Can we all use signatures with our blog links in them?

[Patricia]

Where I live, we use them for bowling balls.

[Claudine]

Damn. Here I thought using them as marbles was fun.

[Andre Jute]

Especially if the eyeballs have been baked just right, so that they squish the second they touch the tongue, then wherever they roll they leave a sticky mess.

People who use eyeballs like bread pellets are NOT invited again.

[Patricia]

Andre, about that invitation to come to your place for dinner: I'm busy, can't make it.

[Katie]

Patricia! Where's your sense of adventure?

[Patricia]

Listen, it was bad enough when he served them poached over toast, but this new recipe is too, too much.

[Brian]

Thinly sliced with a razor-sharp knife, then delicately sautéed in butter next to a crushed clove of garlic. Served with dollop of mayonnaise, a pinch of pepper and olives. Voila!

[Claudine]

Fish eyes make great soup.

[Tahlia]

J.A. wrote: "I just have all my links in my profile wherever I am (including Goodreads), so I figure if people are interested they can click on my profile.

Plus, I'm lazy."

Yeah and I'm too lazy to click on your profile - but you might force me to!

[J.A.]

Well, my only website is a blog riftwatcher.blogspot.com.

[J.A.]

I also tend to post 2-3 times a week in ROBUST with some topic that directly links to my blog. So, in my case, even if you aren't actively following my blog, it'll come up on a fairly regular basis. :)

[Tahlia]

J.A. wrote: "Googling me gets, well me. Well me as positioned by my official writer blog, accounts, et cetera.

The #1 hit is my blog. :) SEO for the win!

I actually have all slots but one* on the first page o..."

It's nice to know that if anyone does google me they'll find me, but does anyone know I exist enough to actually do it???

[Daniel]

Brian wrote: "These are indeed some of the best colorful crimes I've heard of for quite some time. And I am loling! I hereby suggest an anthology of colorful crimes, the only two criteria that they, the crimes, ..."

I'm in. How do you want it? Here? (Oh God, what am I getting myself into?)

[Daniel]

Ok, my first confession. Please don't call the FBI.

My friend, her name was Cindy, was blabbing about everything and anything while I was doing my errands around town. She rode along with me, I think, just to have somebody to blab about something.

She knows I'm a Second Amendment practicing American. In my car, between the seats, is my holstered 9mm.

This was many years ago, on a bright Tuesday morning, around 10am when I get this idea to see what Cindy would do.

I pull up to the Suntrust Drive through teller. It's a nice bank, my account there was always in good standing. So Cindy is gabbing away, thinking this is just another ordinary service stop.

I roll down the window, pull my 9mm and shout at the top of my lungs towards the teller's glass, "This is a stick up! Hand over the cash or I'll pump you full of holes!"

Then I look over to see how Cindy is handling it. Her face was completely distorted. It was like invisible fingers were pushing her facial muscles in several different directions at once. Horror. Shock. Fear. The image of herself going to prison flashing before her eyes. All in the same 2 seconds.

I laughed at her and put my gun back where it belonged and pulled away. Then I reminded her that is was Memorial Day and the bank was closed. Nobody was standing there in the teller's window.

While this wasn't an actual crime as nobody was robbed, I had to stop the car, as Cindy was so relieved, all she could do after that was puke.

When I want to be, I can be a very very bad boy. Reminding my friends every so often is the highlight of my meager existence. ^_^

[Andre Jute]

That's cruel, Daniel. She probably never recover from having her even existence so thoughtlessly disturbed. No wonder you had to move far away to find a mate, and first write a sex manual to recover your good name.

[Patricia]

I would have grabbed the gun and shot you, Daniel -- for the FBI's reward.

[Daniel]

Andre Jute wrote: "That's cruel, Daniel. She probably never recover from having her even existence so thoughtlessly disturbed. No wonder you had to move far away to find a mate, and first write a sex manual to recove..."

LOL naw, that's not cruel, my friend. To me, cruel is knowing where the hole is in the baseboard in a bedroom. That if you stick your arm through it, it comes out right under the toilet tank in the bathroom on the other side of the wall. And that when you have a cousin named 'Honey' sit down to do her business, the following scream from having her ankle grabbed where no hand could ever possibly exist is the true sound of cruelty.

But I wouldn't do anything like that. *Blinks innocently.* Really. I wouldn't. Hehehehehehe.

(I was 15 at the time. I wouldn't do anything like that as an adult.)

[Daniel]

Patricia wrote: "I would have grabbed the gun and shot you, Daniel -- for the FBI's reward."

That would have been Karma. I taught Cindy how to shoot. Her marksmanship was remarkable. ^_^

[Andre Jute]

Do you realize how weird you Americans are? Sentences like "I taught Cindy how to shoot" stop Europeans dead in their tracks.

[Tahlia]

Do the Americans here know what 'dob him in' means? What about 'full of it'?

[K.A.]

Kench - you are a character.

[Daniel]

Andre Jute wrote: "Do you realize how weird you Americans are? Sentences like "I taught Cindy how to shoot" stop Europeans dead in their tracks."

I guess this is where we blame the ocean and decades upon decades of language evolution on two different land masses.

In America, if a high school student is tasked with clearing off the blackboard, said student asks the teacher where the rubber is, well, that student is in deep trouble. We call it the eraser. A rubber in America is also commonly known as a condom.

If I go into a restaurant and ask the waiter if he has any Spotted Dick, I'll get asked to leave for sexual harassment. In America, it's not known as a food. In fact, that dish isn't hardly known in America at all and the imagery conjured in the minds of all over here with those two words is highly obscene.

