“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

[Caroline]

I'm not sure what to say just yet about this memoir of James Frey addiction filled life. But I know I havent't been able to turn away from the "truth," that lays within the stories of Frey's. If you know anything about James Frey, and this story, then you may be aware that the truth in Frey's stories have been called into question, many believe he made up much of it, but isn't that why we are reading this. Because we are a truth in nonfiction class. So if the truth of the story is being called into question, you may be asking yourselves, what "truth" do I find myself unable to turn from? Well, I can't help but find a truth within addiction. " The bugs crawl onto my skin and they start biting me and I try to kill them...bright lights and flashes and screams...I am lost. I am completely fucking lost." (11) These words of Frey's describe addiction to me, and the truth of pain and losing oneself to be found within it. So what truth(s) have you come across in this story? What does this truth or truths show you about Frey, or maybe even yourself?

[Cassia]

"He's thirty-seven and he is from Seattle. He has a twenty-year-old Daughter whom he hasn't seen in ten years. He spent eight years in jail. His Father started molesting him when he was five." (27)

Stereotypically, drug addicts often had some sort of childhood pain. John, a fellow rehab member, was sexually abused as a child, which strongly influenced him, leading to drug use. He also had a child at the age of 17, which shows that often, drugs are not the only problem addicts deal with. Yet I think there is much more to this description then we see at first glance. The truth is that John has been excluded from his whole family for ten years now, completely alone in the cold world of a rehab center. Frey is showing us the truth behind this world, behind the stereotypes we place on drug addicts. The people inside are not always criminals, bad people, or jerks. They are often lonely, good people who were tempted, and fell too deep. Perhaps he is trying to justify both the members' and his own history, though not through blame.

Frey's language, much like the atmosphere of the center, is short, blunt, unemotional, and cold. Nevertheless, there is meaning behind each short sentence, and we are just starting to see the truth behind such technique.

[Dr. Talbot]

Caroline--great start. You can never go wrong quoting Fitzgerald and especially when it's about drinking.

[Tina]

"I ball my fists and I squeeze and every cell in my body tenses and prepares and it's coming the Fury is coming and I don't know what to do or where to go or how to stop it and it's coming and it's coming and it comes. Explosion...I am deaf, dumb and blind. Unconscious, unaware and uncontrollable" (51).

This part of the book is right after the incident with Roy and the Group Toilets where he essentially loses all self control and destroys the room. Out of what we have read so far in this book, I understand this part very well. Having all of that animosity building up in an unfamiliar environment will push any person's boundaries to the breaking point. Also, since he is recovering from addiction, the frustration of being separated from his substances adds onto the anger that he expresses here. Though being in a blind rage can distort memory, you can't make up this extreme reaction. Frey's description of what he flipped over and then the nurses coming to calm him down articulates the suffocating atmosphere that he is feeling in rehab. Another aspect that I've noticed so far that attributes to his anger is the fact that he refuses to form any type of genuine relationship with anyone, ranging from his roommates to the nurses he isolates himself for no reason. Which is contradictory being that he longs for some sort of companion. The combination of solitude, sobriety and unknown living conditions makes the frustration within Frey blow up to an outstanding display.

[Mallory]

"I prepare for more but I'm not prepared for what hits me. As a sharp pointed instrument pokes around one of the sanded edges of my tooth it finds a smalle hole and it penetrates the hole. The electric pain shoots and it shoots at a trillion volts and it is white and burning. The bayonet is twenty feet long and red hot and razor sharp." (66)

I find much truth in the pain that Frey describes while he is at the dentist. I don't know about anyone else, but through that whole section my stomach just turned and I lost my entire appetite. I was totally entranced in Frey's pain and although I could not physically feel it, mentally the pain hit me hard. The reason why I find truth in Frey's pain is because I don't see why he would write about something as awful and painful as two root canals, filling a cavaity, and caping two teeth (all this without the use of painkillers or anesthesia) unless it actually did happen. Frey quotes, "The pain is greater than anything I've ever felt and it is greater than anything I could have imagined" (66). In no way do I feel Frey fictionalizing his pain through this experience, or exagerating it. I do not see him as someone who trys to make people feel sorry for him through describing his painful experiences. I feel he is just telling his story, and to me this shows his ulitmate strength (the fact that he does get through this).
So far Frey's memoir has left me spellbound and enthralled to read more. Intense stuff!

