First 100 Words

[Lee]

Greg wrote: "The Spanish Helmet


This was the wrong harbour, the wrong land. It was even the wrong hemisphere. But that didn’t matter any more. Francisco de Hoces would die on this beach. Desti..."

OK, Greg. The combination of this post, the trailer and the reviews put your book on my TR list.

[Greg]

Oh. Thanks, Lee.
Can I ask which of these factors sealed the deal or persuaded you most? Just curious.

Nice use of Château de Chillon on your Impediments cover. Holz, are you of German stock?

[Lee]

Greg wrote: "Oh. Thanks, Lee.
Can I ask which of these factors sealed the deal or persuaded you most? Just curious.

Nice use of Château de Chillon on your Impediments cover. Holz, are you of German stock?"

Well, the trailer sealed the deal, but the 100 words caught my attention. The reviews, particularly the absence of any saying you're functionally illiterate (which I can see you're not from your post), were additional encouragement. I do look at reviews but generally will take a chance if the trailer interests me. I've been burnt a few times that way by poor writing but have more often been rewarded by a good read.

Glad you like my cover. My ancestors immigrated to the US from Bavaria in the mid-nineteenth century. No Swiss blood I know of, but I lived in the Suisse Romande for a number of years.

By the way, in case you didn't notice, I also write contemporary thrillers (Impediments is not).

[Greg]

I did see your contemporary thrillers too. Noted. I also have no Swiss blood but my children (OK, one is still only due to be born in two days... but) do have Swiss blood. I married Swiss.

No, I'm not functionally illiterate. In fact, I thought of starting a Goodreads group for literate self-published authors but decided that Elle had covered this nicely.

It's nice to hear the trailer works. I spent a lot of time and effort on making it and was under the impression it merely looked nice but had no effect. Every bit of feedback like this is helpful.

With your Swiss connection, you might like to watch out for my next novel (late 2012?) which is a thriller set in the Swiss Alps.

[Lee]

I agree about putting time and effort into trailers (blurbs). My editor and I did so with mine.

I will watch for your Swiss thriller.

[Melanie]

The Silent Treatment


Bridget skipped their usual exit on I-40 and headed toward the mall. Kat furrowed her brow and the grouchy inner child within her weary twenty-five-year-old body stirred. "I thought we were going home."
"I wanna check the hours."
"Everything opens at ten."
"I want the closing." She rolled through an empty strip mall parking lot to the Verizon storefront, squinted at the tiny sign on the door, and accelerated away with the information.
"Are you gonna get a new phone or see if they can fix yours?"
Bridget winced. "I'll probably catch a disease if I ...

[Nathan]

Special, he thought. I always knew I was special.

His face contorted into a painful grimace as he tried to pull the linen shirt off. Much as he expected, the loose cloth was practically fused into his now dry wound. Working what little saliva was left around in his mouth, he lifted one dirt and blood encrusted hand to his lips and spit. Not good, he said to himself – that meager amount of liquid pooling in the spaces between his fingers had streaks of red in it.

One thing at a time, he reminded himself. First I get this bullet out, then I worry about the rest.

---
From The Academy, the first in my trilogy of YA historical fiction/sci-fi geared towards young men.

[Everly]

Abigail Larson stood at the oversized window in the library of her London manor. It was dusk, a time of day that used to be her favorite—of course, that was before the light from America lit up the sky throughout the night. As she pressed her hand against the glass between her and the white light in the sky, a car appeared by the iron gates at the end of the long driveway. It was an old American Ford from the 2020’s. Abigail smiled to herself; she hadn’t seen one of those since they came out over forty years ago.

Displaced

[Rebecca]

I open the closet door and hang my wedding dress next to the dress I wore to my mama’s funeral, and then my daddy’s, not two weeks later. Its blue softness slips through my fingers. I count the tiny pearl buttons at the neckline, dyed to match the dress. There are ten. I pick up the box that holds my wedding shoes, my first high heels. I look down at my feet and wiggle my toes encased in saddle oxfords – a school girl’s shoes. Mama's Shoes

[R.M.]

About three months ago the first victim was found up north in the outskirts of Fresno. She was left naked, one wrist had been slashed, and interestingly enough she was missing most of her blood. However, there was no blood found at the scene. Since then six more bodies have been discovered; all female, all exsanguinated. Three more girls were found in or around Fresno, two turned up just outside of Bakersfield, and the last was found right here in good ol' Los Angeles; making body number seven and a vampire in my backyard.

