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I am eating pizza and binge watching Black Sails.
How do you guys deal with nuisance phone calls? I don't mean the cleverly set up swindles, that lead to some people being defrauded of life savings. Just the annoying little scam attempts, or the calls that are disguised marketing ploys.Today the phone rang and it was that fellow with the south-asian accent once again: "This is the Microsoft Corporation. We are calling about your compuootah...". Sometimes it amuses me to play them along and waste their time, but today I was busy. I just laughed uproariously into the phone and hung up.
Then there are the callers who try to sell you something. A professional lady in my village says that she puts on a fake cockney accent: "Oooh no, dear, Oim just the cleaning laidy".
Sometimes they start by saying that they are not trying to sell you anything: they are just doing a survey that won't take more than a few minutes of my time. When I ask them how much they will pay me for my answers they seem completely nonplussed. They repeat that they are just doing a survey. So I point out that any opinions I care to divulge have commercial value to them, so they should pay me for them. I go on to tell them that my professional fees for giving information in surveys are two hundred pounds per hour, so if they would send me a cheque for fifty pounds, with their phone number on the back, I will ring them and give them fifteen minutes of my opinions.
Alas, I have yet to receive a cheque for my offers.
Do you guys have any amusing ways to handle these nuisances?
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While I'm not personally in a position to use this method, one of my friends would routinely hand the phone to her toddler who was just learning to speak. He loved the opportunity to talk to anyone on the phone.
I prefer something along the lines of: "Oh, you poor bastard! Tell you what, I have the Want Ads right here, and I'd be happy to help you find a real job..."
Just hang up. That is the beauty of the phone. Before my time, but I imagine it was a chore dealing with door to door salesmen.
It is illegal to beg in city limits here, but I really hate it when people ask for money in parking lots. I have so much, and they have so little, and they make me feel like a bitch. I am a sucker for street people with dogs though.
Brena wrote: "Just hang up. That is the beauty of the phone."Sure, that's the simplest way. Another simple way is never to answer the bloody thing. I used to dread the phone until I found that if you don't answer it, it eventually stops ringing. Phones used to be all-black, as a reminder that they were invented by Satan in order to persecute mankind. The Devil now craftily makes them in pastel colours, but they still persecute us.
I was wanting to know how any of you might have fun at the expense of the unwanted caller, and get one's own back by tormenting them - like the Devil.
Martin wrote: "Brena wrote: "Just hang up. That is the beauty of the phone."Sure, that's the simplest way. Another simple way is never to answer the bloody thing. I used to dread the phone until I found that if..."
There is the famous Seinfeld skit where he keeps asking the person for their number so he can call them.
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Then again, one can always offer a fair trade:
"Obviously, you're calling to make a sale, which I understand since I'm also currently selling something. So, it's possible that we can both benefit from this call. How about you buy my house, and I'll buy your overpriced vitamins?"
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True story: when my parents were first married, and had just moved into their new home, sort of, a vacuum-cleaner salesman came calling.
"Can I just demonstrate on your carpets, Ma'am?"
"Well, I don't have any carpets."
"On the furniture, then. You'll be amazed--"
"I don't have any furniture."
The man sort of backed away down the path, and apparently put a secret mark on the gate, because she got no more traveling salesmen.
Jay wrote: "I prefer something along the lines of: "Oh, you poor bastard! Tell you what, I have the Want Ads right here, and I'd be happy to help you find a real job..."."That's a good approach. Sometimes I get really fed up with yet another call from someone pretending to be from Microsoft, who tells me that my computer is infected with viruses that he can get rid of if I give him all my credit card details. I have occasionally advised them to get another job before the fraud police raid their offices.
The babbling baby option sounds fun, but even our grandchildren are well past that age. I suppose I could run into the street and grab the first toddler passing my door, but that might bring awkward consequences...
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News items on 'net neutrality' and cable vs. satellite, etc. often mention the term bandwidth. Having spent many years working in electronics, I have tried to explain bandwidth to people who have little or no science background and was often given a blank stare in return.
Yes, you can use analogies such as how much water can you force through a pipe, etc. But, it doesn't always inform as well as one might wish.
