The Vernon D. Burns Appreciation Society discussion
The Vernon D. Burns Interview
message 51:
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Vernon
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Jun 17, 2012 03:29PM
As a final parting response to message 52: There was this really dorky looking guy with this weird haircut, and kind of feminine ways of moving his arms and wrists, who was talking to me about some kind of book called The Egg Stands Alone or something. He came up and was talking to me at a convention. I think it was BuboniCon. As I was talking to him, the idea of a homosexual biologist just dropped upon me, like a faggot of wood from the heavens. After that, I just ran with it.
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Oh wow! A real life connection with one of the most beloved characters from GotJP! This young man should be flattered.You let me and the fans know whenever you're ready to resume answering questions, and we'll be here.
Until then, and as always, the floor is open for comment.
Sparrow wrote: "Until then, and as always, the floor is open for comment."I think we are speechless.
Could I just ask a question for the next session: was it the meatloaf or the motion that made Sarah wanna rock?
It's clear you feel a strong connection to Vernon Burns, Ian. It's almost like you are a reader/reviewer embodiment of the analytical theory surrounding Burns's work.
Sparrow wrote: "It's clear you feel a strong connection to Vernon Burns's work, Ian. It's almost like you are a reader/reviewer embodiment of the analytical theory surrounding Burns's work."It is true, Sparrow. It's such a tragedy that your astuteness will be wasted on the law. There are already enough frustrated writers in that profession. If only they and you would follow their/your true passion.
As for VD and me, if I were ever to meet him, I would get down on my knees and emulate him shamelessly.
His initials are beautifully appropriate.
I would just like to express deep disappointment that I have never been picked up by anyone with such suave lines as V.D. Burns'.
Ian wrote: "It's such a tragedy that your astuteness will be wasted on the law. There are already enough frustrated writers in that profession. If only they and you would follow their/your true passion."Aww snap!
Eh?Eh! wrote: "I would just like to express deep disappointment that I have never been picked up by anyone with such suave lines as V.D. Burns'."
I'm surprised, Eh! You must have gotten one of those! Not even the, "Do you have a blond or red-headed friend?"
Nope. Sad face! And with such a great line, you know I would've immediately wracked my brain for all my blonde and redhead friends to pass on to him.
Lost opportunity. These fellows don't know what they're missing.
Alright, I am back. Eh!, your fortune is about to change.
Hey, hot stuff, I love your ethnic black hair! Does the carpet match the drapes?
In answer to Ian's question, number 58, it was actually the fact that she had an insatiable appetite for sex that made her want to rock. The lube and the cock could have come from virtually any source.
Great! I have one more question about the character of Caris the homosexual biologist, and then I'm ready to move on to other species.I'm told that in an early version of GotJP, Caris the homosexual biologist spends a great deal of time shaving his junk. Is that the case, and if so, why did you decide to cut those parts from the final version?
Did he not want his carpet to match his drapes?
Because I did not want to spend any more of the reader's time than necessary focusing on Caris's little wisp of a cock. I figured Caris himself gives the little thing more attention than it deserves.
Good point.Moving on to other species in the novel, in your educated opinion, does the hemipenis give the velociraptors a reproductive advantage over the spawning-style reproduction of the Skjerdals?
Follow up: if you could be a velociraptor or a Skjerdal, which would you be?
Caris likes his junk bare. Since the rest of his body has aged prematurely, at least his penis can look like that of a schoolboy.
No, the hemipenis is not a huge benefit as far as reproduction goes. In my estensive prewriting, I made the decision that although each raptor has between two and four hemipenes, only one of these is capable of planting live seed, although all four are capable of being aroused and spraying cum all over the place. This way, it is easier for raptors to avoid unwanted pregnancies simply by using an impotent cock. However, the Skjerdals are in a constant state of arousal because they can read each other's dirty thoughts. So, at the end of the day, the Skjerdals might be in a better place for species proliferation.
I would be like Ralphie from the sequel, Gas Demons From Beyond. He is a raptor with a scorpion tail on his head, meaning he gets the benefits of both species: telepathic, yet able to avoid unwanted spawn. Plus, he has a hot mom.
Nice.A common theory on your work is that it is really the negative space left by another character, Michael, who dies early in the story, that propels the ultimate evolution of species. Can you comment on what inspired you to such an important plot twist?
