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[Tonwapiri]

Richard wrote: "Bookworm wrote: "I've started watching The Big Bang Theory...finally, my world revealed! At long last a TV with 'smart' jokes about Quantum mechanics, String Theory, Astrophysics, and Star Trek!

..."
I'm a big fan. Sheldon is fantastic!!!

[Tim]

Hello I have a favor to ask anyone who can help out (it's simple)

I entered a writing contest and unfortunately it's a popularity contest. Still though, I'd like to see if I can win.

http://www.facebook.com/jefishmannove...

Above is the link for the Facebook page where the contest is taking place. All you have to do is Like the page then vote for "Tim" (which is me!). Thanks and feel free to send me a direct message if you ever need a vote.

[Melki]

This seems as good a place as any to tell of my latest book club disaster.

I was the hostess this past Wednesday night, and moments before my guests were due to arrive, I discovered that my dog had eaten 8 Lindor Dark Chocolate Raspberry Truffles, wrappers and all. Chocolate can be deadly for dogs, so my oldest son went online to see how to make him throw up. He took him outside and got him to drink a bowl of water laced with hydrogen peroxide and salt.

Meanwhile, ladies were arriving, standing around the living room and chatting. My son comes inside to tell me that the dog hasn't puked yet. The dog pushes the door open behind him, bolts right to the center of the living room to greet all my guests, and promptly expels the contents of his stomach (wrappers and all) in the middle of the rug.

Yeah. It was that kind of night.

[Rebecca]

I'm sorry, Melki, but that made me laugh!

[Mathew]

Was this your latest attempt at being asked to leave the bookclub? It sounds like a good one.

One a related note, what book were you reading?

Oh, glad your dog is ok.

[Mathew]

I just read a pretty funny book - Sh*t My Dad Says. It's little stories and quotes about stuff this guy's Dad says to him. Apparently, there may be a TV show based on this?

Anyway, there were many parts I laughed until I cried. The best was a story about when he is at baseball practice and some kid comes up and says, 'my Dad says your Dad is an a$$hole'. He is just about to defend his Dad when a ball hits him hard in the shins. "Get your head outta your ass and pay attention when you are on the field" yells his Dad, who had just hit the ball into his shins.

[Melki]

Naw, this was the book club I actually want to stay in. We were discussing Ahab's Wife, or The Star-Gazer. We all adjourned to the family room, lest the smell of dog vomit keep everyone from enjoying their chocolate-pecan-bourbon cake and whale-shaped sugar cookies.

I think I'm finally out of the other book club, though I keep getting email updates.

[Mathew]

I have a funny story to post - and just like Melki I could not think of anywhere else to post it.

Recently Starbucks has started asking for your name when you order. Then when they whip up that fancy drink of yours they can yell out, "half sweet, low fat, extra thick whip cream, espresso with three vanilla shots, for BOOKWORM on the bar".
Guess it is supposed to make you feel special having some barrista yell out your name?
In response to this I have been giving them fake names. Haha, that'll teach them eh?
First I started with Maverick. I thought I'd get a response, but, the guy just wrote Maverick on the cup.
Next time I went in I said my name was Wally. The girl gave me a funny look and said, "OLLY? That isn't a real name is it?"
"I said Wally"
"Oh, sorry. I don't know any Wallys"

The last time I went in I said my name was Lucky. The girl said, "Lucky? You serious?"
"Yes." I said.
She wrote it down on the cup.

The best part...these drinks are for my wife. So, when I get back to the car or table I wait for her to read the name on the cup. Then I laugh and laugh.
She doesn't find it as funny as I do for some reason?

[Melki]

You are so thoughtful! Just be careful what names you pick. I imagine a half sweet, low fat, extra thick whip cream, espresso with three vanilla shots might still burn if it's flung at your face.

[Mathew]

Kyle, just like in cooking adding french to a joke makes it so much better...good ones, haha.

So, yesterday at Starbucks I was 'Clark'.

