Weekly Short Stories Contest and Company! discussion
Weekly Short Story Contests
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Week 109- (Jan 21st-28th) Stories--- Topic: Seduction DONE!
Al, I enjoyed your story - the version I read anyway - very much! As M said, cheesy isn't necessarily bad! I laughed out loud, and that is a good thing. (Hmmmm. Unless you hadn't planned it that way.) Of course I wouldn't have voted for it - too cheesy! :-)))Darn, I'm sorry I missed the critique, M, and Al's story!
I can't believe I read this entire thread! I've got other stuff that needs doing.
Guy wrote: "I found 'ginger' in … his green-eyed ginger friend's rant about some spell… a bit confusing. Did you mean ginger-haired, or ginger flavoured? I found myself re-reading that a few times to confirm it wasn't a typo for 'Ginger' the name and concluded you meant ginger hair (or skin) coloured."Yes, the ginger thing came out wrong.
"Quibble: scents are inherently unable to 'hit' anything because they lack tangible mass.
No other way to really describe it.
I suggest that early in the 2nd paragraph you tell the reader that Emrys is remembering how he met Mary. Or end first paragraph with a slightly stronger suggestion we are going into a memory. Also, introducing the name Deniol in 1st paragraph and then Emrys in 2nd when it seems like 2nd paragraph forward is a remembrance of the introduce narrator of the 1st paragraph is confusing.
I've seen awesome stories with less, so I didn't think it wouldn't be clear.
"In the 2nd paragraph, the subject is confused; Is the 'she' of the 3rd sentence referring to the dark-haired beauty or someone else. The ambiguity is quickly cleared up, but it interrupted the natural flow of my reading as I ascertained what I think is correct.
I honestly don't see how you were confused here...It's as clear as I can make it without repeating myself.
"Third paragraph begins with an ambiguity that interrupts the reading flow as well; the 'their' suggests the protagonist and the charming girl, but that turns out not to be the case. Instead, i suggest something like 'Some hunters were hot on his and Ludivine's trail, … ' thus introducing another character and the element of danger without confusing it with Mary."
That was meant to be fixed. I can't remember how now, though.
"Another quibble: how does one rip a corset in two? The nature of the corset makes that highly improbably when the purpose of ripping the corset was to gain access to the goods squished into it. Just ripped is fine."
I kind of figured the fact that he was a vampire (revealed later, I know) would make that believable...
"And on re-read I liked the repletion of wiggled. Somehow it made the sex more playful and intimate, and strengthens the contrast with the gruesome ending."
O.O Mind blown. I had no idea what I was doing with this story.
"And this is an odd quibble. This very short story is told from the point of view of the vampire protagonist. Except for one line Too late, the girl realised his bite was meant to kill. It is actually out of place. I'd delete it. Her death is well described in the last paragraph, and so it does not need to be introduced by Mary."
A part to help that came later.
"Finally, the unicorn comment needs context, which also gives you the opportunity to flesh in the story. Was the unicorn Deniol?"
This last one has to be known within context of other stories involving Emrys/Deniol and his friends. I could have added her name, but it just didn't go since it was from his point of view. I haven't posted those stories, yet.
I did post my stuff...lolBut yeah, the last bit you have to understand the story already...
Kat’s the only one who posted anything too explicit to be endorsed by Hallmark. Go, Kat!
I need to know for my portfolio on another site: would y'all consider Mary to still be 13+?
It doesn’t name body parts and describe rather than imply what those body parts are and what they’re doing. It doesn’t contain crude language. To me, the only potentially shocking thing about the story is that it involves a senseless killing. The girl is just “a pick-me-up,” someone Emrys uses to satisfy his lust for a few minutes, then snuffs.
Yep, that's him. Gotta wonder why the hell Anara would bother with him. XD Just making sure, cause like I said before, I've had nothing to do with this kind of subject. XD
To me, the motives playing into the writing, whether conscious or not, have a lot to do with the impression a story makes, how disconcerting it is, what kind of rating it probably deserves.Though the scene Kat submitted has a few sexually explicit moments, the writing is gentle and the characters are gentle with each other. There’s no dark undercurrent, no psychological subterfuge. Nathan doesn’t strike Rilee or verbally abuse her. It’s the opposite of a story that revels in violence, in the giving and receiving of pain.
