The Vernon D. Burns Appreciation Society discussion
The Vernon D. Burns Interview
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Meredith
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Jun 18, 2012 02:28PM
Welcome! We look forward to your answer.
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Ian, it is not clear to me whether you mean on my body or on someone else's body which I am allowed access to. You also don't make it clear whether the additional organs will be located in the same vicinity as usual, or whether they would be located in a new location of my chosing. For instance, could I have two breasts upon the top of my head, so that every breeze arouses my nipples? Then again, as gravity began to impact their perkiness, they would quite possibly hang down upon my ears and limit my hearing. An extra eye on my foot would be quite useful for looking up skirts, although it would also be inconvenient because it would forever rule out wearing sensible shoes.
Who could be disappointed in three dicks, though? The only question is where they could be ideally placed. They'd be likely to get broken if they were on my buttocks or elbows. Perhaps my additional peni could replace my nipples.
Yes, that is my final answer. Three peni, and I want my nipples to be the second and third of them.
Excellent choice, if I may say so. Now, if you have a moment, I would like to ask you about your ongoing writing projects.I have heard that after Double Feature, you plan to release Blood Lust, which features your most complex female lead character. Is there anything you would like to tell your fans about your work on Blood Lust?
Thank the Gods of the Jungle Planet that evolution is able to sift through these options for us. I wonder if there is something vestigial in the expression "prick up your ears". Though I do like the thought of the nips of your ears getting bigger. I will let you know if I ever work out the ideal place for three dicks. Perhaps, the FBI might know.
Yes. Bloodlust is intended to generate gobs and gobs of income for me by jumping on all of the gravy trains that are currently transporting gravy from one place to another. Since the original was written back in 1996, I am rewriting it to add more horrific elements. It is the story of a lovely 31-year-old wannabe lawyer who is on the verge of taking her Bar exam to escape her current occupation working at a convenience store called Convenience Store. Meanwhile, she's trying to get over her breakup with Patel Runninghorse, an Indian who is also a werewolf. Then, Gavin enters the story, and her heart, and her pants.
It's a story about coming to terms with the past and accepting the one you love, even if they do happen to be a werewolf vampire who has a demon living inside of them and who is gradually turning into a zombie.
Also, the sex scenes are very hot. I have read romances and watched porns in preparation for the rewrites.
What inspired you to write about a heroine who so closely resembles Jon Lovitz?
Actually, she doesn't look especially like Jon Lovitz. She's more Ashley Judd meets adorable trashy ho. Since you mention it, though, Jon Lovitz could easily play Patel Runninghorse, if Jon Lovitz looked more Indian. Her werewolf love interest is in his forties with an admirable beer belly, but is probably a much better boxer than Jon Lovitz. I don't know if John Lovitz can box. I don't know much about Jon Lovitz's personal life, other than his penchant for big cigars that look like black man cocks.
If you get stuck in your Bar exams, the answer to the supplementary question in Australia is "my shout". Works every time.
Gross.If a vampire and a zombie and a werewolf had to fight it out MMA-style in a cage, who would win?
Ian wrote: "If you get stuck in your Bar exams, the answer to the supplementary question in Australia is "my shout". Works every time."I have no idea what that sentence means.
Using my psychotic powers, here is an answer to an upcoming question: Yes, it will appeal to fans of zombies, werewolves, and vampires equally. And it will also appeal to the Nicholas Sparks crowd because of the constant streams of tragedies that will befall all of the characters constantly. The tragedy will make it more romantic, although it kind of sucks for Meredith.
Also, I'm trying to rope in the Fifty Shades of Gray crowd, no pun intended. With any luck, this one will sell a brazillion copies.
Ian wrote: "If you get stuck in your Bar exams, the answer to the supplementary question in Australia is "my shout". Works every time."I have no idea what that sentence means.
I believe that means you are offering to buy th next round of beers.
Vernon wrote: "Using my psychotic powers, here is an answer to an upcoming question: Yes, it will appeal to fans of zombies, werewolves, and vampires equally. And it will also appeal to the Nicholas Sparks crow..."