Lo and behold! I found an excellent explanation on the web, and if you watch this short (11.5 min.) video on bandwidth, the news articles promoting and contesting the "proper" use of internet bandwidth will make significantly more sense to you.
What is the maximum Bandwidth? - Sixty Symbols
Jay wrote: "Oh, crap! An educational post!News items on 'net neutrality' and cable vs. satellite, etc. often mention the term bandwidth. Having spent many years working in electronics, I have tried to expla..."
I had not realised that there was such interesting stuff on youtube.
Like you, I am used to 'bandwidth' in terms such as 'upper sideband' and related RF technology. It is much misused (as are many other technical words) by those who search for fancy words to use in their journalism.
What a lovely office Professor Mike Merrifield has: much nicer than the head of my department in the scientific civil service had. I covet his antique microscope (on the shelf, behind his right ear).
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2016 will have a leap second
The U.S. Naval Observatory announced on July 6, 2016 that a leap second will be added to official timekeeping on December 31, 2016. That means your day and year – and everyone’s day and year – will officially be one second longer.
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2016 will have a leap second
The U.S. Naval Observatory announced on July 6, 2016 that a leap second will be added to official timekeeping on De..."
Part of the Trump effect, most probably.
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HISTORY OF IDEAS - Manners
Some of this is rather bizarre--In order not to offend others, Ancient Romans brushed their teeth with horse urine--but what I found truly interesting is the concept that "good manners" is a remarkably flexible idea, each age searching for a viable social norm, adopting new fashions and quite often readopting old. And it appears, we haven't arrived yet at a widely accepted conclusion.
You'll be surprised at how recently some concepts of good manners were adopted.
Definitely worth a view.
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It appears that, within a decade, the price of Silly Putty may skyrocket 5000 percent or more. Likely, more.
Graphene-Spiked Silly Putty Picks up Human Pulse
The material, dubbed G-putty, could be developed into a device that continuously monitors blood pressure, its inventors hope.
Sorry, kids, once something becomes a medical device, you can't even put it on your nose without paying through the nose.
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Depression symptoms are common among active airline pilots, international survey reveals
"...roughly 4 in 100 report they’ve had suicidal thoughts in the last two weeks, new research says."
Yet, the article further states:
"But it should not undermine public confidence in pilots’ ability to perform their jobs."
How very odd! My understanding of the English language has never equated "suicidal thoughts" with "public confidence."
Maybe I'm picky, but the job qualifications for airline pilot shouldn't include "suicidal thoughts." However, I love to travel, so I've decided on a new approach to flying: I'll happily sit crammed-in next to the passenger who snores like a sub-woofer, suffer the prig-edited in-flight movie, AND bring my own in-flight meal if the airline can guarantee that the pilot won't deliberately fly the plane into a mountainside.
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(And yes, comedic actresses are allowed to be legends, too.)
Zsa Zsa's career was a boon to comedy, both as a performer and as the focus of many a joke. Mostly Zsa Zsa played Zsa Zsa, known for eccentric behavior, a carefully cultivated over-the-top accent, and nine marriages, over the years she gave a lot of people a lot of laughs.
My favorite joke from Zsa Zsa:
"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house."
Variety notice: Hollywood Legend Zsa Zsa Gabor Dies at 99
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How to talk to conservatives about climate change
Okay, I understand that some of you will ask, "Why would I want to? I can talk to a wall at home." However, there are several factors to consider here:
1) Studies show that the brain structure of liberals and conservatives are not alike, ergo, it's not surprising that we really are separated by a common language.
2) If only a small percentage of the predicted effects of climate change do in fact occur, the human race is seriously screwed.
3) Studies show that learning to speak a new language may delay the onset of Alzheimer's and other forms of senior dementia, so learning to speak Conservative... There may be health benefits.
Jay wrote: "Interesting article:How to talk to conservatives about climate change
Okay, I understand that some of you will ask, "Why would I want to? I can talk to a wall at home." However, there are se..."
That's conservatives for you. It appears that the 'the human race is seriously screwed.'
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Merry, Merry...
Jay wrote: "It's Christmas Eve! Quit fooling around and get those presents wrapped!..."And get those bottles uncorked!