[James]

I think that there are few cryptic points that need to be highlighted where James begins to realize and understand the implication of his drug abuse. In particular, we begin to see a side of James that is not as concerned with himself as he is with others. On the phone with his brother “He tells me to be brave and I tell him that I’m trying. He tells me that he’s proud of me and I say thanks” (43).
We being to see this more logical James—opposed to the psychological James--as the years of drug and alcohol abuse begin to ware off. Often times the deep pain comes not so much from sustaining physical injuries, but from the resentment that has been placed on James. "I hang up the phone and I stare at the floor and I think about my Mother and my Father in a Hotel Room in Chicago and I wonder why they still love me and why I can’t love them back and how two normal stable people could have created something like me, lived with something like me and tolerated something like me. I stare at the floor and I wonder. How did they tolerate me” (44). This was one of the passages that I felt resonated on a level that was more substantial to me than anything else because it is the first sober and logical James that we have seen.

[Alix]

I think there is a lot of truth about being a recovering addict all through Frey's writing. The biggest truth for me is the uncertainty of going through something that one has never done before. Frey repeatedly states that he can either stay in rehab or go back to addiction, where he may end up in jail or dead. He doesn't want todie or goto jail, but he is scared of what lies ahead for him in rehab. He is "needy and scared and shaky and fragile and anxious and angry and desperate" (59) when he thinks about facing rehab, and isn't sure if he wants to continue with it, but at the same time he knows that going back to using cannot hold a much better future for him.
Frey seems to be a very logical, honest person. He divulges everything to the reader and to those around him, preferring to be honest rather than to say what others want to hear. When asked if he is willing to do whatever it takes to get sober he firmly states that he doesn't know, even though Ken wants to hear the word yes (30). He writes honestly everything that he is going through, an because it is written in the present tense we see everything as it happens. We are going through rehab with Frey, experiencing what he experiences, feeling what he feels, doing what he does. We as the readers are not just observers, but recovering drug addicts ourselves.

[John]

"Leaving means going back to addiction and facing either death or Jail. Staying means leaving addiction and facing something that is unknown to me. I'm not sure which scares me more" (56). I have really enjoyed Frey's writing style so far, very upfront and honest seeming. It is easy for me to follow the story line this way and even easier for me to try to fathom the events that he is being forced through. From the start of the book I have been feeling a strange sympathy for James, as if I want to help him but I wouldn't because of his internal strength. I am not familiar with what has been said in terms of controversial parts of this book, but so far it seems like Frey is truly having a life-altering and incredibly trying experience. "I can see the woman watching me out of the corner of her eye...I know why she does it and I don't blame her as I open my magazine and my heart breaks and I hope that the little Boy doesn't grow up to be anything like me" (36). This part in particular, as well as his interaction with the nurse who minded her distance in the hallway, demonstrated to me a very personal and agonizing experience.

[Dr. Talbot]

I don't want us to forget Caroline's secondary (though no less significant) prompt--"What does this truth or truths show you about yourself?" No personal writing, be it personal essay or memoir, can resonate unless there are universal connections with readers, so I encourage us to not neglect this difficult truth--how we see ourselves in this story.

[[deleted user]]

I like Caroline’s prompt because I was questioning the validity of Frey’s narration during the assigned reading, especially when he talks about blacking out every day and when he says, “Shortly after dinner I climb into bed and for the first time in several years I am conscious of the fact that I’m going to sleep” (31). Frey does not use quotation marks which may mean that he isn’t quoting what people actually say, curtailing the reliability of his conversations. It’s possible and likely that his narration is fragmented, but I do not question the truth because they’re his truths; they’re truths to him so they are truths to me. Frey even says, “ He’s gone, but my memory isn’t and it won’t be for a long time. It has always been a fault of mine. I hold my memory” (25). I believe that Frey is angry with his parents for still loving him when he says, “I wonder why they still love me and why I can’t love them back and how two normal people could have created something like me, lived with something like me and tolerated something like me” (44). Frey uses rhythm and repetition to emphasize his emotions and actions like when he exclaims, “I fade. I fade. I fade” or, “I close my eyes. I close my eyes. I close my eyes” (15, 74). I do not know if there is truth to his dream, but it does emphasize his feelings of entrapment when he explains, “My only option is to try and kill. Kill what hurts. Kill it... Kill my heart, kill my mind, kill myself” (46-47). The almost poetic prose transforms the readers in his shoes so we can imagine the truths to his misfortunes and, thus, believe them.

Frey’s writing reminds me of when I am sick in bed with a fever; I am sweaty, but I feel cold and I cannot move. I have so many thoughts running through my head that disrupt my dreams and I feel trapped in my own mind. When I’m sick, “My body is fighting what it needs to get better. I am fighting what it needs to get better” and I feel a sense of gloom when I cannot help myself (57). I also resonate with Frey when he talks about himself as a child who loves Babar and I definitely find myself looking back on my childhood and discovering the ways in which I have changed and stayed the same. He finds that his childhood friend has come back to help him and he notes that, "Babar is one of the few pleasant memories I have" (61). I find comfort in a lot of my childhood memories.