I don’t mean to downplay bloodlust, beatings, murder, mayhem, and other things that make so many of the stories posted in the W.S.S. thrilling to read week after week, but in light of that I’m not sure how much sense I think it makes to consider a story suitable for young people just because it doesn’t have sex in it, or unsuitable just because it does.
If Kat’s narrative is anything to go by, a story can be sexually explicit without being very disturbing, but there are stories posted that probably deserve a mature rating even though they don’t contain explicit sex.
I just needed a rating so I don't get in trouble on the other website. XD
No evil doctors or lab-coat wearing scientists? (Yawn.)
I like thrilling stories. Who knows? As the members get older and bored with PG-13 material, and as the board of moderators changes over time, the weekly fare may darken, even become shocking. With writers this bright and inventive, it’s hard to imagine the W.S.S. growing up into anything other than a read-at-your-own-risk sort of place.
I'm scared. Not ready for that. I'm a child. I'm only 18! :o
I like mind-benders that are dark and twisted and psychological and makes you think. XD They're some of the best.
I would suggest Ludivine, but I already took it. XD Um...Give me a bit...
BarbetteEva Jo
Geneva
Marlene
Constance
Vina
A name takes its character from the person who has it, so it could be anything.
I like Eris. I'll get back to you after Mass with some more to go through if need be.
Not always, M. One of my characters, Father Evan Caleb Morrie, was a shapeless mass of a character, all role and no personality, until I named him properly. I could write his actions out as they needed to be, but I didn't manage to have him fulfill his actions, to make them his actions, before the naming. Sometimes the names are strangely vital.Also, I think if they decided Neal Caffry should be Brian Spunkmayer, White Collar would be a very different show.
As for a name for Al's character ... Constance is good as is Geneva. Carrie may be worth considersation or ... Bernedette Cole?
No, those names are more along the lines of a paladin character ...
Vina is the name of a character in one of my favorite Star Trek episodes, “The Cage.” She was played by Susan Oliver, who had a seductive face and perfect figure. The original Enterprise captain was played by Jeffrey Hunter. In one of the several scenes where they’re alone, he makes some comment about her silver clothes. She raises her eyebrows coyly and replies, “I have to wear something, don’t I?” They cut that line out when they remade the original pilot into “The Menagerie,” but I thought it was one the classiest exchanges between characters in the whole series.
Haha! He did! :D Cloney is strange...
Hmm ... I might have to actually watch Star Trek now. Thanks for the remark, M.Eris sounds ... interesting. (A dozen other words occured to me; "interesting" was the closest to including them all.)
Edward, I imagine you’ll find the old Star Trek hokey and amateurish.NBC rejected Roddenberry’s original pilot. They recast most of the crew, and he made a second pilot. William Shatner’s a ham, but Jeffrey Hunter was a real actor, far more believable as Captain Pike than Shatner is as Captain Kirk. There’s nothing else in the series quite like “The Cage.” It sort of explores what goes on in the characters’ minds--what I’ve heard called “the interior landscape.” Stories that really appeal to me usually do that in some way or other. It wasn’t available to watch until long after the series was in syndication, and it was interesting to see the parts that had been cut out.
I thought I was the only one!Something I didn’t like about Buffy the Vampire Slayer is that it was like a soap opera. It didn’t have very many stand-alone episodes, so you had to know what was going on in the series to make sense of most of them. A Star Trek episode was more like a real story. It contained everything you needed to know.
Buffy (the series) came out in about 1997.
I just thought the dialogue sounded well-done ... Anyway, I have pleanty of other reasons to watch Star Trek.I like television shows precisely because they can have those years long plots. I especially like Faith's storyline, which stretches over five years of both Buffy and Angel.
I never really liked Buffy because I didn't find that the feminist drive actually made for stronger female characters. It made them boring, predictable, and ... rather whiny. Angel is extremely brooding, and his character can be a little flat sometimes, but it got to the point where they were making jokes about how silly he really was (thus creating a more interesting character). Seven seasons of Buffy and we're still supposed to care about her angst, because to idly dismiss it (like they did with Angel somewhere around the twelfth episode) would be somehow "degrading."
Yeah ... I really don't like Buffy. But Angel's cool. Cordelia, who spends more time in Angel than Buffy, is a truly "strong" female character.
Other "soap opera" shows that are good: Lost, Once Upon a Time, the last couple seasons of NCIS (to a degree), Burn Notice, White Collar ...
I liked the first couple of seasons of Angel. I agree with Saira about the Irish character. He was my favorite. I was hacked when they killed him off.