Your powers of intuition are astounding.
On to my next question: If a vampire and a zombie and a werewolf had to fight it out MMA-style in a cage, who would win?
Miriam wrote: "I believe that means you are offering to buy the next round of beers."ahhh. good tip.
In this MMA cage match, it is obvious who would win. I would.
I have thought long and hard about how I would go about defeating all three of these species of mutants. First, trick the vampire into biting me, but pull away before I've been sucked dry. Then, play dead while the three of them fight like crazy. Meanwhile, I'm turning into an ultra-strong vampire. The werewolf will tear the zombie up because the zombie can do the most damage from a single bite. While the werewolf is doing this, the vampire will jump on the werewolf's back and wrap its legs around, trying to bite through the thick layers of fur. The two will be locked in combat. Meanwhile, I will use my cane--long and wooden with a silver tip--and drive it right through both of them from behind. The werewolf will be penetrated by the silver of my cane, while the wood will serve as a stake for the vampire. Both of them will explode in a cloud of CGI special effects, Buffy the Vampire Slayer-style, and I will then start cheering. I will then realize that half of the zombie is crawling after me, and I will bludgeon it with my cane until there's not enough of its head left for it to continue its pursuit.
That's exactly what would happen.
Sorry, I'm listening to powerpop on my walk and it's playing havoc with my timing and relevance, not that they were ever my strong suit.
That is very vivid. I'm glad you've thought this through.It is my understanding that you have written one book per week for the past seventy-two years. Among those books, do you have a favorite?
In Gods of the Jungle Planet, meatloaf is used in one memorable sequence as a lubricant. First, could vegetarian meatloaf be substituted, and do you have a recipe?
Also, is your romantic lead in Blood Lust - the vampire/werewolf/zombie - a vegetarian?
I don't know why I'm hung up on vegetarianism today.
Also, is your romantic lead in Blood Lust - the vampire/werewolf/zombie - a vegetarian?
I don't know why I'm hung up on vegetarianism today.
In addition to not revising, I also do not reread my books. I find that authors who reread their work are usually very self-centered. Plus, that would waste my precious time. Leave it to the other people to read my books. That being said, I do still have a favorite, because I have a photographic memory for all of those manuscripts. You should see how full my house is with boxes full of manuscripts. They're all over the place, big piles of boxes tall enough to be trees. They're kind of like pre-sliced trees.
In fact, Sparrow, maybe you could come over some time, and I could let you have a look at them. Is it true that blondes have more fun?
Anyway, my favorite so far is the book where I most clearly lay out my personal philosophy. It is called Gabriel: Day of the Archangel, and tells exactly what will happen on the day of judgement, and why I will be allowed to help with the judging.
I like your name a lot, Ceridwen. I thought I had made that up when I included a character named Ceridwen in Sorority Slaughterhouse: Alpha Kappa Die. Apparently I did not.If you truly want to make meatloaf the GotJP way, it HAS to be made with soy. Back on Earth, cows have gone entirely extinct because of deforestation and the warming of the global. Because it takes so many resources to feed a cow, soy is the only way to go as far as making your meatloaf.
However, I do not have a recipe, because I'm not some fucking hippie vegetarian, and in the real world, there are more cows than you can shake a stick at.
Yes, it is true that Meredith is a vegetarian, and so is her vampire lover, Gavin. At least, he seems to be. . . .
Hmmmm. I'll see if I can fit a visit to your pre-sliced trees into my schedule. Until then, I'm out of questions!Do you have anything else you would like to tell your adoring fans? Fans, do you have more questions?
OH EM GEE. THERE'S A CERIDWEN IN A VD BURNS BOOK.
You might have made up the name. I mean, My parents claim it's a Celtic deity, but what do they know? They might just be hiding youthful indescetions with VD Burns.
That came out wrong. Sorry, Mum and Dad.
