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message 1: by Roxey15 (new)

Roxey15 | 14 comments Story I started recently and would love some opinions on it...

message 2: by Roxey15 (new)

Roxey15 | 14 comments Oh, and there is cussing and there will be killing as well. :)

message 3: by Roxey15 (new)

Roxey15 | 14 comments Prologue
The fog swirled around his feet, forming ripples with every step he took. His breath came out faster and faster, his heart pumping. No, he wasn’t running; he was hunting. His prey was sauntering about twenty feet ahead, humming along to her iPod. Her left hand danced in the air in time with the beat; her neon blue nails shimmered in the dim light. Her right hand was holding a coffee cup, and every couple steps she would take a careful sip. Her wavy blond hair fell down her back, fluttering with every step, causing him to drool. With every second, he felt himself getting more and more excited. The sky was pitch black, the dark clouds hid all of the stars from sight. It would have been hard to see her if it wasn’t for the small lights on the sidewalk. One of the lights near him started to flicker like a strobe light, making her a shadow before becoming real again. It seemed like that one light was taunting him, hiding his prey from him before bringing her back, which only added to his hunger. He could already feel her writhing under him. He could already imagine his clammy hand over her mouth to hold back her wild screams and his frantic fingers ripping at her maroon blouse and then pushing that tiny black skirt up. He could already taste her, imagine himself in her. He could already feel her dark, silky blood dripping from his fingers. The best part he always saved for last, watching the light drain from their terrified eyes. What made this hunt really exciting was not that she was drop-dead gorgeous, but that she was the first girl he had seen with such beautiful purple eyes.
He had spotted her about ten minutes ago when she was standing in a small Irish Café ordering a coffee. The blue walls around him vanished until all he saw was her. Then she turned around, and his breath caught in his throat. The mouthful of hot chocolate he had dribbled down his chin and dripped onto his lap yet he didn’t even feel the burn through his jeans. The kids screaming in the booth next to him became deathly quite. The sweet smell of coca and vanilla vanished. It was just him and her. Her eyes mesmerized him the way her purple eyes seemed to become really dark yet as soon as she turned her head, it seemed to become a light purple. So he had followed her out into the dark, quiet street. Everyone else was already heading to bed so there were only a couple people on the street. So he kept on following her, loving the way her hips swayed with every step.
She turned into an alley ahead of him and he almost missed it because he was so caught up in his fantasy but her heels clicking on the uneven sidewalk brought him back. Making sure there was no one around them, he dug his hand into his pocket and lovingly rubbed his knife. Finally, it was show time. Grinning to himself, he sped up, almost into a run. He spun around the corner, his hand already pulling out the knife in his pocket. His whole body tensed, ready to jump. She was gone. Frowning, he looked back and forth; there was nowhere for her to hide, so where could she have gone?
“Looking for me?” a soft voice from behind him said. He whirled around, snapping his knife open. There she stood, tall, blond and beautiful.
“You bitch. How the hell did you get behind me?” he growled. She just smiled.
“That’s a secret,” she said, putting her finger to her full, red lips.
“How did you know I was following you?” he asked, actually curious. This was the first girl that had known he was following her. She was also the first girl to try and stand up to him. But he was still confident that he was in control. After all he had his knife, and she had nothing dangerous, she only had a coffee cup.
“You walk too loud. You were panting and your heart was pounding. Not to mention you smell pretty bad. Overall you were giving me a headache.” She grinned, her purple eyes shining with a secret. Suddenly he didn’t feel so confident anymore. The brick walls seemed to be suffocating him. The dark clouds overhead shot down a bolt of lightning in the distance illuminating her face. Her ruby lips were curled back into an evil grin.
“You’re lying. There is no way you could have heard me walking, let alone hear my heartbeat.” She just kept smiling at him. He sensed her moving and glanced down to see her hand slowly lifting until she was pointing at him. He looked up and became captivated by her eyes. It was just like before except he purple seemed to be swirling around, a mixture of light and dark.
“You, Michael Allen, are a murderer. You have raped and killed four innocent young women. Not to mention you rape your little girls every night.” Her face twisted into a scowl, her eyes going dark. “You are a horrible person and have sinned beyond redemption. You do not deserve to live. Any last words?” Finally the thunder reached them and he jumped when that crack echoed throughout the alley.
“Who are you?” he asked, his voice quivering with pure terror.