[Mathew]

Today I was 'Rusty'.

[Melki]

Easter is the time I most regret the fact that my kids are all grown up. We used to have fantastic egg-hunts. I would hide 88 plastic eggs, and the boys would find them. (Yeah, some of them weren't found til July, but so what?) Then my husband and I would go inside, and the boys would hide the eggs for us to find.

Apparently, at ages 15 and 18, it's now really uncool to hunt for Easter eggs, though I notice neither one of them is TOO OLD to receive a basket full of candy.

[Mathew]

You're never too old for a basket full of candy. I always look forward to the basket my father gets me.

I, in turn, give the kids little candy...what? They don't need the sugar; it makes them hyper and will rot their teeth!
Instead we fill eggs with stickers, dried cranberries, and puzzle pieces...what? Isn't it all about the hunt anyway.

Fine, we give them a few chocolate eggs and jelly beans, but, only a few...turns out kids get smart at around four and will whine and cry if you don't give them some candy. I don't want to ruin their easter...I'm not that mean.

[Melki]

Oh, you New Age, concerned-about-your-kids'-health parents are no fun!

I always enjoy seeing which items that were quite popular the previous year, don't get eaten this year.
One year, Bubble Tape was the coolest thing they'd ever seen. The next, it was still around at Halloween.
Last year, the youngest one only ate the eyes off his chocolate bunny and gave the rest to his brother.
AND nobody likes those orange Reese's Pieces that are packaged to look like a giant carrot.

So I have to eat them.

[Melki]

Hope everyone who celebrates is having/had a pleasant Easter.

So far, the highlight of my day was watching the dog reluctantly eat a Jello egg that fell and rolled across the kitchen floor. He hated the texture, didn't like the taste, but dammit! - his job is to eat EVERYTHING that falls on the floor whether he likes it, or not!

[Jeb]

This is out first empty nest Easter, and that doggone Easter Bunny just hopped right on by our house! The nerve! (Age discrimination at every turn these days, it seems). Later when I saw that big fat bunny with his Radio flyer full of Easter baskets I went up to him and said "dude! Where's my basket?" He asked for my ID, glanced at it and said "your Easter Basket at the pharmacy with the rest of your prescriptions". The nerve of that smartass bunny! I tell ya.

[Mathew]

Our plan for the eggs filled with puzzle pieces kind of fell through this year. The pieces were too big. We had to fill the other eggs with actual candy!

Funny story about Easter Sunday though. My wife planned to make some rice krispy treat in this bunny shaped cake container and have the kids decorate them (not for us, but for her kidless brothers who we were going to be seeing for dinner). One small problem - we were out of marshmallows.
Fine, we'll walk over to the drug store, it's the only thing open in the neighborhood. Well, they didn't have any marshmallows. Apparently, they were on sale this week and everyone (and their dog) decided to stock up?!
Fine, we get home and find out all of the grocery stores in town are closed. Convenient.
Fine, we'll drive down the road two minutes to the next drug store. But, what do we find? They are out of marshmallows too (must be b/c of that sale?!).
Fine, we'll try that fancy new drug store across the street, the one that nobody ever seems to go to, they didn't have a marshmallow sale, therefore, they should have them.
Nope, they don't carry marshmallows.
Fine, off to the next drug store. And, yes! They have some marshmallows.
So, we get home and start unloading the van. Turns out, at each stop that we didn't find marshmallows we found other things we 'needed'...diapers (what? they were on sale AND we had a coupon), toilet paper (again - sale & coupon), butter (turns out we were out of butter too), some marked down sunscreen (it was the good spray on kind for kids)...anyway, the list goes on.
The small trip for marshmallows turned into a big old van full of stuff...plus a quick stop at MacDonalds (we had coupons, and it was still technically breakfast time!)

[Melki]

It's funny how Rice Krispy treats seem to be a universal favorite. I once spent hours making a fabulous 7-layer brownie dessert for the adults and RK treats for the kids...and EVERYBODY ate the treats instead of the brownies.

