The Rory Gilmore Book Club discussion
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Lori, I would keep in mind how Rory acts in most situations, especially once she hits her college years. She has a very unaffected air about her - she has a small group of friends at her school which changes dynamics over time (Marty, Logan, Olivia, Lucy, Paris, etc.), but what she always holds near and dear to her is where she came from - Stars Hollow. She knows those are the people who will be with her for much longer than the people she meets in college probably will. She has gone through the awkwardness of starting Chilton and not having any friends there, she has gone through the decision to go to a different college which goes against everything she has planed for her entire time - all of this adds up to having a great sense of security in her decisions. This in turn leads to an acceptance of herself and the realization that not everyone is going to like her or understand her; she knows the people who do like her and understand her and she focuses on that, not getting involved in wondering and worrying about the people who won't take the time to know her.I suppose that's the best advice I can throw out there right now. It's hard to be in college and being surrounding by so many different people and no one seems willing to take the time to get to know the real you. But you sound like a very intelligent, well-read, good-looking person, just like Lorelei. But Lorelei and Rory are the same in that they are unaffected by what people say about them if those people are unwilling to take the time to understand what makes them tick. They just move on and remember who are the true friends. The best you can do is continue to be yourself, keep making the grades, doing the best work you can and someone eventually will clue in that you seem to be a pretty cool lady. :)
My whole high school time has been like your college time is now (apart from that people never thought me attractive.. I was/am always the nerdy type who is reading way too much).
I can only endorse El's advice, also out of my own experience: Stay true to yourself and don't care about the others.
It's probably really, really, really annoying to have everyone think that you are dumb when you know you really aren't. But you mentioned you had some friends - Just stick with those and learn how to ignore the others. They really aren't important.
I heard you complain quite a lot about your college now, Lori... Why don't you try to transfer to another one? If your grades are good, why don't you try a private college? : )
A new start could be just the thing you need.
I can only endorse El's advice, also out of my own experience: Stay true to yourself and don't care about the others.
It's probably really, really, really annoying to have everyone think that you are dumb when you know you really aren't. But you mentioned you had some friends - Just stick with those and learn how to ignore the others. They really aren't important.
I heard you complain quite a lot about your college now, Lori... Why don't you try to transfer to another one? If your grades are good, why don't you try a private college? : )
A new start could be just the thing you need.
Mod
El, You're completely right! She definitely found her little niche in college. And she is very secure in her decisions, something that I don't feel that I am. I don't feel that I've done very well with the big decisions in my life for some reason (that a different post). I need to forget the people who aren't giving me the time of day. They aren't worth it. And if finding people who give me the time doesn't happen until law school, so be it. I can use the next 3 semesters to catch up on my reading.
Marion, I know that I complain about it a lot. I really shouldn't. I mean, I'm the one that decided to go there, despite what my parents advised. I wish I could transfer, but I only have 3 semesters left and the other place I would go doesn't have any sort of transfer scholarship. I'll stick it out and survive. I'm learning quite a bit about myself. Unfortunately, some of it I could have guessed ahead of time, such as I do not want to live in a tiny college town, but that's life. I imagine that I'll be a stronger person from it.
Dini, Thank you so much for your insight. I think I was more liked and accepted in high school than I am in college. I remember I set out to be different in college. And I have changed, but probably in a negative way. My interests definitely converged and I do fewer activities now (although I still meet people for coffee or to hang out). College has made me just want to crawl into myself and hide from all of the awful people who totally burned me last year (last year was awful). Unfortunately, they're not too far away this year. I hate that I'm complaining like this. This isn't me. I think over break, I've had too much time to think and all of these negative thoughts come out because of how overpowering the bad memories are.
Lori, you are encountering the bane of being a woman who is both intelligent and attractive. Try getting a T shirt that has "Yo! My face is a few degrees north!" printed across your chest. Get the grades, participate in class discussions and try to find an extra-curricular activity where you can utilize your smarts. If using Rory as your model doesn't work out, try Elle in Legally Blond.
Thanks Deborah! I relate a lot to Elle Woods actually.
I thought of suggesting Elle as a role model before, but wasn't sure if she really was appropriate.