message 4: by Roxey15 (new)

Roxey15 | 14 comments And it would be appreciated if someone could tell me how to have that chapter select thing with the links. I am new at this and don't know how to do it.

message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

I like it. You're a great writer. :)

message 6: by Moumita (new)

Moumita Sarcar | 2 comments hiiiii...ur writing is good..keep it up... :)

message 7: by Roxey15 (new)

Roxey15 | 14 comments Thanks XD any suggestions on how to make it better? It still seems to be missing something...

message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

Hmm... I agree that something's missing, but I just don't know what it is...

message 9: by Roxey15 (new)

Roxey15 | 14 comments Phew :) Glad that I'm not the only one to think that.

message 10: by Kiana (last edited Feb 21, 2012 03:42PM) (new)

Kiana (kcleveland26) THAT WAS AMAZING!!! You really know how to captivate an audience. Your story was pure genious :) good job

What you do is when the text in green the stuff you can click on just right click on it and say copy shortcut then paste it and *shabang* its done

message 11: by Hope (new)

Hope Ooh! A little short, but that was very good. Entrancing.

Got any more?

message 12: by Roxey15 (new)

Roxey15 | 14 comments Yeah, I am still working on it, should be able to post some more soon.

message 13: by Roxey15 (new)

Roxey15 | 14 comments K, i have written more.... hope you guys like it.

message 14: by Roxey15 (new)