Have you been reading my notes? Who let you into my house? Michael was vital to the proper running of the ship, and represents the logical mind. Once he is gone--at the beginning of the story, in fact--everything begins functioning through the logic of the id. So yes, his death is vitally important.
And the ramifications of his death won't truly be recognized by the reader until Sarah reaches her new home in the third and final volume of the trilogy.
I could just feel it. You touched on this earlier, but what is your response to critical analysis saying you intended the character of Sarah to be a Biblical reference envisioned through the body of Pamela Anderson?
Follow up: is there a Biblical analogy in the character of Michael?
In answer to your first question, I think it's pretty fucking obvious that Sarah is a reflection of that ho from the Bible. She doesn't look like Pamela Anderson, though. Pamela is way too old. She looks like a 19-year-old Pamela Anderson, as drawn by a horny comic book illustrator.As far as Michael factors into this Biblical imagery, the answer is 'yes,' but I will leave it to the literate scholars to figure out how. There's no reason to blow my whole load before I'm even out of the bull pen.
Very strategic.Do you think that Snyder and Sampson are really brothers? And what makes you think so?
Because I have access to my seven notebooks full of backstory, I do know that the two were in fact brothers, and Gladys had to change her name as she became an expatriate from Nazi Germany. Since this doesn't spoil anything from book 2 or 3 I'm willing to give you some of the details, but don't think you're gonna get me to spoil the ending!
Oh, I would never!Now I’d like to talk a little about Double Feature, the much-anticipated upcoming release from Guy and Campbell Publishing, but first, I have a question about your time working with Guy and Campbell. I’m sure you’ve heard about the sexual harassment allegations from Gwennifer Plodder against certain members of the board at Guy and Campbell. I understand she called them, “skeezy.” Do you have any response to this, and have you experienced sexual harassment at Guy and Campbell?
I can tell you for certain that those claims are unfounded. I can tell a lot about a person from their hair, and both Darwin Guy and Campbell Thackeray are gayer than San Francisco hairdressers. No, Gwennifer has been having some problems with her medications lately, and I firmly believe those allegations were the result of not nearly enough drugs in her system. Don't get me wrong, she's a very nice lady, although she's kind of a whale. They definitely are skeezy, but I'm pretty confident they're only skeezy with other guys.
Regarding your question about sexual harassment, that is another subject my lawyer has advised I not discuss. That and my English teacher.
Fair enough. On to Double Feature. Is it scientifically proven that the cover art for Double Feature is the best motherfucking cover art that ever existed on any book ever?
For those who have not had the opportunity to view the cover, this is it:
Yes, hands down. The jury is still out on global warming, but we know Double Feature is the best cover art ever. I feel very lucky to have that one guy doing my cover art, and I thought the cover of GOTJP was great, too. I can't remember the artist's name, but he's one of those unpaid interns. The one they make clean the empty liquor bottles out of my office.
Fact. The cover of GotJP was truly great, too.It seems that, on the cover of Double Feature, your name is spelled Herman Paul Vermeesch. Was this a typo and what was your reaction when you first saw your name spelled like that?
Well, that was actually an inside joke between me and that intern, whatever his name is. My best friend, and a very talented author in his own right, Forrest Audobon, has this series of secret agent novels that might eventually come out. They're about Max Girthman, an American Secret Agent who doesn't take bullshit from anybody. Anyway, Herman Paul Vermeesch is the name of the criminal mastermind in book two. What is that one called? What Happens in Uranus Stays In Uranus?
Audobon claims I was the inspiration for the character, but I personally don't see it. That Vermeesch guy is a clueless asshole.
Wow! That is quite a revelation! It will be exciting to see your evil alter-ego if that series comes out, although I can't see how he could be modeled after you based on what you're describing.In Furry Piranha, the first book featured in Double Feature, are the piranhas actually furry?
Follow up: wet fur tends to be pretty disgusting and cold, but in Furry Piranha it appears that the piranhas grew fur in order to stay warm. What type of scientific research did you have to do in order to write about the development of piranhas with fur?
Yes, the piranhas are actually furry. Not all of them, but the majority of the furry piranhas are furry. You know, it really depends on the kind of fur. This is really warm fur. Would polar bears have fur if it weren't warm, for example? It's like polar bear fur. Only gray instead of black.