Merry Xmas to you all.
It's Christmas--time for all married me to check which stores are open and start their Christmas shopping.
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Should The Humour Club adopt a mascot in 2017?
No, I don't necessarily mean some ridiculous animal caricature or costume. Technically, the definition of 'mascot' is: ...a person or thing that is supposed to bring good luck or that is used to symbolize a particular event or organization.
That being the case, I suggest that we adopt a mascot who personifies
long-enduring humour, class, and the search for the perfect cocktail.
My suggestion...
Betty White
Any others?
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Hey, put a book in her lap and a coonskin cap on her head, and that photo of Betty White could easily be me . . . though I usually skip the glass and drink straight from the bottle.
Melki wrote: "Hey, put a book in her lap and a coonskin cap on her head, and that photo of Betty White could easily be me . . . though I usually skip the glass and drink straight from the bottle. ."I knew that bear looked familiar!
Farting and children's humour.Being childless, I wonder at what age kids realise that farting is not always regarded as funny. There are two families who have been our friends for many years. When their daughters (their offspring are all girls) were just old enough to chat and joke, they always rolled about with hysterical laughter whenever farting was mentioned - which seemed quite often.
There must be some age when little children learn to avoid merry farting jokes when the company is not appropriate. For instance during a grown-up cocktail party, when one attempts to blame the 'mephistic airs' on the dog.
I hope that you have all had a very Merry (and brassica-free) Christmas.
Jay wrote: "Interesting article:How to talk to conservatives about climate change"
Yes, that short article in The Week suggested mindsets reminiscent of Britain's Michael Gove's assertion: "people in this country have had enough of experts". There is a worrying degree of "faith" in so many people's beliefs, in all flavours of politics. As someone who was a career research scientist I find it frightening that so many people in power will not accept findings that have much basis in factual evidence.
Do these same people believe absolutely that a rosary and image of Saint Christopher hung on the rear-view mirror will keep them safe if they meet a forty-tonne truck head on at 60 mph on a blind bend?
Sorry: serious humour-deficit in this content.
Martin wrote: "Farting and children's humour.Being childless, I wonder at what age kids realise that farting is not always regarded as funny. There are two families who have been our friends for many years. Whe..."
I love to fart, and mine smell like roses. I only eat roses. My dog was traumatized by his previous owner who blamed him for farts. He would run and hide when I farted. I tried to convince him I wouldn't chastise him for my farts, but he only recovered when he went deaf.
Other peoples' children often suck.
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Asking Melki to be our Fearless Leader and our Mascot is asking a lot.
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In driver training, we are all taught to obey the signs and lights on every road. We are also taught when we have the right of way. However, no one bothers to tell drivers that the laws of the state do not outweigh the laws of physics.
Reality... It's not for everyone.
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I still maintain that what I like best about children is that most of them aren't mine.
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Being childless, I wonder at what age kids realise that farting is not always regarded as funny. There are two families who have been our friends for many years. Whe..."
That depends. If they become serious backpackers, the answer may be "never." But, then, they probably aren't hanging out at cocktail parties. In alpine huts and back-country campsites, discussions of "barking ledge spiders" are not considered uncouth :D
There's a legend I heard about these twins who would get a high from their own farts.
I sometimes think that if there was one thing that could make me homicidal, it's static electricity. I don't know why, but I get shocked more often and at louder volumes (so I kinda think at stronger volts or whatever) than anyone else I know. I never experienced it until as an adult I moved out of the state of Florida. But it happens so frequently (and painfully) that I seriously worry about going off the deep end. I hate it.
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Nylon rugs perhaps? Or, do you wear mixed material (a cotton blouse with a wool sweater, for example)? There may also be a potential difference between your clothing and fabrics covering your furniture. There are literally a ton of ways to pick up a static charge in the average home. Modern homes also have a ton of grounding points (plumbing, appliances with a grounded chassis, etc.) Your pets and the other people that you live with might also be the one's picking up a charge, then discharging on you --and you blame yourself.
Simple experiment: Wear all cotton fibers for a day. See if you get shocked as often.
