The Vernon D. Burns Appreciation Society discussion
The Vernon D. Burns Interview
message 1:
by
Michael
(new)
Jun 16, 2012 02:41PM
Mod
reply
|
flag
future established lawyer. Let's get this right, now.
OKAY PEOPLE!!! IT'S TIME TO INTERVIEW OUR ASSES OFF WITH V.D. BURNS!!!!!Just gimme a minute to get this party started. . . .
We have with us today Mr. Vernon D. Burns, critically acclaimed author of Gods of the Jungle Planet. The release of Mr. Burns’s new book Double Feature through Guy & Campbell Publishing is almost upon us, so look for it on your Amazon accounts and your friends’ goodreads shelves soon!I hope to cover a few topics with Mr. Burns today: namely, the human condition, the analytical theory behind Gods of the Jungle Planet, the greatly anticipated release of Double Feature, and Mr. Burns’s future projects. So, we have a lot to look forward to!
But, of course, feel free to jump in with your own questions at any point! Mr. Burns is here to answer your questions and tell you how to ask them better than you do.
Welcome, to your Appreciation Society, Mr. Burns. It is an honor to have you. Please let me know when you are ready to begin sharing your pearls of wisdom.
I have arrived, and I'm ready to expose my pearls.
Vernon wrote: "I have arrived, and I'm ready to expose my pearls."oh my...
I’d like to start out with a few general questions about your early years. Rumor has it that when you were young, you were the world's third greatest unicyclist. Is that true, and how has your circus and/or pirate training influence your writing?
I'm afraid you've got your facts from an idiot, missy. I was the third greatest unicyclist in Brazil, Indiana, where I grew up. Brazil is well-known for unicycling prowess, almost as much as for our prepackaged lunch meat factory, where cows go from grazing in the fields to shrink-wrapped and ready for the freezer in 45 minutes. Those Nigerian unicyclists, though, tend to beat even my city's best. I'm not sure whether it's the incredible leg-strength inherent in their race or what, but Brazil can't compete with the Nigerians.
I pulled double time at the circus as a barker for one of those booths where you try to throw a basketball through a hoop that's smaller than the basketball, and as a sword-swallower. I would say that experience has given me low expectations for the intellect of my audience, and an amazing awareness of how long of an object can fit into the human mouth. Both of which you can see expressed in my fiction.
And I don't know how you found out about the piracy. I wasn't selling the DVDs, though, I swear. Just making copies for my own use, then deciding to give them away. For money.
Oh, I'm glad we cleared all of that up. Especially about the piracy. Thank you for your candid responses, and don't worry, the FBI doesn't have access to the internet, so I'm pretty sure you are safe from any investigation.My next question is about your writing process. Where do you find inspiration for your writing?
I don't believe writing is about inspiration. Inspiration is some bullshit made up by lazy liberals who want to go about writing in a slow, tedious way. My ideas come straight out of my favorite books and movies, often verbatim. For instance, In Gods of the Jungle Planet, I combined elements of Jurassic Park, Land Before Time VI and Platoon to form the basis for the velociraptor culture. And Sarah's character was clearly based on the character from the Bible, and sometimes from my favorite character in Cheerleaders Love Anal 3.If you wanna call that inspiration, I guess my biggest inspirations are the books and movies that I steal from wholesale.
Ah, you call liberals lazy - is there any political party that you find particularly hard working?
Since Sparrow is the professional, I'll answer her question first, little Snedwick, and then I shall answer your thoughtful question. Not that yours aren't thoughtful, Sparrow. They are. You seem like a nice young lady. I would say the political parties are bullshit. I consider myself a libertarian slash green party supporter, because I believe everybody should have the utmost freedom to do whatever they want. Even illegal things. The libertarians believe strongly in financial liberty, meaning nobody can make me give my money to annoying, starving children that are clearly being weeded out of the population for Darwinian reasons.
The green party, on the other hand, represents my favorite color other than clear. And I met a guy who was running for the green party this one time, and he seemed like he had a great head on his shoulders for a homeless guy.
In answer to Snedwick, I would give you the advice that my English teacher once gave me, many years ago: write believable characters. There's nothing more annoying than reading a book where all of the characters are two-dimensional, or one dimensional, or have no dimensions whatsoever. The characters in my books always have three, or sometimes four if I'm writing sci fi. Women are never merely domestic masterminds: they are also sexy and full of carnal initiative. Three dimensions. Also, you write a lot more books, much faster, if you do not revise. Revising is a form of governmental control. Don't buy into it.
As far as money goes, I might not be the best author to ask, since most of my money has come through successful pyramid schemes. However, when I asked my English teacher how to become fabulously wealthy, he said the answer was buckets of boobs, and bouncing blood. The four b's of successful writing. I may have gotten those out of order, but you get the general idea.
Can you tell us more about your English Teacher?
No.
You have named a few books and movies from which you've stolen wholesale for your novels, but do you have a favorite book and a favorite movie?
