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message 1:
by
Dani
(new)
Jan 13, 2012 06:44PM
Okay, this is for writers in our group that need people to read it to make it better. Any kind of writing can be posted here, but you can't copy writing from books. It has to be original!!! Use your brains!! :)
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Okay I may have had an IDEA for a book, but I have no idea how it will turn out or if I'll keep writing it. Plz tell me anything I can fix or make better! Spelling, grammer, and punctuation included! Be critical!
Here it is, for now it's called The Becoming of the Second Generation-chapter one: Flash Before Your Eyes
If you really thought about it, life could leave at any moment. Just think about it. One second here, another second gone. One minute you could be walking down the street, another laying flat on your face gasping for air that that you can't seem to find. That's how it happened.
The sun was long gone, blackness now everywhere. I don't know what time it is. Maybe sometime around 1 or 2 in the morning. Don't blame me for walking around at that time, blame Lindy. She brought me to the party apparently with no intention of taking me back. I wouldn't have gotten in the car with her anyway-she was so drunk a baby could have sat up better than her.
Anyway, I'm leaving the party, walking down the dark street tripping over everything, my own feet even. I'm a bit dazed, but still able to hold onto on my self. My sight is a bit fuzzy, but my hearing is sharp. The cock of a gun is not fimilar to my ears, but I can identify the sound. As I hear it, my body stiffens, not daring to move. My eyes close from fear, as I wonder if I really heard the sound, or am just paronoid for being drunk. Wonder if the could-be shooter has an itchy triger finger.
When I open my eyes, I'm flat on the ground gasping for air I don't have. It hurts, I think. It hurts. Wait. What hurts? My eyes close again remembering what happened. Oh no, my head starts pounding, the gun went off, and hit me in the side. In the second it takes me to remember I need help, my eyes flash open and I attempt to stand. Ahhhhh, a searing pain sparks in my side as I crumple back to the ground. Stay down, wait for help. Someone else must have heard that. Someone? Anyone? My life is over, gone, done. And it happened, in a flash before my eyes. I am now officially gonna die, I think as I let my eyes close, but before they shut for the final time, I see something. Two somethings. Eyes? I hope I'm not hallucinating when I say this, but I swear I saw a pair of eyes staring straight into mine.
I wake up.
I wrote another chapter.Here it is....Convo with the Doc
My vision is blurry, but clears as I blink repeatedly trying to figure out why I see so much white. I groan.
"A hospital," I say to myself, "I'm in a hospital. Why?"
As I attempt to turn around I inhale sharply from a pain coming from my side.
"Oommff!" I gasp trying to find a comfortable position without bringing a burning sensation to my skin.
"Man am I sore," I say to myself, shocked when someone else replies.
"Yes, you'll be quite sore for the next week or so, I should think."
I look up and it's a doctor. He's probably in his mid-fifties, I guess from his white hair. And he has a pointy nose like he's ready to snub someone off shall they get in his way. Now to start the round of questions.
"How did I get here? Who called it in? Was I shot? Is the bullet still in me? Did I have surgery?......"
The doc, with a 'you're gonna have to be quiet sooner or later' face, let me ramble on until I got the hint.
"Let's see....yes you were shot, no the bullet isn't in you, and yes you had surgery."
"Wait, but who called it in? And how did I get here?"
"I would tell you that, but the person wants to stay. anonymous," the doc said with a sad smile.
"Do you know what happened?" I inquire, continuing with my list of questions.
"No idea," he said, knowing it wasn't the answer I was looking for.
"As the young m- person," he said catching himself, "brought you in, we were too worried about saving your life to worry about what happened. Now, since you are alive and going to live, might YOU tell ME what happened?"
"I really don't know," I whisper. "All I can remember is that one minute I'm walking on the street, and the next I'm face down on the ground with a really intense pain in my side. Then," I paused to catch my breathe, "before I went unconscious, I remember seeing eyes just starring at me."
The doc looked at me like I am the best book in the world, and left off at the best part, leaving you crazy wondering what happened next. I would go crazy too, except I don't really want to know what happened next because this is real life, no, MY real life, and not some story book.
"Well, that's quite some tale," the doctor says, dying to know what happened by the looks of it. "I'll just keep you over night, then tomorrow you can go on your merry way," and with that the doc left without another word.