If you really want to know where you're picking up a charge, you can build your own electroscope with household items.
How to make an electroscope (DIY)
If all else fails, trade in that fancy but shocking wardrobe and pick up an attractive neoprene wet suit to keep you insulated, and wire an anklet to a pair of golf cleats to keep you grounded. Should do the trick.
Best of luck.
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You'll probably want to stay out of Arizona.
Lisa wrote: "I sometimes think that if there was one thing that could make me homicidal, it's static electricity. I don't know why, but I get shocked more often and at louder volumes (so I kinda think at strong..."I feel your pain. I sometimes see sparks from it. I use lots of lotion.
Brena wrote: " I sometimes see sparks from it. I use lots of lotion. ."Didn't think of the lotion angle -- nor the neoprene diving suit.
I get the sparks, too. I was at the market recently and accidentally touched the metal lid of a jar of pimentos (usually I try to touch only the glass). I scared a woman nearby who heard and saw the spark, too. She told me to put dryer sheets in my pockets. I haven't noticed a difference with them yet.
The grocery store is the worst place for sparks, though. Have you noticed? I must look like a lunatic sometimes when shopping because I do my best not to touch anything metal and if I do have to touch it (e.g., a refrigerated cabinet door) I bang it quickly first to get the charge done and over with. It gets painful.
Joel wrote: "You'll probably want to stay out of Arizona."And anywhere else that is dry or semi-desert. Good advice, if you can't go back to Florida which has a more humid climate. Humidity helps any static electricity that builds up on you to leak away, and it does not leak away much in a dry climate. Jay, who has expertise in this field, has good advice too.
When I spent a year in Salt Lake City, after life in London, I got lots of painful shocks. Walking on synthetic (nylon?) carpets builds up huge static charges. I remember handing a theatre ticket to an usherette - there was a crack and a spark and we both jumped with pain. Before touching anything metal, try to discharge your static slowly, by touching something that conducts poorly, like wood. Theoretically, a little metal (gold?) chain around an ankle, long enough to touch the ground by your shoes, might help. Wear shoes with leather, not synthetic soles. Keep your home a bit humid by boiling a kettle - not practicable when shopping!
Or come and live in drizzly foggy England.
Happy New Year to all.
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As we march into yet another year, I would like to wish you all much more than a Happy New Year and a focus on resolutions to combat your flaws (Don't we all have them!). I prefer to wish you opportunity, and the perspicacity to grab it with both hands.
Welcome to 2017.
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Take for example, this quote from a Guardian article:
Shakespeare would have reveled in the mad excesses, the sinister vanities and the pervasive stench of cronyism and corruption surrounding the president-elect as America makes the painful transition from Barack Obama.
How ‘Sherlock of the library’ cracked the case of Shakespeare’s identity
Note, this article's topic is not politics. It's about some newly uncovered info on the identity of Shakespeare (oft contested), but the author still finds room for political criticism of Trump. Interesting.
And if you think the articles are critical, try the Op Ed pages!!!
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Woof! I had no idea, boys. Hold on, I'm sure I've got some dollar bills somewhere.
Jay wrote: "Another Great HC Tip: Need a little supplementary income? Well, the mods checked it out for you and, it's true, these days anyone can be a fashion model. "Holy Spandex, Batman! How do you all find time to write between body waxing appointments?
I've never been a fan of erotica fiction. But now I'm wondering if it's because I didn't realize it could be comic relief: http://www.salon.com/2016/12/10/bad-s...
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Me, too!!
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Just another excuse to drink champagne, as if one needed an excuse.
It amazes me that so many bad sex scenes compare the deed to "the first time," yet no one ever scrambles for their clothes while saying, "Oh crap! My mother's home!"
The Humour Club
Books mentioned in this topic
The Book of Heroic Failures (other topics)Fox in Socks (other topics)
Green Eggs and Ham (other topics)
Fox in Socks (other topics)
Fox in Socks (other topics)
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Authors mentioned in this topic
Katherine May (other topics)Richard Osman (other topics)
David Sedaris (other topics)
Christopher Moore (other topics)
Christopher Buckley (other topics)
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Happy Thanksgiving to all!