[Melki]

I had the weirdest dream last night...

I robbed a bank with either Kim Darby or K.D. Lang...or just a woman that looked like a combination of the two. We took off, our car crammed with loose hundred dollar bills. (Seriously. You could see them in the back window.) Then we had car trouble and had to pull off the road. These two guys came along to help, saw the money and got in a fight over it. The one guy killed the other one, then when he pointed his gun at K.D. Darby, she shot him. So, there we were...stranded, car full of cash, and two dead bodies to get rid of...

That's when my husband's annoying snoring woke me up.

Wonder what would have happened next...

[Rebecca]

Dang, Melki, you should write a book! Maybe give Donald Westlake a run for his money :D

And I must not have been at that party, because I think rice crispy treats are a waste of space and would have been happy to eat the entire 7-layer brownie thing. Feel free to ship it to me at any time.

[Melki]

I was so disheartened at the rejection of my culinary efforts, I don't think I even saved the recipe, but I'll check.

[Rebecca]

Probably too much effort to make anyway. Plus, that whole thing about losing the 5 lbs I gained when laid up after my foot surgery. Do me a favor and refuse to send the recipe, okay?

[Hazel]

Melki wrote: "Wonder what would have happened next... ."

[Jeb]

Humour writers! I'm initiating the search for an indie publisher for the followup to "Hack". It's a satire entitled "American Corporate" and written in the same bawdy, belligerent, irreverent style of bottomless poor taste. Harper Davis has waived their right of first refusal to the ms, so I would like to find another small indie publisher with a knack for humor to handle the book-making piece while I do the marketing piece that all authors seem to have to do these days, whether their self-published or getting help from a publisher. I wouldn't mind self-publishing but I work a full time day gig so am happy to give a cut of the paltry proceedings to a publisher in return for a quality product.

Anyway, never hurts to ask, does it? If you know of anyone who might be able to help with the search I promise to be kind, polite, self-effacing and well-coiffed.

Give me a jingle at harrisonjeb@gmail.com.

And if you're interested in Hack, Hack is most certainly interested in you! www.hackthenovel.com.

Thanks!

[Melki]

I can't help you out with the publisher thing, Jeb, but the book sounds great. I wanna read it. Good luck, and let us know what's going on.

[Kathy]

Sounds like funny and/or embarrassing stories are appreciated here.

Yesterday I was "chatting" with two people on Facebook. One of the two was a new "friend" who has been very helpful in giving me facts about rodeoing as he's a former rodeo clown. I was lamenting how cold it is up here in Minnesota, and he said "it's 87 down here in Texas."

The other person I was "chatting" with asked me a question. (Dangle a shiny object and I'm there. You get the pic). Anyway, I quickly typed something to the rodeo clown and got busy with the second person.

Then it dawned on me that I wasn't hearing back from the rodeo guy. I looked over and my last message read (instead of "you lucky duck" ...) "you lucky dick."

[Melki]

Well, if anyone should have a sense of humor, it's a rodeo clown, so hopefully, all will be forgiven.

[Kathy]

Lol. Good point. (He did).

[Melki]

Last year, when my oldest son didn't go to Senior Ball (I believe this is known as "Prom" in other high schools), I was pleased that we were spared the expense of renting him a tuxedo. Well, wouldn't you know it, this year, one of his female Facebook friends asked him to take her to HER Senior Ball.

$137.38 for a tux for one night!!! I thought it'd be around 75 bucks, but my husband reminded me that it cost that 22 years ago when HE had to go to SOME wedding (ours).

So, I guess that's really not much of an increase over 22 years...but, geez! What a racket!

I don't even want to think about what his date's parents had to pay for her dress...

[Rebecca]

My evil sons hooked me on an amazing time-waster this evening: googleguessr.com

Get the picture. Study it for clues. Guess where in the world you are.

I'm just happy they're not shooting things.

[Rebecca]

That's GEOGUESSR.com, not what I wrote.