[Kelsey]

It is difficult for me to read this story after knowing that much of Frey's writing is embellished or false. While reading, I cannot help but judge what I think is true and what I think is exaggerated, embellished, or flat out false. We cannot know what Frey truly experienced, but we do know that he experienced a heavy struggle which we can detect in his genuine words. I sense that the dramatic, generalized outbursts are not as genuine as the gorgeous, detailed images or emotions that are woven into the story. For example, Frey writes, "Night is leaving and I stand at the window and I watch. Orange and pink streaks sail across the blue of the sky.....I can feel blood dripping from the wounds on my face and I can feel my heart beating and I can feel the weight of my life beginning to drop and I realize why dawn is called mourning" (20). This passage seems so genuine and brilliant compared to, "The pain is greater than I could have imagined" (66). However, perhaps this line just goes along with Frey's blunt, straightforward writing style. Finding fresh, genuine passages in the book is like finding a four-leaf clover. Maybe that's a little extreme to say, but I enjoy coming across words that ring true. Furthermore, I find it extremely frustrating that a lot of Frey's words are not true. Although he experienced addiction, it is unfair that he assumes the persona of extreme conditions he did not go through. For three years, I was addicted to self-mutilation. I'm not an overly sensitive person, but I am protective of my struggles and it angers me when people pretend to know all about cutting and the vacuum-like addiction one can experience. After learning that Frey's accounts are not entirely true, I feel for the drug and alcohol addicts or any type of addict that read A Million Little Pieces and felt as though Frey just assumed that he knew all about the battles that they fought, or continue to fight.

[Skdank09]

I was completely gripped by the first section of this book. I almost wish I hadn't been told that parts of it were fictional, so that I could have been more engulfed; however, Frey still completely sucked me in. There is a cyclical nature to the rehab center that almost makes it seem monotonous and uneventful; it dulls the excruciating pain and makes me almost numb to it. But then there are moments that are so vivid and horrific that it drags me back out of the numbness and makes me feel Frey's experience. While reading this I almost feel like I am being dulled by Librium and Diazepam before they ware off and I am acutely aware of the pain Frey is feeling. I can't actually relate to the feelings to a large extent. I've never been a place anywhere near that low in my life.

Despite this, I see truth in Frey's relationship with Hank. Frey is immediately drawn to Hank, "He's an easy talker and as the ride drags on, [Frey begins] to think of him as a friend" (35). Hank understands Frey, therefore, Frey has an instant connection with him. It does not need to be discussed or explained. One finds comfort in the other. This is something I can easily relate to. Sometimes you meet people who you instantly feel at home with and comfortable talking with or even just sitting with. Someone who is not judgmental and genuinely seems compassionate. Frey is constantly being asked to explain himself to doctors and other patients, but he doesn't need to explain anything to Hank

[Brianne]

I feel Frey is most honest when discussing his sense of self-worth. For example when he says “Although it hurts, it feels good. The heat, the water, the soap, the burns. It hurts but I deserve it “ (21) I get the best sense of why Frey is an addict and why he wants to stay one. I feel like there’s so much honesty in the way he describes his apathy towards his own life, and why he feels the need to punish himself for the choices he’s made. I’ve seen drug and alcohol addiction consume a lot of people close to me and just from knowing them and their experiences, I feel like Frey completely hit the nail on the head. Even though I’ve watched people battle addiction, I still feel like I don’t get it. I can understand the driving factors and I can understand why addicts feel the way they do, but I feel like I still never really get them completely. Because of this, normally I would identify more with his mom and other people in his life, but I can’t help identifying with Frey’s story as he tells it. As we’ve talked about with other novels, it’s not about having a unique experience, it’s about saying something unique regarding a regular experience. Let’s face it, Frey’s experience isn’t that unique. But when he says, “I do know that I’m still at the Clinic. I know this because I can hear the screams. The screams of the Addicted without their addictions. The screams of the dead who are somehow still alive” (52) I start to actually feel like an addict as Alix described, and I come closer to understanding the “why.” He has a pain and an aching that everyone can identify with regardless of how different their lives are from his, but it’s the way he deals with it that’s different. Maybe I’ll always be an outsider to this kind of coping, but Frey is starting to make me understand it better. The conclusions he is starting to reach about the entire human condition makes me trust his writing, even if some of it’s fabricated.

[Ali]

Somehow I read this whole section without thinking about the truths of it at all, which is silly being that this is Truth in Nonfiction class. Oops. What I mean is that I didn't let questions over the truths get in the way of my reading; somehow I was sort of able to separate them from the book for the moment? I guess this kind of connects to what Courtney said though, about how this is "his truth" so she didn't question it. I do know some of the background to the controversy surrounding this book, so I guess I am taking the story with a grain of salt. I also however agree with Kelsey, when she wrote about feeling sorry for anyone reading the book under the assumption that Frey could actually relate to what they were experiencing, and angry that Frey would put on this pretense.

