YA LGBT Books discussion
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When you want to help but don't quite dare
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Thanks, Brad. Yeah, wishing I'd had more nerve back then. Or more imagination, perhaps, to put myself in her place. (Or less? Because truthfully I could see myself in the same position if I stepped an inch farther from the norm.) It's good to know that even the small gestures can help, though, when we don't feel able to make the big ones.
(Being a total nerd, the way I came up with to annoy that chem teacher in my turn was to alternate getting 100% and 0% on the weekly quizzes. At first he actually came and asked me what he hadn't made clear this week. After a while I just got puzzled frowns. Messing with his mind was a pretty feeble response, though. Can you tell I was a total geek?)
I agree with Brad. I was bullied horribly in school, from kindergarten right up till I graduated, to the point that by middle school I'd pretty much concluded that no one liked me, I wasn't worth being liked, and I couldn't trust anyone. (I had other things going on outside school that contributed to those beliefs.) I might have been suspicious of a note like that, but I think it still would have helped to believe that someone knew where I was at.
Have to admit I pulled 100's in the exams so my over-all grade wouldn't tank. But yeah, maybe didn't lack for the imagination part :)
This is a subject that drives me crazy. My daughter was bullied and picked on from 3rd grade until 8th grade. It stopped in high school thankfully. She was picked on for taking up for another little girl who was being picked on. No other reason. I did everything in my power to stop it. Going to the school and speaking with the principle, teachers and guidance counselors but to no avail. It broke my heart but the worst was when we were driving somewhere and she said.." I wish I had a friend". I was instantly heartbroken and pissed off at the same time. How dare these little monsters destroy this prescious childs spirit? I thank God every day that it ended but I will never forget and will fight tooth and nail to stop it when I see it.
Unfortunately the teachers were mostly blind to the bullying or turned a blind eye. I am not sure what the answer is sadly. I, as an adult, was lost as to how to stop it...so how a kids supposed to is beyond me.
Recently I had my 10 year high school reunion. One of my really good friends lost 100 pounds for the reunion. He said he wanted the guys who bullied him to see him as he saw himself. The bullies wrote 'fag' and crap on his locker. I was floored! He never said a word in school. We all knew he was gay and I thought no one had a problem with it. He said he was afraid to say anything. I contacted on of the boys who bullied my friend. We were friends on facebook, but after I told him how mean and hurtful his words were he deleted me. (Big loss) I told this person that the words he used is why so many teens were killing themselves. I ended my letter asking him that if his son ever came out to him, that he show more respect than he did to my friend.
Looking back, maybe my friend was right not to tell me, I would have thrown a few punches. Maybe you can look this girl up and tell her what you just told us?
Brad wrote: "Susan, reading what you wrote really, really affected me. It kills me to hear this happened to your daughter. When you wrote she told you, "I wish I had a friend," I just lost it. Hearing things like this is so hard to hear. And it sucks to hear you made the effort to try and get it addressed and nobody took it seriously. She was lucky to have you as a mom. Hope she's doing okay today..."Aw, thank you Brad. She is almost 17 now and has gone just about 2 years now without beng bullied; she is a totally different girl, a happy girl. I am very thankful that she now has a great group of friends, a wonderful boyfriend and loves to go to school. Her boyfriend is the one who turned her life around. He accepted her unconditionally and has helped rebuild her self esteem. A lot of parents might not treat their daughters boyfriends kindly but I owe him the world and would do anything for him.
She and I still talk about her being bullied and it has left a scar deep inside her but her whole outlook on life has changed for the better.
I am so very sorry you were picked on in school. You are the sweetest young man ever and those kids lost a wonderful opportunity to be friends with an amazing person. Thanks for being you and never change!
