Looking for some feedback on my story!

[Chloe]

Hey there, so I know there was a topic about writing and it seems that there are a lot of writers in this group! I recently have posted about three chapters of the story I'm working on and was just looking for some feedback if anyone has the time. It's kind of turning into a Cyberpunk/Sci-Fi/Romance.
I'm pretty new to writing (at least on this level) and totally new to sharing it with real people lol so I am really open to any critique you can offer.
Thanks!

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

[Patricia]

I just read the three chapters you've posted and I like what you've done so far. The plot you've posted sounds interesting and the first part immediately had me wanting to read more. I'm looking forward to learning more about this world you're building.

As far as critique goes I don't have all that much to offer. English isn't my native language so I'm always cautious when it comes to commenting on spelling/grammar and when it comes to structure it's hard to judge when there's only a beginning to a story.

The only odd line I found was in chapter 2: A Private School promised good food, a bigger room (With only one other person living in it, as opposed to five.) and a guaranteed job in the rich neighborhoods.
Think it's the use of the capital letter and period between the brackets.

[Chloe]

Thanks for the time it's much appreciated :)

You're right on that bit about the brackets, I keep finding little things to change around.
Grammar has never been my biggest strong-suit so still a bit of work to do on that. I have a less-formal style so I get away with some things but I do want it to be grammatically sound. I have been putting a lot of time in it though and I would eventually love to publish. (If not this something else.)

Thanks again :)

[Gary]

Hey!

I'm a mod over at the Erotic SciFi group. We have a thread in our Writer's Lounge where you can get a detailed criticism of five hundred words of writing. Feel free to submit your work there!

[Rachel]

Overall, the story is good!

My rule of thumb when I write: when I'm done with a piece, I go through and find every conjugation of 'to be', and see if I can rewrite the sentence to get rid of the word - same thing with 'it' and 'that'. I find my writing usually turns out much stronger as a result. And if you can figure out a way to say something in fewer words, do it! The more information you can pack into each sentence, the better.

That aside, I enjoyed reading the story! I like the characters, and I care what happens to them - always a good thing!