Struggling Writers discussion
Your Writing (J-R)
>
Matthew's "Writing"
date
newest »
newest »
Ooh, personification of the seven deadly sins. I like it! I'd say you don't focus quite enough on the guy's thoughts/feelings/actions/facial expressions/etc, and maybe Grief should be more sad than amused and Sloth should seem to take his sweet time or something. But otherwise it's awesome!
This is(might be) the prologue. That's why it is so vague.Then on the seven deadly sins, and "human emotion" personification. They are going to be altered slightly, and they are going to be more...chaotic
Here is part of something I wrote:
(view spoiler)[
May 2, 1953. The streets of Chicago.
The man hurried down the street. The man wore a simple business suit, nothing special, in his grasp he carried a sleek black suitcase. He had a nervous look in his eyes as he glanced behind himself every few steps. He could just feel it, like ice cold needles on the back of his neck. He was being followed. He halted to a stop as he rounded the corner, something was off about this street, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Never mind that now, he scolded himself and continued walking The man took in deep breaths trying to relaxing a bit. I'm just imagining things, getting paranoid, he told himself, and he almost believed it...almost. Unfortunately, it was at threat moment that the realization hit him. The street was empty, not a human in sight, quiet as a graveyard.
He bolted into an alley way knowing he needed to get out of here as he realized something was definitely wrong with this place. His mind searched for a rational answer but found none. He averted his eyes toward the end of alley way only to find the cold surface of a dead end.. He cursed himself and quickly whirled himself around so he could get out of there as fast as he could. As he rushed towards the entrance two dark figures appeared in the opening. He couldn't make out there faces, or any distinguishing details, but all he could see was their silhouettes in the light. He stopped, holding his breath as the two men, for they were men, stood there.
“Excuse me sir. C-can I help you?” he quavered. There was no reply...but for some reason he had the feeling that they were smirking at him.
“This guy's a funny one, Sloth. Are you sure we have to kill him?” the man one the right asked, putting a tiny bit more emphasis on the phrase 'have to'. The mans voice sounding annoyed, as if everything in the world was just another problem for him to deal with.
“Orders are orders Grief. You know how Pride can be when someone messes up...” Sloth retorted, though his tone that of boredom and a complete lack of interest. Surely I am hearing them wrong , did they just say “kill”? The man rationalized to himself in an attempt to calm down and seeing by the fact that his hands were still shaking, and not from the cold, it wasn't working for him.
“Don't remind me” Grief, if that was his name, groaned,“I just meant, I don't see why we were ordered to kill him of all people” The man taking in rapid breaths now, what could he do, they just kept on talking as if he wasn't there. The way they talked, you would think it was just a conversation about buying some shoes...not killing someone. Who are these people?, the man once again asked himself.
“Stop being such a pain. Like it matters to me whether he lives or dies, its all the same. What does matter to me is not being yelled at by Pride again, or even worse...Lust” Sloth sighed.
“W-what do you want from me?” the man finally spoke, trying his best to sound calm, but he failed. The telltale signs of fear filled his voice, and the look in his eyes was that of a frightened rabbit.
“What do we want he asks?” Grief spoke, though he kept its pessimistic tone, the man thought it had a tinge of...was it amusement?
“An odd question, what do I want?” Sloth seemed to ponder on that for a second. Then his eyes switched onto the man and he grinned,”I don't want anything, I don't need anything, and I don't care about anything. Frankly, the fact of you living or dying matters to me as much as a single grain of sand matters to a beach.”
“Then...then why?” the man asked, horrified by this man who seemed to carry no emotions.
“Who, what, when, where, why” Grief chanted in a dark tone,”how about...hm...it doesn't matter. It's not like you are going to live long anyways, because there are about a dozen ways you could die right now. Guess what, half of them are of 'natural' causes. If we don't kill you now, you are likely to die before tomorrow morning anyways.”
“Who are you people? You-you monstrous abominations. ” he said ignorantly, his voice now replacing fear with complete disgust.
“You are close, but we are not a whom...but a what.” Sloth said, smiling gleefully...a look that did not suit him well.
(hide spoiler)]
Please Comment ^^
How good is it? (1-10)
What do you like about it?
What brings you in?
What don't you like?
What needs improvement?