"Strange," I muttered wanting more than ever to leave. I knew I was missing work, but hoping my friend would cover for me, they would understand if I left for a day or two.
*********
A day later, I'm walking out of the hospital with a pain killer prescription in one hand and my cell phone in the other, already dialing.
i fixed the first chapter a bit and posted it in my creative writing, so if u want to read it, go there :)
I really like it. The first couple of lines were iffy for me at first but I got into it later when I realized what it's about.I especially like these lines "My sight is a bit fuzzy, but my hearing is sharp. The cock of a gun is not fimilar to my ears, but I can identify the sound. As I hear it, my body stiffens, not daring to move. My eyes close from fear, as I wonder if I really heard the sound, or am just paronoid for being drunk."
I thought it was a dream. Nice twist. I actually really like it! Keep on going. Especially excited about the young "person" (;
thanks!!!! OMG that means a lot!!!! :)u can't see it but....IM SMILING!!! :) :) :)
im working on chapter three, but got a really good idea and skipped ahead. ill work on chapter three soon.
i edited chapter one and two, so if u want to see them they are in my creative writing folder. :)
go to explore, then creative writing. then on the side there is a search spot type in...
the becoming of the second generation
and it should pop up.
thx again for reading my story!!! :) *still smiling*
it might be harder to find it than i thought. i searched the title and i didnt see it come up. maybe u can get to it through my profile. try that if it doesnt workif it still doesnt work then, ill post it here in this discussion
i looked on my profile and if u scroll to the bottom of the screen u can c all of my writing.
the title of it isthe becoming of the second generation
i changed the titleit is now.......CONNECTIONS
i started writing the story in a journal, so i might not post in awhile til i finish.
i just posted the third chapter, 15-30 minutes ago, and i hope u like it. if u see ANY mistakes at all, PLZ tell me so i can fix them. or if u have ANY suggestions at all PLZ tell me so i can make it something u would enjoy! ill post it now!!
Ringing, and ringing I realize my roommate is too lazy to pick up the phone. "Come on, Devin. Pick up the freaking phone" I hiss under my breath.
"Wassup?" Devin answer in his 'sloth-like, laid back voice'.
"Hey, it's Josie. Can you come pick me up? I'm at the entrance of the hospital down the road from the high school."
"Oh, snap. What did lil' Josie do this time?"
"Nothing!" I insist, but I can hear the whine in my voice, signaling that I'm not telling the truth. Squeezing my mouth shut to refrain from talking, I hope Devin didn't notice how my voice hit a high pitch when I lied.
"Ok, then Ms. Nothing!" Crap, he was suspicious!
"I'll be there in 5."
How will I ever dig my way out of this one? I wonder, frowning at the thought. As I trod around waiting for my ride, I see something out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head sharply to the right 90 degrees. Oh, just a person, Zac I believe. He was in some of my classes in high school a few years back, but I never really got to know him. Just fone old peer I never knew. I don't even know his last name.
"Hah!" I let out a short laugh. How did I remember his name in the first place? Whatever.
Coming back to the present, I notice that I'm staring straight at him. Swiftly, I turn away, facing the lot where Devin's van is pulling up. Without hesitation, I climb in.
"So," Devin starts as I shut the passenger door.
"Why am I picking you up from a hospital?"
"All right, I'll tell you, but I'm dead serious Devin. I'm not joking around." I warn, my voice taking on a somber tone.
"Ok," Devin agreed, his smile fading, vanishing with his happy-go-lucky mood. I sense that he can tell I mean business because he straightens up in his seat, not breaking eye contact.
"Devin, I got shot last night." There! It's out and feels good to have off my chest.
The silence grows, ironically becoming very loud, as I wait for something, anything, to break it.
Devin speaks, "You got shot with a gun last night." His statement sounding more like a question, I nod comfirmingly. He puts his head in his hands and all goes silent again.
"Oh shit," he says breaking the quiet all around us. "That's not very good."
"DEVIN!" I shriek smacking him on the shoulder.
Oh, just a person, Zac I believe.- this sentence sounds kind of weird. To say oh it's just a person... what else did she think it was?Just fone old peer I never knew.-some not fone
hilarious ending. Loving it!!
thx, well. i think that she says "oh just a person" bcuz she is a bit paranoid from getting shot. kk ill fix the fone thing.
