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message 1: by Victor, King's Blade (last edited Jan 17, 2009 03:26PM) (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
REVIEW: The Forgotten Race - Jade by Saved By Grace


[Introduction:]
I love your writing style! The ideas flow nicely and the sentences have a certain cadence/pace to them that fits the story well.



Overall, it was an amazingly well-written story with only a few things to nitpick on. (The template told me to go over that stuff in the 'Notes' section, but I'm going to put them under the subheadings and give a few examples for each.)


[Plot: 35/50]

The idea is pretty interesting, what should have been a death experience leading to the discovery of something supernatural, but I haven't seen much conflict or the development of conflict beyond her social troubles and troubles with reality. What about conflict arising from her being an Airlian?



The story also feels rather directionless, and like all these random things are happening, and the only thing connecting it all together is that she's all of a sudden magical. So it doesn't seem completely logical?



I'll keep in mind that this isn't finished though. XD


[Description: 30/40]

Loved the descriptions—they were vivid and gave me a clear picture of how Jade saw the world around her, and how she perceived everything. Good job! =)



In particular, I love the description of Jade's actions after she "drowns," it shows so much of her character so clearly.



-However, a lot of the description was passive. Try for a more active voice at points, for some variety.



Ex: Ch 1; "The peacefulness was shattered by her mom's voice." vs. "Her mom's voice shattered the peace."



Ch 2; "…she was always running right into trees or tripping." vs. "…she always ran right into trees or tripped."



Ch 2: "She was humming quietly to herself…" vs. "She hummed quietly to herself…"



-Some descriptions/words were redundant, or could be implied.



Ex: Ch 1; "…and the sound of a squirrel nearby scampering up to its hoard of acorns." I'm being nitpicky, my apologies for that, but I think 'nearby' could be implied seeing as how she heard the squirrel.



Ch 2; "She rarely smiled, as it seemed to those at school 'out of character'…quiet girl who almost never smiled and had no friends." I don't think the second 'who almost never smiled' is necessary, seeing as how it's already said that it'd be out of character for her to smile.



-Some of the descriptions were a little unclear.



Ex: Ch 2; "She could see the moon through the water, but could not see it clearly." What did it look like then?



-Also, in general, try not to use too many adverbs. Verbs in place of them can paint a much crisper image most of the time.



-At some places, try for describing more with fewer words. (Succinctness.)



Ex: Ch 3; "…she could actually see what was beneath instead of only a murky blackness…" It takes longer for my brain to process this when it's in a list as opposed to saying, "…she could clearly see through the water…"

-A few places where I was a bit confused.



Ex: Ch 5; "Was she going crazy? Aliens didn't really exist, did they? WAS she an alien?" What led her to think there's a connection between animal empathy and being an alien?



-Sometimes, a lot of the same adjectives were repeatedly used in the same chapter.



Ex: Ch 5; "All the birds stopped flying around her and returned to their perches as she sank into a very low level of thought…rest of the way home she was very, very quiet and didn't even hum. No animals followed her-she wasn't in a very happy mood." Also, the last sentence is a bit unclear. Were no animals following her because she was unhappy (negation in the original, perhaps considering changing?) or was she unhappy because no animals were following her?



-Some descriptions were contradictory.



Ex Ch 2; "Not that she really cared that much how they labeled her, at the same time it gave her something to do." She says she doesn't care, yet in the later chapters, she freaks out when she feels like she's losing her label.

Ch 2; "Her lungs burned even as they filled with water and felt as though they would burst." If your lungs filled with water, you'd be dead within 5 seconds. (I think, I may be wrong, and if I am, my apologies. XD)


[Character Development: 39/40]

Character development was phenomenal. You made the characters seem real, and gave them multi-faceted personalities far beyond a cardboard cutout.



The characters are interesting, and have thought processes I enjoy reading more about; the conflicts you've created internally for Jade are well executed. =)



All there actions, dialogue, etc., are also consistent with their personalities. Great job with that! ^^


It seems odd to me how quickly she changes though.


[Twists & Effect: -omitted-]

-omitted-

[Dialogue & Emotion: 34/35]

The dialogue was amazing. =) It sounded realistic and the word choice in them suggested at their emotions really well.



-One thing: Sometimes, when you added tags to the dialogue (like words other than said, sorry if I'm not being really clear T.T) I didn't think the tags were really necessary. In the example below, just from the words themselves, I could tell Jess was admonishing Jade.



Ex: Ch 2; "'I've been calling you for over five minutes!' Admonished Jess as her adopted daughter clomped up the back steps and into the house…"



[Mechanics: 27/35]

-There were some places where there was only one dash used as opposed to two when there should have been. On the same note as that, try varying sentence structure a little more. A lot of sentences use – when something else could also be used.



Ex: Ch 1; "This is where she felt most natural, more herself-amongst nature."

Ch 2; "She began to get into what she called her 'trance'-the wind…"

Ch 2; "…meet a nice guy-a truly nice guy-not swearing…"



-There were also some tense changes. (See above example, 'is' when the rest of the chapter was written in past tense.)



-Another thing, when you use a conjunction to connect two ideas in a sentence, the two ideas should generally be related in some way for the sentence to make optimal sense. (I think this was the only instance though, and it's real minor.)



Ex: Ch 2; "Jess used to have an excessive swearing problem but she still wanted to find the REAL Prince, if he was out there anywhere." Former problems wouldn't have too much effect if she's fixed them, so maybe change the sentence a bit to say, "When Jess had had an excessive swearing problem, she had still wanted to find the REAL Prince, just as she did now…"



-A few typos.