I think perhaps the truths in this book lie in the fact that Frey is good with his words and good at describing certain powerful emotions. Maybe most of us have not hit such a rock bottom low as Frey is writing about, but at any of our lowest points we have probably experienced thoughts and feelings similar to James's such as when he writes about the feeling of letting down his parents (to understate it a lot) on page 44.

So I guess what I'm saying here is that I think the truths in Frey's work lie in the way he conveys human feelings, emotions and conditions. I can't necessarily relate to the specific scenario but I can feel the truth in many of the emotions and thoughts he has. What I don't necessarily agree with is that he fabricated the situation in which he portrays these truths.

[Maggie]

"She moves a little closer to the Child and she puts her arm around him and she leans over and kisses his forehead. I know why she does it and I don't blame her and as I open my magazine my heart breaks and I hope that the little Boy doesn't grow up and be anything like me" (36).

True or not, I think that this tiny moment reflects a universal feeling that we can all relate to. Maybe we haven't seen a mother doing this because of something we have done or the way that we look (like James's horrible condition), but I think we have all seen this sort of innocent closeness between a mother and child that reminds us of what we started out as, as well as everything that led us to be the way that we are. I know that I felt my heart break a little bit reading about how a small moment like this could break Frey's heart because I know exactly where he's coming from. Sometimes I see a mother and young daughter interacting in front of me and it's almost like that poem we read by Sharon Olds, where she wants to go back and tell her parents to "Stop, don't do it..." Sometimes I get so sad thinking about how my own relationship with my mother has spiraled downwards over the years and how I just want to warn all the other little girls in the world to Stop, Don't Do It when they live in such innocence of the emotionally scarring things that a mother and daughter could potentially do to each other and the sadness that I carry from my own experiences.

Maybe that was a bit of an extreme or unfair comparison (drug addiction vs. not getting along with a parent). But this was a quote that I had to stop and read a few times because it reminded me of the truths in my own life. I think that the little moments like this make the truth of Frey's experiences slightly irrelevant -- whether he did certain things in rehab or not, he touches enough on these universal moments of human nature to create a new dimension of truth.

[Amy]

For me, the most alarming instance of "truth" was the User Dream he experienced on pages 46-47. It seems that he can't escape the truth; the reality of his existence and the trail of outstanding charges and evaded bails is waiting just outside the doors of the Treatment Center, but now they've entered his mind. When Joanna says, "That craving is sometimes manifested in dreams that seem startlingly real and, in a sense, are real," (53) I was immediately struck by the seeming hopelessness of Frey's situation. What must it be like to have no escape at all, not even within your own head? And what did Joanna mean by "in a sense, [they] are real"?

Her statement is even more haunting considering that Frey's book has been called into question for its "truth". The scenes in the Dentist's office ("Bayonet. Bayonet. Bayonet" (73)) are horrifyingly brutal, but again I am forced to look at the muddy area between the "real" truth and the "perceived" truth. It's like Dumbledore said to Harry at the end of book 7, "Of course this has been happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?" Personally, I believe Frey's book is the height of truth-telling, because he understands that truth does not always have to be experienced by other people in order to be validated.

[Meghan]

“This is not the life I want or who I want to be but I don’t know anything else. I have tried to change before and I have failed. I have tried to change again and again and again and I have failed over and over and over. If there was something to make me think this time was different, I would try, but there isn’t. If there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I would run to it. I am worse than I have ever been before.” (87)

Regardless of what portion of this story is the “truth”, I feel that in this part of Frey’s account we see threads of his fears, insecurities, and struggles with himself. For the reading of this section, I had managed to ignore the fact that a majority of this story may indeed be outside of Frey’s real life experiences. When I finished reading, I went back through what I had read, but in the light of possible false hood. I was able to see the possible truths that Frey still wanted us to see in his true self. Frey must have been completely lost in a world that now felt so unfamiliar now that he is in rehab. What struck me the most as I was introduced to the book was how Frey is describing a life in which what is a “normal” life, is being under the influence, yet while being without the substances that these characters are so dependent upon, is uncharted territory. This is well portrayed in the first sentence of the quote from above, “This is not the life I want or who I want to be but I don’t know anything else.” The most terrifying truths that Frey is facing, is a lack of understanding of who he is and where his life is headed, as well as where it has come from. This is all so unfamiliar to me, in a sense that completely captivates me, as I try to understand the bare essence of what kind of a life Frey is dealing with and attempting to describe.