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Jessica *The Lovely Books* (jessybabe) | 3 comments Ok guys Please give me feedback, my friend is writing a book and wanted some feedback on the first chapter and how she can make it better! Want honest opinions please.

Chapter 1: Death’s curve.

Great, it’s starting to rain, how cliché. Guess I will open my umbrella, since it is the only black thing I have at this funeral. Black is for mourning, and I am definitely not mourning. “So sorry about your father, dear” an old lady said to me as she was rubbing my shoulder. “He was such a young man, good man he was” another woman said to me as she grabbed my hand. My father was young; he was forty-four when he died, but I guess she didn’t know my father well enough to call him a good man. As the preacher said he is in a better place now, I tried not to laugh. In fact I was trying not to laugh the whole time. It is funny what people say at funerals, like they will get some reward for saying the most sympathetic thing. I watch all of them, wiping their eyes full of tears, blowing their nose, all I can say is bravo, an act well done. I have not shed a tear since I first found out about my father’s death. Wonder if anybody here even notices that my eyes are the only dry eyes out here. Probably not, they are too busy trying to outcry each other to see which one the preacher confronts first. But the fact is, he is not worth my tears, or anybody else’s. I mean, I haven’t seen the man in ten years, wow, ten years. I found myself in deep thought, so when my aunt Cindy came and put her arm around me it made me jump and let out a yelp.

Now that everybody has finally left the house I can now breathe and stop pretending like I lost a father. These people, family I guess, have not seen me in ten years yet they only want to talk about when I was a little baby girl, not ‘hey kid, where have you been the last decade?’ Oh well, guess I am use to it. As I start to walk to where my old room once was, I run my fingers on the walls. I could still hear the screaming, like the walls kept it in all these years. If only I could forget the fights that happen in this very hallway. In front of my door while I was once a child. Maybe that is what really started my messed up life. I stop in front of my door not sure if I can enter. Instead, I trace the outline of the door with my fingertips; I use to do this a lot when I was younger. Maybe it was a nervous thing. The door still smells the same, burnt wood with old rusty paint. The whole house still smells the same for that matter, nothing like the good smell of beer and cigarettes to get the morning going. As I walk back into the living room my mom is standing looking out the window. I can hear her talking to herself, but cannot make out the words. I thought about going up to her and giving her a hug, telling her it wasn’t her fault, but she wouldn’t care. My mom and I never got along; I was the outcast of the family, an only child. I was born when my mom was only sixteen. You would think that would make us great friends, but it’s more like arch enemies.

It’s night time now and the rain hasn’t let up. Still pouring, pounding harder and harder against the windows. We have the same leaks we had ten years ago so I tried digging out pots to put under the hole so the water wouldn’t run through the house. “Your father never got around to fixing the roof, actually he never got around to doing much after you left” my mom said in her quite, almost shy voice, it was the first thing she has said to be since I got there this morning. “Well, maybe I can hire a roofer for you to come out and look at it for you” I replied, even though I knew she wouldn’t accept the offer. “No, I can take care of myself” she says without even looking at me. My mother and I are somewhat alike, as much as I hate to admit it. We like to do things ourselves, it makes us feel proud.

Sara (♥ hearts Alec Lightwood♥) | 69 comments its pretty good

message 3: by Subz221, Back Away From My Book Boyfriends (last edited Dec 06, 2011 05:22PM) (new)

Subz221 | 1066 comments Mod
Maybe make it a little longer, but overall it's great!

message 5: by Emily V (new)

Emily V (xemilyx) | 67 comments Great!

message 6: by Penelope (new)

Penelope | 6 comments My interest is piqued. Best wishes.

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