar 29, 2009 05:03PM) (new)

Daisy This is chapter one of a story i've been working on. i want an opinion on it from people besides my sisters and a four year old who is supposed to be my actual sister

Kabria and Cara were already up and setting out clothes and make-up, making the bed, and finishing up unfinished jobs. Sam and Sadie were still sleeping, as usual. Kabria and Cara would spend the next half hour just chatting about last night’s goings on. Eventually Sadie and Sam woke up and they began the usual process of the morning. Sadie would get up and view herself in the mirror, noticing that her pixie cut hair was a mess she would pull out Brush. Brush was actually a brush. It was pea green with a large B on the back. Sadie would carefully style her hair as Sam began pulling out clothes of random sorts, it would all land in a pile on the floor. By the time Sadie had finished styling Sam had put on her outfit and would need to style her hair so she would steal Brush.
Meanwhile Cara would be in the kitchen preparing breakfast, while Kabria finished the last of her unfinished homework. Then Cara would finish making breakfast and would call out to the girls to come and eat. Sadie would rush to finish her outfit and Sam would hastily wrap up styling her hair. As the two girls went up to eat Cara would come down and began to brush out her long brown hair. Kabria would pick through the pile of clothes and throw on a green shirt with jeans. Then as Cara scraped through her hair and put it up into a pony-tail Kabria would pluck Brush off the table or desk which Cara had set it on. Cara being careful not to bump into Kabria would go to picking through the pile throwing on whatever she saw. Then Kabria and Cara would rush upstairs to eat their food before it got cold. Sadie would put the dishes in a brown bin labeled ‘Take Inside’ and head downstairs to put on jewelry.
The girls would all meet down stairs with small wooden boxes one was pink, one was purple, another was blue, and the last one was red. Inside these boxes was jewelry for each girl. They would add their jewelry to their outfits and hug one another goodbye. Sadie, Sam, and Cara would hop on their bikes and leave the two story shed which was more of a house than a shed.

message 2: by Daisy (new)

Daisy *sigh*

message 3: by Daisy (new)

Daisy thank you for telling me what you think its better than having to read it to a 4 year old little girl!

message 4: by Daisy (new)

Daisy its to whore-ish for younger girls I just wrote chapter three and the first thing they do is tell the school perv to grow some balls and ask him if you can rape a guy after they die because they like to tell him that he's a gay convict

message 5: by Daisy (new)

Daisy Kabria locks the door to the shed and goes to the back door pressing her ear against the slab of wood. She would hear the shower running and the front door locking, she knew this was her only chance. She would whip out her key and unlock the door rushing in quietly and sprinting into her room. She would run in, fasten her jacket, and wait for her mother’s car to be out of hearing distance. Then she would rush out of the house and run to the corner before her dad saw her and would walk to school from there.
Cara rode into her garage and set the bike up in its corner. She walked inside silently and would run up the stairs to her amazingly clean red room. She would take her backpack and kiss her mom on the cheek before grabbing her bike and riding to school.
Sam would put her bike in the garage and come into her house. She would say ‘hi’ to her mom and knee her dog Jack when he jumped on her. She would put clothes on over her jogging clothes and sit down for a bite to eat. Usually he would have pancakes and some orange juice, or waffles. When she was finished she sprinted to school.
Sadie would get home and run through her fence to the backyard. She climbed up the stairs to the patio and sneak in the back door, pretending she was just feeding the dogs. She would put sweats on over her clothes and walk out of the house backpack in hand.
Arriving at school first Sadie ran through crowds of kids and stopped at the front of her classroom door. Nick would come and talk to her for awhile and soon Kabria would have arrived. One afternoon they were talking about how Nick was ‘such a ladies’ man’. It went a little like this:
“Ladies are the only people that call my cell phone,” Nick would protest as Kabria, Sadie, and Skye would snicker.
“The only ladies that call you are your mom and Dillon.” Sadie would say.
“Don’t worry I’m sure your mom would love to rape you,” Kabria would say as Nick would faintly blush.

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