[[deleted user]]

i'm not yet up for the challenge of writing first person, but i admire it greatly when done well.

let's look at this passage:

"She was left naked, one wrist had been slashed, and interestingly enough she was missing most of her blood. However, there was no blood found at the scene."

the end of the first sentence needs to be combined with the second sentence, not the first. the words "interestingly enough" causes the problem. consider this:

She was left naked, one wrist had been slashed, and she was missing most of her blood. However, there was no blood found at the scene.

[Stephen]

The gun barrel points at me; no mention of surrender accompanies it.
   Well that is just dandy.
   He does not intend on taking me prisoner and who can blame him? I have given them many reasons for mercy to be an afterthought. It seems only fitting that I would be shown the same level of empathy.
   I attempt to find peace as the barrel stares down at me. I feel like I have every right to exist, even if my existence contradicts their traditional view of life. It is funny that the gun also contradicts: from its meticulous clinical creation to its final purpose to mindlessly destroy. The gun involuntarily triggers flashbacks of earlier days ...

[Stephen]

Hey Rich, I don't believe this is a critique class. This is simply a post of the first 100 words of your novel.

...and points for using 'exsanguinated' R.M :3

[[deleted user]]

hey stephen, this is simply an attempt to help someone. relax. it's a great beginning, but everyone can use help on occasion. and very often, "help" of this kind isn't free.

also, about words like "exsanguinated," i tend to lean with hemingway's advice. big words are nice, but not unless they help the reader understand the sentence better. he feels if half of the readers have to look up the word, it isn't worth using. i would use "bloodless" because it's more stark, deliberate, and threatening. however, it's not my story.

[Stephen]

Agreed about exsanguinated. It is quite a ridiculous word, but I am impressed someone else knows what it means. I loved the Joss Whedon line from firefly:

Zoe: You sanguine about the kind of reception we're out to receive on an Alliance ship, captain?
Mal: Absolutely. What's "sanguine" mean?
Zoe: Sanguine: "Hopeful". Plus, point of interest, it also means "bloody".
Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?

[Antony]

Devotion - the first 100 words of a short story :

Geoff was lucky. He had escaped the crash without serious injury. A fading bruise on his forehead and a lingering black eye were the only outward signs that anything had happened to him. But Hillie, the hospital's senior psycho-therapist, had no interest in outward signs. She was convinced that damage had occurred on a deeper, less obvious level, and Geoff was growing tired of trying to convince her otherwise.
"You again," said Geoff, as she approached his bed. Her visits had become a daily occurrence during the past week.
"Me again," said Hillie brightly, pulling up a chair beside him.

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/...

[R.M.]

Stephen wrote: "Hey Rich, I don't believe this is a critique class. This is simply a post of the first 100 words of your novel.

...and points for using 'exsanguinated' R.M :3"

Thanks! I do love that word...exsanguinated. :D Better than saying simply 'bloodless'.

[R.M.]

Richard wrote: "i'm not yet up for the challenge of writing first person, but i admire it greatly when done well.

let's look at this passage:

"She was left naked, one wrist had been slashed, and interestingl..."

Thanks for the advice. I'm in the process of the second installment of the Dylan Hart series and I'll keep it in mind. I also need to keep in mind writing in first person requires a sense of character, how the character would "say" the text, and how she would word or phrase things. It is definitely difficult keeping things in "tense" and making sure the character remains intact. And in this case, the character is any but "average". Thanks for the critique though. :)

[[deleted user]]

I woke muddled, thinking the ship’s engines sounded wrong. Red light glared on my eyelids. Breathing meant gagging on the seagull-shit taste of a hangover. And that sound was not my ship’s engines. More like a sardine can’s engines or…a plane?

Opening my eyes took effort. A plane. From the rear of the fuselage, I faced up an aisle between rows of knees hugging sea bags. Not sea bags: MOLLE-packs. Red lights in strips overhead barely illuminated a couple hundred hunched forms in desert camo,
Khyber Run

[[deleted user]]

At my dorm's October mixer, a costume party, I went downstairs wearing white jeans, a white T-shirt, and a crown of flower petals cut out of paper plates.

A quartet of girls in cowboy boots and cheek-baring shorts turned to me like sheep in a herd and bleated, "Wall-flower!"

My face burned. That obvious, was it? I got a cup of sparkling apple juice and a handful of unbuttered popcorn before finding a section of wall that might could use someone to hold it up for a while.