At this point in the interview, I am contractually obligated to say the following: I have been reading Forrest Audobon's upcoming thriller, Winged Leviathan, and it is one of the funniest horror novels I've ever read! Moscow leads a hard-as-nails crew of marines who never turn away from a good fight. But, venturing into Russian territory on the brink of World War II in the hopes of stealing an incredible weapon is enough to set anyone on edge. Not to mention the fact that they're escorting scientists—the sexy and spunky Miss McKnight and the hilarious and absentminded Mr. Hayes—to a church that predates the birth of Christ. What is this ancient weapon the scientists hope to find? What else will they find at this strange, secluded church in the highest Caucasus mountains? Moscow has seen some crazy things in his time, but nothing that will compare with....
THE WINGED LEVIATHAN!
Okay, that's done. Now I can stop being a corporate puppet, and continue talking about my own wares.
That sounds like a wild ride! We'll all have to add it to our shelves!Curse of the Screwicorn, written by your co-author, Mr. Albert Clapp, and the second book published in Double Feature, begins with a drunk driving incident. Do you have an opinion about drunk driving, and if so, what is it?
I think that drunk driving is something that everyone should try at least once. Personally, if I didn't drunk drive, I'd never get anywhere. It gets harder once they put one of those breathalyzers in your car, but I always tell people not to be dissuaded just because of that. Just pay one of the neighborhood kids to blow on it for you. I hope nobody reads that last sentence out of context.
While we're on serious topics, I realized I failed to ask you one of my most important questions about GotJP:Sarah, although treated like shit throughout GotJP, ultimately (view spoiler). How do you think Sarah would advise other women like her to deal with existential anguish?
She would advise other women to take control of their own sexuality. If some guy is trying to have his way with you, whether he's a raptor, or a ninja, or a naked mole rat, use your pocketknife and cut his dick off. Then throw the dick off your spaceship, and only have babies if you want them. If you have one and you don't want it, throw it off the spaceship. It's important that men realize that they can't just take advantage of a woman. They need to pay her for her services like everybody else does.
Alright, I have time for one more question. I have already stayed up way past my usual bedtime. But I will be back tomorrow to answer the rest of your questions, Sparrow, and also the questions from the rest of the huddled masses.
Well, you've already given a lot of great advice to the many writers whom you have inspired. I doubt you have experienced this yourself, but do you have advice to other authors experiencing negative reviews on goodreads?
I think the best way to respond to these reviews is by doing what I do, on the rare occasion somebody doesn't like my book: start insulting them and cyber-stalking them. It's best to comment right on their review thread so they know you mean business. I find the words "asshole" and "douche" are very good ways of starting these messages, because they show that you recognize the rudeness of the review and are capable of responding with the same. For instance, here's what I said to a reviewer I didn't like just the other day:Dear Asshole,
Maybe next time before you try reading literature, you should pull your head out of your ass so you can see the words. Choke on a dick and die, you illiterate cum puppet.
Sincerely,
Vernon D. Burns
Also, telling your other author friends about the annoying douches who didn't like your book, and encouraging them to also cyber-stalk the rude reader is a good idea. This way, your readers know before they even read the book that they'd better damned well like it, and if they don't, then suck it up. I'm trying to save up for new dentures, and negative publicity is only moving those teeth further and further from my mouth.
Thank you so much for all of the warm, passionate, and insightful advice you've given us today!I only have a few questions left, but we'll be back again tomorrow at around 1:00 PM PST to find out more about "how sausage is made." Tomorrow's topic: Vernon D. Burns's work on Bloodlust.
Hey, Sparrow (sorry, as a frequent and vexatious litigant, this is how I address all Attorneys and Judges, but with their first name or nickname substituted, of course), I just wanted to thank you for being such a wonderful intermediary and/or medium in this discussion.You have elicited some wonderful insights from VD, without once leading your witness or stumbling across an unanswerable or moot point.
You are amply deserving of a place at the American Bar (and vice versa).
And we're back for a few more questions with Vernon D. Burns!Please let us know when you are ready to begin, Mr. Burns.
VD, if you could have three of anything, would you prefer eyes, dicks or boobs?
I fear a medical emergency may have taken Mr. Burns from our presence. If he can't join us on this thread, at least we will all still have him in our hearts!
You were correct, Sparrow. I fell and could not get up. Fortunately, someone eventually wandered down the alley and helped me up. I'm now ready to continue the interview, and I am going to answer Ian's question.
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