You might have made up the name. I mean, My parents claim it's a Celtic deity, but what do they know? They might just be hiding youthful indescetions with VD Burns.
That came out wrong. Sorry, Mum and Dad.
Thank you, VD, thank you, Sparrow. I feel like I have been a witness to the goings on in the first book of the Bible.
Yes, I do have something else I want to tell my adoring fans. Adoring fans, in case you have somehow missed this particular detail, my brand new novella "Furry Piranha" will be coming out next month. Annoyingly, it will be packaged with someone else's novella called "The Curse of the Screwnicorn." It's by some guy you've never heard of and nobody cares about. But "Furry Piranha" is going to be amazing, and it is part one of the two-part book, Double Feature. You can already add it to your goodreads "To read" list, and think about how amazing it will be, although you won't be able to read it quite yet. Here's the part that is even more exciting:
AT THE VERY MOMENT THE BOOK IS FINISHED, we will be giving away free copies to five lucky goodreaders! All you need to do is enter the contest by sending Michael a message saying you want to be entered into the drawing, and you may be able to get Double Feature for zero dollars, even before the book is released on Kindle!
Sparrow, thank you for being the ringleader and asking tough questions. Thanks, every one else, for your questions as well. It's now time to drink my dinner and go to bed.
Which character do I get to be in the first book of the Bible? I either want to be God or the Snake.
Three days of answering questions with you people? Do you know how goddamn hard it is to be nice for even one day? The marijuana cost for the last 24 hours has been astronomical.
I can continue asking questions if there is audience demand. For example, here is one I discarded in the interests of time:Using only a symbol, please describe the amount of pressure you put a pen.
Vernon wrote: "Three days of answering questions with you people? Do you know how goddamn hard it is to be nice for even one day? The marijuana cost for the last 24 hours has been astronomical."Plus, this is a pretty lazy audience. I think the third day was offered for good behavior.
Yes, Bird Brian. I don't think you've asked a single question yet, you clownfucker.
Vernon wrote: "Which character do I get to be in the first book of the Bible? I either want to be God or the Snake."There is more plot potential for the Snake in Revelation (although sometimes the Bible equates Snakes and Dragons for some reason):
"Then from his mouth the serpent spewed water like a river, to overtake the woman and sweep her away with the torrent."
I have tried this several times, though admittedly not with water, and it has never worked yet.
Uh, Michael, you forgot to log in as VDBurns...I mean, why are YOU pretending to be VDBurns!
Bird Brian, Benny Hill is one of my many idols. He was a comedic genius, although I obviously do not write comedy. I would love the chance to meet Guy N. Smith, and perhaps go hunting with him. He is an avid gamesman, and there's nothing I like better than killing things with my favorite authors. However, I have never had the chance to meet him, and I think it is a travesty that his brilliant novels are so hard to find these days.
As far as bird characters go, they may be a little hard to find because they've been long out of print. It would be worth hunting down Plague of Flamingos, which was inspired by Hitchcock's The Birds, only with way more of the four b's. Its sequel, Succubus of the Were-Flamingo, also might be up your alley. Then, there's of course my illustrated children's story, What Happens to Lying Little Children, which features one character who gets raped by thousands of hummingbirds, and in then sacrificed to London's rat god.
There is more plot potential for the Snake in Revelation (although sometimes the Bible equates Snakes and Dragons for some reason)I have long wanted to write Revelation as a graphic novel, and can imagine the layout for this very scene. Sadly, Marvel Comics remains uninterested.
Ignore that Michael person! He was preemptively stealing my ideas!
The jury will disregard the man behind the curtain.
Oh whew. I'm glad you got your ideas back from him.
VD, I think we now know who's been looking at your notebooks. You cannot be too careful in these intellectual property matters.
The doctor informs me that all of this excitement has gotten my blood pressure out of the safe range, so I must log off and go eat my mush. But if any more questions trickle in during the after party, I will be certain to answer them asap.
The Vernon D. Burns Appreciation Society
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Double Feature (other topics)Gods of the Jungle Planet (other topics)
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