I have a feeling the actor who played Graham didn't want to hang around, because it took them all of two episodes to bring in someone else to seems to be a potential love interest for the lead.Doyle ... he was everyone's favorite. Glenn Quinn, unfortunately, had a drug problem that made him impossible to work with. At least they gave him a good death, and did it in a manner that highlighted the theme of the show.
Season three is probably the make or break season of Angel. Either you can accept the Conner story or you can't; if you do, the rest of the series is good.
I’ll read it first chance I get tomorrow morning, Alex--after I’ve made coffee and starched and ironed clothes. I’d better head for my bunk or my hammock or whatever sort of a place it is that a pirate sleeps on a ship.
I liked Illyria. Not sure if she'd be considered a strong female character, but the way she came to terms with losing her kingdom and losing her powers, then in hell, Gunn tried to kill her and she actually forgives him... She's very intriguing.
Illyria isn't female. She-Its asexual.
Are you sure? They never really confirmed except by a couple of characters calling her 'it.' Everyone else thought 'she,' but probably because of Fred. That wasn't what struck me as 'she,' though...I don't know what it was...
Illyria was referred to as a king first, and it didn't really seem to register that it was in a female body.
M wrote: "Kat’s the only one who posted anything too explicit to be endorsed by Hallmark. Go, Kat!"Thanks M XD I'm surprised I actually submitted it.
I thought it was very nicely done, Kat. Unfortunately for me, I choke up when I’m writing those kinds of scenes. I’m like that in real life. Once I almost backed through a storm door, trying to put a few inches between me and a priest’s daughter.
I'm guessing you don't live on the east coast, Kat.
I miss having a storm door. I miss having a house...
We don't even have our own washer and dryer. And good luck pinning anything up. We had to hammer our hooks in. And they're push hooks.
Nope, I do not live on the east coast. I live in Idaho
Now, you have very specifically asked for some criticism, and so here I'll proffer some. In most cases they are mere quibbles, because creative expression can be anything! (I've recently begun re-looking at Joyce's Ulysses, for example.) You have also unwittingly asked me, and once I start deconstructing something it can be quite taxing. Please consider that if I hadn't enjoyed your story as much as I did, I wouldn't have taken the time to answer your request for criticism. (Although technically I think that this is supposed to happen in the 'I want criticism thread — Al can get mad at us and kick me out for doing this in this thread. Or tell us to move it.)
I found 'ginger' in … his green-eyed ginger friend's rant about some spell… a bit confusing. Did you mean ginger-haired, or ginger flavoured? I found myself re-reading that a few times to confirm it wasn't a typo for 'Ginger' the name and concluded you meant ginger hair (or skin) coloured.
Quibble: scents are inherently unable to 'hit' anything because they lack tangible mass.
I suggest that early in the 2nd paragraph you tell the reader that Emrys is remembering how he met Mary. Or end first paragraph with a slightly stronger suggestion we are going into a memory. Also, introducing the name Deniol in 1st paragraph and then Emrys in 2nd when it seems like 2nd paragraph forward is a remembrance of the introduce narrator of the 1st paragraph is confusing.
In the 2nd paragraph, the subject is confused; Is the 'she' of the 3rd sentence referring to the dark-haired beauty or someone else. The ambiguity is quickly cleared up, but it interrupted the natural flow of my reading as I ascertained what I think is correct.
Third paragraph begins with an ambiguity that interrupts the reading flow as well; the 'their' suggests the protagonist and the charming girl, but that turns out not to be the case. Instead, i suggest something like 'Some hunters were hot on his and Ludivine's trail, … ' thus introducing another character and the element of danger without confusing it with Mary.
Another quibble: how does one rip a corset in two? The nature of the corset makes that highly improbably when the purpose of ripping the corset was to gain access to the goods squished into it. Just ripped is fine.
And on re-read I liked the repletion of wiggled. Somehow it made the sex more playful and intimate, and strengthens the contrast with the gruesome ending.
And this is an odd quibble. This very short story is told from the point of view of the vampire protagonist. Except for one line Too late, the girl realised his bite was meant to kill. It is actually out of place. I'd delete it. Her death is well described in the last paragraph, and so it does not need to be introduced by Mary.
However, this now gives you the opportunity to flesh out the story. Make Mary more real by introducing her thoughts and experiences long before her realization of death.
Finally, the unicorn comment needs context, which also gives you the opportunity to flesh in the story. Was the unicorn Deniol?