I know some common differences, but I do profess not knowing why that sentence would sound weird to you guys over there. "I taught Cindy how to shoot." Past tense for imparting an education where none existed before in firearms to a woman named Cindy.

Pray tell, what track stopping meaning does it impart over there?

:)

[Andre Jute]

We don't teach people to shoot. People don't carry firearms so have no need to learn to use them.

[Claudine]

Here it means you gave her a gun and (hopefully) taught her how to shoot straight. Where I live now, it is a common thing to see people armed with more than one gun. A couple of months ago, just before Christmas, the kids and I went to a local steakhouse (www.spur.co.za for anyone interested, they'r a family friendly chain that has been around forever). Anyway, a man walked in with a dagger strapped to his waist as well as a gun in a holster under his arm and attached to his waist. I got up and left. After being hijacked at gunpoint, the kids just are not comfortable around armed people.

Where I grew up, guns in shopping malls were not common at all.

[Daniel]

Ah, I understand a bit better now. :)

The USA used to be like Switzerland about 50 years ago, but without the mandatory military service at the end of high school. Even longer ago when pretty much everyone was carrying (my grandfather's day on my dad's side) to hear of a crime was sensational news because it rarely ever happened. Most of the so-called wild west shootouts on TV are either a retelling of one of the rare events that made history, or is total fiction for entertainment.

Time for a minor education here. This is a link directly to the PDF. It's a piece of educational material that spans a few dozen pages on this topic, yanked out of a research based textbook.

http://www.law.harvard.edu/students/o...

Now, you can read it from start to finish. BUT, if you don't have time, then go check out the chart on page 664 and see the crime rates for the countries where firearms are banned, and where they're not. (Don't worry, this PDF only covers pages 650 to 685 of this particular Harvard textbook.)

This is why I would feel safe in a crowd of armed Americans and terrified to be in a crowd of unarmed Russians.

Fair warning though if you read the whole thing. The next Progressive Democrat to spew lies about the crime rates and firearm ownership after you learn the truth, you're gonna start getting angry at the deceit.

[Patricia]

Tell that to the dead people in my community.

[Andre Jute]

What's this about getting hijacked at gunpoint, Claudine? That sounds, to put it mildly, unpleasant, dangerous, and not high on the list of Fun Things To Do in Pretoria.

[Tahlia]

Guns in shopping malls on ordinary people is freaky

[Claudine]

Andre Jute wrote: "What's this about getting hijacked at gunpoint, Claudine? That sounds, to put it mildly, unpleasant, dangerous, and not high on the list of Fun Things To Do in Pretoria."

Two years ago the kids and I were hijacked outside our house. 4 armed young black men stopped next to my car as I got out of it to open the gate. They weren't overly rough, just pulled the kids out of the car and told me not to say anything or do anything. Then two rode off in my car. The coldest sound I've ever heard was the one pulling the slide on his handgun as he ran up to me to take my mobile and house keys. Apart from grabbing a shopping bag out of my daughter's hand they never touched us in any way. The cops found the car in a parking lot in Tembisa about 2 hours later. Apart from the clothes I'd just bought for the kids, my handbag with cash, credit cards and ID documents, my Garmin and the lunchbags the kids had taken to school being missing, nothing else was taken. As hijackings go, we were extremely lucky we were not harmed. The only lasting issue is that sometimes my daughter panics whenever more than 2 or 3 black men are near her. She tries to hide behind me or grabs hold of me for instance in the local mall. My son is remarkably almost untouched. I on the other hand tend to panic in traffic a bit if there is more than one black man in a car next to or behind me.

[K.A.]

Andre Jute wrote: "What's this about getting hijacked at gunpoint, Claudine? That sounds, to put it mildly, unpleasant, dangerous, and not high on the list of Fun Things To Do in Pretoria."

To put it mildly.

[Andre Jute]

Definitely not high on the list of Fun Things To Do in Pretoria Before You Die.

Just as well you weren't armed, Claudine, or you might have been tempted to resist, and thereby escalated the danger. Considering what I've heard about how cheap life is now in South Africa, it sounds like you and your children had a lucky escape.

You can't see me sighing in relief...

[Margaret]

Claudine wrote: "Andre Jute wrote: "What's this about getting hijacked at gunpoint, Claudine? That sounds, to put it mildly, unpleasant, dangerous, and not high on the list of Fun Things To Do in Pretoria."

Two ye..."

I just can't even imagine Claudine. I would feel as you and your daughter do. Sighing in relief right along with Andre...

[Claudine]

Andre, yes I think if I had put up resistance we would have been hurt. I just remember holding my hands up in the air and asking them to leave my kids on the grass verge. My biggest fear was for them not me. I didn't even look at them as I'd watched a crime prevention programme some time before it happened where victims who survived hijackings unhurt all said the same thing - don't resist and don't look them in the eye. The police officers who responded all said I did the right thing by appearing non threatening.

[Andre Jute]

I'm not surprised to hear all this. The psychology of a hijacking right out in public is that they are more nervous than you are. In fact, psychiatrists and profilers use the words "irritable" for criminals in this state. The smallest thing causes a complete overreaction, like killing someone for glancing at them.

We don't want to make you relive such a fraught experience, so we'll understand if you don't respond on this subject

[Claudine]

Oh I don't mind talking about it. It happened. Life goes on. You are right in what you say. Nervous criminals use extreme violence to keep their victims subdued.