Actually, she's even in Law School, Lori - so maybe you should pick her as a role model ; )
Actually, she's even in Law School, Lori - so maybe you should pick her as a role model ; )
Lori, I realize that this may be a little late for you might have already resolved your issues. I guess everyone has experiences that could relate to yours, but I guess since we seem to be in the exact same position in life (I only have 3 semesters left of college as well), I thought mine might be relevant. I am not a blond, and sometimes seem to have the other extreme of people only taking me for a bookish person and not for a person of any other type. But i can understand the feeling of being misunderstood (ironically). You speak of last year being horrible, and I can completely understand that. I had a friend who basically called me a horrible person (with more colorful language) and won't tell me why. Then I lost my roommate and we didn't end up on very good terms. She seemed to take my old friend's side (sounds so middle schoolish) and hasn't talked to me since. since then I have really struggled with who I am and why I seem unable to keep friends for long periods of time. I know that I am not perfect, and have been working on some of my social issues. But (my point - finally :) ) as I have grown last semester, I have begun to learn more about who I am and try to be secure in that. I don't have many friends. Ok, I have one friend that lives in the same city that I do. But I have a family that loves me, and my few friends accept me for who I am. So I am trying to take stock in that fact. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm really sorry that you've had a rough time. But I hope that you can begin to be secure in yourself and how awesome you are. I know its easy to say "forget what other people say and think." But that's not easy, and I know that. But I would try to constantly listen to your friends' opinions and the actions and thoughts of those who are close to you. I started constantly telling myself that I am who I am, and I'm ok with that. It's ok that I go to bed early sometimes, don't party at all, and have to study constantly to make it through school. I'm ok with the fact that I love to read and have a million lists that I make just to be able to get through my life. I don't know if that will help you. But in telling myself who I am, I started being ok with other people's opinion of me. I'm not even very secure now, but I think I've grown these last nine months. And I hope somehow this helps you. It's a rough road, learning to be secure in who you are. But I wish you good luck. And, I believe I can speak for the others in saying that we'll be here for you whenever you need a listening ear.
Hannah, Thanks. That was unbelievably helpful. I love how kind people are on the internet. I feel I know many of you guys more than I know people I see everyday. It's nice to know I'm in the same boat as someone else.
Hannah wrote: "Lori, I realize that this may be a little late for you might have already resolved your issues. I guess everyone has experiences that could relate to yours, but I guess since we seem to be in the ..."Hannah, it sounds like you've learned on of life's hardest lessons. It's not the quantity of friends you have, but the quality. I'm a very fortunate person. I make friends easily. But, as a child, I was incredibly shy. Unfortunately, my family moved a lot, changing cities and sometimes states. I became something of an extrovert as a coping mechanism. One of my favorite quotes is from Bob Dylan. He was in a movie and a director told him to just be himself. Bob thought for a second, then replied, "Yeah, but which one?" Most of us are complex people. If you are comfortable in the skin you're in at the time, people will respond to that. (We sometimes forget that everybody else is at least a little insecure, even the people who seem confident and are popular.)
I think what I'm trying to say here is, it's great to understand who you are and be yourself. But it's also important to recognize that there are many other possibilities of you.
Mod
Lori, I getcha BIG TIME. I'm an intelligent, stacked, hot blonde. It's frustrating to be looked at purely for the lustful aspects of me... Yet I am quite certain I'd be equally annoy if it were the other way around (only for my mind).
Here's what I say regarding that... use it, girlfriend! I mean that hair, those boobs, make them work for you. If they think you are dumb, walk the part until you find the perfect moment to smack 'em across the face (figuratively speaking) with your brilliance! If they take to you even more, you've found a friend (or potential boyfriend). If they don't get it, they're too dumb for you anyway! If they are annoyed or put out by it, they just aren't worth it.
I'm not saying be something other than yourself. I'm just saying be proud of ALL your bits. And don't worry about what other think about you. Instead, focus on what YOU think about you - because when you see just how absolutely fabulous you are EVERYONE around you will.
I like what Deb said about the many possibilities of us. Be comfortable with all of them. Even the one that is insecure and unsure. Be okay with those moments knowing that when you shine who you really are, those bits just add to your wonderful, complicated, fascinating, FABULOUS character. Complicated is GOOD. Got it???
I need to reiterate that as hard as it seems, stop caring about what others think. Just care for those you want to care for, regardless of their response. That loving nature will not return emptiness. Be open to receiving care and love from unexpected place and people.
I've been alone a long time. It's not what I expected or even wanted, but I don't regret it because while it can be lonely and even desperate at times, I have learn how amazing and generous people can be. When you give, you may not get it back from where you might expect, but goodness is returned to you.