I'd promised my roommate and her boyfriend one hour of privacy.
Dead Kitties Don't Purr

[[deleted user]]

Legeve awoke and rolled over into a hunched position, her feet touching the floor. The cold gust of air from the vents dissipated as it had fulfilled its role, though the goose pimples on her naked skin did not. She ran her hands up and down her arms, bidding the cold away while slowly lights began flickering up and down the walls, showing that the station was awake.
We Of The Universe
http://www.amazon.com/We-Of-The-Unive...

[[deleted user]]

First 100 words, Rachel. Would you like to edit your post?

[[deleted user]]

Dear Amber, already done. I had misread it as 300 but now it should be about right.

[[deleted user]]

It was a really good 300. Where did you get the name Legeve?

[[deleted user]]

Thanks Amber. I made it up. Not to say it isn't out there somewhere.(It's hard to come up with something completely unique, even with names.)
I prefer to mix up words from the dictionary to make my own unique names when at all possible, especially when writing science fiction/fantasy.

[[deleted user]]

R.m. wrote: "Richard wrote: "i'm not yet up for the challenge of writing first person, but i admire it greatly when done well.

let's look at this passage:

"She was left naked, one wrist had been slashed, and ..."

right. you have to pay attention to what the narrator could or couldn't know. i once wrote something in first person, and the narrator referred to a song he heard on the radio but didn't know who sang it. when i presented the text to a writer's group, several people pointed out the name of the artist. i had to remind them, "yes yes, i know that, but the narrator doesn't know that! it's ok!!" sheesh.

[Thayer]

It was the morning some kind of holy sprite dropped from a flowering hawthorn tree.

In the spring of 1935, Dr. Leland Broughton and two colleagues were hiking alongside the Cutler creek in search of a rare botanical, known in mountain lay term as blue poke: a delicate wild plant, with a velvety sapphire blossom, resembling a small pouch. When pressed between the hands, this scarce bloom produces a warm, purplish juice with acute antiseptic properties. Broughton discovered reference to the plant in the writings of one Dr. Charles Holt from Durham, who, himself, described an observation of its curative...



Thanks for the opportunity to share ^_^

[Karen]

From Dark Dealings (coming March 2012 from Three Worlds Productions)

Her hopes for a nice, normal weekend away from the office died on a dark bend of Massachusetts’ Route 7. Micaela flicked on the high beams, wary of the deer that often darted into the unlit road. She downshifted the Porsche Cayman and guided it around a sharp curve. The crisp air that flowed through the open window smelled of early October snow in the Berkshires. As much fun as it might be to floor it, she wasn’t in any great hurry to get to her grandmother’s farm. A mile later, a shadow at the edge of the road made her slow to a crawl.

[Mark]

First hundred words from my thriller work in process ‘The Unforgiving Sea’.

Commander Maggie Hendrix scowled over a weather forecast sprinkled with digits and twisted lines, bad news for anyone transiting the Southern Ocean. A rap at the door startled her and she looked up. “Yes, come in,” she said and stacked it with her other reports.

The door flew open and a red faced airman bolted through. He stood at attention and snapped a salute.

“Ma’am!” He gasped and caught a breath, “We’ve received an Emergency Position Beacon signal.”

Hendrix held up a hand. “How long have you been with Search and Rescue?”

“A week, ma’am.”

One post mentioned this isn’t a critique group but I say, have at it! For those curious, the first three chapters of this novel are posted on my profile and I welcome critique or comments.

[Lee]

Mark wrote: "First hundred words from my thriller work in process ‘The Unforgiving Sea’.

Commander Maggie Hendrix scowled over a weather forecast sprinkled with digits and twisted lines, bad news for anyone tr..."

Hi, Mark. I like your first 100 and the trailer on your profile. I couldn't find the first three chapters, but based on what I've seen I'd say you have a potential winner, one that I would read!

[Oliver]

Here's the first hundred words of my pulpy noir/horror/sci fi mash up Sunliner.
Sunliner

Sometimes life throws you a curveball, puts you somewhere you hadn't expected. That's life, as they say.
I've always thought there were two sorts of folk: those that take these kinds of things in their stride and those that get thrown by them. The first sort of people just shrug the unexpected off and keep going. The second kind get upset or angry, they hit the bottle, they mope, they see shrinks.
Until today I guess I would have put myself more in the latter category. I don't have a great track record of just keeping on going.
Sometimes though

[Elisabeth]

From one of the short stories in my collection:

The Ranch Next Door and Other Stories

The shooting of Donny Perryman caused no more immediate reaction in the streets of Larksburg than such things usually did. Larksburg was a hardy little frontier town whose sturdy citizenry took the occasional bit of gunplay in good stride without absolutely condoning it.