Yes, I do. My favorite book would be The Sucking Pit by Guy N. Smith. 
It's a very evocative book, and very creepy. This one was a book I stole from quite extensively when writing Night of the Witch Orgies and Shitbeast Needs a Bride. Guy N. Smith is a major inspiration for me because of the sheer quantity of books he wrote. I hope that, if I live for another fifty or sixty years, I can be every bit as important to contemporary fiction.
As far as books go, I'm a big fan of Toni Morrison's Beloved. Very scary stuff. That woman is fucked up.
Those were both books, but The Sucking Pit is so vivid it feels like a movie. As far as movies go, I would say Teeth, which everybody should watch. It's a deep movie, and has feminist overtones, like my work. And vagina dentata, which I often have nightmares about.
Word. Speaking of fucked up, if you had to be killed by one serial killer from a horror film, who would it be?
I have thought long and hard about how I would deal with each and every one of them, so I think the possibility of this actually happening is unlikely. However, if I had to choose, I would want to be killed by the psychotic rubber tire from the 2011 movie
Rubber
. It's a tire that can use its mind to make people's heads explode. That's very scary, and for weeks after watching that movie, I avoided tires entirely. En-tire-ly! Zing!
Good one. Along those same lines, if you had to die at the hands of one monster, which would it be? Maybe the rubber tire covers the answer to both questions, but if you would have a different response, I'm sure your audience would love to hear it.
I would also like to take this time to say that you should feel free to let me know if, at any point, you need a break to take a nap or drink your dinner. I am a very curious girl, and I can ask questions for days, but none of us at the Appreciation Society want to interfere with your regular schedule.
You raise an important point, Sparrow, and this illustrates the limitations of your feminine perspective. Can a firm line be drawn between mankind and monsterkind? I say no, and so does my fiction. Because monsters are, inevitably, the creation of man. And by man, I mean mankind, or personkind, or whatever I'm allowed to say these days without offending some asshole.For instance, taking a mainstream example everyone can connect with. In the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the monsters were the result of inbreeding and a lack of education, in addition to constant exposure to the sounds of death at a nearby slaughterhouse.
So, who is the real monsters? The people who made the family outcasts? The politicians who kept them from a good education? The Bible, which encourages incest in some chapters? The people who decided to build a slaughterhouse next to the home of some inbred morons?
Or is it the guy who starts killing people with a chainsaw? Who is to say?
I am to say. I say: they're all monsters, but mankind is always the catalyst when monsters happen. Thus, we must shoulder two thirds of the blame in all monster activities.
That is a very deep and evasive answer, Mr. Burns. I can tell you've thought about these things. If you don't mind my asking a question that all the ladies want to know, what is your astrological sign?
I would just like to say that I find all of Vernon's characters unbelievably believable and I feel profoundly touched by this opportunity to converse.
It truly is a touching opportunity, Ian. Thanks to you and all of the fans who have shown their passion for boobs and blood by commenting on this thread.
...and for vagina dentata. We need to be all encompassing here, Sparrow.
According to Western astrology, I am a Libra. According to Eastern, I am a horse. Combined, that makes me a lion horse. See? This is how it happens. Now I'm going to steal that hybrid idea from the zodiacs and write a book about it. As a horse lion, I am proud and noble, well-hung yet hard working and dependable. I am currently on the market, too, my third wife having died of old age in 2009. I'm looking preferably for an intelligent woman who is well-read, funny, and likes cooking and cleaning, preferably in the nude. Age, weight and sexual orientation don't matter at this point.
Vernon wrote: "Age, weight and sexual orientation don't matter at this point."I see you've kept your sights set high, Mr. Burns.
It sounds like you mean you are a Leo, but I'm really digging the lion horse imagery. Since we're on the topic of your love life, I have another question along those lines. When many men first meet a woman, they like to call her an ugly Rachel Maddow-look-alike lesbian. What is your favorite pick-up line and why?
Sparrow wrote: "It truly is a touching opportunity, Ian. Thanks to you and all of the fans who have shown their passion for boobs and blood by commenting on this thread."Thanks, Sparrow, and congratulations on your recent admission.
Oh, I'm not admitted yet, but thanks! I still have to take the bar exam. That's why I corrected it to "future." No legal advice coming from this girl.
Perhaps we should accept legal advice from Vernon D. Burns, instead?
Jason wrote: "Perhaps we should accept legal advice from Vernon D. Burns, instead?"I don't see how that could go wrong.
Thank you for your kind words, Ian. I am glad the realism of my portrayals of the human condition has touched you deeply, at your quivering core. When I first meet a woman, I like to first inspect her footwear. I would never express interest in a woman who wears sensible shoes. By sensible shoes, I mean ones that are comfortable, modest, or predictable. I prefer women who wear shoes that throw off her gait, thus making it harder for her to walk away when I use my favorite pick-up line.