Ex: Ch 2; "Jade certainly couldn't' picture…"

Ch 2; "She walked through the woods, blending in amongst the trees shadows…" *trees'

Ch 3; "She jumped into the-water-and spun…" (Don't know why the dashes are there, sorry if they're supposed to be XD)

Ch 3; "There were Deer, raccoons, rabbits…"

-"She knew just a little bit more about whom she was…" Should be 'who,' not 'whom.'


[Originality: 8/10]

The writing is compelling enough to make me read, but all her abilities seem a bit overpowered and cliché. Also, the concept of all this happening after one incident, rather than gradually is also a bit cliché.

[Overall Score: 171/210]


[Notes:]

I wasn't sure where to put this, so it goes here: point of view.



Ch 3; "She wished that Jade didn't love black so, but there was nothing she could do. She'd bought Jade 'normal' clothes, but Jade had discarded them. She could ground her daughter, but there was no point; Jade hadn't done anything actually worth grounding her over." It was disconcerting for me, to have a bit from Jess's point of view, when the rest of the story is from Jade's.


Anyways, I enjoyed reading this and am curious to see where it goes.

~ Frances


message 2: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
Frances is extremely detailed and good at reviewing. XD


message 3: by Frances (new)

Frances (parentheticalnote) Glad it helped. =)


message 4: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
I'll help do a review of your poem in more detail if you want.


message 5: by Frances (new)

Frances (parentheticalnote) If you have the time. =)

(By the way, why aren't you on G-chat?)


message 6: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
I was helping a friend set up their computer. You wouldn't believe that amount of cables the average computer has.


message 7: by Appleworm (new)

Appleworm | 6 comments Sorry... I'll try to be more active xP

Except some ppl (aka me) don't really spend much time on here O:

So, um... I'll try to do better =]


message 8: by Kevin (new)

Kevin (fimbulvetr) | 40 comments For Memories of a King: I've gotten around to proofreading the intro of the prologue. I can't write a full review yet, obviously, but I'll send you the edits I have (via email).


message 9: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
Thanks for the help. :)


message 10: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
If you have anything that you want me to review, I'll help. ^^


message 11: by Kevin (new)

Kevin (fimbulvetr) | 40 comments Ummmm...Frances put me to typing up all my old poetry. After that's over, I'll get to writing stories.


message 12: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
Heh, poetry is pretty cool, but I suck at poetry.


message 13: by Frances (new)

Frances (parentheticalnote) Victor:

I'm working on a review of the parts of your prologue that I didn't get to, and a review of Chapter 1.


message 14: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
Thanks


message 15: by Aneesha (new)

Aneesha (saianeesha) | 30 comments where is the story?


message 16: by Kevin (new)

Kevin (fimbulvetr) | 40 comments It's on his profile.


message 17: by Aneesha (last edited Feb 13, 2009 06:00PM) (new)

Aneesha (saianeesha) | 30 comments whose? victor's?


message 18: by Kevin (new)

Kevin (fimbulvetr) | 40 comments Yup. Actually, I have a question for Victor: I realize that "Memories" is written as a fanfiction to Fate/Stay Night, but exactly how much does the canon story tell of her past? I just want to know how much creative room you have while I'm editing.


message 19: by Frances (new)

Frances (parentheticalnote) Wikipedia basically sums it up pretty well.


message 20: by Aneesha (new)

Aneesha (saianeesha) | 30 comments i don't see his story anywhere on his profile, but, thanks for helping


message 21: by Frances (new)

Frances (parentheticalnote) Scroll down and search for something entitled "Memories of a King"


message 22: by Aneesha (new)

Aneesha (saianeesha) | 30 comments thanks


message 23: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
There's actually like no canon. So basically, I have the liberty of writing the whole thing from scratch.


message 24: by Kevin (new)

Kevin (fimbulvetr) | 40 comments Excellent.


message 25: by Aneesha (last edited Feb 20, 2009 05:17PM) (new)

Aneesha (saianeesha) | 30 comments I LOVED YOUR STORY, victor, i have never read anything better, you should totally finish it up and publish it!!!!!! I know who will be the first in line to buy it at Barnes&Noble's


message 26: by Aditya (new)

Aditya Rao | 9 comments me!!!


message 27: by Aneesha (new)

Aneesha (saianeesha) | 30 comments and me, {second i guess}


message 28: by [deleted user] (new)

Nuh uh. I'm gonna Asian cut you all and threaten to butterfly you. Then Victor will autograph me first b/c I'm right by his locker. Then I'll start a fan club. Then I'll help Crystal decorate his locker in fuzzy pink ribbons.
DOn't worry, Victor. JK!


message 29: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
Ack. Pink's an underrated color though.


message 30: by [deleted user] (new)

How dare you!!!! (jk. how 'bout baby blue, then...


message 31: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
Silver, gold, and black are the best colors.


message 32: by Kevin (new)

Kevin (fimbulvetr) | 40 comments For a locker? Not quite Halloween yet.


message 33: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
Oh. For a locker? Then nevermind. XD


message 34: by [deleted user] (new)

ha! baby blue it is.


message 35: by Victor, King's Blade (new)

Victor (damoclesword) | 604 comments Mod
Heh. :-P


message 36: by [deleted user] (new)

XD


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