Donny was seventeen; he was an orphan; he punched cows for the Cross B outfit. He had tousled sandy hair, a cheerful lopsided grin and a merry disposition; most everyone knew and liked him. There are always exceptions, of course, and it was Donny Perryman’s ill-luck to run afoul of the exception. This person, a noted bully...

[[deleted user]]

i would cut those semi-colons. use periods or commas instead.

donny was a 17-year old orphan who punched cows for the cross b outfit. most everyone knew his tousled, sandy hair and cheerful, lop-sided grin to match his cheery disposition. just a suggestion. never use semi-colons unless it's necessary, and it's never necessary.


and someone will yell at me for making these suggestions, and they'll say this is for presenting 100 words, not critiquing them, and then i'll say - so we're only supposed to make comments if we're saying how great something is? why not help someone? i would love someone to care enough to make suggestions for my work.

have a great day, and sorry to elisabeth if you are annoyed by this.

[[deleted user]]

Stephen wrote: "Agreed about exsanguinated. It is quite a ridiculous word, but I am impressed someone else knows what it means. I loved the Joss Whedon line from firefly:

Zoe: You sanguine about the kind of recep..."

not familiar with that, but thank you for the details.

[Mark]

Hi Lee, Thanks for taking a look! Access sample chapters by clicking on the gray title ‘The Unforgiving Sea- DRAFT’ under ‘my writing’.

BTW, I can’t understand why any Goodreads author wouldn’t post a first chapter or two on their profile page.

I’m looking forward to checking out your work.

[[deleted user]]

i didn't know i could do that. thanks.

[Stephen]

The way I did it was to submit some 'creative writing'. I'm not sure whether there is a formal way of associating an excerpt from your novel. Mark?

[Allison]

R.m. wrote: "

About three months ago the first victim was found up north in the outskirts of Fresno. She was left naked, one wrist had been slashed, and interestingly enough sh..."

This is why this is on my TR list!

[Catherine]

Elle wrote: "Here is a place where you can put the first 100 words of your piece of work. It could be a novel, short story, poem, whatever. You may put it here and the link to where someone can buy the book, th..."
Just bought Qua and the Seamstress for my Kindle Fire. Both sound very cool!

[Catherine]

The first 100 words from my YA near-future thriller:

I squint into the first rays of the sun as I snap on my diving suit. Sweet Ice! It’s March in Vostok and three-month polar night is over. Just in time, because I can’t stand one more hour of darkness.
Varik, I think, you’ve survived.

Smiling, I picture light licking the late-winter crops of Flyfish plants, coaxing them back to fruitful growth. I walk from my house to the dock of our floating island, and survey my father’s sea farm. It was supposed to be our father-son business, but I inherited it five weeks ago at eighteen. Suddenly it’s a son-only business that I hardly know what to do with.
Fireseed One

[Lee]

From
The Abomination Assignment

The misty haze of the summer night caused halos to form around the occasional streetlight globe on the narrow back street and embraced wet leaves of the shade trees lining it. The American had followed Abdul Khan through the drab streets of Amsterdam three long days and nights, in sunshine, in wind and rain. His name was Thomas Bowin, and he was thoroughly sick of doing so. At least the mist and rain shrouded his movements and muffled his footsteps. The sidewalk was laid out in chevron patterns, and he was concerned about his footing on the wet bricks.

[Holly]

The crowd parted ways at the concert in Henry Park. It was a hot summer, the humidity very noticeable on the skin of the huge crowd. If you looked just close enough at the midnight sky you could see a dark storm brewing. And he knew it wouldn’t be long before all of the bands were hurrying to pack up their equipment and hit the road.
He was sure there would be some trying to score some drugs, or maybe a lady for the night, and even more of them hoping to make their night just a little more exciting.

[R.M.]

Allison wrote: "R.m. wrote: "

About three months ago the first victim was found up north in the outskirts of Fresno. She was left naked, one wrist had been slashed, and interestin..."

Thanks doll! I got you covered too!

[Mark]

R.m. wrote: "Allison wrote: "R.m. wrote: "

About three months ago the first victim was found up north in the outskirts of Fresno. She was left naked, one wrist had been slashed..."

