My Review of Breaking Dawn

[Ben]

Wow, it's been awhile since I posted here. I bet you all thought I left. Well, I feel it's necessary to return to this wonderful board because, like all of you, I hate Twilight.

I finally finished Breaking Dawn. It took me over, how long has it been, about two years? About that. It took that long because in the middle of the book I actually LOST ALL INTEREST and stopped reading. Therefore, when the new movie came out, I knew it was time to bite the bullet, force myself to start over, and read it all the way through to the end so that I could come on here and rant about it.

Here's where it starts: Bella is getting married to Edward, so of course it has to be a big production. Granted, J.K. Rowling also included a complex wedding sequence in HER last book, but the difference is, Rowling's wedding scene was actually entertaining. Meyer drones on for SEVERAL pages, going on about Bella getting her hair done and putting her dress on. I'm not a girl, so none of this appealed to me. Somehow, though, I think a lot of girls (those with any sense in their head, anyway) would also find this rather dull. She spends way too much time describing Bella descending the stairs, then comes the wedding, where Bella fawns over how perfect Edward is and how lucky she is and all of that. Blah, blah, blah.

After the wedding comes an even more ridiculous reception, where Bella is shocked by her own reflection. I know, it's awful right? If I were a whiny little twat with no grace and no dignity (not to mention no self control) I'd want to think twice about looking in a mirror too. Then Jacob shows up, calls her stupid for wanting to have sex with a vampire, and roughs her up. Way to go, Jacob! Finally someone is talking some sense. I mean, Edward is cold-skinned and has no heartbeat, so I imagine having sex with him would be a lot like having sex with a frozen tenderloin. That's just me, though.

After Jacob runs off to wallow in his own misery, Edward and Bella run off to Rio for their big night. After the first night, Edward goes on this big whiny trip and acts like such a douche that even BELLA gets mad at him. He won't have sex with her anymore, because he left a bruise on her or something, so she has to resort to dressing in skimpy outfits, begging for sex, and acting like a real slut.

Then Bella gets pregnant. Somebody tell me how this happens. Please explain it to me, because I don't know how someone with no heartbeat even gets an ERECTION (basic sex ed tells us there has to be blood flowing to the phallic organ for it to become engorged, thus an erection for someone with no heartbeat would be impossible). As usual, Meyer offers no rational explanation for anything. They just had sex and Bella became pregnant by some guy who hasn't had functioning sex organs for over ninety years. I mean, how is still producing baby batter, really? Anyway...

Bella gets pregnant and Rosalie, the hateful little blonde hag who's hated her through the whole series (which was one of the reasons why I kind of liked her), suddenly becomes her best friend. Through a long, extremely drawn out part of the story where Bella carries her baby through in record time by not moving and by drinking human blood through a straw, she gives birth to a baby girl which she promptly names Renesmee. Then she dies. Hurray! Bella's dead! Oh, wait, she's coming back to life, dammit! Stay dead! Stay dead!

Bella gets what she's always wanted: to become a bloodsucking vampire like the love of her life. We have to sit through her exploits, which include her attacking a mountain lion and almost attacking Edward (an act which would have been very cool, had she gone through with it). She flounces around for several chapters enjoying her new powers, jumping over rivers and having races with Edward. While some people might find this to be entertaining, I find it unbelievably boring.

It is revealed at this point in the story that Jacob has imprinted on Renesmee. That means that a big strapping boy like him has fallen in love with an infant, which is pedophilia. I mean, seriously. I actually can't blame Bella for trying to rip his throat out. That is absolutely gross. Why couldn't he imprint on someone his own age? Twi-tards will try to justify this by saying "Oh, but Renesmee will grow up so much faster than a normal child". And this makes it okay HOW? I mean, whatever respect I still had for Jacob went right out the window when he did that. Try and find a girl your own age, you sick child predator fuck.

After I endured this for a chapter or two, something new happened. Apparently, some jealous bitch with a hair up her ass about some dude who died in a previous book goes and tells the Volturi about the baby. The Cullens go straight to work trying to mount a defense. They recruit a bunch of new vampires, and Alice takes off and ditches them, which I thought was actually kind of funny. Hordes of vampires start showing up, and Renesmee communicates with them by touching their faces and sending them her thoughts. What a convenient plot device! Instead of actually finding ways to explain things in the story, Meyer takes a shortcut and just has the baby do it. Someone needs convincing? Let the baby touch their face. Nevermind that this is obviously a plot device inserted for Meyer's own convenience.

During all of this, it's apparent that Bella has no faith in her new family to protect her or her baby. She goes to a shady lawyer and has new documents drawn up for Renesmee and Jacob under the last name "Wolfe". Yeah, real original. And what a wonderful idea, Bella. If anything goes wrong and everyone dies, just send your baby off with the pedophile. She'll be all right. What a fucking idiot.

When the Volturi finally show up, there's a LONG drawn out scene where they try and find some reason to execute the Cullens. What a dream come true! I've been waiting for someone to execute them for four books. In the middle of this, Alice conveniently comes running back in and saves the day, in the most predictable move Meyer has ever made. I mean, as soon as Alice left, I said to myself "She's gonna show up at the last minute and save the day". And whadda ya know? You suck, Meyer.

The book ends on an uneventful note. Bella and Edward have sex. That's pretty much it. They have sex. No big finale, no grand sendoff. What I was hoping for was an ending with them 200 years in the future, in a world where everyone Bella ever knew was dead (and I'm saying this in all seriousness). Now THAT would have been a cool ending. Alas, Meyer finished her saga the way she began it: half-assed.

I gotta say before I finish up here that I got so sick of people growling and hissing and rolling their eyes. I don't even have my characters in MY stories roll their eyes anymore. Meyer ruined that for me. Whenever I think about using that, I stop and go "No, I can do better than that." It seemed like every other paragraph or so, someone was rolling their eyes, and how many times do the vampires have to hiss? God, they're like a bunch of really pissed off alley cats.

In conclusion, I've only got one thing to say to the Twi-tards: if you really want to know what it feels like to have sex with a vampire, look back at the beginnings of this rant and you'll have the perfect solution. Just take your mom's frozen tenderloin out of the freezer (you might wanna leave the packaging on it, though, because other people have to eat that thing), insert TAB A into SLOT B and voila! You've got the perfect Edward-is-fucking-me fantasy.

I'm out of here, folks.

Fins up!

-Ben