Peace
Bullying is a really tough issue for me. I was never bullied myself, but both of my little brothers were. Luckily, one of them is now a wrestler and has tons of friends, but my eleven-year-old brother has a speech problem and is still picked on. He's the sweetest little boy in the world and it kills me to think what he's going through. He has one friend who sometimes hangs out with him, and I can tell that it makes a world of difference for him. Never underestimate the power of friendship, or even a smile. I'm proud to say that I had the opportunity to defend someone who was being picked on and I took it. Some jerks on the soccer team were making fun of my friend Dakota, calling him very rude names because he was gay. I walked by and defended him and although I'm not exactly proud of some of the rude things I said, I'm glad I said them. Those jerks deserved it. He was so grateful and they didn't really bother him after that. It was awesome
I'm so sorry for everyone who was bullied in school, or even outside of school. I can't believe how intolerant some people are. Just remember, you always have friends, even if they aren't who you expect
Summer wrote: "Looking back, maybe my friend was right not to tell me, I would have thrown a few punches. Maybe you can look this girl up and tell her what you just told us?"
I did look for her online once, a couple of years ago (which was when I first went on line -I'm not good with tech.) Didn't find her, unfortunately. I hope she is happily married and changed her last name (which was odd enough to add to the teasing she faced) and that she's having a good life somewhere.
Kaje wrote: "My turn for a question that has been bugging me for about 3 decades...When I was in high-school there was a girl who was bullied some (not badly because my school was pretty mellow - I chose it..."
The note would have helped immensely, Kaje. Sorry i didn't see this thread before.
It's kinda weird, now, thinking back on school. I remember when kids would pick on certain kids for the way they acted or looked. Like this one girl who always dressed like a cowgirl. ALways with cowboy boots and she had extremely long, black hair. Everyone always picked on her, but she didn't care about that. She just walked down the halls as proud as can be. But those were always the kinds of people I talked to.
And then there was Gerald L. He was a total comic book freak. His whole world was comic book heroes. And he always caught hell for it, too. But he was the one I wanted to talk to. Just talking to someone like that makes all the world of difference to them.
It was not obvious that I was gay, so I didn't get picked on. But I was not popular, for sure. I was just a wallflower. But I didn't shy away from talking to those who were shunned.
When I was teaching, though, it was a different story. I always put the shunned kids at the top of my attention list. I redefined cool in my classes. The so-called cool kids were relegated to being just normal. Like I mentioned somewhere else, I was the teacher they brought the troubled kids to. When the other teachers couldn't deal with some student, the counselor brought them to me. I had all the patience in the world. That's what it takes. And if a teacher doesn't have the patience to deal properly with his students, he needs to vacate his position for someone who can.
But don't think I made it bad for the so-called cool kids. They actually loved the fact that I leveled out the playing field. Everyone was an equal in my classes. It was respect that everyone craved. And when I gave respect to everyone, and demanded that they give respect to each other, everyone was happy.
When students are at school, the teachers should be actively involved in surpressing bullying of all types.
But, to answer your question, Kaje, yes, even a note slipped into the locker would work wonders.
Kit wrote: "Bullying is a really tough issue for me. I was never bullied myself, but both of my little brothers were. Luckily, one of them is now a wrestler and has tons of friends, but my eleven-year-old brot..."Jeeze, Kit, everytime I find out a little more about you, I just love you more. Dakota must love you so much for that. How's your little bro's speech impediment? getting better? therapy? You should make sure his friend knows how much you appreciate him as a person. Let him know. As far as the other bro, the wrestler, yeah, working on athletic skills can really boost ones popularity level. It can even help bigtime when, and if, such a guy comes out as gay.
Scylar wrote: "But, to answer your question, Kaje, yes, even a note slipped into the locker would work wonders. ..."Yeah, that's my thought now. But at the time I overthought it, I guess. If I couldn't do the right thing (which would have been to speak up) then I didn't do anything. I was ferociously shy, which made it worse.
I guess it's good to get that message out - if you can't do everything you should in a situation, at least do whatever little bit you can.
Susan65 wrote: "This is a subject that drives me crazy. My daughter was bullied and picked on from 3rd grade until 8th grade. It stopped in high school thankfully. She was picked on for taking up for another litt..."Sorry for that Susan. No, the teachers were not blind. They saw exactly what was going on and chose not to interfere. SOme were just too tired to get involved; some probably were sadistic and enjoyed the show. Sorry, but I've seen that type of teacher before.