Seems this opening has attracted a lot of comment which, of course, is a good thing! The worst response to a writer’s effort is silence.

That said, I think, good as it is, a few tweaks might make it stronger. May I throw in my $.02? How 'bout this...

The killing started three months ago with a dead girl found just outside Fresno. Naked, one wrist slashed, she had lost most of her blood. No one found a drop at the scene. Every ten days or so, they found another girl, slashed and bloodless. Then two bodies turned up near Bakersfield, same MO, and trouble seemed headed my way. Last night they found dead girl number seven in LA, my home town. Not many understood what I knew. A vampire stalked my city.


Suggestions:
‘Dead girl’ is more evocative than ‘victim‘.
Eliminate passive language: was, has been, were, have been,
Build tension, take threat from general to personal.
Perhaps ‘exsanguinated’ is standard for vampire genre but I find it clumsy and an impediment to story flow.

Best of luck with your book!

[[deleted user]]

Mark wrote: "R.m. wrote: "Allison wrote: "R.m. wrote: "

About three months ago the first victim was found up north in the outskirts of Fresno. She was left naked, one wrist had..."

two things:

1. to the guy who complained about my "critique," this is why i did it. for people to start a dialogue, help each other, instead of just saying "hey! look at my 100 words!!"

B. to the original author, this is why first-person is so tough. you have to examine word choices. would that narrating character use these words? would he/she say "victim" or "dead girl"? would she say "exsanguine" or simply "without any blood"?

first-person stifles your natural voice. that's why i abandoned it. my natural writing voice flows easily for me. but to write in someone else's voice? good luck!

[Lee]

Richard,

I agree with you in general about the difficulties of the first person voice. However, there are situations in which it has particular power: (1) where you want the reader deeply into the mind of a character, usually the protagonist and (2) where, for plot reasons, you want to limit the reader's perspective and knowledge to what is experienced and known by one character, again usually the protagonist. There may be other uses that I haven't tried or haven't thought of.

[A.F.]

Richard wrote: "Mark wrote: "R.m. wrote: "Allison wrote: "R.m. wrote: "

About three months ago the first victim was found up north in the outskirts of Fresno. She was left naked..."

I have to disagree with you Richard. I find the first person POV can let out a character's voice far easier than leaving it behind the 3rd person wall. As far as using the words "victim and "exsanguinated", if the character was a detective or investigator those words convey that fact better than using "dead girl" or "without any blood". First person comes down to being true to the character.

[R.M.]

Holy cow! At some point I either did something very right, or something completely wrong to warrant such a discussion!
:) Thanks to all for your input, I will take it all into consideration.

A word on first-person:
As a reader I prefer first-person POV and tend to get bored with a third-person narrative. So, when I started writing first-person felt more comfortable and natural. In the end, the creator of the "voice" for the narrator, who ever that may be, is the only one who truly knows the character. That being said, writers, myself included, must learn and adapt to that "voice" and treat it as it's own entity. Disregarding all technical, grammatical, and all around "proper" writing etiquette. I say, claim creative license and roll with it. :)

A.F. - I agree
Richard - If we all (writers) thought the same books would be pretty dull and monotonous. So, I guess it's a good thing we all have a different technique or view point on writing.
Lee - Dylan Hart is such a strong character she had to have her own "voice" or she just might have popped off the page and punched me in the face. ;) (Another reason for your list)
Mark - Your version is great! But, like I mentioned earlier, Dylan has her own personality that sometimes baffles me. And I wrote her! hahaha

Thanks again! If your curious about Dylan and her band of misfit vampires, go check her out!

[Karen]

Very intriguing!

Catherine wrote: "The first 100 words from my YA near-future thriller:

I squint into the first rays of the sun as I snap on my diving suit. Sweet Ice! It’s March in Vostok and three-month polar night is over. Just ..."

[[deleted user]]

Lee wrote: "Richard,

I agree with you in general about the difficulties of the first person voice. However, there are situations in which it has particular power: (1) where you want the reader deeply into the..."

another use for it is the unreliable narrator. a great example is "crash" by jerry spinelli. a bully of a kid talks about a new kid, how much he dislikes the new kid, etc. this allows us to realize how wrong the narrator is, and it also allows us the ability to see his learning process throughout the book. how he learns that he's wrong and what he does to change and make up for it. wonderful book, and it's a great example of we need to focus on the last line of a book, and not just the first line. of course, if you read the last line, it ruins the ending. but it gives you a happy cry. hmm. i may have just spoiled it.