And in the times, like now, when I am so completely isolated (for a social, outgoing being like me that is torturous) I know that the strength that is being forged in me will far exceed the suffering I'm enduring. And I must believe that that strength will help me be a better friend, providing me a deep base from which to give.
And by the way, we're here for you, girl! Be strong and carry on. Lean on us when you need a bit of support. Or a smack for not believing in yourself. Because WE see your fabulousness!
whichwaydidshego?, Thanks. Your words have definitely struck something in me. Recently someone asked me whether I'd rather love the one I was with or be with the one I love. And it took me a minute to formulate an answer, but I reasoned that I'd rather love with one I was with (that is, no one but myself) because once I can love me, then I can be with someone I love.So, I think that, for now, I'm OK with being alone and kind of isolated. I have people that I do things with and I have my own activities (both group and alone) and that's OK. I go go go when I want to and pull back and be by myself when I'm spent. And that's OK. That's healthy. That's me knowing my limits and respecting them.
I really like the idea of being like Rory in the Chilton cafeteria. That's pretty much what I do when I eat lunch on campus. I feel so much calmer being OK with being kind of vague and distant like high school Rory, but I do have my small niche like college Rory.
Ah, I'm babbling. Anyway, enough people respect me now that it's kind of funny to screw with the minds of those that treat me like just a body.
Mod
Hey, it's generally a hard road, self-acceptance, but it's worth every rock and pothole. Just keep on the path and enjoy the journey as much as you can. The myopia of youth is the biggest hurdle of all - know that there is SO MUCH more to come, and what people think of you then (or ever, but especially then) is a useless thing to pursue because, really, it is such a fleeting time.
The weird thing is, you'll miss it. Because those insecurities mark discoveries and those difficulties mark great growth. Hard as they are, they are times to savor because there is so much hope and passion and feeling tied up in them.
Live big, my friend. Because when you are "drinking from the dregs" of life, people will be drawn to you. I promise. Some will be worth your love and some won't, but all will bring something to you and help form your character.
And yes, that sounds tiring and stressful when you are studying. But really, it's about appreciating even the crazy moments for what they are. I used to have horrendous text anxiety (got sick before every one), no matter how well prepared I was - in fact the more prepared I was, it seems, the more I stressed. That is one of the things I most remember about college - that terrible, wonderful anticipation. Because it carried over into everything - the hoping and the fear. I wish I could muster that kind of passion and motivation now!
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Thanks Michelle. I definitely have hope and fear most days. You've been such great help these past couple of days on here. I'm afraid that what you say will come true about losing the passion and motivation that I have now. I guess I'll just have to work hard that it doesn't.
Mod
I just got on twitter.com because I caught the tale end of Jimmy Fallon's show the other night and thought it'd be fun to be a part of his "experiment." Well anyway, in the mini (and I mean MINI) bio, just at the last of it I put "passionately thriving." Now most of you know these last few years and particularly these last six months or so have been a terrible ordeal and I've been in a bad place. But you know what? Just writing that reminds me of who I really am and what I am designed to do... and it motivates me to get back to that. So keep reminding yourself how fantastic you are when you get discouraged and feel alone - and when you need it, come to us and we'll encourage and remind you!
P.S. Twitter is really fun if anyone is interested!
Michelle, I clicked on the twitter link and it sent me to my homepage. My twitter name is coffeegirl217, so follow me and I'll follow you.I hate how guided I am by fear. I just don't know how to not be though.
Mod
As for the fear thing - you'll get there. And we'll help you!
Ah. Yeah, I put the ? in there when I did a search. But I'll follow you now.
i like the name lorelai...i want that for a girl name...
lorelai rory leon...hmmmmmmmmmm i like it
lorelai rory leon...hmmmmmmmmmm i like it
OK. So, in high school, I was a lot like Rory, very bookish, straight A's (except for that B my sophomore year in physics!), stuff like that. But once I got to college, I didn't change, but everyone's perception of me did. They acted like I was some dumb blonde and was just an object. The people that really know me, and they're the only ones that really count, know that I'm more than just blonde hair and boobs. But, at least at my college, people never change their minds about anyone and they continually ignore my intelligence. As teen-angsty as it sounds, I feel so misunderstood. It's kind of like how people don't really credit Lorelai with much intelligence, even though she's pretty smart and seems quite well read.
I don't really know what I'm looking for here. It's not sympathy. Maybe I'm just wanting to put this situation out into the world and see what, if anything, other people have to say.