Oh i agree. I had a conference with one such teacher and when i voiced my concerns she rolled her eyes at me. I was shocked. What nerve!
Scylar wrote: "Jeeze, Kit, everytime I find out a little more about you, I just love you more. Dakota must love you so much for that. How's your little bro's speech impediment? getting better? therapy? You should make sure his friend knows how much you appreciate him as a person. Let him know. As far as the other bro, the wrestler, yeah, working on athletic skills can really boost ones popularity level. It can even help bigtime when, and if, such a guy comes out as gay. "I'm positive that my wrestler brother isn't gay. He's actually a bit homophobic. He doesn't like gay people at all. My other brother took therapy for a while, but it didn't help much. He still talks like a five-year-old. He handles everything really well though. I love him to death. He's my favorite brother (but don't tell my wrestler brother!)
Kit wrote: "Scylar wrote: "Jeeze, Kit, everytime I find out a little more about you, I just love you more. Dakota must love you so much for that. How's your little bro's speech impediment? getting better? ther..."but if he's so homophobic, hmmm? How can YOUR brother be homophobic, anyway? I mean with you the way you are? Crazy mixed up world.
Of course :) lolI think I have a picture of them on my profile if you wanna take a look. It's about 4 years old though
And he doesn't exactly know about me yet. I'm a little scared to tell my family at all
I understand Kits brother completely...the older of my two brothers is very homophobic even though rest of my family is very accepting. Since i am older by 7 years he defers to me in a lot of ways and one of them being that he not spout his hate around me or my kids.
I actually beat up someone for my friend Rick. He was and is tall but skinny--very skinny. He abhorred violence and in our small town being gay was like being a leper--only worse. Anyway Kaje, we were painting homecoming banners--it was our junior year in high school. 3 of the football players came by--dear god I remember his name to this day--Randy...Randy Ghastley--the coach's son--a big really mean SOB. They began to make fun of Rick--calling him a queer boy, a homo, then Randy knocked over the paint can onto the banner--the banner we had been working on for several days after school. He said something about the football team not wanting some queer ass banner. I lost it--I mean lost it. I jumped up--yep all 5'5" of me, turned and tackled him around the middle. Knocked him down--everyone was yelling, paint was everywhere. Me and Rick--we got detention. The football boys--they got to play the game--our banner--never went on the homecoming float. I ended up apologizing to my friend Rick--he, as usual, said I had done nothing wrong..he was always forgiving my sorry attempts to help. I would like to tell you it was the first and last time I lost my temper on behalf of my friends--it was not. To this day I feel compelled to help people who are picked on--people who are marginalized by society..are made to feel less. If we don't help, if we don't encourage, who will?? So yes, I seek out staff at school who sit alone in the lunch room and sit with them...I invite new staff to my home for dinner...I leave notes for staff members who seem to be having difficult days or are seeming sad or disconnected. Some people tell me that I have a savior complex--that I interfere...sadly that could be true but I do what I can and I hope that it helps.
Sammy2006 wrote: "I actually beat up someone for my friend Rick. He was and is tall but skinny--very skinny. He abhorred violence and in our small town being gay was like being a leper--only worse. Anyway Kaje, w..."Go, Sammy. We love that about you.
Sammy2006 wrote: "I actually beat up someone for my friend Rick. He was and is tall but skinny--very skinny. He abhorred violence and in our small town being gay was like being a leper--only worse. Anyway Kaje, w..."Sammy, we know it helps. We all need as many saviors as we can get. And I thank you for that tackle.
Susan65 wrote: "I understand Kits brother completely...the older of my two brothers is very homophobic even though rest of my family is very accepting. Since i am older by 7 years he defers to me in a lot of ways ..."Well at least you keep the hate away from your family, Sue. Even if you can't change his views.
Kit wrote: "Of course :) lolI think I have a picture of them on my profile if you wanna take a look. It's about 4 years old though
And he doesn't exactly know about me yet. I'm a little scared to tell my fam..."
I saw your family, Kit. Beautiful family. Hey, don't be in a rush to tell them.
Wait until you are truly ready. My advice, for what it's worth, wait till you start college. Then you'll have more options.