Then, the pick-up line is based purely on hair color, because that is how women can be most quickly sorted into personality types.
"Hey, missy, I like your red hair! Does that mean you have a fiery personality?"
"Hi, little lady! Is it true? Do blondes have more fun?"
"Hi! I see that you're a brunette. Do you have a blonde friend, or a friend who is a redhead? Can you introduce me?"
"Mama mia! I love your black hair! Which minority do you come from?"
"Nice white hair, lady! They say that just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there isn't fire in the furnace. Have you gone through menopause? Okay, then. Have a nice night."
I then get into my defensive stance if her eyes narrow. If not, I ask her whether the carpet matches the drapes. That works with all the subcategories of women.
That leads nicely into discussing your critically acclaimed masterpiece, recently re-released on Kindle, Gods of the Jungle Planet.I noticed some references to the Alien films in GotJP. What was your reaction to Sigourney Weaver cutting her hair in Alien 3?
And what of the influence of GOTJP on Prometheus? Am I the only one who detected the boob deficiency in the film? Surely, if you're going to rip off a book, go the whole hog and really bring home the bacon and the pork swords.
I must say it was problematic for me. If a woman goes bald naturally, that's one thing, and it can be cute. But if you shave your head, you're a bull dyke. I prefer women who like men, or women who like other women when men (i.e. me) are in the room. But I would still do Sigourney Weaver, even if she is a bull dyke.
Well said.GotJP contains so many metaphors for the human condition. Could you talk a little bit about meatloaf and its symbolism within your framework of stories?
I hope that I have not missed anyone else's questions as this interview has gone along. If I do miss anything, let me know. There's something called a 'mouse' attached to this computer, and my grandson can use it to go back up the screen, but I can't figure out how to make it work. I shake it, and I wave it around, and I press on it, and nothing happens.Anyway, Ian: I have yet to see that movie, although the advertisement was very well done. Often, with Hollywood films, I only watch the advertisements because you get the most exciting parts packed into three minutes instead of two hours. Like sex, I believe movies are best when quick, loud, and with little dialogue. I try to write my books so that they are as exciting as movie advertisements.
I had one question left over, Mr. Burns. I'll copy it again below in case you didn't see it:GotJP contains so many metaphors for the human condition. Could you talk a little bit about meatloaf and its symbolism within your framework of stories?
I find as I get older if it doesn't work when I shake, wave or press it, a gentle squeeze or two will revive it.
++++SPOILERS IN THIS POST++++Sparrow, I am surprised that none of the critical examinations of the novel have thought about the importance of meatloaf. During a key scene, the only thing separating Sarah and Sampson--the book's two main characters--is the meatloaf that has been smeared into her vagina. This scene is critical because Sarah has already suffered from death, and being molested by a raptor, and being molested by Robert. So, the feminist theme about the fetishizing of women as sexual objects in modern fiction has already emerged. Now, the processed and cooked meat of a cow is being used during the actual act of sex. It should be pointed out that this is the first time Sarah appears to be enjoying the act of sex, because this is the first partner she has been with who isn't forcing it upon her.
Well. As we all know these days, cows are raised in internment camps where they suffer just like Jews in World War II. These creatures are seen as nothing more than their meat, just like starlets and female interviewers and prostitutes. And this obsession with the flesh is what keeps Sampson and Sarah from ever truly touching one another, ever truly uniting on deeper spiritual wavelength. Their sex never moves beyond the superficial because of the warped social paradigm, or the terministic screen, which they are both viewing the world through. It has ruled out the possibility of a deep understanding because they are both still trapped within a patriarchal structure that views them as non-equals.
Also, I was eating meatloaf while I was reading that scene, and I was thinking about vagina.
My memory seems to be failing, so maybe you could help me: in Gods of the Jungle Planet, there is a character named Caris – what was his occupation and sexual orientation again?
Caris has turned out to be a fan favorite for some reason. It's probably because the gays are so popular these days. Maybe I should've had Caris be the main character and get raped by everybody. Maybe the book would've been even more famous.Caris was a homosexual biologist, and last that was seen of him at the end of book one, he was stuck on planet 64-B.
And did you give this character, Caris the homosexual biologist, a girl’s name as commentary on the stereotyping of gay men as feminine?
The nurse has informed me that it is time for my nap. Then, I will need to have my catheter changed, and need to spend some time with my grandkids. Those second and third tasks can be combined, so I should be back at around 4:30. Until then, here's an interview question for the fans: Tell me about amazing books that you think should be written, but that are not yet written for some inconceivable reason.
Great! We'll see you at 4:30, Mr. Burns! (That's in about one hour for those fans watching from a different time zone.)
The Vernon D. Burns Appreciation Society
Books mentioned in this topic
Double Feature (other topics)Gods of the Jungle Planet (other topics)
Double Feature (other topics)
Double Feature (other topics)
Double Feature (other topics)
More...