Roxey15 | 14 comments Chapter 1
“Come on, Hana! You need to hurry up or we will be late!”
Hana groaned from under the warmth of her blankets. “Coming,” she mumbled.
“Hana! It’s already seven o’clock!”
“I said I was coming!” Hana yelled, forcing her eyes open and staring at her white ceiling. Rolling her head, she looked at the little, black puppy curled up against her and leaned over to kiss the top of her soft, fuzzy head before nuzzling her. She gave a deep sigh and slowly slid her arm out from under Roxey’s head. Glancing wistfully at her pillows, she forced herself to untangle her legs from the pile of colorful blankets. Finally managing to get free from her little nest, she stumbled out of bed, turned, and ran right into her beautiful, white, hard door.
“Oww,” Hana moaned, rubbing her forehead, “Who closed the damn door?” Yanking the door open, she wobbled out into the hallway, her feet sinking into the plush, black carpet.
“Did you just get out of bed?” Arisu said from behind, placing her head on Hana’s shoulder. “You know we are going to be late again because of you. You don’t have to go out every night you know.”
“Yeah, I know. It took longer than I had thought. Sorry.” Hana shrugged her shoulder, removing Arisu, and walked into the bathroom.
“So? What happ…” Hana slammed the door in Arisu’s face. Arisu frowned and banged her fist on the door. “I was talking, you know!” She shouted through the door, only to hear water running as a response. Shaking her head, Arisu turned and walked back downstairs to finish her breakfast.
Hana stood under the hot running water and moaned, feeling her spirit return to her body. Humming a lullaby she remembered from her youth, Hana raised her face into the water, enjoying the water drops bounce off her face. Making sure her hair was thoroughly wet, Hana reached for her shampoo and squeezed some into her hand. Her nose twitched at the sharp smell of coconut as she massaged it into her hair. She rinsed it out and reached for the conditioner.
“Good morning, Hana.” Hana turned towards the voice on the other side of the shower curtain.
“Mornin’, Riko.” Hana said, rubbing in the conditioner. “What have I said about knocking before you enter? I could have been getting out of the shower.”
“You know that I would have been able to tell. Besides, even if you were getting out, you should know by now that I have already seen you naked many times. How is one more time going to hurt me? My eyes are already scarred,” Riko said laughing.
Hana sighed and started rinsing out the conditioner. That’s right, she kept forgetting about Riko’s special ability. After all, it had just appeared a couple weeks ago, but how could anyone remember anything during this ungodly hour. How could anyone function at seven o’clock in the damn morning? Hana knew that it was during the night that she actually came alive. It was during the night that she blossomed and thrived. That’s why morning was always like Hell.
“Come on, Hana! Riko, you too! We are going to be late because you two can’t get up in the morning!” Arisu yelled from downstairs. Riko sighed and shook her head.
“Does she not realize that she is too loud in the morning?” Hana asked as she pushed her hand past the curtain, reaching for her towel.
“Of course she doesn’t. She is the only one of us who actually likes the morning.” Riko smiled to herself, watching Hana’s hand fumble around, trying to find the towel. Riko laughed as she picked the towel up off the floor and flung open the curtains to throw the soft, purple towel on Hana.
“Riko?! What are you doing?” Hana felt herself blush as she hugged the towel in front of her, attempting to hide her body from her older sister.
“Oh, shush, Hana. It would have taken you at least another ten minutes to find the towel that you had knocked on the floor when you were getting into the shower.”
“Get out!” Hana yelled. She hated letting people see her naked because that would mean that they would see her mark.
It had appeared on the day she discovered what her special ability was. She felt a burning sensation on her side, and when she whipped her shirt off, it was there. A beautiful milky, white crescent moon and a jet black rose with ruby red thorns. The emerald stem was wrapped around the moon, digging in its thorns. To other people, it would just seem like a beautiful tattoo, but to those like her, they would understand it. They would immediately know what she was and what her ability is. They would fear her and try to kill her.
Riko smiled sadly at Hana. “Sweetie, I already know what you can do. It’s okay; you don’t have to hide it.” Hana just jumped out of the tub and ran, sliding on her wet feet, right past Riko to her room, slamming the door behind her. Hana leaned on her door, her knees shaking. Slowly, Hana slid down the door till she was sitting on her soft purple rug. Curling her legs tight against her, she sat there and cried. She hated having this power, yet at the same time she loved having it. It’s just like what Peter Parker’s grandpa said to him, “With great power must come great responsibility.” Parker had the powers of a spider; he could climb walls, had super strength and in some stories he could shoot a sticky web out of his wrists, but the best part was that he could do good or evil depending on his mood. And, just like Parker, her power was not just a gift, it was also a curse. A rose with thorns.
Slowly, Hana rose from the floor and shuffled to her dresser. Pulling on the clothes she would need for the day, she let herself go on autopilot so she could sink into herself and go numb. She reached out and yanked back the covers on her bed, Hana allowed herself a small smile at the sight of her little puppy curled up in a ball; trying to soak up all the warmth left in her bed. Picking Roxey up, she walked downstairs, past her sisters, and out the back door.
Shivering in the cold morning air, she set Roxey on the dew soaked grass to run around. Even though it was only October, it was already getting really cold in the mornings. Inhaling, Hana could smell the mustiness of the leaves, the sweetness of the grass, the hint of rain in the air. But any normal person could smell that. Hana was different, she could also smell the fresh baked apple pie her neighbor, who just so happened to be five houses down, had made earlier that morning. She could smell the cinnamon of someone’s breakfast and the hint of perfume she knew that younger girl down the street used. Then she wrinkled her nose when she got a whiff of a foul smell. Angling her head to pinpoint the smell, Hana focused on the white house on the other side of the street. Sighing, she turned around and walked back into the house.
“Miss Hath is dead,” Hana said as she walked to her chair.

message 15: by Roxey15 (new)

Roxey15 | 14 comments Can someone read and tell me what needs to be fixed?

message 16: by Jeff (last edited Mar 07, 2012 09:52AM) (new)

Jeff Barber | 9 comments Great job, I like the story so far, I'll be watching for more.
In the prologue I noticed a couple spelling errors.

The kids screaming in the booth next to him became deathly quite. The sweet smell of coca and vanilla vanished.
Quite should be quiet, and I think you meant cocoa.

For chapter one I didn't see anything that needed fixing, it was really good. Keep up the good work.

message 17: by Roxey15 (new)

Roxey15 | 14 comments thanks

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