Thank you :) I'm definitely going to wait till college. Less than a year left! (And I already have senior-itis :P) Thanks for the advice
Kit wrote: "Thank you :) I'm definitely going to wait till college. Less than a year left! (And I already have senior-itis :P) Thanks for the advice"
Now more advice- don't you have some school work to finish for tomorrow? Just kidding. I know you can handle both. Good night.
hey guys been heavy myself some people tried to bully me (i feel sorry for them) most of the time i'm shy and funny but when it comes to bullies i can be really bad so no one bullied me walked out just like that .My school days were the best i had so much fun i was friend with almost every one even the teachers i blurt lots answers to help , Once i put a plan with my friends and made a bad teacher to be kicked out he was an ass making moves on girls so i told him to back off and he send me to the principal and that was it he was out in two days and I was proud of myself .
Being smart has its benefits so i helped alot i hope so , and disbenefits with my unique name i was quite popular in good/non_good ways sometimes i bully a bully for someone , always been asked in class and i had lots of days in the principal office for being smartass . I put myself in lots of problems til now but i don't regret any of it . I'm 19 with one degree and working on the second . * No Regrets *
I am pretty sure that's my uncle is gay but i can't help him with anything we live in a very homophobic society , i was the frist to notice but they all knew after that and since then they trying to make him get married it's been about two years now .Its breaks my heart to see him like this :'(
Ab2y wrote: "I am pretty sure that's my uncle is gay but i can't help him with anything we live in a very homophobic society , i was the frist to notice but they all knew after that and since then they trying t..."I think sometime just letting the person know that YOU care is a huge help--maybe that alone might releive some of his unhappiness.
Ab2y wrote: "I am pretty sure that's my uncle is gay but i can't help him with anything we live in a very homophobic society , i was the frist to notice but they all knew after that and since then they trying t..."I'm glad he has at least one supportive family member. I had two uncles who were gay back in the 1940's; one died, and one married a woman and they've been unhappily married for 50 years. (My aunt told my mother how painful it has been, but their culture also made it seem like the right answer.) It really is wrong for both people involved, but it's hard to go against family and culture. I agree with Sammy, if you can without freaking him out (depending how in the closet he thinks he is) letting him know you're on his side is the best thing you can do.
Ab2y wrote: "i'll do my best ."Just be safe yourself--that is most important!
Yeah, you don't need to do a lot, just be there and be supportive, and do take care of yourself too.
@Ab2y: If he lives in Sudan too, there's not much you can really do for him except show him that there's atleast one person on his side and supports him seeing as their laws on homosexuality are extreme. I really do hate how Islamic countries' views are too extreme :(
we are most of the time live in UAE and he works there
i will guys you are the best
i really think it was so noble for you to care about her... this can be a very good story =P i think i wanna write it.
A.J. wrote: "I know this was posted a while ago...but I'd like to answer anyway.I am currently a Sophomore in high school. I was "bullied" for a while, moreso in middle school than now, but I am avidly agains..."
Thanks A.J. I think its important for us to hear that perspective--really good!! Thanks for sharing it!
When I was in high-school there was a girl who was bullied some (not badly because my school was pretty mellow - I chose it and rode two city buses each way for just that reason, being a weird nerd kid myself.) But she did get teased because she was heavy and not too bright. (Not GLBT I don't think, but that hardly matters.) Even one of the teachers gave her a hard time, calling on her when he knew she would have no clue to the answer. She had an odd name too, that he liked to roll in his mouth as he called her out.
And I didn't do much. I would blurt out the answer in Chem class sometimes, like I couldn't help myself, to get him off her case. But that was it. I was excruciatingly shy and, I guess, cowardly.
Anyway, I've wondered a long time...what if I had at least said something to her? Or slipped a note in her locker that said, "I see what's going on and I'm not strong enough to speak up but I feel bad for you and it's not your fault or fair."
Would that have helped any? Would she have felt less alone? Or would she have just been mad that someone knew and did nothing?
Can those of you who were on the receiving end in school tell me? If I wasn't going to do the right thing and speak out, what else could I have done?