[Melki]

I'll have to check that out. Or maybe I shouldn't.
Between GRs, Free Rice, Text Twist and Bookworm, I spend WAY too much time online as it is...

[Joel]

For those who love humorous fiction - the really silly kind - and would consider doing a brief review, I'll be giving away a few print copies of my new novel, "Sunderwynde Revisited". It's nothing edgy, nothing I wouldn't give my mother to read if they allowed books in solitary confinement. Let me know if you'd like a copy.
Thanks!
Joel Bresler

[Kathy]

I would love to do a brief review of "Sunderwynde Revisited" for a copy!

[Kathy]

Want a laugh at my expense? Read on. Earlier this week I squeezed some what I thought was clear lip gloss out of a tube and smeared it on my lips with my finger as I hurried out to my car, late for work. Stopped at the bank and ran in to make a deposit and noticed I was getting some odd looks. Hurried back to my car and as I started the engine, looked in the mirror. The lip gloss was pinkish-red and was not just on my lips but extended at least half an inch around them. I looked like ... you can fill in the blank. (What I saw was a mix of Ruth Gordon [Harold and Maude], a clown, a bag lady, or perhaps the Mad Woman of Shiloh. I'm not providing a picture.)

[[deleted user]]

No worries, Kathy, we'll just photoshop your profile picture.

[Melki]

Despite patchy clouds and idiot neighbors who NEVER turn off their porch lights, I managed to see a few meteors last night...well, actually this morning.

[[deleted user]]

Melki, I think the Alzheimer's is kicking in. Short-term memory loss.

[Melki]

Nah. Sleep deprivation. I've been up since 2:44. Meteor showers are always worth getting up to see.

[Rebecca]

Since the fog here hasn't dissipated since we got home last week, no meteors here. Besides which, this is a flaming city, so hard to see the sky even when it is clear, which it never is this time of year. Shoulda stayed in Canada.

[Melki]

Well, I got very excited today when the Goodyear blimp flew right over our house on its merry way to cover the Little League World Series in Williamsport.

I was the ONLY one in the family to get excited, and I don't understand why. I mean, for crying out loud - it's not like you see blimps every day!

[Rebecca]

I take it you don't shop at Walmart, Melki.

[Melki]

Actually, no, I don't. But, but, but...this is a REAL blimp (think Hindenburg, only safer!), not one of those parking lot balloons.

[Rebecca]

I wasn't thinking of parking lot balloons. I was thinking of the blimps in the aisles. . . .
(Bad kitty!)

[[deleted user]]

I think the rest of us got that, Rebecca. Melki would have too, if she hadn't been so excited.

I was looking out of my window early one morning and I saw a giant yellow rubber duck slowly float over the housetops. It was followed by a giant open book. At first I actually thought I was still asleep (I do have lucid dreams), but then I realised they were balloons. There were another three or four, all in different shapes. I never found out what it was all about. (Sorry - anecdote with no punchline.)

[Melki]

I'm thankfully ignorant of blimps in the aisles. I was in Walmart once, and saw a customer spit on the floor. That was enough for me.

When we lived in Pittsburgh, one of the car dealerships had a fantastic, giant inflatable King Kong that they affixed to their roof to advertise their...giant, crazed-ape prices, I guess. Whatever. It was a pretty neat sight to see.

[Joel]

Chris wrote: "I think the rest of us got that, Rebecca. Melki would have too, if she hadn't been so excited.

I was looking out of my window early one morning and I saw a giant yellow rubber duck slowly float ov..."

Was Pink Floyd anywhere nearby?

[Rebecca]

Or a pink elephant.

[Melki]

I keep forgetting to thank Bookworm for putting up the awesome new Discworldian banner, so here goes...

[Aleha]

Melki wrote: "Please Santa - I want these for Christmas -

http://www.hammacher.com/Product/Defa...

Why? Aw, come on...who wouldn't want these?"

I asked Santa for someone really sexy and...I woke up in a box. (Sorry! Couldn't help myself!)